All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

The Missing Link IS Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat, food climbs into his mouth out of fear.

After meals, Chuck Norris picks his teeth with a bowie knife.

Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

It is said you can't know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. This means no one will ever know Chuck Norris because he'd kill you if you touched his shoes.

Chuck Norris can recycle anything he wants,including his roundhouse kicks.

An apple a day does NOT keep Chuck Norris away

R&D scientists at Proctor & Gamble were able to invent Fabreeze textile & air freshener by reversing the molecular polarity of Chuck Norris' farts.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

This year's Chuck Norris Super Sunday Super Bowl party was catered by Chick-fil-A and all other party items delivered by Hobby Lobby

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

Pauly D from Jersey Shore was at the Dance party where Chuck Norris invented the Electric Slide. His hair is now permanently stuck in a blowout position.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

The Zohan doesn't mess with Chuck Norris.

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

Freddy has nightmares about Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Directors don't say "Cut" around Chuck Norris, because that's what he might do.

Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Chuck Norris can count past infinity.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Phobias are afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

Chuck Norris once won a game of connect four in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

Its not that Chuck Norris cant handle the truth. The truth cant handle Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris' favorite chewing gum are bullets.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

Chuck Norris can hammer an nail into the wall with a roundhouse kick

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

The name 'Chuck Norris' rolls off the tongue and kicks you in the face.

There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once destroyed a city to prove a point When asked Chuck Norris said The point was That I can destroy a city.

Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

The Tomahawk Cruise Missile is Chuck Norris Bottle Rocket

There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris recently bought some IKEA furniture. It came with no instructions. No one tells Chuck what to do.

To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris built the house he was born it.

If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

When Chuck Norris Goes fishing, he doesnt bait his own hook.. the worms hook themselves out of fear of Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

Chuck Norris flosses his teeth with his tongue

You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

Chuck Norris can bitch slap a Lowland Gorilla and get away with it.

Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

Everybody wears Superman pijamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pijamas.

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

Once on a beer & fish fry night, Chuck Norris made hush puppies out of an annoying litter of yelping newborn beagles.

Chuck Norris prefers to make love between a rock and a hard place.

Chuck Norris is the ultimate mutex, all threads fear him.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Back in the 80's, people only watched TV for exactly two reasons: Transformers, which could turn into tanks, and Chuck Norris, who didn't have to.

Chuck Norris has 786397348052577686876845967 experience points on Minecraft. It has probably already increased.

When Chuck Norris farts out loud, no one dares laugh. They all go home and die due to fart poisoning, Chuck Norris Fart Poisoning.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

Chuck Norris is the general of soulja boy

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

The big bang occured in Chuck Norris's appendix.

Chuck Norris did the Moon Walk Under Water

Chuck Norris takes no prisoners -- they're dead before they have a chance to surrender.

Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

Chuck Norris' house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

All arrays Chuck Norris declares are of infinite size, because Chuck Norris knows no bounds.

Chuck Norris once cut a man into two equal diametrically opposing sections by giving him a wedgie.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

Chuck Norris can unit test entire applications with a single assert.

Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

Sarah Palin has hired Chuck Norris to prepare her Alaskan Thankgiving Day dinner because he is the only person alive that can cram a 1,200 pound moose in her oven.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

The only things you can be sure of are Chuck Norris and taxes.

Chuck Norris can ice skate with roller blades

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.