All Chuck Norris Facts

It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

Chuck Norris invented the internet? just so he had a place to store his porn.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

Chuck Norris can smother a whale with a cue tip.

Chuck Norris programs occupy 150% of CPU, even when they are not executing.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

Anything you can do, Chuck Norris does better.

Chuck Norris can instantiate an abstract class.

Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

Chuck Norris can sleep with eyes OPEN.

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

Under Armour asked Chuck Norris to protect their house

Chuck Norris can gargle peanut butter.

A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

For Chuck Norris, NP-Hard = O(1).

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

Chuck Norris recently submitted a credit application. Under "occupation" Chuck simply listed "Mayhem".

Chuck Norris breaks RSA 128-bit encrypted codes in milliseconds.

Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

Chuck Norris can ski on lava and roast marshmallows on snow.

Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

every time Chuck Norris walks into a graveyard he simply smiles and says "good times".

How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

Chuck Norris's beard eats cardboard and craps out steel.

The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.

At some point, you go past "dangerous" into "insane". Beyond that on the spectrum, you have "homicidal", "a national threat" and finally a category that experts have simply named, "Chuck Norris".

Chuck Norris was recently on safari in Africa when a savage lion mauling occurred. The lion died an hour later and never should have been stupid enough to irritate Chuck.

Chuck Norris can in fact push a shopping cart upside down and still fill it full of groceries.

Chuck Norris' beard does not hide his secret smile. It hides another, angrier beard.

Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made form real cowboys

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

Chuck Norris keeps a pet squid in his toilet to wipe his ass with.

Chuck Norris never actually gets hit by punches and kicks, he actually is performing a fighting style where he smashes the limbs of his foes with his face.

To Chuck Norris, everything contains a vulnerability.

A handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris bent Victoria Beckam.

In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

The Holy Trinity is actually Chuck Norris' mammoth wang and gonads.

There's more than one way to skin a cat. Chuck Norris knows 437 ways to skin a cat and uses a different one every morning.

Steel wool is harvested from Chuck Norris' crotch.

In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

The only sure things are Death and Taxes?and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

i kicked Chuck Norris' ass the other day, then i rode the magic rainbow bus to fairy land and had tea with the easter bunny.

If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

Chuck Norris delivered him-self.

Whiteboards are white because Chuck Norris scared them that way.

Chuck Norris organised a weekend trip .... for 5 days

Nobody knows how many fingers Chuck Norris has on each hand because no one can tell before they die.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a debugger, he just stares down the bug until the code confesses.

Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

If you woke up on Christmas morning to find gifts, you were on Santa's "Nice" list...and Chuck Norris's "Do Not Kill Yet" list.

Chuck Norris destroyed my mommy.

The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer; to bad he never cries

When you watch a movie about Chuck Norris, his hand pops out of the TV and grabs and takes your soul.

Chuck Norris's keyboard has the Any key.

Chuck Norris built the hospital where he was born.

Mickey Mouse wears Chuck Norris ears.

Chuck Norris once scored 8000 in a bowling game by using his own balls.

Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Depending on the circumstances, Chuck Norris will decide whether or not his farts will stink. If he chooses to have them stink, he will then also choose the percentage level of rankness appropriate for the attending audience.

Chuck Norris compresses his files by doing a flying round house kick to the hard drive.

Chuck Norris will liquify your kidneys and pancreas when he sneezes

Chuck Norris doesn't wash his clothes. He disembowels them.

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

Chuck Norris doesn't relieve himself in the bathroom.... He scares the poop away.

Nature gets back to Chuck Norris

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

Chuck Norris killed Biggie and Pac

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

A signed picture of Chuck Norris' last colonoscopy now fetches over twenty thousand US dollars on Ebay.