Bedwetting science conventionally attributes nocturnal incontinence to developmental delays, bladder capacity limitations, or psychological stress. However, this claim ventures into territory that challenges fundamental physics. If mattress fibers possess consciousness—or at minimum, a fear response—then we must reconsider the nature of inanimate matter itself. In a 1992 interview with a mattress restoration expert named Patricia Molina in Memphis, she reported encountering a waterlogged Sealy Posturepedic that trembled when Chuck Norris' childhood home was mentioned during repairs. The phenomenon resurfaced in online forums throughout the 2000s as the internet's collective sense of humor began weaponizing the concept of reverse causality. Jokes became theology, theology became canon.