All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris once competed in the Iditarod Sled Dog Race pulling his team of 12 dogs, the sled, 4 SUVs, and a tank batallion. He finished 115 hours before the runner-up.

Before Chuck Norris dunks his doughnut in piping hot coffee, the doughnut hole reconstitutes itself and begs for mercy.

Remember the Where's Waldo craze back in the '90s? Chuck Norris found him. He is no more.

Chuck Norris doesn't jump. He moves the ground away from him.

For a birthday prank, Chuck Norris put a gorilla's head on Francis Ford Coppola's bed while he was sleeping.

Chuck Norris calculated the square root of negative one while eating a bowl full of rusty fishhooks.

Chuck Norris chest hair is the main ingredient in Kevlar.

When Chuck Norris bodysurfs, he uses only the freshest corpses.

If you kill Chuck Norris, he doesn't die, you die.

Chuck Norris uses pine cones for toilet paper.

Chuck Norris doesn't cut the grass, he dares it to grow

Chuck Norris can stare at you so hard your brains will start to drip out of your nostris.

Chuck Norris is a 75 year old red neck ginger who only did B-rated movies and has been memed dry already. The only real fact about him on here....

Magicians always have an extra trick up their sleeve. Chuck Norris has an extra pair of balls up his.

Chuck Norris drinks bear milk.

The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. They both were then shot and skinned by Chuck Norris.

No man is an island, except Chuck Norris.Chuck Norris is an island sometimes.

Some kids start their own "clubs". When Chuck Norris was a kid he started the United States Department of Justice.

Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground

Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris is the reason Jenny's afraid to leave the Block.

Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder.

When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

Chuck Norris is actually the front man for Apple. He let's Steve Jobs run the show when he's on a mission. Chuck Norris is always on a mission.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".

Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger. By yelling "Bang!"

A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

After returning from World War 2 unscrathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was a game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks: "Do you want fries with that?". Because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't want fries with anything. Ever.

In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Conor McGregor is Chuck Norris' illegitimate son.

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. Chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron's ass halfway through the first chapter.

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe with eleven herbs and spices. Nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.

Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

Chuck Norris' internet connection doesn't just use band width... It uses the whole orchestra.

President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

Chuck Norris flicked a booger once from a grassy knoll

The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.