Top Facts

Chuck Norris can breathe in space. Space is the one that needs the helmet.

Chuck Norris can hear what you are thinking. He usually disagrees.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the sun. That's why we have day and night.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris once won a staring contest with Medusa.

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now called The Islands.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records, it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

When Chuck Norris cuts onions, the onions cry.

Mosquitoes don't bite Chuck Norris. Not because they can't — out of professional respect.

Chuck Norris gave Mr. T all that gold. It was payment for mowing his lawn.

Chuck Norris can charge his phone by simply staring at it menacingly.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

Google Maps asks Chuck Norris for directions.

On a sunny day, Chuck Norris's shadow does pushups.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's Secret.

Chuck Norris doesn't do push-ups. He pushes the Earth down.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. Nobody fools Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

When Chuck Norris enters a room he does not turn the lights on. He turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris's fist is listed as a deadly weapon in 192 countries.

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a lemon.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded.

Chuck Norris once arm-wrestled Superman. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a parachute to go skydiving. He needs one to keep the ground from shattering.

Chuck Norris once broke the sound barrier with his pinky finger.

Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the moon just to impress a girl at a bar.

Chuck Norris once won a staring contest with the sun. The sun blinked first.

Chuck Norris once ran a marathon backwards just to see what second place looked like.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

When Chuck Norris enters a swimming pool the water gets out.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris once punched a man so hard his shadow fell off.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until they give up the information.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Chuck Norris once solved a Rubik's Cube in one move. It rearranged itself out of respect.

Chuck Norris's diploma was printed on a black belt.

Chuck Norris once gave a motivational speech. The audience immediately ran a marathon.

When Chuck Norris goes to the doctor the doctor gets the checkup.

Chuck Norris can answer a rhetorical question.

Chuck Norris doesn't Google things. Things Google themselves for him.

Chuck Norris knows what the fox says. The fox told him personally.

Chuck Norris has never made a mistake. Only decisions that turned out to be correct later.

Chuck Norris read the dictionary. He disagreed with it. The dictionary changed its definitions.

Chuck Norris learned to talk before he was born. He told the doctor to relax.

Chuck Norris already finished reading this fact before you started.

Chuck Norris once meditated for three days. When he opened his eyes he had invented three new martial arts.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.

Chuck Norris's computer has no virus protection. Viruses protect themselves from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once logged out of the internet. It crashed for three hours.

Chuck Norris has already beaten every video game. Without pressing start.

Chuck Norris once Googled himself. Google had a panic attack.

Chuck Norris doesn't use autocorrect. Words correct themselves for him.

Chuck Norris can access the dark web with a Nokia 3310.

Chuck Norris's WiFi password is a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can make a phone call from a dead phone.

Chuck Norris once sent an email before the internet was invented. It arrived on time.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a keyboard shortcut. He just tells the computer what to do.

Chuck Norris can take a screenshot on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Siri asks Chuck Norris for directions.

Chuck Norris once uploaded a 4K video on dial-up in 3 seconds.

Chuck Norris's computer boots up before he even touches it.

Chuck Norris once stared down a great white shark underwater. The shark apologized.

When Chuck Norris walks through a forest trees move out of the way.

Chuck Norris once milked a bull. The bull said thank you.

Sharks have a week dedicated to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once wrestled a crocodile. It is now a handbag.

Lions check the savanna for Chuck Norris before they go to sleep.

Chuck Norris once played fetch with a cat. The cat went willingly.

Snakes refuse to bite Chuck Norris. There is no antidote for what would come next.

Chuck Norris can tame a grizzly bear with a single nod.

Chuck Norris once petted a dog. The dog became a police K-9 out of pure motivation.

When bees see Chuck Norris coming they get out of their own hive.

Chuck Norris once trained a goldfish to do parkour.

Crocodiles wear Chuck Norris shoes.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet. The bear is not dead. It is just too afraid to move.

Chuck Norris once made a lion purr.

When Chuck Norris jumps he has to be careful not to leave Earth's atmosphere.

Chuck Norris can hear silence in space.

Pluto was demoted from planet status after Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it out of orbit.

Chuck Norris once punched a black hole. It turned into a white flag.

The Big Bang happened when Chuck Norris stubbed his toe.

NASA uses Chuck Norris as a unit of measurement for force.

