All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris can split/fuse atoms through his piercing stare.

Want to have the scariest Halloween costume ever...dress up as Chuck Norris

The band still played on while the Titanic was sinking because Chuck Norris stayed on deck to watch them.

In The Bible, it says that Jonah was swallowed by the whale and the whale was swallowed by Chuck Norris.

They had to build a second afterlife for all of the people Chuck Norris killed.

Bees sting Chuck Norris for a less painful death.

Chuck Norris wins NASCAR races with all right turns.

When he was young, Chuck Norris wore a bear trap as teeth braces.

Chuck Norris can kick you in the nuts so hard, they will fly through your body up into your head and knock out your eyeballs, effectively replacing them.

Chuck Norris can lift Thor's hammer, Mjolnir...with his pinkie.

If you give Chuck Norris a fish you feed him for a day, but if you teach Chuck Norris how to fish, he will simply out fish you and then flog your face with a dead catfish!

Chuck Norris created "Where's Waldo?". He wasn't a fan of the name Waldo, so he round house kicked him in the face and no one has seen Waldo since...hence where's Waldo?

Slash, of Guns & Roses fame, got his name when the toenails from a barefoot Chuck Norris roundhouse kick slashed the top of Slash's skull & hair off. That's why Slash now covers his deformity with a tophat.

Chuck Norris can make a banana split after he eats it.

Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris's glare will liquefy your kidneys.

Chuck Norris gouged out the "i" in team.

Don't bother praying to be saved from Chuck Norris; God was about to ask you the same thing.

The Necronomicon is dedicated to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can punch you in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris once fed a cannibal with a knuckle sandwich.

Of course Chuck Norris screwed Barbara Walters back in the 20's.

As a 3rd grader at school, Chuck Norris played schoolyard dodgeball with all the other boys using 80 pound cannonballs.

Snap, Crackle, Pop: 1) The sound made by Rice Krispies. 2) The sound made by the bones of those foolish enough to fight Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris gave birth to himself.

People can swim on water but Chuck Norris can swim on Land

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, he never has to go to Jail, not pass Go and not collect $200.

'Vengeance' is one of Chuck Norris' many, many middle names.

Chuck Norris made Kristen Stewart emotional.

Chuck Norris suckled from the teat of murder.

Chuck Norris looks down on serial killers, due to their method's inefficiency.

Chuck Norris can bake a turkey, a ham and 3 pumpkin pies, all at once inside an easy-bake oven

Chuck Norris went to pick up his girlfriend at Mr. Stevie's House of Beauty. Mr. Stevie asked Chuck if he'd like a bikini wax, since he was there. Chuck asked Mr Stevie if he would like it if he reached down his throat and ripped out his tonsils.

You can lead a horse to water, but Chuck Norris can make him drink eggnog.

Chuck Norris drives Optimus Prime to work.

When a young boy asked for Chuck Norris' autograph, he gave him a good solid kick to the face and left a permanent boot mark. This is Chuck's unique autograph, and that boy's face is now worth more money than the treasure from King Tut's tomb.

Pediatricians and researches are unsure what causes colic in infants. A leading theory on its cause is infants are ruminating over the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't need help, help needs Chuck Norris.

There is only two wonder in the world Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris' round house kick

Children of cannibals think Chuck Norris is the Easter Bunny.

There is a Chuck Norris fact number zero, but those who read it will get blind because that was Chuck Norrir's first created by Chuck Norris himself.

Jesus Christ once said,"If someone strikes you on the right cheek turn to him the other also." He obviously hadn't met Chuck Norris.

Stevie Wonder can see what a badass Chuck Norris is.

The Movie Predator was in direct retaliation of Chuck Norris' Vacation to the Predator's Home Planet. Body Count: Predator: 5 Chuck Norris: 5 Million

Chuck Norris brightens up the sun's day

If you've ever wondered where the wind comes from, it's Chuck Norris breathing. The next time it's really windy outside, Chuck Norris is jogging.

Atomic bombs are Chuck Norris favourite food. They are so crisply and spicy.

Chuck Norris was evil kanevil's stunt double.

A Chuck Norris movie will touch your heart. Then it will rip it out of your chest.

