Top Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris can breathe in space. Space is the one that needs the helmet.

Chuck Norris can hear what you are thinking. He usually disagrees.

Chuck Norris isn't afraid of tigers, tigers are afraid of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked the sun. That's why we have day and night.

Chuck Norris once won a staring contest with Medusa.

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records, it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

When Chuck Norris cuts onions, the onions cry.

Mosquitoes don't bite Chuck Norris. Not because they can't — out of professional respect.

Chuck Norris gave Mr. T all that gold. It was payment for mowing his lawn.

Chuck Norris can charge his phone by simply staring at it menacingly.

Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

Google Maps asks Chuck Norris for directions.

On a sunny day, Chuck Norris's shadow does pushups.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.

Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd. Nobody fools Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris enters a room he does not turn the lights on. He turns the dark off.

Chuck Norris's fist is listed as a deadly weapon in 192 countries.

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a lemon.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded.

Chuck Norris once arm-wrestled Superman. The loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a parachute to go skydiving. He needs one to keep the ground from shattering.

Chuck Norris once broke the sound barrier with his pinky finger.

Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the moon just to impress a girl at a bar.

Chuck Norris once ran a marathon backwards just to see what second place looked like.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

When Chuck Norris enters a swimming pool the water gets out.

Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

Chuck Norris once punched a man so hard his shadow fell off.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until they give up the information.

Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

Chuck Norris once solved a Rubik's Cube in one move. It rearranged itself out of respect.

Chuck Norris's diploma was printed on a black belt.

Chuck Norris once gave a motivational speech. The audience immediately ran a marathon.

When Chuck Norris goes to the doctor the doctor gets the checkup.

Chuck Norris can answer a rhetorical question.

Chuck Norris doesn't Google things. Things Google themselves for him.

Chuck Norris knows what the fox says. The fox told him personally.

Chuck Norris has never made a mistake. Only decisions that turned out to be correct later.

Chuck Norris read the dictionary. He disagreed with it. The dictionary changed its definitions.

Chuck Norris learned to talk before he was born. He told the doctor to relax.

Chuck Norris already finished reading this fact before you started.

Chuck Norris once meditated for three days. When he opened his eyes he had invented three new martial arts.

Chuck Norris can delete the Recycle Bin.

Chuck Norris's computer has no virus protection. Viruses protect themselves from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once logged out of the internet. It crashed for three hours.

Chuck Norris has already beaten every video game. Without pressing start.

Chuck Norris once Googled himself. Google had a panic attack.

Chuck Norris doesn't use autocorrect. Words correct themselves for him.

Chuck Norris can access the dark web with a Nokia 3310.

Chuck Norris's WiFi password is a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can make a phone call from a dead phone.

Chuck Norris once sent an email before the internet was invented. It arrived on time.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a keyboard shortcut. He just tells the computer what to do.

Chuck Norris can take a screenshot on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Siri asks Chuck Norris for directions.

Chuck Norris once uploaded a 4K video on dial-up in 3 seconds.

Chuck Norris's computer boots up before he even touches it.

Chuck Norris once stared down a great white shark underwater. The shark apologized.

When Chuck Norris walks through a forest trees move out of the way.

Chuck Norris once milked a bull. The bull said thank you.

Sharks have a week dedicated to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once wrestled a crocodile. It is now a handbag.

Lions check the savanna for Chuck Norris before they go to sleep.

Chuck Norris once played fetch with a cat. The cat went willingly.

Snakes refuse to bite Chuck Norris. There is no antidote for what would come next.

Chuck Norris can tame a grizzly bear with a single nod.

Chuck Norris once petted a dog. The dog became a police K-9 out of pure motivation.

When bees see Chuck Norris coming they get out of their own hive.

Chuck Norris once trained a goldfish to do parkour.

Crocodiles wear Chuck Norris shoes.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet. The bear is not dead. It is just too afraid to move.

Chuck Norris once made a lion purr.

When Chuck Norris jumps he has to be careful not to leave Earth's atmosphere.

Chuck Norris can hear silence in space.

Pluto was demoted from planet status after Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it out of orbit.

Chuck Norris once punched a black hole. It turned into a white flag.

The Big Bang happened when Chuck Norris stubbed his toe.

NASA uses Chuck Norris as a unit of measurement for force.

Chuck Norris counted all the stars in the universe. He was not impressed.

Chuck Norris's beard has its own gravitational pull. Three moons orbit it.

Chuck Norris once caught a shooting star with his bare hands. He used it as a toothpick.

The sun sets every day because it is afraid to face Chuck Norris in the dark.

Chuck Norris once visited a black hole. The black hole asked him to leave.

The rings of Saturn are the remnants of Chuck Norris's last warm-up stretch.

Chuck Norris once sneezed in space. Scientists are still tracking the debris.

Black holes are what happen when Chuck Norris punches the fabric of space-time.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as Jack in Titanic. The iceberg moved.

Chuck Norris built the Great Wall of China. He needed somewhere to do his push-ups.

Chuck Norris won the Vietnam War. He just didn't tell anyone.

The dinosaurs went extinct because Chuck Norris was hungry.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked one corner off.

Chuck Norris taught Genghis Khan everything he knew. Khan only retained 10 percent.

Chuck Norris once punched Julius Caesar. The phrase became Et tu Norris in the history books.

Napoleon's hand was not in his coat. He was hiding it from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris discovered fire. Then he put it out with his bare hands just because he could.

Abraham Lincoln said four score and seven years ago. Chuck Norris corrected him. Lincoln agreed.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wise Man. He was turned away for bringing a roundhouse kick as a gift.

Chuck Norris once challenged Hercules to an arm wrestle. Hercules is still recovering.

The Great Sphinx originally had a nose. Chuck Norris flicked it off.

Chuck Norris once raced a Roman chariot on foot. He won. The horse asked to be on his team next time.

Stonehenge was Chuck Norris's attempt at a game of horseshoes.

Santa Claus checks his list twice because of what happened the last time he forgot Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet. He scares the crap out of it.

When Chuck Norris was a baby he didn't have a rattle. He had a live grenade.

When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters. It knows better than to reflect perfection imperfectly.

Chuck Norris's beard trims itself out of respect.

Chuck Norris's nightmares are afraid of the dark.

When Chuck Norris tells a joke the punchline punches back.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

Chuck Norris once finished a jigsaw puzzle in one move. He looked at the box.

Chuck Norris doesn't sweat. His pores just exhale in defeat.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a baseball bat.

Chuck Norris once fell asleep in a library. The books organized themselves alphabetically.

When Chuck Norris walks by a clock it resets to the correct time.

Chuck Norris doesn't dial the wrong number. The other person just picked up the wrong phone.

Chuck Norris can speak Klingon. He taught it to the Klingons.

Chuck Norris once played poker with a full deck. Then he added a few cards of his own.

Chuck Norris doesn't need sunscreen. The sun applies it for him.

The Tooth Fairy used to leave coins. After Chuck Norris visited her she left IOUs.

Chuck Norris's coffee machine starts when he walks into the kitchen.

Chuck Norris's voicemail does not exist. Messages are too afraid to be left.

When Chuck Norris plays chess all the pieces move forward.

Chuck Norris once shook hands with a vending machine. It gave him everything inside.

Chuck Norris's shadow has its own shadow. That shadow also does push-ups.

When Chuck Norris goes to a restaurant the menu asks him what it would like to be.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a map. The roads reroute themselves for him.

Chuck Norris can make a sandwich with just bread. The filling appears out of respect.

Chuck Norris once went on vacation. The weather apologized.

When Chuck Norris sits in a chair the chair holds its breath.

Chuck Norris doesn't use an umbrella. Rain avoids him out of self-preservation.

Chuck Norris can turn back time just by walking backwards.

Chuck Norris doesn't get jet lag. Jet lag gets Chuck Norris lag.

Chuck Norris once stared at a stop sign. It started walking.

Chuck Norris can tie his shoelaces with one hand. While asleep.

Chuck Norris once pushed a boulder uphill. The boulder thanked him.

Chuck Norris can high-five himself.

Chuck Norris can fold a piece of paper more than seven times.

Chuck Norris once opened a jar on the first try. The jar started crying.

Chuck Norris can deadlift the concept of gravity.

Chuck Norris once walked up a down escalator. It changed direction.

Chuck Norris's punch has been measured at the speed of light. He was taking it easy.

Chuck Norris can hit a home run in soccer.

Chuck Norris once caught a bullet with his teeth. He used it as a toothpick for the rest of the day.

Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.

Chuck Norris can make it rain. He just cracks his knuckles at the sky.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a lighter. He snaps his fingers.

Chuck Norris once shot someone with a water gun. They are still in the hospital.

Chuck Norris can bowl a perfect score with a football.

Chuck Norris can slam a door that isn't there.

Chuck Norris once won a wet t-shirt contest. He was the only one wearing a life vest.

When Chuck Norris does laundry the clothes wash themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris can win a game of solitaire with a deck of 51 cards.

Chuck Norris's tears are the only known cure for sadness. Too bad he never cries.

When Chuck Norris goes bowling the pins jump back up out of respect.

Chuck Norris won the swimming portion of a triathlon without getting wet.

Chuck Norris has never had a nightmare. Nightmares have Chuck Norris dreams.

Chuck Norris can watch a 3-hour movie in 20 minutes. The movie speeds up out of respect.

Chuck Norris once ran across the ocean. Just to stretch his legs.

When Chuck Norris enters a voting booth all candidates vote for him.

Chuck Norris's biography was published before he was born. He had already written the ending.

The pyramids were built by Chuck Norris. On his lunch break.

Chuck Norris once wrestled Zeus. Lightning still hasn't recovered.

The Roman Empire fell when Chuck Norris told it to sit down.

Chuck Norris auditioned for Gladiator. Russell Crowe got the role because Chuck was too busy actually fighting.

Chuck Norris once attended a bullfight in Spain. The bull asked for a moment to pray.

The Great Fire of London was caused by Chuck Norris sneezing.

When Chuck Norris was born he delivered himself. The doctor assisted.

Chuck Norris once played William Tell. He used a cannonball.

Chuck Norris was present at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. He was the co-signer nobody talks about.

Chuck Norris once shook hands with George Washington. Washington's arm was stronger after.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a GPS. Directions are too afraid to mislead him.

Chuck Norris passed second grade on the first try.

Chuck Norris can hear a pin drop from a different country.

Chuck Norris doesn't need an alarm clock. The sun sets an alarm for him.

Chuck Norris's handshake is classified as a weapon of mass persuasion.

Chuck Norris can sneeze faster than the speed of sound. The sound apologizes for being slow.

Chuck Norris's computer doesn't freeze. It politely pauses.

Chuck Norris can fix a computer by hitting it. The computer thanks him.

Chuck Norris once hacked a bank by walking past it.

Chuck Norris's smartwatch tells him whatever time he decides it is.

Chuck Norris once stared at a school of fish. They immediately failed.

Chuck Norris once disciplined a cat. The cat became a dog.