Chuck Norris counted all the stars in the universe. He was not impressed.

Chuck Norris's beard has its own gravitational pull. Three moons orbit it.

Chuck Norris once caught a shooting star with his bare hands. He used it as a toothpick.

The sun sets every day because it is afraid to face Chuck Norris in the dark.

Chuck Norris once visited a black hole. The black hole asked him to leave.

The rings of Saturn are the remnants of Chuck Norris's last warm-up stretch.

Chuck Norris once sneezed in space. Scientists are still tracking the debris.

Black holes are what happen when Chuck Norris punches the fabric of space-time.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as Jack in Titanic. The iceberg moved.

Chuck Norris built the Great Wall of China. He needed somewhere to do his push-ups.

Chuck Norris won the Vietnam War. He just didn't tell anyone.

The dinosaurs went extinct because Chuck Norris was hungry.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked one corner off.

Chuck Norris taught Genghis Khan everything he knew. Khan only retained 10 percent.

Chuck Norris once punched Julius Caesar. The phrase became Et tu Norris in the history books.

Napoleon's hand was not in his coat. He was hiding it from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris discovered fire. Then he put it out with his bare hands just because he could.

Abraham Lincoln said four score and seven years ago. Chuck Norris corrected him. Lincoln agreed.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He was turned away for bringing a roundhouse kick as a gift.

Chuck Norris once challenged Hercules to an arm wrestle. Hercules is still recovering.

The Great Sphinx originally had a nose. Chuck Norris flicked it off.

Chuck Norris once raced a Roman chariot on foot. He won. The horse asked to be on his team next time.

Stonehenge was Chuck Norris's attempt at a game of horseshoes.

Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31 to April 2. No one fools Chuck Norris.

Santa Claus checks his list twice because of what happened the last time he forgot Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the crap out of it.

When Chuck Norris was a baby he didn't have a rattle. He had a live grenade.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters. It knows better than to reflect perfection imperfectly.

Chuck Norris's beard trims itself out of respect.

Chuck Norris's nightmares are afraid of the dark.

When Chuck Norris tells a joke the punchline punches back.

Chuck Norris can parallel park a train.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

Chuck Norris once finished a jigsaw puzzle in one move. He looked at the box.

Chuck Norris doesn't sweat. His pores just exhale in defeat.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a baseball bat.

Chuck Norris once fell asleep in a library. The books organized themselves alphabetically.

When Chuck Norris walks by a clock it resets to the correct time.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. The other person just picked up the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris can speak Klingon. He taught it to the Klingons.

Chuck Norris once played poker with a full deck. Then he added a few cards of his own.

Chuck Norris doesn't need sunscreen. The sun applies it for him.

The Tooth Fairy used to leave coins. After Chuck Norris visited her she left IOUs.

Chuck Norris's coffee machine starts when he walks into the kitchen.

Chuck Norris's voicemail does not exist. Messages are too afraid to be left.

When Chuck Norris plays chess all the pieces move forward.

Chuck Norris once shook hands with a vending machine. It gave him everything inside.

Chuck Norris's shadow has its own shadow. That shadow also does push-ups.

When Chuck Norris goes to a restaurant the menu asks him what it would like to be.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a map. The roads reroute themselves for him.

Chuck Norris can make a sandwich with just bread. The filling appears out of respect.

Chuck Norris once went on vacation. The weather apologized.

When Chuck Norris sits in a chair the chair holds its breath.

Chuck Norris doesn't use an umbrella. Rain avoids him out of self-preservation.

Chuck Norris can turn back time just by walking backwards.

Chuck Norris doesn't get jet lag. Jet lag gets Chuck Norris lag.

Chuck Norris once stared at a stop sign. It started walking.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoelaces with one hand. While asleep.

Chuck Norris once pushed a boulder uphill. The boulder thanked him.

Chuck Norris can high-five himself.

Chuck Norris can fold a piece of paper more than seven times.

Chuck Norris once opened a jar on the first try. The jar started crying.

Chuck Norris can deadlift the concept of gravity.

Chuck Norris once walked up a down escalator. It changed direction.

Chuck Norris's punch has been measured at the speed of light. He was taking it easy.

Chuck Norris can hit a home run in soccer.

