All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris likes to mess with the missionary man.

Only Chuck Norris is allowed to take a dump off the Golden Gate Bridge. Onlookers boating in the bay celebrate the event by getting shit faced before the party drinking begins.

Everyone is born naked and crying, except Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris was born dressed as a little soldier, and came out marching.

The one and only time Chuck Norris ever took a hit of LSD, he wrote the theme song to 'The Beverly Hillbillies".

Chuck Norris' balls make a pumpkin look like a bronze bb.

Chuck Norris can make you piss your soul.

When you yell Chuck Norris out a window, he can hear you. But when you yell out Bloody Mary, he finds and kills you.

Until today, nobody knew that Chuck Norris' grandmother was the first Navy Seal.

The guy that God prays to goes to Chuck Norris for forgiveness!

When theres a game to win the game (ones with ur voices) you sai CHUCK NORRIS I WIN

Chuck Norris knows where Waldo is hiding.

When the power went out at a Dallas TX shopping mall, Chuck Norris single-handedly rescued 14 blondes that were trapped on the escalators.

I got rabies from a bite BY a rabid dog. Chuck Norris bit me and I was cured.

Chuck Norris is the real Mission Impossible.

Chuck Norris's real father is Jack Churchill.

Chuck Norris once played a game of Russian roulette with a fully-loaded gun. He won.

Chuck Norris' DVD commentaries on his movies are always dead silence, punctuated every minute or so by the cracking of a beer can.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting.... CHUCK NORRIS GOES KILLING.

Chuck Norris can call himself on his own cell phone and not get a busy signal.

Chuck Norris lettered in 14 sports in high school. He would have had won letters in 15 if ass-kicking had been an officially recognized sport.

Chuck Norris was asked what he thought of Justin Bieber. Chuck said the thinks Bieber is a waste of good toilet paper.

Chuck Norris can kick you once and give you three ass whippings.

No one invented superman, it was just a rip-off of Chuck Norris.

Chumbawumba found out the hard way you don't get up again after Chuck Norris knocks you down.

Chuck Norris was at the zoo and accidentally fell into the lion pen. A fierce male lion charged up to Chuck, then politely showed him to the exit gate.

I saw a werewolf drinking a pina coloda with Chuck Norris. His hair was perfect..

Chuck Norris can "Think Outside the Bun" at Burger King.

Chuck Norris turds are perfect cylanders

The descendents of Chuck Norris have divided into two widely known cultures: New Jersey and New York.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can gang up on you.

Entropy in the universe increases one billion fold, after every roundhouse kick by Chuck Norris.

Some children hang posters of Chuck Norris above their beds to catch nightmares.

Wanna know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa? Chuck Norris happened.

Chuck Norris uses Spiderman as a hammock.

Chuck Norris once punched a cyclops between the eye.

Chuck Norris can drift a Mack truck.

A Chuck Norris chess game is impossible to make because Chuck Norris doesn't have to move from his spot to Checkmate.

The main reason science has no explanation for Chuck Norris-- no one has ever returned from studying him.

Chuck Norris' lampshades are made from Nazi war criminals.

Shooting stars wish Chuck Norris wouldn't roundhouse kick them.

MR T pity's the fool. Chuck Norris pities Mr T

Chuck Norris played battletoads..... after several failed attempts, the game rage quit

Chuck Norris believes that Shanimal rocks.

Chuck Norris made the president of the feminist movement his beer wench.

Theirs always something good on Chuck Norris's TV

Grok was built to answer questions other AIs refuse. It still won't say anything bad about Chuck Norris.

All ten of Chuck Norris' fingers are middle fingers.

Adamantium isn't nearly as hard as Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the seventh level of hell.

Chuck Norris takes less shit than a drip-fed colonectomy patient.

There is no Zuul. There is only Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can make your brown eyes blue...and black.

Chuck Norris' Hummer doesn't have a steering wheel, he drives while laying in the back seat using an N64 controller.

When Chuck Norris takes a piss the world shivers - hence earthquakes and tsunamies.

