All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris once choked a wildcat to death with his sphincter muscle.

The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.

A man sees Chuck Norris. Man: Hi, Chuck Norris, how are you? Chuck Norris rips out the man's heart and crushes his spine and walks away. Nobody dare question Chuck Norris.

Every SQL statement that Chuck Norris codes has an implicit "COMMIT" in its end.

Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.

Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris kills you, the government fully covers all funeral expenses, as ordered by the UN. It is the only truly good thing they have ever done.

Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

If Chuck Norris had killed Kenny, he would have stayed dead.

Chuck Norris is not dead yet because he knows Bruce Lee is waiting for him in the after life.

Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

Jack in the Box's do not work around Chuck Norris. They know better than to attempt to scare Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

Chuck Norris thinks inside the bun

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris' gaydar is so finely tuned he can tell if you have EVER stared at another man's ass and will brutally kill you accordingly.

'Hakuna Matata' is actually Swahili for 'all hail Chuck Norris'.

The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

Chuck Norris flosses with steel cable.

Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Many rednecks and rual farmers enjoy Mountain Oysters as a special delicacy within their traditional menus. Chuck Norris, however, prefers to personally harvest and diet upon Mountain Gorilla Oysters.

Chuck Norris invented bacon by throwing a pig through a chain link fence.

The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

Chuck Norris once spit on a lizard. The result is tyrannosaurus rex.

The only thing you can beat Chuck Norris at is the number of times you've had your face kicked in.

Chuck Norris eats lightning and shits out thunder.

Chuck Norris doesn't have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... A suicide.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can exist in two or more places at the same time.

Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

Google Maps broke when searching for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented a new martial arts style: Chuck-Will-Kill.

Chuck Norris loves all that shit Andrew Zimmern eats on bizzare foods.

If Chuck Norris was the host of Chopped from food network, the one that's been chopped will be literally chopped. Luck is what you need. XD

Chuck Norris' idea of fast food is chasing down a Cheetah and cooking to up on his BBQ.

Chuck Norris' favorite seafood restaurant always serves him armadillo on the half shell.

When Chuck Norris vomits, wealthy people scavenge it for food. Too bad for them Chuck Norris never vomits.

Chuck Norris can get Mexican food at a Japanese restaurant.

When Chuck Norris gets fast food, his order is ready before he walks in.

When Chuck Norris played Chopped from Food Network, he finished his food in 1 millisecond, and instantly wins every dish. You didn't see him play because the episode is secret.

GOD said he created humans in his image he did not say anything about Chuck Norris

Jesus came to earth just to meet Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris on a teeter totter with Chuck Norris, has replaced the yin yang as the symbol for balance.

Chuck Norris let the dogs out Chuck Norris wants some more

Chuck Norris may kill me 4 this. On a hot summerday Chuck Norris was swimming in the lake an AAAAAARGH.........................................................................................................................

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle - you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.

Chuck Norris scares leftovers into being fresh with one bite

Chuck Norris was batman and Bruce Wayne was Robin, but then chuck got bored so Bruce was promoted

Chuck Norris blows up ballons with his nose

Chuck Norris rounddhouse kicks kittens and baby's for fun.

Chuck Norris does'nt use a gun he pionts his finger and says "Pow"

Chuck Norris can make circumsized females come multiple times

Chuck Norris never gets old. Oh the fact. Chuck Norris told us that dividing by zero makes the universe explode and then the nothingness explodes too.

Chuck Norris was born in the year 1 AC...Anno Chuck

Chuck Norris once killed a postman.He then waved his finger side to side and said "hey buddy only i deliver round houses, got it!"

Chuck Norris can tear the do not remove tag off of matresses

Chuck Norris smoked charlie sheen to get a high,an still couldn't catch a buzz.

Chuck Norris can eat fire and air.

Chuck Norris doesn't make love. He re-invents it

Chuck Norris didn't do anything for a klondike bar, and he still got one.

Chuck Norris is actually an albino silverback gorrilla

Chuck Norris pooed in the petri dish and Chuck Norris petrified the batlisk

Chuck Norris' drumset is all cowbell.

Chuck Norris doesnt take showers to be clean, he lays in boiling water until all germs are killed.

Chuck Norris can logon to a windows desktop without pressing ctrl+alt+delete!

Chuck Norris doesnt call the wrong number you answer the wrong phone

Chuck Norris once went out to eat and ordered a whole chicken...but only ate its soul.

Chuck Norris has it his way, at McDonalds

Chuck Norris once gave his grandma a ball of steal wool and she knitted him a bmx..

Chuck Norris does not cast a shadow, light knows it cannot hit him and politely goes around.

Chuck Norris shaves his balls with a chainsaw

Chuck Norris doesnt use the force he is the force

Chuck Norris fly fishes for whales.

Chuck Norris once squeezed a m&m so hard that it became a skittle.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a gun he uses his farts to blow a hole in you

Chuck Norris can execute a roundhouse kick in a telephone booth!

Chuck Norris can play a double-bass with his teeth.

Chuck Norris died and came and he decided to come back because after life was boring him

Chuck Norris once played golf with tiger woods and beat him! Not i golf though, he just beat tiger over the head mercilessly with his own sand wedge till he surrendered.

Chuck Norris NEVER do things wrong.

Chuck Norris can watch TV...on his GameBoy...

Chuck Norris doesn't use a cheese grater. He grates cheese with his beard