All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris turned down the role because if he used the Force, Darth Vader would speak in a high voice for the rest of his life.

The original title for Star Wars was 'Skywalker: Texas Ranger', starring Chuck Norris.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off Siberian tigers.

God needed 10 days to build the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.

Chuck Norris won the World Poker Championship with a two of clubs and a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Scientists estimated that the explosion of an entire galaxy releases energy equal to 1 CNRhK — one Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.

Hiroshima and Nagasaki never saw an atomic bomb. Chuck Norris ate bad sushi and burped in that direction.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris once swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to see who had more guts. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Chuck Norris only sleeps with the lights on. Not because he is afraid of the dark. The dark is afraid of him.

Some people wear Superman costumes. Nobody dares wear a Chuck Norris costume.

Chuck Norris has no oven or microwave because, as everyone knows, revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun. And wins.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King. He got one.

Chuck Norris was one of the original characters in Street Fighter II. He was removed because every button made him do a roundhouse kick.

When Chuck Norris receives his tax forms, he sends them back blank with a photo of himself crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never paid taxes.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil. Shortly after, he roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he will always say 'Two seconds until...' After you ask 'Until what?', he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cannot see Chuck Norris, you may be close to death.

Chuck Norris is suing NBC. He claims 'Law and Order' are the patented names for his left and right legs.

Whenever Chuck Norris laughs someone dies. Unless he is laughing while delivering a roundhouse kick. In that case two people die.

Chuck Norris has no recessive genes. Every single one is dominant.

Snow White had 13 dwarfs. 6 of them crossed paths with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not use emergency exits. He creates the emergencies.

How many Chuck Norrises does it take to change a light bulb? None. Chuck Norris kills in the dark too.

Chuck Norris does not start fights. He starts extinctions.

Lie detectors lie to agree with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Chuck Norris does not swim against the current. The current swims against Chuck Norris. And loses.

When Jesus said let he who has never sinned throw the first stone Chuck Norris was the only one who could. He chose to be merciful.

Chuck Norris uses gunpowder as a seasoning.

A queen bee once stung Chuck Norris. She was immediately demoted to worker bee.

Rocky Balboa retired from boxing after Chuck Norris asked him: Is that what you call a punch?

Chuck Norris's Tamagotchi never dies.

Chuck Norris is against guns. Killing is not for everyone.

Night falls after Chuck Norris delivers a good-night roundhouse kick to the sky.

Chuck Norris once kicked Canada and Greenland was formed.

Nostradamus predicted the world would end in the year 2000. Chuck Norris disagreed and roundhouse kicked Nostradamus in the face.

The Church was right: it was the sun that revolved around the Earth. Chuck Norris is the center of the universe.

Chuck Norris has never won an Oscar for his acting. He is never acting.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a telemarketer. Through the phone.

With faith a man can move mountains. With faith Chuck Norris makes them run.

Freddy Krueger goes into people's dreams to hide from Chuck Norris.

To err is human. To never err is Chuck Norris.

The Loch Ness Monster is a strand of Chuck Norris's beard that gained consciousness and swam away.

The last time Chuck Norris got angry, the Earth's crust split into 5 pieces.

If you woke up this morning it means Chuck Norris spared your life.

In a typical living room there are 1273 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you. Including the room itself.

Chuck Norris sees stop signs as a challenge.

The Lord of the Rings screenplay with Chuck Norris was only two pages long because he finished Sauron at the end of chapter one.

Newton's Third Law is being revised because there is no reaction equal to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator but did not want his film to become a documentary.

A single restrained roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris can power New York, Sao Paulo and Tokyo for 28 hours.

42 is not the answer to the questions of the Universe. 42 is how many seconds you would survive running from Chuck Norris from the other side of the Universe.

Behind every great man there is a great woman. Behind every dead man there is Chuck Norris.

Bin Laden once proposed a truce after discovering Chuck Norris thought his beard was an imitation of his own.

The World Bank was once called Chuck Norris's left pocket.

Chuck Norris's reflection is not foolish enough to look him in the eyes.

The Earth rotates powered by Chuck Norris's breathing.

Chuck Norris once ran a 100m sprint. It happened so fast that when he stopped the ground buckled upward. Mount Everest was formed.

At age 2 Chuck Norris almost drowned in the sea. His fury was so great that the sea became known as the Dead Sea ever since.

Chuck Norris's first job was as a paperboy. There are no survivors.

There are only two things that can cut a diamond: other diamonds and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got his driver's license at 16. Seconds old.

Archaeologists unearthed an English dictionary from 1230. It defines the word victim as one who encounters Chuck Norris.

In the beginning there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing in the face and said find something to do. That is the story of creation.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris in the backside. Then he woke up from his dream with a roundhouse kick in the face.

When Chuck Norris speaks everyone listens. And dies.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris hurts.

Chuck Norris is not politically correct. He is just correct. Always.

Chuck Norris is a legend in his own time. Time agreed to the arrangement.

When it is Chuck Norris's birthday the candles blow themselves out in his honor.

Chuck Norris's kite never tangles its string. The wind obeys the geometry.

Chuck Norris has never lost a sock in the laundry. Socks are too scared to disappear on him.

Chuck Norris once threw a spear so far it hit a dinosaur in the past.

Chuck Norris once arm-wrestled a table. The table lost but was honored.

Chuck Norris once sneezed and woke up every bear in hibernation globally.

A fire alarm once went off when Chuck Norris entered the building. Then it apologized and shut off.

Chuck Norris's fingernails trim themselves to the perfect length automatically.

Chuck Norris wrote an encyclopedia entirely from memory. It had no errors.

Chuck Norris's elevator skips floors he doesn't need.

Chuck Norris once outran his own shadow.

Chuck Norris has never made a typo. The keyboard rearranges itself.

Cereal stays crunchy in Chuck Norris's bowl. The milk is afraid to make it soggy.

Chuck Norris's wallet doesn't have credit cards. Credit cards have Chuck Norris wallets.

Chuck Norris is his own search engine. He returns one result.

Chuck Norris can whittle wood with his words.

Chuck Norris once lassoed the wind and reined it in.

Mathematicians invented infinity to describe the number of Chuck Norris's push-ups.

Chuck Norris once won a debate without saying a word.

Chuck Norris once submitted a resume. The interviewer asked him to tone it down.

Chuck Norris invented the concept of the nap. He has never taken one.

Chuck Norris's stapler has never jammed. The staples stand in line voluntarily.

Chuck Norris has never been cold. The world freezes to match his intensity.

Maps say You Are Here. Chuck Norris's maps say Everywhere Is Here.

Chuck Norris once started a winning streak. It is still running.