All Chuck Norris Facts

To be the person who Chuck Norris is right now, he never learned from his failures because he never commits failure but success.

The dinosaurs didn't go extinct Chuck Norris scared them out of existence.

Hitler killed him self because he found out Chuck Norris is jewish.

Chuck Norris Rounhouse kicked Voldemort now he has n nose

A man walks up to Chuck Norris and ask for a lite...May he rest in peace.

There are two sides to every issue: Chuck Norris's side and the wrong side.

Chuck Norris does not fly coach OR first class. He travels by transcontinental flying sidekick.

The reason Link can't speak is because he got a roundhouse kick in the throat by an unidentified bearded man "Scientists believe him to be Chuck Norris"

One day a jew accidently stepped on Chuck Norris his shoe. It was his favorite shoe. So Chuck created Hitler.

Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then trank three kegs and shat on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.

Google doesn't search for Chuck Norris. It knows you don't find Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris finds you.

All professional sports teams pay Chuck Norris Not to play--saves money on body bags and funeral arrangements.

Chuck Norris doesn't wish on shooting stars. He doesn't need handouts.

Chuck Norris customised his iPod so that it now doubles as a cattle prod. It's his iProd.

Chuck Norris owns several very successful funeral homes. The reason why is debatable.

Chuck Norris smokes razor-sharp blunts.

Chuck Norris eat Pain for breakfast

Chuck Norris can eat a Big Mac with his lips tied behind his back.

Chuck Norris eats chili peppers to cool down his mouth

Once Freddy Kreuger went to Texas, Chuck Norris appeared in his nightmares

Chuck Norris once ate a full bottle of sleeping pills...they made him blink

Chuck Norris brushes his face and washes his teeth

On Chuck Norris's birthday, one lucky child is chosen to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris shot an Eagle on the 14th hole at Pebble Beach. It was a Bald Eagle and died with a smile on it's beak.

Chuck Norris heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.

Chuck Norris doesn't feel your pain... he causes it

Chuck Norris can easily read your mind, by simply shooting you in the face and examining the wall behind you.

Ironicaly, Chuck Norris lives in a round house.

Michelle Obama twerks only for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade that killed 100 people it then exploded

Chuck Norris' first name is The.

Chuck Norris is all about that roundhouse kick, bout that roundhouse kick. No punches.

God help any Chuck Norris impersonator

When Chuck Norris dies, the world will end.

when you split an atom, inside it says OWNED BY CHUCK NORRIS

If you ever make the mistake of confessing to Chuck Norris that you are a vegetarian, prepare to be immediately smothered to death by a slab of fresh veal.

Fighting Chuck Norris is the one thing Meatloaf won't do for love.

Chuck Norris was once turned loose in a china shop.

When Chuck Norris goes to jail playing Monopoly, by the time he gives the bank $50 for bail, etc; his battleship has already murdered ten other inmates.

Chuck Norris tears the divider out.

Chuck Norris never asks if you are talking to him.

Albert Einstein showed that E = mc2. Chuck Norris proved it by splitting an atom through fear.

Chuck Norris doesn't need portals in the video game Portal.

Chuck Norris' face is on the One Billion Dollar Bill, which only he owns.

Chuck Norris can touch a bottomless pit

As the old saying goes, You can't make an omelette without Chuck Norris cracking a few human skulls. Because basically he does that all the time.

Chuck Norris lives each day like it's your last.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

Tesla's self-driving mode has driven millions of miles without an accident. Chuck Norris has driven millions of miles without a car.

Women line up just for the thrill of giving Chuck Norris a hickey on his hemorrhoids.

Chuck Norris isn't really a Texas Ranger, although mentioning such blasphamy in a bar setting will undoubtably start a riot. I highly recomend trying it out if you have balls 1/8th the size of Chuck's.

Chuck Norris decided to try bull riding. He drew a nasty bull named Snort. When Snort heard Chuck was going to ride him, he went to his veterinarian, got castrated and changed his name to Daisy.

Every Tuesday morning Chuck Norris goes crawling the whole of the Internet with his friends Googlebot and Slurpy.

Reportedly, the moment Chuck Norris was born, Hitler's actual jaw spontaneously dislocated.