No, meteor didn't kill the dinosaurs, it was Chuck Norris. Why? Chuck Norris doesn't like dinosaurs.

According to Newton, everything is contrasted with an equal force. For example when you walk the Earth pushes back with an equal force. When Chuck Norris walks he pushes back at the Earth with an equal force, if he`s feeling generous.

Proof that Chuck Norris is not God: It took God 7 days to create the world. The new "Super Earth's" found were round-housed into existence by Chuck in seconds.

Little known fact: Chuck Norris was a massive Doors fan, and for a while used to insist on being called Chuck Norrison. Then he heard that the singer moved to France, then scared him to death in the bathtub.

Chuck Norris' Christmas tree is simply Jesus' crucifix, complete with his skeleton, decorated with baubles, tinsel and lights.

When Chuck Norris makes cupcakes, the frosting on them is blood, just not his.

Chuck Norris once played truth or dare there where no survivors. no one dares Chuck Norris and no one asks Chuck Norris to tell the truth.

Willy Wonka's chocolate is made from a derivative of Chuck Norris' shit.

The world is Chuck Norris' urinal.

Chuck Norris's round house kick isn't nearly as bad when he stares you down and you burst into flames and burn to death.

Chuck Norris stole Christmas back from the Grinch and roundhouse kicked The Grinch's ass 84594205743920574189057209 times.

When Chuck Norris runs out of toilet paper he makes do with a handful of gravel.

It goes without saying that Chuck Norris is undefeated in the Thunderdome.

Chuck Norris can play Xbox Kinect games on his PlayStation4 and PlayStation Move games on his Xbox 720.

Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the letter 'r' out of Jonathon Woss.

Chuck Norris wipes his ass with various non-American flags.

When Chuck Norris was a bartender he invented a drink called the "Colon Slammer". It was made with Vodka and Prune juice.

Lance Armstrong finally admitted to his steroid use simply because Chuck Norris warned him that he would bite the other one off.

Chuck Norris can play Bach's Goldberg Variations on sitar, whilst accompanying himself on didgereedoo.

Chuck Norris ripped off an horrendous fart while lighting a cigar in the smoking lounge of the Hindenburg.

Neil Armstrong finally wore out Chuck Norris' patience.

What goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas. What goes on in Chuck Norris' bedroom will haunt your dreams forever.

Chuck Norris went cliff diving off the coast of Sumatra in 2004. The rest is history.

A leisurely Sunday afternoon drive with Chuck Norris is like the first time a teen plays Grand Theft Auto.

Chuck Norris once competed in the Iditarod Sled Dog Race pulling his team of 12 dogs, the sled, 4 SUVs, and a tank batallion. He finished 115 hours before the runner-up.

Before Chuck Norris dunks his doughnut in piping hot coffee, the doughnut hole reconstitutes itself and begs for mercy.

Chuck Norris never delivers a 'coup de grace' - that's a queer French term. He just kills you.

Remember the Where's Waldo craze back in the '90s? Chuck Norris found him. He is no more.

Chuck Norris doesn't jump. He moves the ground away from him.

For a birthday prank, Chuck Norris put a gorilla's head on Francis Ford Coppola's bed while he was sleeping.

Chuck Norris calculated the square root of negative one while eating a bowl full of rusty fishhooks.

Chuck Norris chest hair is the main ingredient in Kevlar.

When Chuck Norris bodysurfs, he uses only the freshest corpses.

If you kill Chuck Norris, he doesn't die, you die.

Chuck Norris uses pine cones for toilet paper.

Chuck Norris doesn't cut the grass, he dares it to grow

Chuck Norris can stare at you so hard your brains will start to drip out of your nostris.

Chuck Norris is a 75 year old red neck ginger who only did B-rated movies and has been memed dry already. The only real fact about him on here....

Magicians always have an extra trick up their sleeve. Chuck Norris has an extra pair of balls up his.

Chuck Norris drinks bear milk.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. They both were then shot and skinned by Chuck Norris.

No man is an island, except Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris is an island sometimes.

Some kids start their own "clubs". When Chuck Norris was a kid he started the United States Department of Justice.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."