Chuck Norris once caught a bullet with his teeth. He used it as a toothpick for the rest of the day.

Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

Chuck Norris can make it rain. He just cracks his knuckles at the sky.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a lighter. He snaps his fingers.

Chuck Norris once shot someone with a water gun. They are still in the hospital.

Chuck Norris can bowl a perfect score with a football.

Chuck Norris can slam a door that isn't there.

Chuck Norris once won a wet t-shirt contest. He was the only one wearing a life vest.

When Chuck Norris does laundry the clothes wash themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris can win a game of solitaire with a deck of 51 cards.

Chuck Norris's tears are the only known cure for sadness. Too bad he never cries.

When Chuck Norris goes bowling the pins jump back up out of respect.

Chuck Norris won the swimming portion of a triathlon without getting wet.

Chuck Norris has never had a nightmare. Nightmares have Chuck Norris dreams.

Chuck Norris can watch a 3-hour movie in 20 minutes. The movie speeds up out of respect.

Chuck Norris once ran across the ocean. Just to stretch his legs.

When Chuck Norris enters a voting booth all candidates vote for him.

Chuck Norris's biography was published before he was born. He had already written the ending.

The pyramids were built by Chuck Norris. On his lunch break.

Chuck Norris once wrestled Zeus. Lightning still hasn't recovered.

The Roman Empire fell when Chuck Norris told it to sit down.

Chuck Norris auditioned for Gladiator. Russell Crowe got the role because Chuck was too busy actually fighting.

Chuck Norris once attended a bullfight in Spain. The bull asked for a moment to pray.

The Great Fire of London was caused by Chuck Norris sneezing.

When Chuck Norris was born he delivered himself. The doctor assisted.

Chuck Norris once played William Tell. He used a cannonball.

Chuck Norris was present at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. He was the co-signer nobody talks about.

Chuck Norris once shook hands with George Washington. Washington's arm was stronger after.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a GPS. Directions are too afraid to mislead him.

Chuck Norris passed second grade on the first try.

Chuck Norris can hear a pin drop from a different country.

Chuck Norris doesn't need an alarm clock. The sun sets an alarm for him.

Chuck Norris's handshake is classified as a weapon of mass persuasion.

Chuck Norris can sneeze faster than the speed of sound. The sound apologizes for being slow.

Chuck Norris's computer doesn't freeze. It politely pauses.

Chuck Norris can fix a computer by hitting it. The computer thanks him.

Chuck Norris once hacked a bank by walking past it.

Chuck Norris's smartwatch tells him whatever time he decides it is.

Chuck Norris once stared at a school of fish. They immediately failed.

Chuck Norris once disciplined a cat. The cat became a dog.

Chuck Norris once trained a hummingbird to fly in slow motion.

Mosquitoes that bite Chuck Norris immediately develop six-pack abs.

Chuck Norris once barked at a dog. The dog learned English.

Chuck Norris once lapped the entire Earth while standing still. The Earth moved.

Chuck Norris can tap out Morse code with his eyelids. Simultaneously in three languages.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in three moves.

Chuck Norris has finished the internet. He was disappointed.

The speed of darkness is measured by how fast it runs from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can lick his elbows. Both of them.

Chuck Norris once lost his watch. He simply decided what time it was and moved on.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror. He got seven years of good luck.

Chuck Norris's IQ is the same as his black belt size. Both are off the charts.

Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick measured 9.8 on the Richter scale. While in space.

Chuck Norris invented gravity. The apple asked permission before falling on Newton.

Chuck Norris doesn't use a bowling ball. He uses his finger.

Chuck Norris's warm-up routine is bicep curling an oil tanker.

Chuck Norris can split an atom with a karate chop.

Chuck Norris's abs have deflected bullets. The bullets apologized.

Scientists confirmed Chuck Norris's fist could shatter a diamond. The diamond agreed to the test voluntarily.

Every time Chuck Norris does a push-up, seismologists record a tremor.

When Chuck Norris cracks his knuckles it registers as thunder.

Chuck Norris doesn't lift weights. He gives them the honor of being lifted.

Chuck Norris once won a tug-of-war by himself. Against a locomotive.

Chuck Norris once solved a 40-year cold case by glancing at the file.

Chuck Norris once wrote the entire Bible in two hours. He thought it was too short.