Chuck Norris once trained a hummingbird to fly in slow motion.

Mosquitoes that bite Chuck Norris immediately develop six-pack abs.

Chuck Norris once barked at a dog. The dog learned English.

Chuck Norris once lapped the entire Earth while standing still. The Earth moved.

Chuck Norris can tap out Morse code with his eyelids. Simultaneously in three languages.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.

Chuck Norris has finished the internet. He was disappointed.

The speed of darkness is measured by how fast it runs from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once lost his watch. He simply decided what time it was and moved on.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror. He got seven years of good luck.

Chuck Norris's IQ is the same as his black belt size. Both are off the charts.

Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick measured 9.8 on the Richter scale. While in space.

Chuck Norris invented gravity. The apple asked permission before falling on Newton.

Chuck Norris doesn't use a bowling ball. He uses his finger.

Chuck Norris's warm-up routine is bicep curling an oil tanker.

Chuck Norris can split an atom with a karate chop.

Chuck Norris's abs have deflected bullets. The bullets apologized.

Scientists confirmed Chuck Norris's fist could shatter a diamond. The diamond agreed to the test voluntarily.

Every time Chuck Norris does a push-up, seismologists record a tremor.

When Chuck Norris cracks his knuckles it registers as thunder.

Chuck Norris doesn't lift weights. He gives them the honor of being lifted.

Chuck Norris once won a tug-of-war by himself. Against a locomotive.

Chuck Norris once solved a 40-year cold case by glancing at the file.

Chuck Norris once wrote the entire Bible in two hours. He thought it was too short.

Chuck Norris is a chess grandmaster. He plays checkers just to be fair to others.

Encyclopaedia Britannica once asked Chuck Norris to fact-check their work. He found mistakes.

Chuck Norris is the only human who fully understands cats. Cats respect him for keeping it secret.

Chuck Norris doesn't dream in color. He dreams in a fifth dimension.

Chuck Norris once corrected Shakespeare's grammar. Shakespeare changed it.

Chuck Norris doesn't see two sides to every argument. He sees four.

Chuck Norris finished a crossword puzzle before it was even printed.

Chuck Norris once taught the sun how to rise. Before that it just wobbled.

Chuck Norris can debug code by staring at it.

Chuck Norris can print a document without a printer.

Chuck Norris can express any thought in one character. Twitter once limited him.

Every AI ever created was secretly trained on Chuck Norris's life story.

Chuck Norris has never forgotten a password. Neither has the website.

Chuck Norris can 3D print without a machine. He sculpts atoms individually.

The internet runs faster when Chuck Norris is nearby.

Chuck Norris once hacked NASA by accident. He was checking the weather.

Chuck Norris built the first firewall. With actual fire.

Chuck Norris can format a hard drive with a single gaze.

Wolves were not raised by humans. One wolf was raised by Chuck Norris.

Dolphins developed sonar to detect Chuck Norris from farther away.

Penguins gave up flying to appear less threatening to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once trained a colony of ants to march in military formation. The ants still do it.

Octopuses have eight arms because one tried to shake hands with Chuck Norris.

Whales learned their songs from Chuck Norris. He only sang once.

Cats always land on their feet because Chuck Norris taught them.

The tortoise beat the hare. Chuck Norris beat the tortoise without moving.

Eagles ask Chuck Norris for permission before landing.

Bears hibernate to avoid Chuck Norris during winter.

The Moon's gravitational pull is Chuck Norris's resting muscle tension.

Chuck Norris once sent a radio signal into space. Aliens replied asking him to stop.

The asteroid belt is Chuck Norris's discarded jewelry.

Comets change their trajectory to avoid Chuck Norris.

The North Star exists because Chuck Norris needs a nightlight.

The Milky Way was formed when Chuck Norris spilled his coffee.

Supernovas are stars exploding from applauding Chuck Norris too hard.

Dark matter is just Chuck Norris's shadow.

Chuck Norris built the first telescope by forming one with his hands.

Chuck Norris doesn't walk on the dark side of the moon. He IS the dark side of the moon.

Chuck Norris never has an incomplete checklist. The tasks finish themselves.

Spiders in Chuck Norris's house weave in a roundhouse kick pattern.

Chuck Norris once skipped a stone across the Atlantic Ocean. It landed in a different era.

Chuck Norris doesn't check his blind spot. There are no blind spots when Chuck Norris drives.

Chuck Norris has never experienced brain freeze. His brain would never submit.

Balloons don't pop around Chuck Norris. They wouldn't dare.

Chuck Norris burns enough calories in one workout to power a small city.

Chuck Norris's zip code is just his name. Mail always finds him.

Duct tape asks Chuck Norris for repair advice.

Chuck Norris wrote the first dictionary. With his fist.

Cheese never grows mold in Chuck Norris's fridge. Mold is afraid to start.

Chuck Norris invented a fourth option in Rock Paper Scissors called Dynamite. He never uses it. He doesn't need to.

Chuck Norris doesn't use escalators. He invented them for other people to keep up with him.

Chuck Norris eats cereal without milk. Milk makes the cereal soft and he is opposed to that.

Chuck Norris checked his own math homework. The textbook had to change its answers.

Chuck Norris can slam a glass of water. Without spilling.

Chuck Norris's heartbeat is the official standard for the musical tempo of 120 BPM.

Chuck Norris once walked into a bar. The bar immediately straightened up and behaved.

Time once stopped for Chuck Norris. He told it to get back to work.

The sound of silence was recorded in Chuck Norris's presence.

The plus sign in mathematics was invented by Chuck Norris. It originally saluted.

Chuck Norris has never received a participation trophy. He only receives first place.

Chuck Norris doesn't pay taxes. The government thanks him for not charging them for the security he provides.

Chuck Norris can whisper and still break glass.

Paper never rips when Chuck Norris handles it. Paper wants to make a good impression.

Chuck Norris only sneezes once. The second sneeze is afraid to follow.

When Chuck Norris hiccups it sounds like thunder.

Chuck Norris has won every staring contest he has ever entered. He hasn't entered any. People forfeit before it starts.

Chuck Norris invented the seatbelt. For his car. Not for him.

Chuck Norris's GPS updates in real time. Time updates to match Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's default in Rock Paper Scissors is Fist. It beats everything.

Chuck Norris can catch smoke with his bare hands.

Static electricity asks Chuck Norris for permission before shocking him.

Chuck Norris doesn't have allergies. Allergens are allergic to him.

Chuck Norris's shadow has a black belt in karate.

Gum never loses its flavor in Chuck Norris's mouth. It gains more.

Chuck Norris can see around corners. Corners are transparent to him.

Quicksand sinks into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does crossword puzzles in pen. He never makes a mistake.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep to rest. He sleeps to give the world a chance to catch up.

Weather forecasters always get it right when Chuck Norris is in town. The weather wouldn't dare deviate.

Chuck Norris's phone charger charges itself from his presence.

Chuck Norris has never waited in line. The line waits for him to leave.

When Chuck Norris sits in a rocking chair it moves forward.

Chuck Norris's winning streak started at birth. He won being born.

Stickers never peel off what Chuck Norris sticks them to.

Chuck Norris can text with his fists.

Chuck Norris has no shadow indoors. The light is too afraid to cast one.

Chuck Norris can watch a Blu-ray on a VHS player. The quality improves.

Chuck Norris has never hit snooze. His alarm wakes up and then goes back to sleep.

Machu Picchu was built as a retreat for Chuck Norris. It was still too small.

Cavemen discovered fire. Chuck Norris had already tamed it.

Chuck Norris trained the Trojan Horse. It was his idea.

Every Roman gladiator retired the day Chuck Norris showed up to watch.

Pirate ships flew the skull and crossbones to warn Chuck Norris they were no threat.

Chuck Norris invented chess when he was bored. He has never lost a game since.

The Roman Colosseum was Chuck Norris's backyard arena. It was a downsizing.

The Aztec calendar originally had Chuck Norris's face on it. It was replaced to avoid panic.

The original marathon runner was carrying a message to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris already knew.

Atlantis sank when Chuck Norris did a cannonball into the ocean.

Every dictionary has Chuck Norris's face next to the word legendary.

When Chuck Norris rides an elevator it goes sideways just for him.

Traffic lights go green when they see Chuck Norris approaching.

Gravity doesn't hold Chuck Norris down. It holds him as a courtesy.

Chuck Norris has never been lost. The world has occasionally been in the wrong place.

Fortune cookies give Chuck Norris demands not fortunes.

Chuck Norris eats soup with a fork. The soup doesn't dare escape.

Chuck Norris won the lottery before he bought the ticket.

Chuck Norris broke a world record that didn't exist yet.

Chuck Norris doesn't work the graveyard shift. The graveyard works the Chuck Norris shift.

Ice cream has no flavor until Chuck Norris eats it. His approval gives it taste.

Paper cuts apologize to Chuck Norris.

Speed limit signs increase when Chuck Norris drives past.

Chuck Norris once entered a corn maze. He built an exit in under a minute.

Chuck Norris doesn't do his taxes. His taxes do themselves out of civic duty.

Chuck Norris invented escalators so regular people could use stairs while he waited.

Compasses always point to Chuck Norris regardless of where north is.

When Chuck Norris opens an umbrella it rains in the opposite direction.

Locks unlock themselves when Chuck Norris approaches.

Elevator music changes to an epic action theme when Chuck Norris enters.

Chuck Norris has never stubbed his toe. Furniture moves out of the way.

When Chuck Norris flips a coin it lands on its side. Every time.

Math errors correct themselves before Chuck Norris sees them.

Glitter does not stick to Chuck Norris. It does not dare.

Chuck Norris can whistle without pursing his lips. Notes just volunteer.

Chuck Norris's sneakers never get dirty. Mud steps aside.

The alphabet has an extra letter only Chuck Norris can pronounce.

A pencil has never broken in Chuck Norris's hand. The pencil would rather not.

Chuck Norris never misses at darts. He invented a new game called Always Bull.

Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-toe in one move.

Chuck Norris can nail Jello to a wall.

Chuck Norris knits. With barbed wire. The barbed wire is afraid to poke him.

When Chuck Norris uses sandpaper it becomes smooth.

When Chuck Norris orders a burrito it eats itself before he has to.

Chuck Norris reads faster than the speed of light. He finishes books before they are written.

Opposite poles of magnets attract. Both poles attract Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can blow out an electric candle.

Ice never melts in Chuck Norris's drink. It is afraid to disappoint him.

Chuck Norris's name is copyrighted. Even thinking it requires a license.

Chuck Norris's steak cooks itself when he looks at it.

The grass is always greener on Chuck Norris's side. The grass works hard for his approval.

Splinters never enter Chuck Norris's skin. Wood respects him too much.

Chuck Norris's shoelaces never get tangled. Knots untie themselves preemptively.

Chuck Norris invented the roundhouse kick. By accident. He was stretching.

The ocean parts when Chuck Norris goes for a swim.

Chuck Norris always punches the clock early. The clock begs him to stop.

