🥋 General Facts
170 facts
Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now called The Islands.
When Chuck Norris cuts onions, the onions cry.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret.
Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. Nobody fools Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris enters a room he does not turn the lights on. He turns the dark off.
When Chuck Norris enters a swimming pool the water gets out.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Santa Claus checks his list twice because of what happened the last time he forgot Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the crap out of it.
When Chuck Norris was a baby he didn't have a rattle. He had a live grenade.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters. It knows better than to reflect perfection imperfectly.
Chuck Norris's beard trims itself out of respect.
Chuck Norris's nightmares are afraid of the dark.
When Chuck Norris tells a joke the punchline punches back.
Chuck Norris can parallel park a train.
Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.
Chuck Norris once finished a jigsaw puzzle in one move. He looked at the box.
Chuck Norris doesn't sweat. His pores just exhale in defeat.
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a baseball bat.
Chuck Norris once fell asleep in a library. The books organized themselves alphabetically.
When Chuck Norris walks by a clock it resets to the correct time.
Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. The other person just picked up the wrong phone.
Chuck Norris can speak Klingon. He taught it to the Klingons.
Chuck Norris once played poker with a full deck. Then he added a few cards of his own.
Chuck Norris doesn't need sunscreen. The sun applies it for him.
The Tooth Fairy used to leave coins. After Chuck Norris visited her she left IOUs.
Chuck Norris's coffee machine starts when he walks into the kitchen.
Chuck Norris's voicemail does not exist. Messages are too afraid to be left.
When Chuck Norris plays chess all the pieces move forward.
Chuck Norris once shook hands with a vending machine. It gave him everything inside.
Chuck Norris's shadow has its own shadow. That shadow also does push-ups.
When Chuck Norris goes to a restaurant the menu asks him what it would like to be.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a map. The roads reroute themselves for him.
Chuck Norris can make a sandwich with just bread. The filling appears out of respect.
Chuck Norris once went on vacation. The weather apologized.
When Chuck Norris sits in a chair the chair holds its breath.
Chuck Norris doesn't use an umbrella. Rain avoids him out of self-preservation.
Chuck Norris can turn back time just by walking backwards.
Chuck Norris doesn't get jet lag. Jet lag gets Chuck Norris lag.
Chuck Norris once stared at a stop sign. It started walking.
Chuck Norris can make it rain. He just cracks his knuckles at the sky.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a lighter. He snaps his fingers.
Chuck Norris once shot someone with a water gun. They are still in the hospital.
Chuck Norris can slam a door that isn't there.
Chuck Norris once won a wet t-shirt contest. He was the only one wearing a life vest.
When Chuck Norris does laundry the clothes wash themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris can win a game of solitaire with a deck of 51 cards.
When Chuck Norris goes bowling the pins jump back up out of respect.
Chuck Norris has never had a nightmare. Nightmares have Chuck Norris dreams.
Chuck Norris can watch a 3-hour movie in 20 minutes. The movie speeds up out of respect.
When Chuck Norris enters a voting booth all candidates vote for him.
Chuck Norris doesn't need an alarm clock. The sun sets an alarm for him.
Chuck Norris's handshake is classified as a weapon of mass persuasion.
Chuck Norris can sneeze faster than the speed of sound. The sound apologizes for being slow.
The speed of darkness is measured by how fast it runs from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror. He got seven years of good luck.
Chuck Norris never has an incomplete checklist. The tasks finish themselves.
Spiders in Chuck Norris's house weave in a roundhouse kick pattern.
Chuck Norris doesn't check his blind spot. There are no blind spots when Chuck Norris drives.
Chuck Norris has never experienced brain freeze. His brain would never submit.
Balloons don't pop around Chuck Norris. They wouldn't dare.
Chuck Norris burns enough calories in one workout to power a small city.
Chuck Norris's zip code is just his name. Mail always finds him.
Duct tape asks Chuck Norris for repair advice.
Chuck Norris wrote the first dictionary. With his fist.
Cheese never grows mold in Chuck Norris's fridge. Mold is afraid to start.
Chuck Norris invented a fourth option in Rock Paper Scissors called Dynamite. He never uses it. He doesn't need to.
Chuck Norris doesn't use escalators. He invented them for other people to keep up with him.
Chuck Norris eats cereal without milk. Milk makes the cereal soft and he is opposed to that.
Chuck Norris's heartbeat is the official standard for the musical tempo of 120 BPM.
Chuck Norris once walked into a bar. The bar immediately straightened up and behaved.
Time once stopped for Chuck Norris. He told it to get back to work.
The sound of silence was recorded in Chuck Norris's presence.
The plus sign in mathematics was invented by Chuck Norris. It originally saluted.
Chuck Norris has never received a participation trophy. He only receives first place.
Chuck Norris doesn't pay taxes. The government thanks him for not charging them for the security he provides.
Paper never rips when Chuck Norris handles it. Paper wants to make a good impression.
Chuck Norris only sneezes once. The second sneeze is afraid to follow.
When Chuck Norris hiccups it sounds like thunder.
Chuck Norris has won every staring contest he has ever entered. He hasn't entered any. People forfeit before it starts.
Chuck Norris invented the seatbelt. For his car. Not for him.
Chuck Norris's default in Rock Paper Scissors is Fist. It beats everything.
Static electricity asks Chuck Norris for permission before shocking him.
Chuck Norris doesn't have allergies. Allergens are allergic to him.