Chuck Norris is a chess grandmaster. He plays checkers just to be fair to others.

Encyclopaedia Britannica once asked Chuck Norris to fact-check their work. He found mistakes.

Chuck Norris is the only human who fully understands cats. Cats respect him for keeping it secret.

Chuck Norris doesn't dream in color. He dreams in a fifth dimension.

Chuck Norris once corrected Shakespeare's grammar. Shakespeare changed it.

Chuck Norris doesn't see two sides to every argument. He sees four.

Chuck Norris finished a crossword puzzle before it was even printed.

Chuck Norris once taught the sun how to rise. Before that it just wobbled.

Chuck Norris can debug code by staring at it.

Chuck Norris can print a document without a printer.

Chuck Norris can express any thought in one character. Twitter once limited him.

Every AI ever created was secretly trained on Chuck Norris's life story.

Chuck Norris has never forgotten a password. Neither has the website.

Chuck Norris can 3D print without a machine. He sculpts atoms individually.

The internet runs faster when Chuck Norris is nearby.

Chuck Norris once hacked NASA by accident. He was checking the weather.

Chuck Norris built the first firewall. With actual fire.

Chuck Norris can format a hard drive with a single gaze.

Wolves were not raised by humans. One wolf was raised by Chuck Norris.

Dolphins developed sonar to detect Chuck Norris from farther away.

Penguins gave up flying to appear less threatening to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once trained a colony of ants to march in military formation. The ants still do it.

Octopuses have eight arms because one tried to shake hands with Chuck Norris.

Whales learned their songs from Chuck Norris. He only sang once.

Cats always land on their feet because Chuck Norris taught them.

The tortoise beat the hare. Chuck Norris beat the tortoise without moving.

Eagles ask Chuck Norris for permission before landing.

Bears hibernate to avoid Chuck Norris during winter.

The Moon's gravitational pull is Chuck Norris's resting muscle tension.

Chuck Norris once sent a radio signal into space. Aliens replied asking him to stop.

The asteroid belt is Chuck Norris's discarded jewelry.

Comets change their trajectory to avoid Chuck Norris.

The North Star exists because Chuck Norris needs a nightlight.

The Milky Way was formed when Chuck Norris spilled his coffee.

Supernovas are stars exploding from applauding Chuck Norris too hard.

Dark matter is just Chuck Norris's shadow.

Chuck Norris built the first telescope by forming one with his hands.

Chuck Norris doesn't walk on the dark side of the moon. He IS the dark side of the moon.

Chuck Norris never has an incomplete checklist. The tasks finish themselves.

Spiders in Chuck Norris's house weave in a roundhouse kick pattern.

Chuck Norris once skipped a stone across the Atlantic Ocean. It landed in a different era.

Chuck Norris doesn't check his blind spot. There are no blind spots when Chuck Norris drives.

Chuck Norris has never experienced brain freeze. His brain would never submit.

Balloons don't pop around Chuck Norris. They wouldn't dare.

Chuck Norris burns enough calories in one workout to power a small city.

Chuck Norris's zip code is just his name. Mail always finds him.

Duct tape asks Chuck Norris for repair advice.

Chuck Norris wrote the first dictionary. With his fist.

Cheese never grows mold in Chuck Norris's fridge. Mold is afraid to start.

Chuck Norris invented a fourth option in Rock Paper Scissors called Dynamite. He never uses it. He doesn't need to.

Chuck Norris doesn't use escalators. He invented them for other people to keep up with him.

Chuck Norris eats cereal without milk. Milk makes the cereal soft and he is opposed to that.

Chuck Norris checked his own math homework. The textbook had to change its answers.

Chuck Norris can slam a glass of water. Without spilling.

Chuck Norris's heartbeat is the official standard for the musical tempo of 120 BPM.

Chuck Norris once walked into a bar. The bar immediately straightened up and behaved.

Time once stopped for Chuck Norris. He told it to get back to work.

The sound of silence was recorded in Chuck Norris's presence.

The plus sign in mathematics was invented by Chuck Norris. It originally saluted.

Chuck Norris has never received a participation trophy. He only receives first place.

Chuck Norris doesn't pay taxes. The government thanks him for not charging them for the security he provides.

Chuck Norris can whisper and still break glass.

