All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris was kicked out of the the NFl for refusing to wear a helmet or a pad of any kind...

Chuck Norris convinced a dinosaur the earth is 6000 years old.

If God knows all, sees all, and hears all, then God must be Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris falls in a pit with hundreds of Rattlesnakes. The next day he emerges with Rattleskin boots,belt,hat,jacket and noticeable weight gain.

Chuck Norris is in the death star trench run; Obi one kenobi: use the force chuck. Chuck Norris: F*** you old man, I use round house kick. Period The death star blew up with only one roundhouse kick and the universe was saved.

Chuck Norris does not eat Honey, he eats the bees

When Chuck Norris plays pokemon red, his starter pokemon choices are: Darkrai, Arceus, and Missingno. He, of course, takes them all and is ALREADY a pokemon champion.

A Chuck Norris punch to the face has been directly linked to the causal affect of sleep apnea.

On February 15, 2013, Chuck Norris hit a home run out of Rangers Ballpark that made it to Chelyabinsk, Russia before exploding. New personal best.

Chuck Norris can stop a red light!

Chuck Norris' car runs off bubbles and the tail pipe takes his shaft like a champ

Chuck Norris was once in Russia, people now remember it as "In Soviet Russia"

Chuck Norris like to do cartwheels up and down the aisles while the plane is landing.

Chuck Norris can waterboard you with a jar of M n' Ms

In the movie Alien 5 the Asswhoopin', movie goers were astonished to see a small Chuck Norris burst out of an alien and proceed to kick the crap out of him.

Steve Jobs died because Chuck Norris was pissed that the iPhone 4S wasn't the iPhone 5

Chuck Norris was once a guest on Top Gear. Chuck and his 18 wheeler beat The Stig's in a Veyron best lap by 14 seconds. Lucky Chuck Norris only had to change one tyre.

Chuck Norris can track your IP address with the sun and/or moon.

Chuck Norris can recite Bolivian poetry in Japanese Pig Latin.

Chuck Norris can flush his toilet by simply scowling at it.

If you can read this, your gonna die from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can describe a color to a blind person.

Chuck Norris visited Americas Toughest Prison for a vacation. After 30 seconds of fighting, all the inmates asked to be transferred to Death Row.

If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.

So far, genealogists have only be able to trace Chuck Norris' ancestry back to Ivan the Terrible.

Any man can make yellow snow. Chuck Norris can make brown snow.

God created Chuck Norris because Chuck Norris allowed him.

Chuck Norris showed Paloma Faith that roundhouse kicks also hurt like love.

Chuck Norris can finish the "song that never ends".

Chuck Norris is who Cliff Richards' heart was given away to last Christmas.

When Chuck Norris plays monopoly he doesn't pay to get a property.

Chuck Norris doesn't get shocked, the electricity gets Chuck Norris'd

Chuck Norris dosn't go bungee jumping off of bridges, bridges go bungee jumping off of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris declined an invitation to compete in the World Pepper and Chilli eating contest, saying he isn't in the mood for overindulging in candy.

Chuck Norris has a Grizzly Bear rug laid out on his family room floor. The Grizzly Bear isn't dead...it's just too afraid to move.

How do you get to Carnagie Hall? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris irons his trousers with them still on.

Only Expendables 2 earned its title as an All Star Movie, and that was merely by the introduction of Chuck Norris.

There are lesser apes and greater apes. Chuck Norris is the greatest apes of them all.

If released, the four-hour Chuck Norris/Kim Kardashian sex-tape will literally break the internet.

When Chuck Norris frowns, every human within 3 miles turns inside-out.

Chuck Norris actually smiles two or three times a year, proving that his facial muscles can withstand stresses which would pulp a regular human skull.

Chuck Norris can upload photo's of himself on you tube.

The Loch Ness Monster is a myth. Chuck Norris was just taking his pet dinosaur out for a friendly swim.

Chuck Norris doesn't edit Wikipedia, he roundhouse kicks the articles.

Chuck Norris went up Niagara Falls in a barrel.

Chuck Norris is made out of Chucktanium, and Chuck Norris is the only one that has it. Good luck killing him for that.

Chuck Norris is so important he speaks in italics.

