All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris declined an invitation to compete in the World Pepper and Chilli eating contest, saying he isn't in the mood for overindulging in candy.

Chuck Norris has a Grizzly Bear rug laid out on his family room floor. The Grizzly Bear isn't dead...it's just too afraid to move.

How do you get to Carnagie Hall? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris irons his trousers with them still on.

Only Expendables 2 earned its title as an All Star Movie, and that was merely by the introduction of Chuck Norris.

There are lesser apes and greater apes. Chuck Norris is the greatest apes of them all.

If released, the four-hour Chuck Norris/Kim Kardashian sex-tape will literally break the internet.

When Chuck Norris frowns, every human within 3 miles turns inside-out.

Chuck Norris actually smiles two or three times a year, proving that his facial muscles can withstand stresses which would pulp a regular human skull.

Chuck Norris can upload photo's of himself on you tube.

The Loch Ness Monster is a myth. Chuck Norris was just taking his pet dinosaur out for a friendly swim.

Chuck Norris doesn't edit Wikipedia, he roundhouse kicks the articles.

Chuck Norris went up Niagara Falls in a barrel.

Chuck Norris is made out of Chucktanium, and Chuck Norris is the only one that has it. Good luck killing him for that.

Chuck Norris is so important he speaks in italics.

Chuck Norris can slice and dice the atom.

Chuck Norris drunk liquid cement.now he craps bricks.

Chuck Norris is the reason Osama Bin Laden is hiding

Chuck Norris once pissed into a petrol truck....that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris' parents WERE the unstoppable force and the immovable object.

Chuck Norris is the alpha and the omega. And all those other fruity letters.

Chuck Norris can force you to eat your own head.

Chuck Norris is also known as Donkey Dong Norris!

Chuck Norris can crash your dorm party get all the women's attention and shit on the floor before he leaves, why? Because he's Chuck Norris.

A Chuck Norris punch to the back of your skull will change your forehead into a fivehead.

There is a portal in Chuck Norris' beard that opens to Mr. T's mohawk.

Chuck Norris can be totally understood by Russian people, by simply speaking plain english and adding a '-ski' at the end of every sentance.

When Chuck Norris was born he roundhouse kicked his way out of the womb

Chuck Norris gets around in a monster truck instead of a buggy when he's playing golf.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris left the toilet seat up. Got a problem?

Chuck Norris buries the hatchet... in the back of your head.

Fun Fact: No-one has ever sued Chuck Norris and lived.

Chuck Norris has a large, curved talon on each foot, much like the Velociraptor.

Chuck Norris calls creditors..they always pay

If you are filled with terror that Chuck Norris is still out there, somewhere, that only proves that you are still sane.

Chuck Norris was vacationing in Spain and decided to participate in a bullfight. Chuck was disqualified because he didn't realize he wasn't supposed to knock the bull out.

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Doesn't matter Chuck Norris is here.

Chuck Norris reports noobs and the noobs automaticly be banned from (Insert online site here) unlike the others

Chuck Norris wears a black belt made of nothing other than pure black holes.

Chuck Norris buys all of his horses, long horn steers, feed and water at 7-11 convenience stores.

Chuck Norris un-invented the parabolic hemorrhoid disruptor which is why you have never heard of it before now.

If you dare to eat a bowl Chuck Norris' homemade Texas Hot Chile and later take a dump, you'll need to wipe your ass with a snow cone.

If you ever say 'have a nice day' to Chuck Norris, he will of course reply 'don't mind if I do' then immediately stab you in the throat with his car keys and enthusiastically bone your girlfriend as you die.

When Chuck Norris wants cookies, he crashes open a computer.

a black hole is not created when a star dies, it is created when a star gets round-house kicked by Chuck Norris

The video game DOOM is loosly based of the time when the devil borrowed two bucks from Chuck Norris and forgot to pay him back.

Chuck Norris doesn't bend the truth, he snaps its' neck.

One night Chuck Norris had Chili for dinner. The very next day the Big Bang happened.

Chuck Norris can kill a man in a rap battle.

If you ever meet Chuck Norris, it can only be better if Norris reveals he is your father, in which case your mother would have wholeheartedly believed him, and your ex-father would have been honored.

Chuck Norris ate a 30 pound turkey in 6 minutes... including the bones.