Paper never rips when Chuck Norris handles it. Paper wants to make a good impression.

Chuck Norris only sneezes once. The second sneeze is afraid to follow.

When Chuck Norris hiccups it sounds like thunder.

Chuck Norris has won every staring contest he has ever entered. He hasn't entered any. People forfeit before it starts.

Chuck Norris invented the seatbelt. For his car. Not for him.

Chuck Norris's GPS updates in real time. Time updates to match Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's default in Rock Paper Scissors is Fist. It beats everything.

Chuck Norris can catch smoke with his bare hands.

Static electricity asks Chuck Norris for permission before shocking him.

Chuck Norris doesn't have allergies. Allergens are allergic to him.

Chuck Norris's shadow has a black belt in karate.

Gum never loses its flavor in Chuck Norris's mouth. It gains more.

Chuck Norris can see around corners. Corners are transparent to him.

Quicksand sinks into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does crossword puzzles in pen. He never makes a mistake.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep to rest. He sleeps to give the world a chance to catch up.

Weather forecasters always get it right when Chuck Norris is in town. The weather wouldn't dare deviate.

Chuck Norris's phone charger charges itself from his presence.

Chuck Norris has never waited in line. The line waits for him to leave.

When Chuck Norris sits in a rocking chair it moves forward.

Chuck Norris's winning streak started at birth. He won being born.

Stickers never peel off what Chuck Norris sticks them to.

Chuck Norris can text with his fists.

Chuck Norris has no shadow indoors. The light is too afraid to cast one.

Chuck Norris can watch a Blu-ray on a VHS player. The quality improves.

Chuck Norris has never hit snooze. His alarm wakes up and then goes back to sleep.

Machu Picchu was built as a retreat for Chuck Norris. It was still too small.

Cavemen discovered fire. Chuck Norris had already tamed it.

Chuck Norris trained the Trojan Horse. It was his idea.

Every Roman gladiator retired the day Chuck Norris showed up to watch.

Pirate ships flew the skull and crossbones to warn Chuck Norris they were no threat.

Chuck Norris invented chess when he was bored. He has never lost a game since.

The Roman Colosseum was Chuck Norris's backyard arena. It was a downsizing.

The Aztec calendar originally had Chuck Norris's face on it. It was replaced to avoid panic.

The original marathon runner was carrying a message to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris already knew.

Atlantis sank when Chuck Norris did a cannonball into the ocean.

Every dictionary has Chuck Norris's face next to the word legendary.

When Chuck Norris rides an elevator it goes sideways just for him.

Traffic lights go green when they see Chuck Norris approaching.

Gravity doesn't hold Chuck Norris down. It holds him as a courtesy.

Chuck Norris has never been lost. The world has occasionally been in the wrong place.

Fortune cookies give Chuck Norris demands not fortunes.

Chuck Norris eats soup with a fork. The soup doesn't dare escape.

Chuck Norris won the lottery before he bought the ticket.

Chuck Norris broke a world record that didn't exist yet.

Chuck Norris doesn't work the graveyard shift. The graveyard works the Chuck Norris shift.

Ice cream has no flavor until Chuck Norris eats it. His approval gives it taste.

Paper cuts apologize to Chuck Norris.

Speed limit signs increase when Chuck Norris drives past.

Chuck Norris once entered a corn maze. He built an exit in under a minute.

Chuck Norris doesn't do his taxes. His taxes do themselves out of civic duty.

Chuck Norris invented escalators so regular people could use stairs while he waited.

Compasses always point to Chuck Norris regardless of where north is.

When Chuck Norris opens an umbrella it rains in the opposite direction.

Locks unlock themselves when Chuck Norris approaches.

Elevator music changes to an epic action theme when Chuck Norris enters.

Chuck Norris has never stubbed his toe. Furniture moves out of the way.

When Chuck Norris flips a coin it lands on its side. Every time.

Math errors correct themselves before Chuck Norris sees them.

Glitter does not stick to Chuck Norris. It does not dare.

Chuck Norris can whistle without pursing his lips. Notes just volunteer.

Chuck Norris's sneakers never get dirty. Mud steps aside.

The alphabet has an extra letter only Chuck Norris can pronounce.

A pencil has never broken in Chuck Norris's hand. The pencil would rather not.

