All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris can watch a 60-minute show in 22 seconds.

Chuck Norris is not just a proper noun. He is a verb.

The internet belongs to Chuck Norris. He did not buy it or invent it. It was the result of a peace treaty.

Before email was invented Chuck Norris attached messages to kittens and launched them with a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris defines love as reluctance to die. If you are still alive it is because Chuck Norris loves you.

Logging into your computer as Chuck Norris is the most powerful antivirus that exists.

In any fight between Batman and Darth Vader the winner is always Chuck Norris.

The agents in The Matrix can dodge bullets but they cannot dodge a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Comets are just rocks that Chuck Norris kicked while taking a walk through space.

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Death refuses to ever come that close to him again.

Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Chuck Norris has 9233.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in the fourth person.

Chuck Norris once started composing an email and realized it would be faster to run there in person.

After a nuclear war only two things would survive: cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

Mathematicians calculated infinity plus one. The answer is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not turn on the shower. He stares at it intensely until it starts crying.

The reason babies cry when they are born is because they know they have entered a world where Chuck Norris exists.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. He leaves warnings.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille out loud.

The new method of execution in Texas is waking Chuck Norris from a nap.

Chuck Norris is not the man. He killed the man and everyone who was standing near him.

Chuck Norris does not need reflexes. He just stops time.

Chuck Norris once closed his bank account. The result was the Great Depression of 1929.

People try to scare dogs by shouting. Chuck Norris kills elephants with a gentle whisper.

Chuck Norris wins the Dakar Rally on roller skates.

Chuck Norris can make parallel lines cross and say hello to each other.

Chuck Norris can beat anyone at chess using only his knight.

The Leaning Tower of Pisa bowed to Chuck Norris once and has never dared straighten up since.

Chuck Norris does not feel pain. Once pain felt Chuck Norris and it never tried to bother him again.

There used to be 7 wonders of the ancient world. Then Chuck Norris was born and became the only one that matters.

There was once life on Mars. Ask Chuck Norris.

Dragons existed until one of them accidentally singed Chuck Norris's beard.

Chuck Norris sometimes levitates. It is just the Earth pulling away from him for a moment out of fear.

The devil created hell as soon as he realized he could not share the surface of the Earth with Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris sneezes he does not say Achoo. He says DIE ALL OF YOU. And it really happens.

Some people say Chuck Norris is a myth. Those people are now dead.

The helicopter was invented after engineers observed Chuck Norris performing eight roundhouse kicks per second.

In China, the hairs of Chuck Norris's beard are believed to be powerful aphrodisiacs.

Chuck Norris can hold his breath for nine years.

When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up he tells the sun to rise.

Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get what he calls the best espresso on Earth.

To prevent tsunamis, Chuck Norris no longer does triple backflips into the ocean.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.

On Valentine's Day Chuck Norris gives his partner the still-beating heart of one of his enemies. Because he believes every day is Valentine's Day.

Chuck Norris can split an atom. With his hands tied behind his back.

Moses prayed. Chuck Norris opened the Red Sea with a single roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris once faced the devil. The devil fell flat on his back.

There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is so powerful that viruses get sick around him. He is personally responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

There is no Control key on Chuck Norris's keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris travels at the speed of Norris. The speed of light would not dare overtake him.

Chuck Norris once played rugby against himself. Nobody won.

The Round Table was destroyed by one of Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks.

Lightning never strikes the same place twice because it is afraid of running into Chuck Norris there.

Whenever a foreign leader asks the US president what the new secret weapon is, he simply answers: Chuck Norris. And that ends the conversation.

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for sad scenes that require tears.

Chaos Theory is based on Norris Theory. It is not butterfly wings that cause storms on the other side of the world. It is Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks during training.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

When Chuck Norris was born the only one who cried was the doctor. He did not dare slap Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.

People invented the automobile to escape Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car crash.

Chuck Norris can win at blackjack with just one card.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco sauce as eye drops.

Chuck Norris decided that the 100th fact about him would come after the 98th. Fact 99 was eliminated.

The mystery on the island in Lost? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once urinated on a lighter. That is how the flamethrower was invented.

Everything King Midas touched turned to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns to fertilizer. Including Midas.

In Jurassic Park, the T-Rex was not chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the T-Rex. And the jeep.

After the tsunamis, Chuck Norris promised he would stop washing his flip flops in the ocean.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks the chicken.

Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack. His heart is not dumb enough to attack Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not follow trends. Trends follow Chuck Norris. Then they end. Nobody follows Chuck Norris without consequences.

When Arnold Schwarzenegger said 'I'll be back', it was to go get Chuck Norris.

Godzilla is the Japanese version of Chuck Norris's first visit to Japan.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris joined Fight Club. Fight Club lost.

The original title of Alien vs Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. It was cancelled because nobody would pay to watch a 14-second film.

When Bruce Banner gets angry he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented the internet. Just to store his personal collection.

The original title of the Bible was 'Chuck Norris and Friends'.

Chuck Norris recently got the idea to sell his urine in cans. It is called Red Bull.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72. All of them are poisonous.

When Chuck Norris claps his hands he can turn coal into diamonds.

A bear once crossed Chuck Norris's path. The trauma was so great that it fled to the Arctic and its fur turned white. That is how polar bears were created.

If The Terminator starred Chuck Norris it would be a documentary.

It only takes Chuck Norris twenty minutes to watch a one-hour show. Time moves faster for him.

If you Google 'Chuck Norris getting beaten up', you will find zero results. Because it has never happened.

Chuck Norris does not have a coffee maker. He grinds coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his fury.

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of them is called Earth.

When answering test questions, always write 'Chuck Norris'. You will always get a perfect score.

Chuck Norris invented the C-section when he roundhouse kicked his way out of his mother's womb.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are based on a true story involving Chuck Norris in the bathroom.

Chuck Norris does not shave. He roundhouse kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not buy butter. He roundhouse kicks cows and they turn into butter.

A picture is worth a thousand words. Chuck Norris is worth a million pictures.

Before forgetting to give Chuck Norris a Christmas present, Santa Claus existed.

If Chuck Norris is running late, time had better slow down.

If you ever make a mistake, obviously you are not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks up to a house and the owners move out.