Chuck Norris's shadow has a black belt in karate.
Gum never loses its flavor in Chuck Norris's mouth. It gains more.
Chuck Norris can see around corners. Corners are transparent to him.
Quicksand sinks into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does crossword puzzles in pen. He never makes a mistake.
Chuck Norris doesn't sleep to rest. He sleeps to give the world a chance to catch up.
Weather forecasters always get it right when Chuck Norris is in town. The weather wouldn't dare deviate.
Chuck Norris has never waited in line. The line waits for him to leave.
When Chuck Norris sits in a rocking chair it moves forward.
Chuck Norris's winning streak started at birth. He won being born.
Stickers never peel off what Chuck Norris sticks them to.
Chuck Norris has no shadow indoors. The light is too afraid to cast one.
Chuck Norris has never hit snooze. His alarm wakes up and then goes back to sleep.
Every dictionary has Chuck Norris's face next to the word legendary.
When Chuck Norris rides an elevator it goes sideways just for him.
Traffic lights go green when they see Chuck Norris approaching.
Gravity doesn't hold Chuck Norris down. It holds him as a courtesy.
Chuck Norris has never been lost. The world has occasionally been in the wrong place.
Fortune cookies give Chuck Norris demands not fortunes.
Chuck Norris eats soup with a fork. The soup doesn't dare escape.
Chuck Norris won the lottery before he bought the ticket.
Chuck Norris broke a world record that didn't exist yet.
Chuck Norris doesn't work the graveyard shift. The graveyard works the Chuck Norris shift.
Ice cream has no flavor until Chuck Norris eats it. His approval gives it taste.
Paper cuts apologize to Chuck Norris.
Speed limit signs increase when Chuck Norris drives past.
Chuck Norris once entered a corn maze. He built an exit in under a minute.
Chuck Norris doesn't do his taxes. His taxes do themselves out of civic duty.
Chuck Norris invented escalators so regular people could use stairs while he waited.
Compasses always point to Chuck Norris regardless of where north is.
When Chuck Norris opens an umbrella it rains in the opposite direction.
Locks unlock themselves when Chuck Norris approaches.
Elevator music changes to an epic action theme when Chuck Norris enters.
Chuck Norris has never stubbed his toe. Furniture moves out of the way.
When Chuck Norris flips a coin it lands on its side. Every time.
Math errors correct themselves before Chuck Norris sees them.
Glitter does not stick to Chuck Norris. It does not dare.
Chuck Norris can whistle without pursing his lips. Notes just volunteer.
Chuck Norris's sneakers never get dirty. Mud steps aside.
The alphabet has an extra letter only Chuck Norris can pronounce.
A pencil has never broken in Chuck Norris's hand. The pencil would rather not.
Chuck Norris never misses at darts. He invented a new game called Always Bull.
Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-toe in one move.
Chuck Norris knits. With barbed wire. The barbed wire is afraid to poke him.
When Chuck Norris uses sandpaper it becomes smooth.
When Chuck Norris orders a burrito it eats itself before he has to.
Opposite poles of magnets attract. Both poles attract Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can blow out an electric candle.
Ice never melts in Chuck Norris's drink. It is afraid to disappoint him.
Chuck Norris's name is copyrighted. Even thinking it requires a license.
Chuck Norris's steak cooks itself when he looks at it.
The grass is always greener on Chuck Norris's side. The grass works hard for his approval.
Splinters never enter Chuck Norris's skin. Wood respects him too much.
Chuck Norris's shoelaces never get tangled. Knots untie themselves preemptively.
Chuck Norris always punches the clock early. The clock begs him to stop.
Thunder is the sound of Chuck Norris applauding something.
Chuck Norris causes a magnitude 3 earthquake every time he jumps rope.
Chuck Norris could run any country. He has declined every offer out of humility.
Chuck Norris's lullabies put adults to sleep in seconds.
Glue doesn't stick until Chuck Norris gives it permission.
Chuck Norris has a warning label. He wrote it himself.
Chuck Norris never uses lowercase letters when he speaks. Even whispers are in all caps.
Chuck Norris was stranded on an island once. The island apologized.
Chuck Norris once threw a boomerang. It never came back. It was too afraid.
Chuck Norris once started a winning streak. It is still running.
Maps say You Are Here. Chuck Norris's maps say Everywhere Is Here.
Chuck Norris has never been cold. The world freezes to match his intensity.
Chuck Norris's stapler has never jammed. The staples stand in line voluntarily.
Chuck Norris invented the concept of the nap. He has never taken one.
Chuck Norris once submitted a resume. The interviewer asked him to tone it down.
Chuck Norris once won a debate without saying a word.
Chuck Norris's wallet doesn't have credit cards. Credit cards have Chuck Norris wallets.
Cereal stays crunchy in Chuck Norris's bowl. The milk is afraid to make it soggy.
Chuck Norris's elevator skips floors he doesn't need.
Chuck Norris's fingernails trim themselves to the perfect length automatically.
A fire alarm once went off when Chuck Norris entered the building. Then it apologized and shut off.
Chuck Norris once sneezed and woke up every bear in hibernation globally.
Chuck Norris has never lost a sock in the laundry. Socks are too scared to disappear on him.
Chuck Norris's kite never tangles its string. The wind obeys the geometry.
When it is Chuck Norris's birthday the candles blow themselves out in his honor.
Chuck Norris is a legend in his own time. Time agreed to the arrangement.