All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris is the reason Jenny's afraid to leave the Block.

Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

Chuck Norris is actually the front man for Apple. He let's Steve Jobs run the show when he's on a mission. Chuck Norris is always on a mission.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger. By yelling "Bang!"

A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

After returning from World War 2 unscrathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was a game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks: "Do you want fries with that?". Because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't want fries with anything. Ever.

In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Conor McGregor is Chuck Norris' illegitimate son.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe with eleven herbs and spices. Nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

Chuck Norris' internet connection doesn't just use band width... It uses the whole orchestra.

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

Chuck Norris flicked a booger once from a grassy knoll

The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

Chuck Norris injects hot coffee directly into his eyeballs.

Chuck Norris always takes ice-cold showers, and he still steams up the bathroom.

Chuck Norris watches the Watchmen...

So it seems sleep has a cousin named death and Chuck Norris is sleeps Uncle which makes Chuck Norris Death's dad! Oh man i feel sorry for death's boyfriend!

While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

Chuck Norris was in the US Air Force in Korea. He flew 27 kamikaze missions without a helmet.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

Bill Gates thinks he's Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris actually laughed. Once.

Chuck Norris never runs out of things to kick.

Chuck Norris can reverse Convection.

Chuck Norris can read with his eyes closed and sleep with his eyes open just incase

Chuck Norris haunts Freddy Krueger's dreams.

'Tsunami' is japanese for 'Chuck Norris san'

When Chuck Norris watches a movie, you can notice an unmistakable fear on the faces of the actors on the screen.

Chuck Norris once gave his cell phone a brain tumor.

Chuck Norris urinates while doing a hand-stand on the toilet seat.

A Chuck Norris roundhouse kick delivered with precision accuracy to the base of your skull will cause your face to blister, putrify and later slide off the front of your head.

Dont ever tell Chuck Norris you like unexpected surprises.

Chuck Norris's spit is the cure(they dont want you to know) for the swine flu

Do you seriously think that McDonalds came up with the slogan "would you like fries with that"? Everyone knows that is what Chuck Norris tells his victims immediately proceeding a roundhouse kick to the face.