All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris has a heart of gold. He keeps it in a small box next to his bed.

The truth is out there and it is not coming in any time soon because it is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented chess but the original game had no king.

The volleyball in Cast Away would not even talk to Tom Hanks. For Chuck Norris however it cooked, did laundry and cleaned the island.

It is believed dinosaurs were wiped out by a giant meteor. That is correct if you call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

When Walker Texas Ranger aired in France the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Once a man asked Chuck Norris if his real name was Charles. Chuck Norris said nothing and simply stared at the man until he exploded.

High tides are not caused by the Moon. They happen because the sea retreats when Chuck Norris approaches the coast.

If regret could kill it would not be called regret. It would be called Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not hold his breath. He takes the air hostage.

Chuck Norris cuts his pizza into slices. Always a prime number -- 13, 17, or whatever he decides.

Chuck Norris performed the greatest guitar solo of all time. On a drum kit.

Ninjas grow up wanting to be like Chuck Norris but invariably they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris's car reaches the speed of light it is time to shift into second gear.

It is believed dinosaurs were destroyed by a giant meteor. That is if you call Chuck Norris's fist a giant meteor.

Chuck Norris has never had enemies. Nobody ever had time to become an enemy of Chuck Norris.

TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris as a cure for indigestion.

Chuck Norris can jump off a 20-story building without getting hurt. The ground does not dare hit back.

Once love looked Chuck Norris in the eyes. That is why love has been blind ever since.

Every cat will have nine lives until it crosses Chuck Norris's path once.

Chuck Norris can smell danger, so danger constantly changes its perfume trying to escape him.

If you were Chuck Norris you would not be reading this. You would be killing whoever wrote it.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because the only element he knows is the element of surprise.

When they said not even God could sink the Titanic, Chuck Norris said: Is that a challenge?

Chuck Norris makes elephants forget.

Chickens used to have teeth until one bit Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented the slingshot for nighttime entertainment. Ever since, the number of craters on the Moon keeps growing.

Not all elements of the periodic table have been discovered yet. Chuck Norris refuses to give a blood sample.

Before the wheel was invented Chuck Norris already had a driver's license.

Chuck Norris disagrees with the Apocalypse prophecy. That is not how he plans to end the world.

Some say time is money. Chuck Norris says time is deaths.

Nuclear fusion will remain a dream until Chuck Norris looks at two atoms and says BOOM.

If you make a Chuck Norris voodoo doll you will receive a roundhouse kick before you can stick in the first pin.

Chuck Norris's keyboard does have a backspace key. He just never uses it because he never makes mistakes.

If Chuck Norris spins a top, the Earth rotates in reverse.

End of the world theories emerge every time Chuck Norris prepares to throw a new roundhouse kick.

Ginsu knives are sharpened on Chuck Norris's beard hair.

Killing Chuck Norris does not make him die. It just makes him angrier.

King Kong climbed the Empire State Building because he was afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently finishing his third count to infinity.

With Chuck Norris, the show 24 would only be 24 seconds long.

Chuck Norris does not defy gravity. Gravity is just the scientific term for the attraction caused by Chuck Norris.

Any virus that enters Chuck Norris's body is expelled with a roundhouse kick. All his antibodies have black belts.

Albert Einstein said nothing is faster than light. Chuck Norris said: I am.

Albert Einstein: E equals mc squared. Chuck Norris: roundhouse kick equals death.

Chuck Norris removed the Escape key from his keyboard. Chuck Norris never needs to escape.

Chuck Norris turns off the light whenever he wants. And also whoever complains.

Chuck Norris may not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris trains by kicking stars with roundhouse kicks. As long as he doesn't get bored we will keep seeing shooting stars.

Chuck Norris changes tires while the car is moving.

Achilles's heel was the result of a failed roundhouse kick attempt on Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once entered a soccer game in the 89th minute with the score tied 0-0. That match is recorded as the biggest blowout in history.

Superman's only weakness is kryptonite. Chuck Norris laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm smoothies to keep his heart warm.

Smoking will not kill you. Chuck Norris, however...

Sting once took a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. The impact sent him flying to the middle of the Pacific Ocean, resulting in the song Message in a Bottle.

The only person who can kill Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. He eagerly awaits the duel.

No gun ever backfired until someone pointed one at Chuck Norris.

After watching The Ring, Chuck Norris's phone rang: 'Seven days.' -- 'This is Chuck Norris.' -- 'Sorry, wrong number.'

If you don't succeed on the first try, don't be discouraged. You are definitely not Chuck Norris.

The world rotates under the power of Chuck Norris's feet.

Chuck Norris can do Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V on a typewriter.

Chuck Norris has never accessed the internet because all its content is connected directly to his memory. He refreshes pages by blinking.

Chuck Norris drives nails into wood with his shout.

According to the latest UN census Chuck Norris is the dominant religion in over 273 peoples across 98 countries.

Chuck Norris wears sunglasses to avoid blinding the sun with the brightness of his own eyes.

Chuck Norris does not know fear. Fear knows Chuck Norris.

Definition of balance: the universe contains more than 100 billion galaxies and only 1 Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.

Chuck Norris shaves daily with a chainsaw but when he looks in the mirror his beard immediately grows back.

In Chuck Norris's house a roundhouse kick to the face is the equivalent of a handshake.

A bad day in Chuck Norris's life is known as the Apocalypse.

Every year Chuck Norris receives first prize in multiple fields. The runners-up receive the Nobel Prize.

The only license Chuck Norris holds is a license to kill.

Chuck Norris accelerates hadron particles using roundhouse kicks.

The words Made by Chuck Norris are printed on the underside of China.

In a failed assassination attempt Chuck Norris had six simultaneous heart attacks and did not die. His seventh heart kept beating while the other six recovered.

When astronauts first landed on the Moon they found Chuck Norris there looking displeased. They radioed back: Houston we have a problem.

Chuck Norris does not age. Each birthday he simply adds one more year to his existence.

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough for a single roundhouse kick to hit all of them.

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true when thinking about a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Once Death had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Children write their names in the sand. Chuck Norris carves his into concrete. Dry concrete.

The dark side of the force is just Chuck Norris's shadow.

Chuck Norris was invited to play Dumbledore. He declined because he did not think it appropriate to use real magic in a fiction film.

When clean-shaven Chuck Norris radiates light equivalent to three suns.

Truman dropped atomic bombs on Japan instead of sending Chuck Norris. The reason? It would be more humane.

During art class as a child Chuck Norris created Mount Rushmore out of clay.

If you empty a revolver into Chuck Norris you will only succeed in making him nervous.

There is an order in the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris. Actually that was a joke. Chuck Norris comes first.

Life is not like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris delivering a roundhouse kick to your face with some frequency.

Chuck Norris had to register every part of his body as a lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

While running from Chuck Norris light developed its maximum speed.

Chuck Norris has never been charged with homicide because his roundhouse kick is legally recognized as an act of God.

Facebook was created to count how many people still have not received a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris created all the world's accents by roundhouse kicking different people in different parts of their necks.

One day Chuck Norris, God and the Devil met to decide who was the greatest. Since then God has lived in heaven, the Devil in hell, and Chuck Norris still reigns on Earth.

Chuck Norris once stared at his shower so intensely that it wet itself in fear. That is how the electric shower was invented.

Chuck Norris invented his own style of karate. It is called Chuck-Will-Kill-You.

Chuck Norris's house has no doors. Only walls that he walks through.