Chuck Norris can slice and dice the atom.

Chuck Norris drunk liquid cement.now he craps bricks.

Chuck Norris is the reason Osama Bin Laden is hiding

Chuck Norris once pissed into a petrol truck....that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris' parents WERE the unstoppable force and the immovable object.

Chuck Norris is the alpha and the omega. And all those other fruity letters.

Chuck Norris can force you to eat your own head.

Chuck Norris is also known as Donkey Dong Norris!

A Chuck Norris punch to the back of your skull will change your forehead into a fivehead.

There is a portal in Chuck Norris' beard that opens to Mr. T's mohawk.

Chuck Norris can be totally understood by Russian people, by simply speaking plain english and adding a '-ski' at the end of every sentance.

When Chuck Norris was born he roundhouse kicked his way out of the womb

Chuck Norris gets around in a monster truck instead of a buggy when he's playing golf.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Chuck Norris left the toilet seat up. Got a problem?

Chuck Norris buries the hatchet... in the back of your head.

Fun Fact: No-one has ever sued Chuck Norris and lived.

Chuck Norris has a large, curved talon on each foot, much like the Velociraptor.

Chuck Norris calls creditors..they always pay

If you are filled with terror that Chuck Norris is still out there, somewhere, that only proves that you are still sane.

Chuck Norris was vacationing in Spain and decided to participate in a bullfight. Chuck was disqualified because he didn't realize he wasn't supposed to knock the bull out.

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Doesn't matter Chuck Norris is here.

Chuck Norris reports noobs and the noobs automaticly be banned from (Insert online site here) unlike the others

Chuck Norris wears a black belt made of nothing other than pure black holes.

Chuck Norris buys all of his horses, long horn steers, feed and water at 7-11 convenience stores.

Chuck Norris un-invented the parabolic hemorrhoid disruptor which is why you have never heard of it before now.

If you dare to eat a bowl Chuck Norris' homemade Texas Hot Chile and later take a dump, you'll need to wipe your ass with a snow cone.

If you ever say 'have a nice day' to Chuck Norris, he will of course reply 'don't mind if I do' then immediately stab you in the throat with his car keys and enthusiastically bone your girlfriend as you die.

When Chuck Norris wants cookies, he crashes open a computer.

a black hole is not created when a star dies, it is created when a star gets round-house kicked by Chuck Norris

The video game DOOM is loosly based of the time when the devil borrowed two bucks from Chuck Norris and forgot to pay him back.

Chuck Norris doesn't bend the truth, he snaps its' neck.

One night Chuck Norris had Chili for dinner. The very next day the Big Bang happened.

Chuck Norris can kill a man in a rap battle.

If you ever meet Chuck Norris, it can only be better if Norris reveals he is your father, in which case your mother would have wholeheartedly believed him, and your ex-father would have been honored.

Chuck Norris ate a 30 pound turkey in 6 minutes... including the bones.

Chuck Norris once participated in a 100 mt race and obviously came first, but Albert Einstein died after watching that cos light came second.

Chuck Norris "Hit the Road" and came back

People wonder why Houston has a problem. . . Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris believes in robbing happiness from the rich and giving pain to the poor.

Chuck Norris rubs mint-scented asbestos on his gums.

Bloody noses happen because Chuck Norris thought about roundhouse kicking you in the face, but then changed his mind.

When Chuck Norris goes to an ATM, the machine empties itself of all cash to Chuck Norris out of sheer terror.

When Captain Phillips returned to sea.........he's bringing Chuck Norris this time!

Chuck Norris is the fifth Beatle.

Chuck Norris was banned from the Winter Olympics because the judges didnt know how to score a double-lutz flip-axle roundhouse kick to the face!!

Every morning Chuck Norris gets up and pisses excellence.

In any given room, there are at least 1357 things that Chuck Norris can use to kill you........including the room itself!

Chuck Norris doesn't believe Feminism exists, because women can't resist Chuck Norris.

Japan can still kill whales cause sushi don't fill Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris ordered a chicken burger at In-N-Out and he got one.

Chuck Norris has the eyes of an angel and the soul of a saint. He keeps them in a footlocker under his bed. "