All Chuck Norris Facts

Are your base are belong to Chuck Norris.

FACT: You are having a birthday because Chuck Norris decided to let you live another year!

Chuck Norris toilet is made of stainless steel.

Chuck Norris can deny the "License Agreement" and still be able to install the software

The pizza delivery boy tips Chuck Norris.

The only reason Chuck Norris hasn't destroyed the world is because he was conferred with the honorary Nobel Peace Prize for his role in the film Sidekicks. The prize expires on December 12th, 2012.

When Chuck Norris reads a bedtime story you sleep forever.

The straight and narrow path actually belongs to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can open PDF files with Microsoft Excel.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

To be or not to be is irrelevant to Chuck Norris, because he is both.

God help anyone who dares play a Wii game against Chuck Norris when the nunchuck is involved.

If Chuck Norris uploaded a video on youtube no matter how stupid it is, Boom. Millions of views and subscribers. That's how Chuck Norris has more subscribers than pewdiepie, In Fact: Everyone in the whole world subscribed him.

Chuck Norris can't rob a store, because everything on earth belongs to him!

Allstate won't quote a rate for mayhem like Chuck Norris!

Some tough guys show off by squeezing orange juice out of an orange. Chuck Norris squeezes whole oranges out of orange juice.

Some people can kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris can kill a dozen condors with one boulder.

People pray to God. God prays to Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris does not need to use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Merriam-Webster dictionary actually changes it's own published spelling.

The speed of light is 186,000 miles per second. Chuck Norris' speed is unable to be calculated.

Chuck Norris eats cold beans out of the can and thinks he's the next fucking Gordon Ramsey.

He is never Missing in Action, He is.... Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once went Mach 17 on a 12 speed with no back tire.

Chuck Norris entered the NFL Hall of Fame on the first ballot.

Chuck Norris gets his chicken sandwiches and waffle frys FOR FREE

Chuck Norris can shoot you without a gun...

When Chuck Norris runs out of toilet paper he makes do with a handful of sandpaper.

The people you see with brown teeth were in a room when Chuck Norris farted.

E equals M C squared. Chuck Norris equals death, period.

Chuck Norris says that fact is not about him

Z0mg CHUCK NORRIS ROXORZ!!!!111 one one 111!!!!

Nike says, 'Just Do It'. Chuck Norris says, 'shut the fuck up, boy'.

Chuck Norris guides MAPS where to go!

When Chuck Norris was born the Doctor gave him the traditional slap on the butt. Instead of crying, Chuck slapped the Dr. back so hard it knocked him cold.

Chuck Norris says, 'if life gives you lemons, punch it in the nuts until it doesn't.'

Chuck Norris can cause reverberation inside an anechoic room.

Little Chuck Norris would bring a carving knife to play 'duck duck goose'.

Chuck Norris likes to scare the shit out of Saint Peter by killing people so hard they smash into the pearly gates.

Chuck Norris can make you cry with his unbelievable armpit rendition of 'The Star Spangled Banner'.

The is more than one way to skin a cat. Chuck Norris knows thousands. It was a childhood hobby

Chuck Norris drank up all his alcohol. Then he puked out guns. Hell yeah i said guns. He used them to kill people.

a Ford Taurus was killed in a fatal Chuck Norris accident

The New World Order reports to Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris cuts an onion, the onion cries.

When you knock on death's door, Chuck Norris answers, and then kills you for knocking.

When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, HE SQUIRTS THE LEMON JUICE IN HIS EYES AND RUNS RAMPANT ON LIFE'S ASS!!

Jessie wants to be Chuck Norris' girl.

Chuck Norris invented pain so that he could torture people.

Once back in the 60's Chuck Norris clipped his nails, a scientist found them and reverse engineered them to make Kevlar.

Chuck Norris knows what a mystery meal tasts like.

Whatever you're thinking of, Chuck Norris already thought of that.

the Keebler Elves do not chose to live in a tree, they are just hiding from Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't need to play games against people to beat their high scores. He just plays with himself and beats every highscore on every game on every console in the whole entire universe.

