All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris' dandruff has the same properties as finely crushed glass.

Whenever Chuck Norris sees a world touched by war, thousands of soldiers dying and mortars exploding, guns guns and more guns are firing....He really just wants to nuke the crap outta it.

Chuck Norris can power-shit a large ball bearing through your skull from half a mile away.

Chuck Norris once ate a marketing director's heart.

Chuck Norris' answering machine says "I'll be at your house in 4 seconds"

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

Chuck Norris can change a Diesel engine's spark plugs.

Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

When Arnold says "I'll be back" in Terminator movie it is implied that he's going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

Chuck Norris was an only child...eventually.

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder because his roundhouse kicks are recognized as "acts of God."

Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

Chuck Norris smashed the guy from Smashmouth in the mouth.

Chuck Norris once flicked Mickey Rourke on the nose.

Chuck Norris can pass an eye exam blind folded.

As a baby Chuck Norris did'nt wait for his mum to push, He got out himself..

Chuck Norris doesn't get sick. So once, after eating some chicken infected with salmonella, he gut punched some skidrow bums until they threw-up for him.

3 asians once ate 150 hotdogs in 1 minute. Not to be out done, Chuck Norris ate 3 asians in less than 20 seconds

Chuck Norris can sing with his feet and walk on his eyeballs.

I just downloaded the new "Roundhouse Kick" app for my iPhone and now my screen is cracked and the phone does not work. Damn you, Chuck Norris.

Godzilla is lucky that Chuck Norris doesn't live in Japan

Chuck Norris is who started the fire in that Billy Joel song.

In chucktatorship you get to vote only once. But in Chuck Norris' chucktatorship he gets to vote as many times as he wants.

Chuck Norris once had a heckler call him "Chuckie". Chuck kicked him so hard he was arrested for speeding 2 blocks away.

Chuck Norris found what Bono was looking for.

They say that the size and value of a man's car is inversely proportional to the size of his manhood. That must be why Chuck Norris usually gets around on a pair of rollerskates. And a wheelbarrow.

Chuck Norris got bit by a cobra after 7 days of intense suffering the cobra died.

All good things must come to an end...... When Chuck Norris says stop.

Chuck Norris knows the difference between a cow's tail and water faucet.

Chuck Norris decided he needed to have a pet. He looked at dogs and cats then ended up getting a pet alligator named Fluffy.

Chuck Norris spells relief, F-A-R-T.

If you find Chuck Norris while playing hide and seek, you lose.

When Chuck Norris came to a fork in the road, he picked it up.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Chuck Norris doesn't believe in god, god believes in Chuck Norris.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

Scotty in Star Trek often says "Ye cannae change the laws of physics." This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips. Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris never forgets an elephant.

By the time you see Chuck Norris' beard, it's already too late.

Snickers never satisfies Chuck Norris.

The killer is within... Chuck Norris.

Christians believe Jesus was crucified, died, and rose on the third day. Chuck Norris cannot die.

Chuck Norris doesnt follow the yellow brick road....he made it by turning concrete yellow.

life < existence < Infinite power < God < Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can swim undisturbed, through shark infested waters with 2 pockets full of chum.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a seat in Parliament......he has a couch.

As a child, Chuck Norris never failed a test in school. Tests failed Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris gargles ball bearings.

After Chuck Norris was born, he drove himself back home.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick your face with his pinky finger.

Chuck Norris taught Albert Einstein e=mc^2

Allstate is in good hands with Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' Father is also Chuck Norris' son, when you sire Chuck Norris he always returns the favour.

According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

Chuck Norris plays paintball with live ammunition in Afghanistan.

Chuck Norris doesn't use web standards as the web will conform to him.

Chuck Norris can solve the Towers of Hanoi in one move.

Chuck Norris doesn't bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.

Chuck Norris writes code that optimizes itself.

No one has ever spoken during review of Chuck Norris' code and lived to tell about it.

Chuck Norris hosting is 101% uptime guaranteed.

Chuck Norris' Internet connection is faster upstream than downstream because even data has more incentive to run from him than to him.

Chuck Norris tried to crank that soulja boy but it wouldn't crank up

Chuck Norris's OSI network model has only one layer - Physical.

You don't invite Chuck Norris. He invites himself.

When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it's across the room.

The only pattern Chuck Norris knows is God Object.

Chuck Norris can't test for equality because he has no equal.

With Chuck Norris P = NP. There's no nondeterminism with Chuck Norris decisions.

The class object inherits from Chuck Norris

If Chuck Norris writes code with bugs, the bugs fix themselves.

Chuck Norris doesn't need garbage collection because he doesn't call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().

Chuck Norris can dereference NULL.

Chuck Norris protocol design method has no status, requests or responses, only commands.

Chuck Norris can spawn threads that complete before they are started.

Chuck Norris burst the dot com bubble.

When Chuck Norris break the build, you can't fix it, because there is not a single line of code left.

Chuck Norris' programs never exit, they terminate.

Chuck Norris can compile syntax errors.

Chuck Norris types with one finger. He points it at the keyboard and the keyboard does the rest.

Chuck Norris does not need to type-cast. The Chuck-Norris Compiler (CNC) sees through things. All way down. Always.

Chuck Norris can binary search unsorted data.

Chuck Norris's beard can type 140 wpm.

Chuck Norris uses canvas in IE.

Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this glitch, Norris replied "That's no glitch."

The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

When Chuck Norris is web surfing websites get the message "Warning: Internet Explorer has deemed this user to be malicious or dangerous. Proceed?".

Chuck Norris doesn't need sudo, he just types "Chuck Norris" before his commands.

Chuck Norris's database has only one table, 'Kick', which he DROPs frequently.