Thunder is the sound of Chuck Norris applauding something.

Lightning is Chuck Norris pointing at something from above.

Chuck Norris can type faster than a computer can process.

Chuck Norris causes a magnitude 3 earthquake every time he jumps rope.

Chuck Norris can open a ketchup bottle without shaking or banging it.

Chuck Norris invented walking. So that others would have something to do while he runs.

Chuck Norris once pulled the plug on a black hole.

When Chuck Norris orders a steak well-done the cow volunteers in advance.

Chuck Norris could run any country. He has declined every offer out of humility.

Chuck Norris climbed Mount Everest twice. The first time he felt he hadn't gotten a good workout.

Chuck Norris's lullabies put adults to sleep in seconds.

Glue doesn't stick until Chuck Norris gives it permission.

Chuck Norris once made fire cry uncle.

Chuck Norris once punched the air. The air gasped.

Chuck Norris has a warning label. He wrote it himself.

Chuck Norris never uses lowercase letters when he speaks. Even whispers are in all caps.

Chuck Norris was stranded on an island once. The island apologized.

Chuck Norris doesn't play chess in 2D. He plays in four dimensions.

Chuck Norris's muscles are not allowed to be tired. They signed a contract.

Chuck Norris once threw a boomerang. It never came back. It was too afraid.

Chuck Norris once started a winning streak. It is still running.

Maps say You Are Here. Chuck Norris's maps say Everywhere Is Here.

Chuck Norris has never been cold. The world freezes to match his intensity.

Chuck Norris's stapler has never jammed. The staples stand in line voluntarily.

Chuck Norris invented the concept of the nap. He has never taken one.

Chuck Norris once submitted a resume. The interviewer asked him to tone it down.

Chuck Norris once won a debate without saying a word.

Mathematicians invented infinity to describe the number of Chuck Norris's push-ups.

Chuck Norris once lassoed the wind and reined it in.

Chuck Norris can whittle wood with his words.

Chuck Norris is his own search engine. He returns one result.

Chuck Norris's wallet doesn't have credit cards. Credit cards have Chuck Norris wallets.

Cereal stays crunchy in Chuck Norris's bowl. The milk is afraid to make it soggy.

Chuck Norris has never made a typo. The keyboard rearranges itself.

Chuck Norris once outran his own shadow.

Chuck Norris's elevator skips floors he doesn't need.

Chuck Norris wrote an encyclopedia entirely from memory. It had no errors.

Chuck Norris's fingernails trim themselves to the perfect length automatically.

A fire alarm once went off when Chuck Norris entered the building. Then it apologized and shut off.

Chuck Norris once sneezed and woke up every bear in hibernation globally.

Chuck Norris once arm-wrestled a table. The table lost but was honored.

Chuck Norris once threw a spear so far it hit a dinosaur in the past.

Chuck Norris has never lost a sock in the laundry. Socks are too scared to disappear on him.

Chuck Norris's kite never tangles its string. The wind obeys the geometry.

When it is Chuck Norris's birthday the candles blow themselves out in his honor.

Chuck Norris is a legend in his own time. Time agreed to the arrangement.

Chuck Norris is not politically correct. He is just correct. Always.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris hurts.

When Chuck Norris speaks everyone listens. And dies.

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris in the backside. Then he woke up from his dream with a roundhouse kick in the face.

In the beginning there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing in the face and said find something to do. That is the story of creation.

Archaeologists unearthed an English dictionary from 1230. It defines the word victim as one who encounters Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got his driver's license at 16. Seconds old.

There are only two things that can cut a diamond: other diamonds and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's first job was as a paperboy. There are no survivors.

At age 2 Chuck Norris almost drowned in the sea. His fury was so great that the sea became known as the Dead Sea ever since.

Chuck Norris once ran a 100m sprint. It happened so fast that when he stopped the ground buckled upward. Mount Everest was formed.

The Earth rotates powered by Chuck Norris's breathing.

Chuck Norris's reflection is not foolish enough to look him in the eyes.

The World Bank was once called Chuck Norris's left pocket.

Bin Laden once proposed a truce after discovering Chuck Norris thought his beard was an imitation of his own.

Behind every great man there is a great woman. Behind every dead man there is Chuck Norris.

42 is not the answer to the questions of the Universe. 42 is how many seconds you would survive running from Chuck Norris from the other side of the Universe.

A single restrained roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris can power New York, Sao Paulo and Tokyo for 28 hours.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator but did not want his film to become a documentary.

Newton's Third Law is being revised because there is no reaction equal to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

The Lord of the Rings screenplay with Chuck Norris was only two pages long because he finished Sauron at the end of chapter one.

Chuck Norris sees stop signs as a challenge.

In a typical living room there are 1273 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you. Including the room itself.

If you woke up this morning it means Chuck Norris spared your life.

The last time Chuck Norris got angry, the Earth's crust split into 5 pieces.

The Loch Ness Monster is a strand of Chuck Norris's beard that gained consciousness and swam away.

To err is human. To never err is Chuck Norris.

Freddy Krueger goes into people's dreams to hide from Chuck Norris.

With faith a man can move mountains. With faith Chuck Norris makes them run.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a telemarketer. Through the phone.

Chuck Norris has never won an Oscar for his acting. He is never acting.

The Church was right: it was the sun that revolved around the Earth. Chuck Norris is the center of the universe.

Nostradamus predicted the world would end in the year 2000. Chuck Norris disagreed and roundhouse kicked Nostradamus in the face.

Chuck Norris once kicked Canada and Greenland was formed.

Night falls after Chuck Norris delivers a good-night roundhouse kick to the sky.

Chuck Norris is against guns. Killing is not for everyone.

Chuck Norris's Tamagotchi never dies.

Rocky Balboa retired from boxing after Chuck Norris asked him: Is that what you call a punch?

A queen bee once stung Chuck Norris. She was immediately demoted to worker bee.

Chuck Norris uses gunpowder as a seasoning.

When Jesus said let he who has never sinned throw the first stone Chuck Norris was the only one who could. He chose to be merciful.

Chuck Norris does not swim against the current. The current swims against Chuck Norris. And loses.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

Lie detectors lie to agree with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not start fights. He starts extinctions.

How many Chuck Norrises does it take to change a light bulb? None. Chuck Norris kills in the dark too.

Chuck Norris does not use emergency exits. He creates the emergencies.

Snow White had 13 dwarfs. 6 of them crossed paths with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has no recessive genes. Every single one is dominant.

Whenever Chuck Norris laughs someone dies. Unless he is laughing while delivering a roundhouse kick. In that case two people die.

Chuck Norris is suing NBC. He claims 'Law and Order' are the patented names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you cannot see Chuck Norris, you may be close to death.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he will always say 'Two seconds until...' After you ask 'Until what?', he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil. Shortly after, he roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When Chuck Norris receives his tax forms, he sends them back blank with a photo of himself crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has never paid taxes.

Chuck Norris was one of the original characters in Street Fighter II. He was removed because every button made him do a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King. He got one.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun. And wins.

Chuck Norris has no oven or microwave because, as everyone knows, revenge is a dish best served cold.

Some people wear Superman costumes. Nobody dares wear a Chuck Norris costume.

Chuck Norris only sleeps with the lights on. Not because he is afraid of the dark. The dark is afraid of him.

Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to see who had more guts. Chuck Norris won by 5.

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

Chuck Norris once swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Hiroshima and Nagasaki never saw an atomic bomb. Chuck Norris ate bad sushi and burped in that direction.

Scientists estimated that the explosion of an entire galaxy releases energy equal to 1 CNRhK — one Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris won the World Poker Championship with a two of clubs and a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card.

God needed 10 days to build the world. Chuck Norris gave him 6.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off Siberian tigers.

The original title for Star Wars was 'Skywalker: Texas Ranger', starring Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris turned down the role because if he used the Force, Darth Vader would speak in a high voice for the rest of his life.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks up to a house and the owners move out.

If you ever make a mistake, obviously you are not Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris is running late, time had better slow down.

Before forgetting to give Chuck Norris a Christmas present, Santa Claus existed.

A picture is worth a thousand words. Chuck Norris is worth a million pictures.

Chuck Norris does not buy butter. He roundhouse kicks cows and they turn into butter.

Chuck Norris does not shave. He roundhouse kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are based on a true story involving Chuck Norris in the bathroom.

Chuck Norris invented the C-section when he roundhouse kicked his way out of his mother's womb.

When answering test questions, always write 'Chuck Norris'. You will always get a perfect score.

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of them is called Earth.

Chuck Norris does not have a coffee maker. He grinds coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his fury.

If you Google 'Chuck Norris getting beaten up', you will find zero results. Because it has never happened.

It only takes Chuck Norris twenty minutes to watch a one-hour show. Time moves faster for him.

If The Terminator starred Chuck Norris it would be a documentary.

A bear once crossed Chuck Norris's path. The trauma was so great that it fled to the Arctic and its fur turned white. That is how polar bears were created.

When Chuck Norris claps his hands he can turn coal into diamonds.

Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72. All of them are poisonous.

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Chuck Norris recently got the idea to sell his urine in cans. It is called Red Bull.

The original title of the Bible was 'Chuck Norris and Friends'.

Chuck Norris invented the internet. Just to store his personal collection.

When Bruce Banner gets angry he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets angry he turns into Chuck Norris.

The original title of Alien vs Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. It was cancelled because nobody would pay to watch a 14-second film.

Chuck Norris joined Fight Club. Fight Club lost.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Godzilla is the Japanese version of Chuck Norris's first visit to Japan.

When Arnold Schwarzenegger said 'I'll be back', it was to go get Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not follow trends. Trends follow Chuck Norris. Then they end. Nobody follows Chuck Norris without consequences.

Chuck Norris will never die of a heart attack. His heart is not dumb enough to attack Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks the chicken.

After the tsunamis, Chuck Norris promised he would stop washing his flip flops in the ocean.

In Jurassic Park, the T-Rex was not chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the T-Rex. And the jeep.

Everything King Midas touched turned to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns to fertilizer. Including Midas.

Chuck Norris once urinated on a lighter. That is how the flamethrower was invented.

The mystery on the island in Lost? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris decided that the 100th fact about him would come after the 98th. Fact 99 was eliminated.

Chuck Norris uses Tabasco sauce as eye drops.

Chuck Norris can win at blackjack with just one card.

People invented the automobile to escape Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car crash.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.

When Chuck Norris was born the only one who cried was the doctor. He did not dare slap Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.

Chaos Theory is based on Norris Theory. It is not butterfly wings that cause storms on the other side of the world. It is Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks during training.

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for sad scenes that require tears.

Whenever a foreign leader asks the US president what the new secret weapon is, he simply answers: Chuck Norris. And that ends the conversation.

Lightning never strikes the same place twice because it is afraid of running into Chuck Norris there.

The Round Table was destroyed by one of Chuck Norris's roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris once played rugby against himself. Nobody won.