Chuck Norris once participated in a 100 mt race and obviously came first, but Albert Einstein died after watching that cos light came second.

Chuck Norris "Hit the Road" and came back

People wonder why Houston has a problem. . . Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris believes in robbing happiness from the rich and giving pain to the poor.

Chuck Norris rubs mint-scented asbestos on his gums.

Bloody noses happen because Chuck Norris thought about roundhouse kicking you in the face, but then changed his mind.

Chuck Norris has no piercings, but he can pierce 1000 girls' ears with his nipples before he has to sharpen them.

When Chuck Norris goes to an ATM, the machine empties itself of all cash to Chuck Norris out of sheer terror.

When Captain Phillips returned to sea.........he's bringing Chuck Norris this time!

Chuck Norris is the fifth Beatle.

Chuck Norris was banned from the Winter Olympics because the judges didnt know how to score a double-lutz flip-axle roundhouse kick to the face!!

Every morning Chuck Norris gets up and pisses excellence.

In any given room, there are at least 1357 things that Chuck Norris can use to kill you........including the room itself!

Chuck Norris will beat you with his nunchucks. Chuck Norris will roundhouse kick you with his Chuck Taylors. Chuck Norris will feed you to the woodchucks. Don't fuck with Chuck!!1

Chuck Norris doesn't believe Feminism exists, because women can't resist Chuck Norris.

Hitler killed himself because he got a death threat from Chuck Norris

Japan can still kill whales cause sushi don't fill Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris ordered a chicken burger at In-N-Out and he got one.

Chuck Norris has the eyes of an angel and the soul of a saint. He keeps them in a footlocker under his bed. "

Only Chuck Norris can fulfill female commitment need.

Chuck Norris found the end of a rainbow.

Michael Jordan is the Chuck Norris of basketball.

Chuck Norris was at a drugstore recently and mistaken for an employee. A lady asked "do you have cotton balls"? Chuck replied "no ma'am, mine are solid meat".

Chuck Norris doesn't have an age - he has a half-life.

Chuck Norris won the Tour De France...on reverse

You will never have to ask if that's Chuck Norris behind those Foster Grant sunglasses. Chuck Norris has no need to wear sunlasses. And there is nothing that would dare to even attempt to get infront of Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris gets a happy ending when strangling mountain lions.

A Chuck Norris beating is tax-deductable.

In the year 1735 a meteor was hurling towards earth. It suddenly stopped at the site of Chuck Norris. It asked Chuck Norris for his autograph, then Chuck Norris roundhoused kicked it back to space.

Chuck Norris traced his family genealogy back 394 billion years to the world's first single cell protozoan ameoba.

Chuck Norris does not play Assassin's Creed, he follows his own creed - don't take shit from anyone!

Chuck Norris made a human centipede ages ago. That shit's played out to him.

If you closely watch the footage of the first moon landing, you can see Chuck Norris clinging to the underside of the landing craft.

Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two wooden rods attached to a chain were originally called Nunwaldos. Nobody knows what happened to Waldo but they are still looking for him.

The Grand Canyon was caused by Chuck Norris pissing there--Once.

When Chuck Norris pours milk on his rice crispies - they shut the hell up

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once ate a whole turtle and when he crapped it out it was six feet tall and had learned karate.

You win some, you lose some. Chuck Norris wins some and wins some more.

For 'American Sniper', Bradley Cooper got acting and beard-wearing tips from Chuck Norris.

yo momma so ugly, Chuck Norris had to roundhouse kick her.the image of yo momma still haunts Chuck Norris to this day.

one the boy said HELP HELP ITS CHUCK NORRIS

Chuck Norris once thought that he a hemorrhoid on his asshole. When it fell off, he discovered is was actually a huge tick that died from blood poisoning.

Little Miss Muffet Sat on a tuffet, Eating her curds and whey; Along came a Chuck Norris, Who sat down beside her And said "Whatcha got in the bowl bitch?"

Chuck Norris is going to make Dave Grohl his monkey wrench.

Chuck Norris once launched a massive reverse roundhouse kick at a man's face, missed and struck a conrete wall. The man died anyway from the percussion shock.

Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris SHUT UP! no. Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Chuck Norris (keeps on saying it.)

Chuck Norris once milked a bull. He then forced Michael Richards to drink it.

Whenever someone clicks on Chuck Norris' facebook page, they instantly get round house kicked