Chuck Norris committed the act hara-kiri last night. Later, he cleaned up the mess, cooked up some breakfast and went bass fishing.

When the Hulk sees Chuck Norris, he turns back into Bruce Banner.

Chuck Norris would love to go to town on your town.

Chuck Norris' earwax is used by the U.S. Airforce as the radar deflecting final polish on the B-2 Spirit stealth bombers.

haoerlkfsjkjfkjkpiku.. That's what you said after Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked your face in.

For fun, Chuck Norris crab fishes in the Bearing Sea with just a snorkel and a laundry basket.

A man was freaking out and told his shrink he had seen deamons in the dark. Turns out he had just had the misfortune of running into Chuck Norris on a dark street corner.

Question: What does LKCG stand for? Answer: Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris scratches his back with a circular saw.

Chuck Norris savors the sweet taste of ax-murder.

Chuck Norris'new show is called "12" because he doesn't need "24".

When he jumps into a pool, Chuck Norris doesnt get wet, the water gets Chuck Norris

People say that light goes faster than anything. Not true. Once a man named Joe insulted Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris then roundhouse-kicked Joe. Less than 1 second later, Joe ended up speeding out of the universe.

Chuck Norris once saved Superman's life. Just to kill him again.

Chuck Norris gets more head then a pillow!

Chuck Norris doesn't even need to put the seat up when he urinates.

how many Chuck Norris' does it Chuck to Norris? Chuck. Fucking Norris.

December 1 2013 will be the day Chuck Norris gets a playstation 5.

The Force is with Chuck Norris... for it's own good.

When Chuck Norris tells you something, you fucking pay attention.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris sold Kajiji on KAJIJI

Chuck Norris taught the Mack how to mack, and also taught Supafly how to flap his muthafuckin' wings.

Nothing in the known universe is more badass than Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was 3 years old, he went Back to the Future in his Little Tikes car.

Chuck Norris is the DEA and you are a meth lab door.

Step on a crack, Chuck Norris will pulverize your spine. Then plow your mother.

Chuck Norris once frightened Christopher Walken. From now on he is known as Christopher Runnin.

Chuck Norris sold 10% proprietary rights of his manly essence to The Jolly Green Giant. Now anybody can open up a can of Whoop-Ass.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet...He just scares the shit right out of it!

Einstein was a genius. Chuck Norris is a genios, genious, and a genius.

Apple pie is as American as Chuck Norris

Rudolph has a red nose because he got lippy and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him across the face several times

Chuck Norris usually prefers to travel on the OUTSIDE of taxis, trains and commercial aircraft.

Chuck Norris can get blood out of a stone.

Tom Cruise lives with the certainty that one day, he'll bend over the bathroom sink to splash water on his face, lift up his head and in the mirror see that Chuck Norris is standing directly behind him.

Chuck Norris doesn't own a t.v. because when Chuck is around, he is the center of attention.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris cannot fly. He just jumps and chooses when to come down.

Chuck Norris never cries, because of this when he's sad he roundhouse kicks himself and it makes him feel better since he knows he is the only one who can survive the roundhouse.

Chuck Norris was the 13th Apostle. The one who took over.

Paramedics are now being taught to ask a person regaining conciousness- What's your name? How many fingers? What's the greatest Chuck Norris movie? And the answer had better fucking be Delta Force.

Chuck Norris can Supercharge an electric car.

Chuck Norris can talk about Fight Club.

Chuck Norris invented Kotex MaxiPads. Originally they were used in hospital ER's to stop profuse bleeding from any part of his victim's body.

Chuck Norris got lost in the wilderness with Les Stroud and Bear Grylls. After 30 days only Chuck came out alive and had gained 20 pounds. Les and Bears bodies were never founds.

One round-house-kick from Chuck Norris can deliver eternal energy to Earth

Chuck Norris uses the planet Jupiter as his personal sauna.