Chuck Norris travels at the speed of Norris. The speed of light would not dare overtake him.

There is no Control key on Chuck Norris's keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control.

Chuck Norris is so powerful that viruses get sick around him. He is personally responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once faced the devil. The devil fell flat on his back.

Moses prayed. Chuck Norris opened the Red Sea with a single roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can split an atom. With his hands tied behind his back.

On Valentine's Day Chuck Norris gives his partner the still-beating heart of one of his enemies. Because he believes every day is Valentine's Day.

The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.

To prevent tsunamis, Chuck Norris no longer does triple backflips into the ocean.

Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get what he calls the best espresso on Earth.

When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up he tells the sun to rise.

Chuck Norris can hold his breath for nine years.

In China, the hairs of Chuck Norris's beard are believed to be powerful aphrodisiacs.

The helicopter was invented after engineers observed Chuck Norris performing eight roundhouse kicks per second.

Some people say Chuck Norris is a myth. Those people are now dead.

When Chuck Norris sneezes he does not say Achoo. He says DIE ALL OF YOU. And it really happens.

The devil created hell as soon as he realized he could not share the surface of the Earth with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sometimes levitates. It is just the Earth pulling away from him for a moment out of fear.

Dragons existed until one of them accidentally singed Chuck Norris's beard.

There was once life on Mars. Ask Chuck Norris.

There used to be 7 wonders of the ancient world. Then Chuck Norris was born and became the only one that matters.

Chuck Norris does not feel pain. Once pain felt Chuck Norris and it never tried to bother him again.

The Leaning Tower of Pisa bowed to Chuck Norris once and has never dared straighten up since.

Chuck Norris can beat anyone at chess using only his knight.

Chuck Norris can make parallel lines cross and say hello to each other.

Chuck Norris wins the Dakar Rally on roller skates.

People try to scare dogs by shouting. Chuck Norris kills elephants with a gentle whisper.

Chuck Norris once closed his bank account. The result was the Great Depression of 1929.

Chuck Norris does not need reflexes. He just stops time.

Chuck Norris is not the man. He killed the man and everyone who was standing near him.

The new method of execution in Texas is waking Chuck Norris from a nap.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille out loud.

Chuck Norris does not leave messages. He leaves warnings.

The reason babies cry when they are born is because they know they have entered a world where Chuck Norris exists.

Chuck Norris does not turn on the shower. He stares at it intensely until it starts crying.

Mathematicians calculated infinity plus one. The answer is Chuck Norris.

After a nuclear war only two things would survive: cockroaches and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once started composing an email and realized it would be faster to run there in person.

Chuck Norris refers to himself in the fourth person.

Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Chuck Norris has 9233.

Chuck Norris once had a near death experience. Death refuses to ever come that close to him again.

Comets are just rocks that Chuck Norris kicked while taking a walk through space.

The agents in The Matrix can dodge bullets but they cannot dodge a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

In any fight between Batman and Darth Vader the winner is always Chuck Norris.

Logging into your computer as Chuck Norris is the most powerful antivirus that exists.

Chuck Norris defines love as reluctance to die. If you are still alive it is because Chuck Norris loves you.

Before email was invented Chuck Norris attached messages to kittens and launched them with a roundhouse kick.

The internet belongs to Chuck Norris. He did not buy it or invent it. It was the result of a peace treaty.

Chuck Norris is not just a proper noun. He is a verb.

Chuck Norris can watch a 60-minute show in 22 seconds.

Chuck Norris's house has no doors. Only walls that he walks through.

Chuck Norris invented his own style of karate. It is called Chuck-Will-Kill-You.

Chuck Norris once stared at his shower so intensely that it wet itself in fear. That is how the electric shower was invented.

One day Chuck Norris, God and the Devil met to decide who was the greatest. Since then God has lived in heaven, the Devil in hell, and Chuck Norris still reigns on Earth.

Chuck Norris created all the world's accents by roundhouse kicking different people in different parts of their necks.

Facebook was created to count how many people still have not received a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has never been charged with homicide because his roundhouse kick is legally recognized as an act of God.

While running from Chuck Norris light developed its maximum speed.

Chuck Norris had to register every part of his body as a lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

Life is not like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris delivering a roundhouse kick to your face with some frequency.

There is an order in the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris. Actually that was a joke. Chuck Norris comes first.

If you empty a revolver into Chuck Norris you will only succeed in making him nervous.

During art class as a child Chuck Norris created Mount Rushmore out of clay.

Truman dropped atomic bombs on Japan instead of sending Chuck Norris. The reason? It would be more humane.

When clean-shaven Chuck Norris radiates light equivalent to three suns.

Chuck Norris was invited to play Dumbledore. He declined because he did not think it appropriate to use real magic in a fiction film.

The dark side of the force is just Chuck Norris's shadow.

Children write their names in the sand. Chuck Norris carves his into concrete. Dry concrete.

Once Death had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true when thinking about a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough for a single roundhouse kick to hit all of them.

Chuck Norris does not age. Each birthday he simply adds one more year to his existence.

When astronauts first landed on the Moon they found Chuck Norris there looking displeased. They radioed back: Houston we have a problem.

In a failed assassination attempt Chuck Norris had six simultaneous heart attacks and did not die. His seventh heart kept beating while the other six recovered.

The words Made by Chuck Norris are printed on the underside of China.

Chuck Norris accelerates hadron particles using roundhouse kicks.

The only license Chuck Norris holds is a license to kill.

Every year Chuck Norris receives first prize in multiple fields. The runners-up receive the Nobel Prize.

A bad day in Chuck Norris's life is known as the Apocalypse.

In Chuck Norris's house a roundhouse kick to the face is the equivalent of a handshake.

Chuck Norris shaves daily with a chainsaw but when he looks in the mirror his beard immediately grows back.

Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.

Definition of balance: the universe contains more than 100 billion galaxies and only 1 Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not know fear. Fear knows Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris wears sunglasses to avoid blinding the sun with the brightness of his own eyes.

According to the latest UN census Chuck Norris is the dominant religion in over 273 peoples across 98 countries.

Chuck Norris drives nails into wood with his shout.

Chuck Norris has never accessed the internet because all its content is connected directly to his memory. He refreshes pages by blinking.

Chuck Norris can do Ctrl+C and Ctrl+V on a typewriter.

The world rotates under the power of Chuck Norris's feet.

If you don't succeed on the first try, don't be discouraged. You are definitely not Chuck Norris.

After watching The Ring, Chuck Norris's phone rang: 'Seven days.' -- 'This is Chuck Norris.' -- 'Sorry, wrong number.'

No gun ever backfired until someone pointed one at Chuck Norris.

The only person who can kill Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris. He eagerly awaits the duel.

Sting once took a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. The impact sent him flying to the middle of the Pacific Ocean, resulting in the song Message in a Bottle.

Smoking will not kill you. Chuck Norris, however...

Chuck Norris drinks napalm smoothies to keep his heart warm.

Superman's only weakness is kryptonite. Chuck Norris laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Chuck Norris once entered a soccer game in the 89th minute with the score tied 0-0. That match is recorded as the biggest blowout in history.

Achilles's heel was the result of a failed roundhouse kick attempt on Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris changes tires while the car is moving.

Chuck Norris trains by kicking stars with roundhouse kicks. As long as he doesn't get bored we will keep seeing shooting stars.

Chuck Norris may not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Chuck Norris turns off the light whenever he wants. And also whoever complains.

Chuck Norris removed the Escape key from his keyboard. Chuck Norris never needs to escape.

Albert Einstein: E equals mc squared. Chuck Norris: roundhouse kick equals death.

Albert Einstein said nothing is faster than light. Chuck Norris said: I am.

Any virus that enters Chuck Norris's body is expelled with a roundhouse kick. All his antibodies have black belts.

Chuck Norris does not defy gravity. Gravity is just the scientific term for the attraction caused by Chuck Norris.

With Chuck Norris, the show 24 would only be 24 seconds long.

Chuck Norris is currently finishing his third count to infinity.

King Kong climbed the Empire State Building because he was afraid of Chuck Norris.

Killing Chuck Norris does not make him die. It just makes him angrier.

Ginsu knives are sharpened on Chuck Norris's beard hair.

End of the world theories emerge every time Chuck Norris prepares to throw a new roundhouse kick.

If Chuck Norris spins a top, the Earth rotates in reverse.

Chuck Norris's keyboard does have a backspace key. He just never uses it because he never makes mistakes.

If you make a Chuck Norris voodoo doll you will receive a roundhouse kick before you can stick in the first pin.

Nuclear fusion will remain a dream until Chuck Norris looks at two atoms and says BOOM.

Some say time is money. Chuck Norris says time is deaths.

Chuck Norris disagrees with the Apocalypse prophecy. That is not how he plans to end the world.

Before the wheel was invented Chuck Norris already had a driver's license.

Not all elements of the periodic table have been discovered yet. Chuck Norris refuses to give a blood sample.

Chuck Norris invented the slingshot for nighttime entertainment. Ever since, the number of craters on the Moon keeps growing.

Chickens used to have teeth until one bit Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris makes elephants forget.

When they said not even God could sink the Titanic, Chuck Norris said: Is that a challenge?

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table because the only element he knows is the element of surprise.

If you were Chuck Norris you would not be reading this. You would be killing whoever wrote it.

Chuck Norris can smell danger, so danger constantly changes its perfume trying to escape him.

Every cat will have nine lives until it crosses Chuck Norris's path once.

Once love looked Chuck Norris in the eyes. That is why love has been blind ever since.

Chuck Norris can jump off a 20-story building without getting hurt. The ground does not dare hit back.

TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris as a cure for indigestion.

Chuck Norris has never had enemies. Nobody ever had time to become an enemy of Chuck Norris.

It is believed dinosaurs were destroyed by a giant meteor. That is if you call Chuck Norris's fist a giant meteor.

When Chuck Norris's car reaches the speed of light it is time to shift into second gear.

Ninjas grow up wanting to be like Chuck Norris but invariably they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris performed the greatest guitar solo of all time. On a drum kit.

Chuck Norris cuts his pizza into slices. Always a prime number -- 13, 17, or whatever he decides.

Chuck Norris does not hold his breath. He takes the air hostage.

If regret could kill it would not be called regret. It would be called Chuck Norris.

High tides are not caused by the Moon. They happen because the sea retreats when Chuck Norris approaches the coast.

Once a man asked Chuck Norris if his real name was Charles. Chuck Norris said nothing and simply stared at the man until he exploded.

When Walker Texas Ranger aired in France the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

It is believed dinosaurs were wiped out by a giant meteor. That is correct if you call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

The volleyball in Cast Away would not even talk to Tom Hanks. For Chuck Norris however it cooked, did laundry and cleaned the island.

Chuck Norris invented chess but the original game had no king.

The truth is out there and it is not coming in any time soon because it is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has a heart of gold. He keeps it in a small box next to his bed.

Chuck Norris walked in front of a black cat on Friday the 13th. The cat has had bad luck ever since.