For St. Patrick's day, Chuck Norris caught and crucified a Leprechaun, drank six kegs of green beer and roundhouse kicked the mayor of Boston.

Chuck Norris is the reason 'The Expendables 2' is rated PG-13.

Chuck Norris regularly breaks into the White House, just to scare the shit outta Barack.

Chuck Norris thinks somebody has no sense of humor & needs a roundhouse to the rucksack.

Chuck Norris once single handedly killed 97 Afghan terrorists with his M-16 assault rifle. Then he flipped off the safety and shot 500 more of them.

By twerking daily, Miley Cyrus is in training to build up her ass & snatch muscles enough to be the first woman in history to satisfy Chuck Norris in less than 5 hours by his pile driving rigid tool.

Oh yeah, Chuck Norris brings it. He will bring it, put it down on the table, open it, get it out and sodomize you with it.

Chuck Norris can brew coffee out of tea leaves

Chuck Norris is who taught Pai Mei from Kill Bill.

Chuck Norris doesn't trust you as far as he can throw you. Which is a fucking long way.

Chuck Norris once sailed around the world and found a shortcut.

Chuck Norris' pet piranha, Steve, likes to catch fresh Rainbow Trout for Chuck.

Chuck Norris doesn't give you a 'pearl necklace', he simply kills you in a really gross way.

If you repeatedly say Chuck Norris 10 times....you explode.

There's no coincidence that an anagram for Chuck Norris is "crush rock in"

the Speaking Clock calls up Chuck Norris to make sure IT is correct

Every time that Chuck Norris speaks, the expansion of the Universe halts for a split second.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.

If at first you do not succeed.......you are not Chuck Norris

All Chuck Norris facts should be told in a respectful whisper, whilst laying one's palms and forehead on the floor.

Chuck Norris weighs less than zero

Chuck Norris' underwear can turn a clothes dryer inside out.

The Van Halen song "Runnin' With The Devil" was originally called "Running Screaming From Chuck Norris".

Chuck Norris once pissed in a man's beer bottle and made him drink it. That man is now known as "the most intersting man in the world".

Chuck Norris gargles with sulfuric acid.

Ghosts don't exist because Chuck Norris has never seen one.

Mickey Mouse wears a Chuck Norris watch.

A Bear can smell a drop of blood 2 miles away. Chuck Norris can smell fear 5.

When Chuck Norris reads Creepypastas, he doesn't get scared. The creepypasta story gets scared by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented the Rosetta Stone Language Learning System, but found it useless, because he can already speak every language on Earth--simultaneously!

Chuck Norris has just left the building. He left it a smoldering pile of rubble.

Tim Tebow can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Time Tebow even further.

Chuck Norris can spit calligraphy.

Chuck Norris recently discovered that if you Build a man a fire, he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Chuck Norris can shine his boots to perfection just by using his foot and your ass.

Starlink has 6,000 satellites in orbit. Chuck Norris has one fist. Guess which one has better global coverage.

Chuck Norris won a gun fight without a gun

Chuck Norris' father is The Most Interesting Man in the World of Dos Equis fame, and his grandfather was Teddy Roosevelt.

Chuck Norris is actually every member of Slipknot. That's how fast he can change costumes.

Chuck Norris is the reason why nuclear bombs were invented.

Over the hills and far away...... CHUCK NORRIS COMES TO PLAY!!!!!!!!

Steven Segal is not a real person. He's just Chuck Norris in disguise.

Chuck Norris got tired of hearing about the internet phenomenon about him. So he recently invented the Chuckroll.

Chuck Norris once demonstrated CPR, and actually brought the dummy to life.

Chuck Norris always wanted to surf but couldn't. Everytime his board touches the water, the sea parts.

Chuck Norris never "raises the roof". he lowers the floor.

Chuck Norris is a certifiable badass. That's right, he's got a certificate.

Chuck Norris can chuck a schmuck like a puck.

Bikers call themselves "hang arounds" when they're with Chuck Norris

On Day Zero, Chuck Norris created God.

After meals, Chuck Norris picks his teeth with a pneumatic drill

It's been discovered that the best possible weapon to have when the zombies come is Chuck Norris.