Chuck Norris never misses at darts. He invented a new game called Always Bull.

Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-toe in one move.

Chuck Norris can nail Jello to a wall.

Chuck Norris knits. With barbed wire. The barbed wire is afraid to poke him.

When Chuck Norris uses sandpaper it becomes smooth.

When Chuck Norris orders a burrito it eats itself before he has to.

Chuck Norris reads faster than the speed of light. He finishes books before they are written.

Opposite poles of magnets attract. Both poles attract Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can blow out an electric candle.

Ice never melts in Chuck Norris's drink. It is afraid to disappoint him.

Chuck Norris's name is copyrighted. Even thinking it requires a license.

Chuck Norris's steak cooks itself when he looks at it.

The grass is always greener on Chuck Norris's side. The grass works hard for his approval.

Splinters never enter Chuck Norris's skin. Wood respects him too much.

Chuck Norris's shoelaces never get tangled. Knots untie themselves preemptively.

Chuck Norris invented the roundhouse kick. By accident. He was stretching.

The ocean parts when Chuck Norris goes for a swim.

Chuck Norris always punches the clock early. The clock begs him to stop.

Thunder is the sound of Chuck Norris applauding something.

Lightning is Chuck Norris pointing at something from above.

Chuck Norris can type faster than a computer can process.

Chuck Norris causes a magnitude 3 earthquake every time he jumps rope.

Chuck Norris can open a ketchup bottle without shaking or banging it.

Chuck Norris invented walking. So that others would have something to do while he runs.

Chuck Norris once pulled the plug on a black hole.

When Chuck Norris orders a steak well-done the cow volunteers in advance.

Chuck Norris could run any country. He has declined every offer out of humility.

Chuck Norris climbed Mount Everest twice. The first time he felt he hadn't gotten a good workout.

Chuck Norris's lullabies put adults to sleep in seconds.

Glue doesn't stick until Chuck Norris gives it permission.

Chuck Norris once made fire cry uncle.

Chuck Norris once punched the air. The air gasped.

Chuck Norris has a warning label. He wrote it himself.

Chuck Norris never uses lowercase letters when he speaks. Even whispers are in all caps.

Chuck Norris was stranded on an island once. The island apologized.

Chuck Norris doesn't play chess in 2D. He plays in four dimensions.

Chuck Norris's muscles are not allowed to be tired. They signed a contract.

Chuck Norris once threw a boomerang. It never came back. It was too afraid.

Chuck Norris once started a winning streak. It is still running.

Maps say You Are Here. Chuck Norris's maps say Everywhere Is Here.

Chuck Norris has never been cold. The world freezes to match his intensity.

Chuck Norris's stapler has never jammed. The staples stand in line voluntarily.

Chuck Norris invented the concept of the nap. He has never taken one.

Chuck Norris once submitted a resume. The interviewer asked him to tone it down.

Chuck Norris once won a debate without saying a word.

Mathematicians invented infinity to describe the number of Chuck Norris's push-ups.

Chuck Norris can parallel park a submarine.

Chuck Norris once lassoed the wind and reined it in.

Chuck Norris can whittle wood with his words.

Chuck Norris is his own search engine. He returns one result.

Chuck Norris's wallet doesn't have credit cards. Credit cards have Chuck Norris wallets.

Cereal stays crunchy in Chuck Norris's bowl. The milk is afraid to make it soggy.

Chuck Norris has never made a typo. The keyboard rearranges itself.

Chuck Norris once outran his own shadow.

Chuck Norris's elevator skips floors he doesn't need.

Chuck Norris wrote an encyclopedia entirely from memory. It had no errors.

Chuck Norris's fingernails trim themselves to the perfect length automatically.

A fire alarm once went off when Chuck Norris entered the building. Then it apologized and shut off.

Chuck Norris once sneezed and woke up every bear in hibernation globally.

Chuck Norris once arm-wrestled a table. The table lost but was honored.

Chuck Norris once threw a spear so far it hit a dinosaur in the past.

Chuck Norris has never lost a sock in the laundry. Socks are too scared to disappear on him.

Chuck Norris's kite never tangles its string. The wind obeys the geometry.

When it is Chuck Norris's birthday the candles blow themselves out in his honor.

Chuck Norris is a legend in his own time. Time agreed to the arrangement.