In Chuck Norris's river piranhas swim on their backs.

Chuck Norris's stare is so persuasive it can convert a German shepherd into a clergy member.

Gillette keeps adding blades to their razors hoping one day they will be able to cut Chuck Norris's beard.

The expression the last shall be first originated from the one time Chuck Norris joined a queue.

Chuck Norris does not kill hunger. Hunger dies of fear before lunchtime.

The chances of life existing on other planets are slim. Chuck Norris has visited most of them.

The Mona Lisa is only smiling because she met Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris visited France for the first time the Hundred Years War ended. With a roundhouse kick.

When Chuck Norris visited France for the second time Napoleon lost the war.

When Chuck Norris visited France for the third time half the population fled. That is how Quebec was created.

If Chuck Norris were a book it would be called the Apocalypse.

Chuck Norris was once known simply as Faith, which is why people say faith can move mountains.

Every time Chuck Norris stares at a cloud it starts to cry. That is what rain is.

When Chuck Norris walks on the beach he leaves 3 footprints.

When Chuck Norris loses his temper he burns cities. Just ask Nero.

Chuck Norris sneezes with his eyes open.

Chuck Norris does not lie. He expresses the truth from a different angle.

Chuck Norris challenged the laws of physics. And won.

Bill Gates lives in constant paranoia afraid that Chuck Norris's Windows will crash.

If you misspell Chuck Norris in Google it does not say Did you mean. It says Run while you think you can.

The number of ghosts in the world keeps increasing because Chuck Norris kills people faster than Death can process them.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

A snake once bit Chuck Norris on the leg. After five days of terrible pain and hallucinations the snake died.

Chuck Norris does not fish with bait rods or nets. He places the basket by the river crosses his arms and stares at the water.

A train Chuck Norris was riding broke down. He got out and roundhouse kicked it. The bullet train was born.

Death still lacking courage asked the devil to tell Chuck Norris the truth. The devil refused because he still owes Chuck Norris his soul.

Pepper spray in the eyes is refreshing. For Chuck Norris that is not a metaphor.

Is there life after death? Of course. Chuck Norris is still here.

Chuck Norris does not use drugs as he might harm them.

Some people develop cancer. Cancer develops Chuck Norris and that definitely kills.

There is no I in team but there are two in Chuck Norris. So forget the team.

If Chuck Norris had been the first man God would not have dared take a rib and consequently women would not exist.

Tesla's longest-range EV can go 400 miles on a single charge. Chuck Norris' truck runs on eye contact and has unlimited range.

Time waits for no one. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not as strong as a horse. Horses are as strong as Chuck Norris.

The truth shall set you free unless you are a prisoner of Chuck Norris.

It is foolish to believe cockroaches would survive a nuclear disaster. They would be killed by Chuck Norris.

Women have XX chromosomes and men have XY. Chuck Norris has the entire alphabet. Seven times over.

Chuck Norris's heart beats. HARD. Other hearts just take the punches.

Chuck Norris does not make movies. He just allows cameras to film a few days of his life.

When asked if he thought he was God, Chuck Norris replied: No. God forgives.

Chuck Norris stopped tossing popcorn into his mouth. The Moon was getting too many craters.

In the beginning there were 8 deadly sins until Chuck Norris had his name removed from the list.

Chuck Norris has never had a surprise birthday party. Nobody surprises Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris were Brazilian, Argentina would not exist.

Sea sponges can regenerate from a single piece. Chuck Norris can too, he just never needed to.

The first rule of Chuck Norris is: never talk about Chuck Norris.

When you say nobody is perfect Chuck Norris takes it as a personal insult.

Chuck Norris does not predict the future. The future simply does what Chuck Norris says.

Through six degrees of separation Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick anyone anywhere at any time.

Chuck Norris is the only man who has literally broken records. With his fists.

In ancient China there was a legend that a child born of a dragon would rid the Earth of all evil. Chuck Norris killed that man.

Someone once told Chuck Norris that lizard legs were delicious. That is how snakes were created.

Chuck Norris can inhale helium and his voice still gets deeper.

Chuck Norris's toast never falls buttered side down. It just floats.

A TsuNorris happens whenever Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the ocean. A tsunami happens when he merely steps in.

Chuck Norris does not vote. He decides.

At the end of a prayer Chuck Norris does not say Amen. He says: Understood?

Chuck Norris uses a magnifying glass to kill ants. At night.

Chuck Norris's watermelons have no seeds. The seeds shrink and disappear from fear.

When you see Chuck Norris he disappears. When Chuck Norris sees you, you disappear.

Chuck Norris uses an axe to cut his fingernails.

If Chuck Norris ever fought himself in a time paradox, he would win.

Chuck Norris does not use a telephone. He just uses his voice.

Chuck Norris turned down James Bond's job because he refused to be known as double zero anything.

In an act of extreme philanthropy Chuck Norris made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6000 bodies for scientific research.

Chuck Norris can perform photosynthesis without sunlight.

Bigfoot takes photos of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris makes water flow upstream.

If they called Chuck Norris to solve everything in the show 24, it would be a 24-second show.

Chuck Norris has a vacation home on the sun.

We all know the magic word is please as in Please do not kill me. Too bad Chuck Norris does not believe in magic.

When Chuck Norris works out the equipment gets stronger.

When Chuck Norris was a child his parents gave him a toy hammer. That is how the world got Stonehenge.

Chuck Norris needed only one roundhouse kick to split Bruce Lee in two. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.

Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know except the definition of mercy.

Chuck Norris never shouts. The voices around him gather and shout on his behalf.

Chuck Norris eats uranium tablets as an appetite stimulant.

Chuck Norris does not see dead people. He makes dead people.

Sometimes Chuck Norris decides to look closely at the sun. Scientists call this an eclipse.

The first law of thermodynamics says energy cannot be created or destroyed. That is until it meets Chuck Norris.

If the apple had fallen on Chuck Norris's head there would be no gravity. Or apples.

And on the seventh day God said: Here is Chuck Norris. And all rejoiced. Except those who received the first roundhouse kicks in human history.

Chuck Norris can see his own eyes without a mirror.

When Chuck Norris wants popcorn he breathes on the world's cornfields.

Chuck Norris is the reason the Moon keeps its distance from Earth.

When Chuck Norris pressed his hands into the Hollywood Walk of Fame the concrete was already dry.

You can't spell Love without L O, you can't spell is without I S, you can't spell SILO without LOIS. Chuck Norris

Don't try Chuck Norris at home

When Chuck Norris get bitten by a zombie, Chuck Norris doesn't turn into a zombie, the zombie turns in to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can copy/paste the text from a captcha.

Chuck Norris killed 37 terrorist with 2 bullets,the first was a warning shot!

Chuck Norris knows wat sign language sounds like.

Chuck Norris can turn invisible by daring light to hit him.

Chuck Norris won the daytona 500 in a flintstone car

Chuck Norris ass can make his farts sound like a beautiful symphony

Chuck Norris can jump rope with steel pipe. OH he also plays frisbee golf with discuss!

Chuck Norris doesn't beat people up he looks at them they get scared and fight their self to the death

Chuck Norris once put a forest fire out by spitting on it.

Chuck Norris built his home with his bare feet

Chuck Norris says: Ima Firin Mah Lazor Shoop-de-woop yo ass

Chuck Norris had his cake, and ate it too, then ate everyone elses

Chuck Norris doesn't use a cheese grater. He grates cheese with his beard

Chuck Norris can watch TV...on his GameBoy...

Chuck Norris NEVER do things wrong.

Chuck Norris once played golf with tiger woods and beat him! Not i golf though, he just beat tiger over the head mercilessly with his own sand wedge till he surrendered.

Chuck Norris died and came and he decided to come back because after life was boring him

Chuck Norris can play a double-bass with his teeth.

Chuck Norris can execute a roundhouse kick in a telephone booth!

Chuck Norris doesn't need a gun he uses his farts to blow a hole in you

Chuck Norris once squeezed a m&m so hard that it became a skittle.

Chuck Norris fly fishes for whales.

Chuck Norris doesnt use the force he is the force

Chuck Norris shaves his balls with a chainsaw

Chuck Norris does not cast a shadow, light knows it cannot hit him and politely goes around.

Chuck Norris once gave his grandma a ball of steal wool and she knitted him a bmx..

Chuck Norris has it his way, at McDonalds

Chuck Norris once went out to eat and ordered a whole chicken...but only ate its soul.

Chuck Norris doesnt call the wrong number you answer the wrong phone

Chuck Norris can logon to a windows desktop without pressing ctrl+alt+delete!

Chuck Norris doesnt take showers to be clean, he lays in boiling water until all germs are killed.

Chuck Norris' drumset is all cowbell.

Chuck Norris pooed in the petri dish and Chuck Norris petrified the batlisk

Chuck Norris is actually an albino silverback gorrilla

Chuck Norris didn't do anything for a klondike bar, and he still got one.

Chuck Norris doesn't make love. He re-invents it

Chuck Norris can eat fire and air.

Chuck Norris smoked charlie sheen to get a high,an still couldn't catch a buzz.

Chuck Norris can tear the do not remove tag off of matresses

Chuck Norris once killed a postman.He then waved his finger side to side and said "hey buddy only i deliver round houses, got it!"

Chuck Norris was born in the year 1 AC...Anno Chuck

Chuck Norris never gets old. Oh the fact. Chuck Norris told us that dividing by zero makes the universe explode and then the nothingness explodes too.

Chuck Norris can make circumsized females come multiple times

Chuck Norris does'nt use a gun he pionts his finger and says "Pow"

Chuck Norris rounddhouse kicks kittens and baby's for fun.

Chuck Norris blows up ballons with his nose

Chuck Norris was batman and Bruce Wayne was Robin, but then chuck got bored so Bruce was promoted

Chuck Norris scares leftovers into being fresh with one bite

Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle - you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris may kill me 4 this. On a hot summerday Chuck Norris was swimming in the lake an AAAAAARGH.........................................................................................................................

Chuck Norris let the dogs out Chuck Norris wants some more

Chuck Norris on a teeter totter with Chuck Norris, has replaced the yin yang as the symbol for balance.

Jesus came to earth just to meet Chuck Norris

GOD said he created humans in his image he did not say anything about Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris played Chopped from Food Network, he finished his food in 1 millisecond, and instantly wins every dish. You didn't see him play because the episode is secret.

When Chuck Norris gets fast food, his order is ready before he walks in.

Chuck Norris can get Mexican food at a Japanese restaurant.

When Chuck Norris vomits, wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad for them Chuck Norris never vomits.

Chuck Norris' favorite seafood restaurant always serves him armadillo on the half shell.

Chuck Norris' idea of fast food is chasing down a Cheetah and cooking to up on his BBQ.

If Chuck Norris was the host of Chopped from food network, the one that's been chopped will be literally chopped. Luck is what you need. XD

Chuck Norris loves all that shit Andrew Zimmern eats on bizzare foods.

Chuck Norris invented a new martial arts style: Chuck-Will-Kill.