Chuck Norris can eviscerate a moose with his toenails.

there is no theory of evolution, just a list of species Chuck Norris allows to live

Chuck Norris does not floss his teeth, he merely clenches them and blows out real hard in bursts for a minute. The resulting Chuck Norris teeth-product is collected and used as fertilizer by farmers in Taiwan.

Chuck Norris is the only man alive that can be a badass while riding a moped.

There is a common misconception among Star Wars fans. Chuck Norris shot first, not Han Solo.

Chuck Norris killed "Digger" his toenail fungus character by simply ripping his toenails out on one leisurely Sunday afternoon.

Once Chuck Norris played Scary Maze, when he met the scary ghost, she broke out the screen and escaped.

Chuck Norris isn't American... he is America.

Rome wasn't built in a day, but Chuck Norris can destroy it in 2 hours.

Chuck Norris once found the mammary glands on his pet alligator. He milks her every morning and uses it to foam his morning lattes.

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Chuck Norris is worth the New York Public library, packed floor-to-ceiling with 10,000-page micro-print encyclopedias.

The Chuck Norris classic 'Delta Force' is so manly, you have to eat a side of beef before they'll let you buy it.

Chuck Norris gave rock and roll to you. He gave rock and roll to everyone.

The sun doesn't shine on Chuck Norris. If it did well you know when a solar eclipse is coming.

Chuck Norris has to get his pedicures done at a local gristmill.

Chuck Norris can swim in a pool table.

Chuck Norris ritually craps out quotes that all of us would be lucky to utter on our deathbeds

You know why Steven Segal never removes his pony-tail? Beacause Chuck Norris told him not to.

Chuck Norris once sang "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" at a karaoke bar. Understandably, there were no survivors.

While playing his 1982 vintage Atari Asteroids game, Chuck Norris discovered & unlocked 3 easter eggs revealing a new multi-weapon pointer, the original Doom beta and the GPS coordinates for The Lost Ark of the Covenant.

Chuck Norris can play Sonic R on a Playstation and Crash Bandicoot on a Sega Saturn.

Only one woman has ever survived a slow dance with Chuck Norris, and she was a jeep.

Chuck Norris had tonsillitis as a child. He reached in and pulled them out.

Hitler killed himself the year Chuck Norris died... COINIDENCE?!?!?!

When a person goes to a plastic surgery clinic, the front desk doesn't hire a surgeon. They hire Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make you hang onto his every word, even the prepositions.

Life comes at you fast; Chuck Norris's Fist comes at you faster!!!

Chuck Norris once looked at an inmovable object and it ran in fear.

A clarvoyant once offered to read Chuck Norris' palm. After staring at it for about thirty seconds, her head exploded.

Chuck Norris crouches down, puts his head between his legs, and charges up his super-sonic spin attack that can kill instantly and destroy whole buildings. That's how he rolls.

Chuck Norris once ate a Tank, in one single bite

Chuck Norris actually died a million years ago. Death just doesn't have the balls to tell him.

'Old Glory' is also what Chuck Norris calls his package.

The current stock market crash began when Chuck Norris faxed a Roundhouse kick to Wall Street

Once Chuck Norris peed against a fence. A police officer saw him and said - That's against the law! - No, said Chuck. It is against the fence!

Every time Chuck Norris flatulates, an albino condor fledges.

One Million years ago Chuck Norris slapped the world, and to this day it is still spinning

Daniel Boone was known to wear a coonskin hat. Chuck Norris often wears a live wolverine for a hat.

If you have $100 and Chuck Norris is broke, He still has more money than you.

Whoever said "You can't win them all" obviously never met Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris packs more nuts than Delta Airlines.

Chuck Norris doesn't lay the smack down - the smack will get up and do his bidding.

When in Rome, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks you in the face wearing a toga.

Nelson Mandela was not released from Robben Island prison in 1990. Chuck Norris broke him out of prison, roundhouse kicked ALL the prison gaurds, and safely escorted him to the coast of Capetown. Its good to have a friend like Chuck!

A child once got a Chuck Norris action figure for his b-day and he made the mistake of calling it a doll... he hasn't come out of the coma yet

Chuck Norris wasn't born, he just got tired of wearing his mother.