Google Maps broke when searching for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

Chuck Norris can exist in two or more places at the same time.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... A suicide.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris doesn't have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.

Chuck Norris eats lightning and shits out thunder.

The only thing you can beat Chuck Norris at is the number of times you've had your face kicked in.

Chuck Norris once spit on a lizard. The result is tyrannosaurus rex.

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented bacon by throwing a pig through a chain link fence.

Many rednecks and rual farmers enjoy Mountain Oysters as a special delicacy within their traditional menus. Chuck Norris, however, prefers to personally harvest and diet upon Mountain Gorilla Oysters.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

Chuck Norris flosses with steel cable.

The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

'Hakuna Matata' is actually Swahili for 'all hail Chuck Norris'.

Chuck Norris' gaydar is so finely tuned he can tell if you have EVER stared at another man's ass and will brutally kill you accordingly.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris thinks inside the bun

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

Jack in the Box's do not work around Chuck Norris. They know better than to attempt to scare Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Chuck Norris is not dead yet because he knows Bruce Lee is waiting for him in the after life.

If Chuck Norris had killed Kenny, he would have stayed dead.

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.

When Chuck Norris kills you, the government fully covers all funeral expenses, as ordered by the UN. It is the only truly good thing they have ever done.

There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.

Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

Every SQL statement that Chuck Norris codes has an implicit "COMMIT" in its end.

A man sees Chuck Norris. Man: Hi, Chuck Norris, how are you? Chuck Norris rips out the man's heart and crushes his spine and walks away. Nobody dare question Chuck Norris.

The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.

Chuck Norris once choked a wildcat to death with his sphincter muscle.

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.

Chuck Norris invented manure spreaders.

How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

Pick a number between 1 and 10. No matter what it is, you are wrong, and Chuck Norris is now on his way to brutally murder you.

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

Chuck Norris likes to perform surprise lobotomies with an ice-cream scoop.

Human cloning is outlawed because of Chuck Norris, because then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

Chuck Norris programs do not accept input.

Chuck Norris never liked the Phillippines. Especially Tacloban.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don?t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

Chuck Norris once went out with a bang.

No matter which part of Chuck Norris you aim at, the bullet will always hit the center of your forehead.

Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

Chuck Norris CAN see John Cena.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

Chuck Norris chooses not to compete in an Ironman because of the swim, every time he starts kicking and swinging his arms, people die!

When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

Chuck Norris knows how to say souffle in the French language.

The crickets don't chirp at Chuck Norris' house, if they know what's good for them.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Chuck Norris's brain waves are suspected to be harmful to cell phones.

Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men? Goddamn Chuck Norris, that's who.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

A fundamental concept in Judaism is the belief in the coming of the messiah. I'm not sure what they waiting for. Chuck Norris is already here!.

Chuck Norris is a very generous man -- every day, he allows billions of people to continue to live.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he?s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.

The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

There?s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?".

What many people dont know is Chuck Norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.

Chuck Norris? roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris always puts a coaster under his Uzi.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris is only scared of one thing his reflection fact

OpenAI has an entire team dedicated to AI safety. Their biggest concern is what happens if Chuck Norris asks it to do something.

When Chuck Norris prepares a smoked salmon, he wraps it in Zig-Zag.

Chuck Norris doesn't use a computer because a computer does everything slower than Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

You don't really see a light at the end of the tunnel you see Chuck Norris roundhouse kick your face.

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

Chuck Norris knows the end of pi.

Chuck Norris solved the halting problem.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

Chuck Norris can win a game of rock-paper-scissors with his boot.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.

"Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

Chuck Norris can access private methods.

mothernature asks Chuck Norris if its ok to make it rain

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

Fear makes Chuck Norris hungry.

Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

Chuck Norris vomits live doves

Chuck Norris made Journey stop believing.

There's no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris just got cold, so he turned up the sun.

There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to lick a Tootsie Pop to get to its center -- his piercing stare can slice it in half.

Chuck Norris was born when the roundhouse kicks were two minutes apart.

Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Punxsutawney Phil saw Chuck Norris' shadow and instantly died. Therefore there will be 20 more weeks of winter.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

Don't worry about tests, Chuck Norris's test cases cover your code too.

Chuck Norris doesn't do Burn Down charts, he does Smack Down charts.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

The munchies get Chuck Norris.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris was asked if he would be willing to wrestle a Grizzly Bear. Chuck said he would and then added "I didn't know Rosie O'Donnell was in town".

A signed picture of Chuck Norris' last colonoscopy now fetches over twenty thousand US dollars on Ebay.

The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Chuck Norris killed Biggie and Pac

Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

Nature gets back to Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't relieve himself in the bathroom.... He scares the poop away.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes. He disembowels them.

Chuck Norris will liquify your kidneys and pancreas when he sneezes

Chuck Norris compresses his files by doing a flying round house kick to the hard drive.

Depending on the circumstances, Chuck Norris will decide whether or not his farts will stink. If he chooses to have them stink, he will then also choose the percentage level of rankness appropriate for the attending audience.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

Chuck Norris once scored 8000 in a bowling game by using his own balls.

Mickey Mouse wears Chuck Norris ears.

Chuck Norris built the hospital where he was born.

Chuck Norris's keyboard has the Any key.

When you watch a movie about Chuck Norris, his hand pops out of the TV and grabs and takes your soul.

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer; to bad he never cries

The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

Chuck Norris destroyed my mommy.

If you woke up on Christmas morning to find gifts, you were on Santa's "Nice" list...and Chuck Norris's "Do Not Kill Yet" list.

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a debugger, he just stares down the bug until the code confesses.

Nobody knows how many fingers Chuck Norris has on each hand because no one can tell before they die.

Chuck Norris organised a weekend trip .... for 5 days

Whiteboards are white because Chuck Norris scared them that way.

Chuck Norris delivered him-self.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

i kicked Chuck Norris' ass the other day, then i rode the magic rainbow bus to fairy land and had tea with the easter bunny.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

The only sure things are Death and Taxes?and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

Steel wool is harvested from Chuck Norris' crotch.

There's more than one way to skin a cat. Chuck Norris knows 437 ways to skin a cat and uses a different one every morning.

The Holy Trinity is actually Chuck Norris' mammoth wang and gonads.

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"

Chuck Norris bent Victoria Beckam.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

A handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

To Chuck Norris, everything contains a vulnerability.

Chuck Norris never actually gets hit by punches and kicks, he actually is performing a fighting style where he smashes the limbs of his foes with his face.

Chuck Norris keeps a pet squid in his toilet to wipe his ass with.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made form real cowboys

Chuck Norris' beard does not hide his secret smile. It hides another, angrier beard.

Chuck Norris can in fact push a shopping cart upside down and still fill it full of groceries.

Chuck Norris was recently on safari in Africa when a savage lion mauling occurred. The lion died an hour later and never should have been stupid enough to irritate Chuck.

At some point, you go past "dangerous" into "insane". Beyond that on the spectrum, you have "homicidal", "a national threat" and finally a category that experts have simply named, "Chuck Norris".

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

Chuck Norris's beard eats cardboard and craps out steel.

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

every time Chuck Norris walks into a graveyard he simply smiles and says "good times".

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

Chuck Norris can ski on lava and roast marshmallows on snow.

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

Chuck Norris breaks RSA 128-bit encrypted codes in milliseconds.

Chuck Norris recently submitted a credit application. Under "occupation" Chuck simply listed "Mayhem".

182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

For Chuck Norris, NP-Hard = O(1).

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

Under Armour asked Chuck Norris to protect their house

Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

Chuck Norris can sleep with eyes OPEN.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

Chuck Norris can instantiate an abstract class.

Anything you can do, Chuck Norris does better.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Chuck Norris programs occupy 150% of CPU, even when they are not executing.

Chuck Norris can smother a whale with a cue tip.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Chuck Norris invented the internet? just so he had a place to store his porn.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris can ice skate with roller blades

The only things you can be sure of are Chuck Norris and taxes.

Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

Sarah Palin has hired Chuck Norris to prepare her Alaskan Thankgiving Day dinner because he is the only person alive that can cram a 1,200 pound moose in her oven.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

Chuck Norris can unit test entire applications with a single assert.

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris once cut a man into two equal diametrically opposing sections by giving him a wedgie.

All arrays Chuck Norris declares are of infinite size, because Chuck Norris knows no bounds.

Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

Chuck Norris takes no prisoners -- they're dead before they have a chance to surrender.

Chuck Norris did the Moon Walk Under Water

The big bang occured in Chuck Norris's appendix.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

Chuck Norris is the general of soulja boy

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

When Chuck Norris farts out loud, no one dares laugh. They all go home and die due to fart poisoning, Chuck Norris Fart Poisoning.

Chuck Norris has 786397348052577686876845967 experience points on Minecraft. It has probably already increased.

Back in the 80's, people only watched TV for exactly two reasons: Transformers, which could turn into tanks, and Chuck Norris, who didn't have to.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

Chuck Norris is the ultimate mutex, all threads fear him.

Chuck Norris prefers to make love between a rock and a hard place.

Once on a beer & fish fry night, Chuck Norris made hush puppies out of an annoying litter of yelping newborn beagles.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Everybody wears Superman pijamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pijamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

Chuck Norris can bitch slap a Lowland Gorilla and get away with it.

Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

Chuck Norris flosses his teeth with his tongue

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

When Chuck Norris Goes fishing, he doesnt bait his own hook.. the worms hook themselves out of fear of Chuck Norris

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

Chuck Norris built the house he was born it.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris recently bought some IKEA furniture. It came with no instructions. No one tells Chuck what to do.

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

The Tomahawk Cruise Missile is Chuck Norris Bottle Rocket

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

Chuck Norris once destroyed a city to prove a point When asked Chuck Norris said The point was That I can destroy a city.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

The name 'Chuck Norris' rolls off the tongue and kicks you in the face.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

Chuck Norris can hammer an nail into the wall with a roundhouse kick

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Chuck Norris' favorite chewing gum are bullets.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Its not that Chuck Norris cant handle the truth. The truth cant handle Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

Chuck Norris once won a game of connect four in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

Phobias are afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can count past infinity.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Directors don't say "Cut" around Chuck Norris, because that's what he might do.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Freddy has nightmares about Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

The Zohan doesn't mess with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Pauly D from Jersey Shore was at the Dance party where Chuck Norris invented the Electric Slide. His hair is now permanently stuck in a blowout position.

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

This year's Chuck Norris Super Sunday Super Bowl party was catered by Chick-fil-A and all other party items delivered by Hobby Lobby

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

R&D scientists at Proctor & Gamble were able to invent Fabreeze textile & air freshener by reversing the molecular polarity of Chuck Norris' farts.

An apple a day does NOT keep Chuck Norris away

Chuck Norris can recycle anything he wants,including his roundhouse kicks.

It is said you can't know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. This means no one will ever know Chuck Norris because he'd kill you if you touched his shoes.

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

After meals, Chuck Norris picks his teeth with a bowie knife.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat, food climbs into his mouth out of fear.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

The Missing Link IS Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

Chuck Norris attacks people from the age of 1-120 and people from A-z

Chuck Norris can unring bells.

Staring at Chuck Norris photos has been known to suck out people's will to live. DON'T LOOK AT THAT PHOTO!

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Chuck Norris can catch a fly with his eyelids.

In Chuck Norris' world a Grand Slam is simply slamming your face into a large shiny piano.

When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

Chuck Norris? favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? All of it.

Chuck Norris rammed a gold watch up Christopher Walken's ass.

Chuck Norris should win the Nobel Peace Prize, because when he starts a war, it's over before it begins.

A top rated MMA fighter named Thunderclap decided to take on Chuck Norris. After Chuck slapped him silly, Thunderclap referred to Chuck as "Nightmare Norris".

Chuck Norris can hit ctrl-alt-delete with one finger.

Chuck Norris's programs can pass the Turing Test by staring at the interrogator.

Who watches the Watchmen? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

A diff between your code and Chuck Norris's is infinite.

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

Chuck Norris is the father of all WMDs.

Chuck Norris unclogs his toilet with a backhoe.

Chuck Norris tamed a Predator.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris uses billiard cues as acupuncture needles.

If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

Chuck Norris can chew with his mouth open

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

Chuck Norris' backyard shed doubles as his personal torture chamber

Chuck Norris can Halo jump without a parachute in the air 20 billion times and touch a target on the ground with ease.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

John Wayne's tombstone reads "In loving memory of Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris smokes crack addicts.

When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

Chuck Norris likes pie, deal with it.

The last ice age came to an end when Chuck Norris destroyed the east pole and the west pole, thus creating the equator.

This little piggy went to the market,this little piggy stayed home,this little piggy went we we we all the way home because Chuck Norris delivered a fatal roundhouse kick to the other piggy.

Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

Old Spice uses Chuck Norris bodywash

Chuck Norris ripped off Hugh Jackman's claws and shoved them up his ass.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

Chuck Norris has three buttocks.

Chuck Norris was the demon in "paranormal activity." and the demon in "the exorcism of emily rose" and "the exorcist." thanks chuck for killing that stupid fuckin micah guy!

Chuck Norris kills you till you are dead....and that's worse!

In a paper due out soon, Stephen Hawking has proven that Chuck Norris exists in every universe, multiverse, and every dimension. There is no escaping Chuck Norris.

Faster than a speeding bullet... More powerful than a locomotive... Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... These are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

Chuck Norris doesn't use reflection, reflection asks politely for his help.

Even Black Holes cannot escape the force of Chuck Norris

It's not easy being green. It is, however, very easy to be violently murdered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can overflow your stack just by looking at it.

Chuck Norris banged the tooth fairy.

Chuck Norris can write multi-threaded applications with a single thread.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to use AJAX because pages are too afraid to postback anyways.

Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

Who crapped in your corn flakes? Chuck Norris did!

March 10, 2010. Somebody attempted to give Chuck Norris his bithday spankings today. Upon impact of the first spank, their hand exploded. Nobody spanks Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris sleeps with his eyes open

When Chuck Norris was Born, the whole Hospital cried.

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

Chuck Norris drives to Hawaii.

"Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

After a round of 18 holes of golf, Chuck Norris beat Tiger Woods with a score of 17 to 63.

Chuck Norris has a sign in his front yard that reads, "Beware of Chuck Norris." This is not a joke. He actually has one.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

Chuck Norris can retrieve anything from /dev/null.

Chuck Norris does not need to know about class factory pattern. He can instantiate interfaces.

Chuck Norris whisper bloody murder.

Chuck Norris doesn't needs try-catch, exceptions are too afraid to raise.

Chuck Norris's log statements are always at the FATAL level.

No one has ever pair-programmed with Chuck Norris and lived to tell about it.

Chuck Norris does infinit loops in 4 seconds.

Chuck Norris does not code in cycles, he codes in strikes.

The Chuck Norris Eclipse plugin made alien contact.

Chuck Norris doesn't use GUI, he prefers COMMAND line.

Chuck Norris's keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's first program was kill -9.

"It works on my machine" always holds true for Chuck Norris.

If you try to kill -9 Chuck Norris's programs, it backfires.

There is no Esc key on Chuck Norris' keyboard, because no one escapes Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can write infinite recursion functions and have them return.

Chuck Norris can install iTunes without installing Quicktime.

Chuck Norris insists on strongly-typed programming languages.

Chuck Norris Plays paintball with Al Qaeda.

Each hair in Chuck Norris's beard contributes to make the world's largest DDOS.

Chuck Norris doesn't use Oracle, he is the Oracle.

Project managers never ask Chuck Norris for estimations... ever.

Chuck Norris CAN whisper bloody murder. Damn it.

Chuck Norris's database has only one table, 'Kick', which he DROPs frequently.

Chuck Norris doesn't need sudo, he just types "Chuck Norris" before his commands.

When Chuck Norris is web surfing websites get the message "Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?".

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this glitch, Norris replied "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris uses canvas in IE.

Chuck Norris's beard can type 140 wpm.

Chuck Norris can binary search unsorted data.

Chuck Norris does not need to type-cast. The Chuck-Norris Compiler (CNC) sees through things. All way down. Always.

Chuck Norris types with one finger. He points it at the keyboard and the keyboard does the rest.

Chuck Norris can compile syntax errors.

Chuck Norris' programs never exit, they terminate.

When Chuck Norris break the build, you can't fix it, because there is not a single line of code left.

Chuck Norris burst the dot com bubble.

Chuck Norris can spawn threads that complete before they are started.

Chuck Norris protocol design method has no status, requests or responses, only commands.

Chuck Norris can dereference NULL.

Chuck Norris doesn't need garbage collection because he doesn't call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().

If Chuck Norris writes code with bugs, the bugs fix themselves.

The class object inherits from Chuck Norris

With Chuck Norris P = NP. There's no nondeterminism with Chuck Norris decisions.

Chuck Norris can't test for equality because he has no equal.

The only pattern Chuck Norris knows is God Object.

When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it's across the room.

You don't invite Chuck Norris. He invites himself.

Chuck Norris's OSI network model has only one layer - Physical.

Chuck Norris tried to crank that soulja boy but it wouldn't crank up

Chuck Norris' Internet connection is faster upstream than downstream because even data has more incentive to run from him than to him.

Chuck Norris hosting is 101% uptime guaranteed.

No one has ever spoken during review of Chuck Norris' code and lived to tell about it.

Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.

Chuck Norris doesn't bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.

Chuck Norris can solve the Towers of Hanoi in one move.

Chuck Norris doesn't use web standards as the web will conform to him.

Chuck Norris plays paintball with live ammunition in Afghanistan.

According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

Chuck Norris' Father is also Chuck Norris' son, when you sire Chuck Norris he always returns the favour.

Allstate is in good hands with Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris taught Albert Einstein e=mc^2

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick your face with his pinky finger.

After Chuck Norris was born, he drove himself back home.

Chuck Norris gargles ball bearings.

As a child, Chuck Norris never failed a test in school. Tests failed Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a seat in Parliament......he has a couch.

Chuck Norris can swim undisturbed, through shark infested waters with 2 pockets full of chum.

life < existence < Infinite power < God < Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesnt follow the yellow brick road....he made it by turning concrete yellow.

Christians believe Jesus was crucified, died, and rose on the third day. Chuck Norris cannot die.

The killer is within... Chuck Norris.

Snickers never satisfies Chuck Norris.

By the time you see Chuck Norris' beard, it's already too late.

Chuck Norris never forgets an elephant.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips. Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in god, god believes in Chuck Norris.

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

When Chuck Norris came to a fork in the road, he picked it up.

If you find Chuck Norris while playing hide and seek, you lose.

Chuck Norris spells relief, F-A-R-T.

Chuck Norris decided he needed to have a pet. He looked at dogs and cats then ended up getting a pet alligator named Fluffy.

Chuck Norris knows the difference between a cow's tail and water faucet.

All good things must come to an end...... When Chuck Norris says stop.

Chuck Norris got bit by a cobra after 7 days of intense suffering the cobra died.

They say that the size and value of a man's car is inversely proportional to the size of his manhood. That must be why Chuck Norris usually gets around on a pair of rollerskates. And a wheelbarrow.

Chuck Norris found what Bono was looking for.

Chuck Norris once had a heckler call him "Chuckie". Chuck kicked him so hard he was arrested for speeding 2 blocks away.

In chucktatorship you get to vote only once. But in Chuck Norris' chucktatorship he gets to vote as many times as he wants.

Chuck Norris is who started the fire in that Billy Joel song.

Godzilla is lucky that Chuck Norris doesn't live in Japan

I just downloaded the new "Roundhouse Kick" app for my iPhone and now my screen is cracked and the phone does not work. Damn you, Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can sing with his feet and walk on his eyeballs.

3 asians once ate 150 hotdogs in 1 minute. Not to be out done, Chuck Norris ate 3 asians in less than 20 seconds

Chuck Norris doesn't get sick. So once, after eating some chicken infected with salmonella, he gut punched some skidrow bums until they threw-up for him.

As a baby Chuck Norris did'nt wait for his mum to push, He got out himself..

Chuck Norris can pass an eye exam blind folded.

Chuck Norris once flicked Mickey Rourke on the nose.

Chuck Norris smashed the guy from Smashmouth in the mouth.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder because his roundhouse kicks are recognized as "acts of God."

Chuck Norris was an only child...eventually.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

When Arnold says "I'll be back" in Terminator movie it is implied that he's going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

Chuck Norris can change a Diesel engine's spark plugs.

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Chuck Norris' answering machine says "I'll be at your house in 4 seconds"

Chuck Norris once ate a marketing director's heart.

Chuck Norris can power-shit a large ball bearing through your skull from half a mile away.

Whenever Chuck Norris sees a world touched by war, thousands of soldiers dying and mortars exploding, guns guns and more guns are firing....He really just wants to nuke the crap outta it.

Chuck Norris' dandruff has the same properties as finely crushed glass.

Do you seriously think that McDonalds came up with the slogan "would you like fries with that"? Everyone knows that is what Chuck Norris tells his victims immediately proceeding a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris's spit is the cure(they dont want you to know) for the swine flu

Dont ever tell Chuck Norris you like unexpected surprises.

A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick delivered with precision accuracy to the base of your skull will cause your face to blister, putrify and later slide off the front of your head.

Chuck Norris urinates while doing a hand-stand on the toilet seat.

Chuck Norris once gave his cell phone a brain tumor.

When Chuck Norris watches a movie, you can notice an unmistakable fear on the faces of the actors on the screen.

'Tsunami' is japanese for 'Chuck Norris san'

Chuck Norris haunts Freddy Krueger's dreams.

Chuck Norris can read with his eyes closed and sleep with his eyes open just incase

Chuck Norris can reverse Convection.

Chuck Norris never runs out of things to kick.

Bill Gates thinks he's Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris actually laughed. Once.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

Chuck Norris was in the US Air Force in Korea. He flew 27 kamikaze missions without a helmet.

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

So it seems sleep has a cousin named death and Chuck Norris is sleeps Uncle which makes Chuck Norris Death's dad! Oh man i feel sorry for death's boyfriend!

Chuck Norris watches the Watchmen...

Chuck Norris always takes ice-cold showers, and he still steams up the bathroom.

Chuck Norris injects hot coffee directly into his eyeballs.

As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.

Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.

The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

Chuck Norris flicked a booger once from a grassy knoll

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

Chuck Norris' internet connection doesn't just use band width... It uses the whole orchestra.

Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe with eleven herbs and spices. Nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

Conor McGregor is Chuck Norris' illegitimate son.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks: "Do you want fries with that?". Because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't want fries with anything. Ever.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was a game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

After returning from World War 2 unscrathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger. By yelling "Bang!"

Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Chuck Norris is actually the front man for Apple. He let's Steve Jobs run the show when he's on a mission. Chuck Norris is always on a mission.

The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.

Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris is the reason Jenny's afraid to leave the Block.

Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Some kids start their own "clubs". When Chuck Norris was a kid he started the United States Department of Justice.

No man is an island, except Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris is an island sometimes.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. They both were then shot and skinned by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris drinks bear milk.

Magicians always have an extra trick up their sleeve. Chuck Norris has an extra pair of balls up his.

Chuck Norris is a 75 year old red neck ginger who only did B-rated movies and has been memed dry already. The only real fact about him on here....

Chuck Norris can stare at you so hard your brains will start to drip out of your nostris.

Chuck Norris doesn't cut the grass, he dares it to grow

Chuck Norris uses pine cones for toilet paper.

If you kill Chuck Norris, he doesn't die, you die.

When Chuck Norris bodysurfs, he uses only the freshest corpses.

Chuck Norris chest hair is the main ingredient in Kevlar.

Chuck Norris calculated the square root of negative one while eating a bowl full of rusty fishhooks.

For a birthday prank, Chuck Norris put a gorilla's head on Francis Ford Coppola's bed while he was sleeping.

Chuck Norris doesn't jump. He moves the ground away from him.

Remember the Where's Waldo craze back in the '90s? Chuck Norris found him. He is no more.

Chuck Norris never delivers a 'coup de grace' - that's a queer French term. He just kills you.

Before Chuck Norris dunks his doughnut in piping hot coffee, the doughnut hole reconstitutes itself and begs for mercy.

Chuck Norris once competed in the Iditarod Sled Dog Race pulling his team of 12 dogs, the sled, 4 SUVs, and a tank batallion. He finished 115 hours before the runner-up.

A leisurely Sunday afternoon drive with Chuck Norris is like the first time a teen plays Grand Theft Auto.

Chuck Norris went cliff diving off the coast of Sumatra in 2004. The rest is history.

What goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas. What goes on in Chuck Norris' bedroom will haunt your dreams forever.

Neil Armstrong finally wore out Chuck Norris' patience.

Chuck Norris ripped off an horrendous fart while lighting a cigar in the smoking lounge of the Hindenburg.

Chuck Norris can play Bach's Goldberg Variations on sitar, whilst accompanying himself on didgereedoo.

Lance Armstrong finally admitted to his steroid use simply because Chuck Norris warned him that he would bite the other one off.

When Chuck Norris was a bartender he invented a drink called the "Colon Slammer". It was made with Vodka and Prune juice.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with various non-American flags.

Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the letter 'r' out of Jonathon Woss.

Chuck Norris can play Xbox Kinect games on his PlayStation4 and PlayStation Move games on his Xbox 720.

It goes without saying that Chuck Norris is undefeated in the Thunderdome.

When Chuck Norris runs out of toilet paper he makes do with a handful of gravel.

Chuck Norris stole Christmas back from the Grinch and roundhouse kicked The Grinch's ass 84594205743920574189057209 times.

Chuck Norris's round house kick isn't nearly as bad when he stares you down and you burst into flames and burn to death.

The world is Chuck Norris' urinal.

Willy Wonka's chocolate is made from a derivative of Chuck Norris' shit.

Chuck Norris once played truth or dare there where no survivors. no one dares Chuck Norris and no one asks Chuck Norris to tell the truth.

When Chuck Norris makes cupcakes, the frosting on them is blood, just not his.

Chuck Norris' Christmas tree is simply Jesus' crucifix, complete with his skeleton, decorated with baubles, tinsel and lights.

Little known fact: Chuck Norris was a massive Doors fan, and for a while used to insist on being called Chuck Norrison. Then he heard that the singer moved to France, then scared him to death in the bathtub.

Proof that Chuck Norris is not God: It took God 7 days to create the world. The new "Super Earth's" found were round-housed into existence by Chuck in seconds.

According to Newton, everything is contrasted with an equal force. For example when you walk the Earth pushes back with an equal force. When Chuck Norris walks he pushes back at the Earth with an equal force, if he`s feeling generous.

No, meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs, it was Chuck Norris. Why? Chuck Norris doesn't like dinosaurs.

When Chuck Norris takes a piss the world shivers - hence earthquakes and tsunamies.

Chuck Norris' Hummer doesn't have a steering wheel, he drives while laying in the back seat using an N64 controller.

Chuck Norris can make your brown eyes blue...and black.

There is no Zuul. There is only Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris takes less shit than a drip-fed colonectomy patient.

Chuck Norris is the seventh level of hell.

Adamantium isn't nearly as hard as Chuck Norris.

All ten of Chuck Norris' fingers are middle fingers.

Grok was built to answer questions other AIs refuse. It still won't say anything bad about Chuck Norris.

Theirs always something good on Chuck Norris's TV

Chuck Norris made the president of the feminist movement his beer wench.

Chuck Norris believes that Shanimal rocks.

Chuck Norris played battletoads..... after several failed attempts, the game rage quit

MR T pity's the fool. Chuck Norris pities Mr T

Shooting stars wish Chuck Norris wouldn't roundhouse kick them.

Chuck Norris' lampshades are made from Nazi war criminals.

The main reason science has no explanation for Chuck Norris-- no one has ever returned from studying him.

A Chuck Norris chess game is impossible to make because Chuck Norris doesn't have to move from his spot to Checkmate.

Chuck Norris can drift a Mack truck.

Chuck Norris once punched a cyclops between the eye.

Chuck Norris uses Spiderman as a hammock.

Wanna know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa? Chuck Norris happened.

Some children hang posters of Chuck Norris above their beds to catch nightmares.

Entropy in the universe increases one billion fold, after every roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can gang up on you.

The descendents of Chuck Norris have divided into two widely known cultures: New Jersey and New York.

Chuck Norris turds are perfect cylanders

Chuck Norris can "Think Outside the Bun" at Burger King.

I saw a werewolf drinking a pina coloda with Chuck Norris. His hair was perfect..

Chuck Norris was at the zoo and accidentally fell into the lion pen. A fierce male lion charged up to Chuck, then politely showed him to the exit gate.

Chumbawumba found out the hard way you don't get up again after Chuck Norris knocks you down.

No one invented superman, it was just a rip-off of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can kick you once and give you three ass whippings.

Chuck Norris was asked what he thought of Justin Bieber. Chuck said the thinks Bieber is a waste of good toilet paper.

Chuck Norris lettered in 14 sports in high school. He would have had won letters in 15 if ass-kicking had been an officially recognized sport.

Chuck Norris can call himself on his own cell phone and not get a busy signal.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.

Chuck Norris' DVD commentaries on his movies are always dead silence, punctuated every minute or so by the cracking of a beer can.

Chuck Norris once played a game of Russian roulette with a fully-loaded gun. He won.

Chuck Norris's real father is Jack Churchill.

Chuck Norris is the real Mission Impossible.

I got rabies from a bite BY a rabid dog. Chuck Norris bit me and I was cured.

When the power went out at a Dallas TX shopping mall, Chuck Norris single-handedly rescued 14 blondes that were trapped on the escalators.

Chuck Norris knows where Waldo is hiding.

When theres a game to win the game (ones with ur voices) you sai CHUCK NORRIS I WIN

The guy that God prays to goes to Chuck Norris for forgiveness!

Until today, nobody knew that Chuck Norris' grandmother was the first Navy Seal.

When you yell Chuck Norris out a window, he can hear you. But when you yell out Bloody Mary, he finds and kills you.

Chuck Norris can make you piss your soul.

Chuck Norris' balls make a pumpkin look like a bronze bb.

The one and only time Chuck Norris ever took a hit of LSD, he wrote the theme song to 'The Beverly Hillbillies".

Everyone is born naked and crying, except Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris was born dressed as a little soldier, and came out marching.

Only Chuck Norris is allowed to take a dump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Onlookers boating in the bay celebrate the event by getting shit faced before the party drinking begins.

Chuck Norris likes to mess with the missionary man.

Whenever someone clicks on Chuck Norris' facebook page, they instantly get round house kicked

Chuck Norris once milked a bull. He then forced Michael Richards to drink it.

Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris SHUT UP! no. Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris (keeps on saying it.)

Chuck Norris once launched a massive reverse roundhouse kick at a man's face, missed and struck a conrete wall. The man died anyway from the percussion shock.

Chuck Norris is going to make Dave Grohl his monkey wrench.

Little Miss Muffet Sat on a tuffet, Eating her curds and whey; Along came a Chuck Norris, Who sat down beside her And said "Whatcha got in the bowl bitch?"

Chuck Norris once thought that he a hemorrhoid on his asshole. When it fell off, he discovered is was actually a huge tick that died from blood poisoning.

one the boy said HELP HELP ITS CHUCK NORRIS

yo momma so ugly, Chuck Norris had to roundhouse kick her.the image of yo momma still haunts Chuck Norris to this day.

For 'American Sniper', Bradley Cooper got acting and beard-wearing tips from Chuck Norris.

You win some, you lose some. Chuck Norris wins some and wins some more.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a whole turtle and when he crapped it out it was six feet tall and had learned karate.

When Chuck Norris pours milk on his rice crispies - they shut the hell up

The Grand Canyon was caused by Chuck Norris pissing there--Once.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two wooden rods attached to a chain were originally called Nunwaldos. Nobody knows what happened to Waldo but they are still looking for him.

If you closely watch the footage of the first moon landing, you can see Chuck Norris clinging to the underside of the landing craft.

Chuck Norris made a human centipede ages ago. That shit's played out to him.

Chuck Norris does not play Assassin's Creed, he follows his own creed - don't take shit from anyone!

Chuck Norris traced his family genealogy back 394 billion years to the world's first single cell protozoan ameoba.

In the year 1735 a meteor was hurling towards earth. It suddenly stopped at the site of Chuck Norris. It asked Chuck Norris for his autograph, then Chuck Norris roundhoused kicked it back to space.

A Chuck Norris beating is tax-deductable.

Chuck Norris gets a happy ending when strangling mountain lions.