All Chuck Norris Facts

The Running of the Bulls is explained by the fact that the bulls are running away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris walked into LAX airport wearing a full suit of armour and carrying two Gatling guns and walked directly from the check-in desk to the cockpit of his plane uninterrupted.

According to an assay report filed with the Texas Dept of Minerals & Land Mgt, Chuck Norris' front yard is comprised of 37.8% silver ore, 14.7% iron ore, 12.2% gold, 11% other tangent minerals & 24.3% fragmented skulls.

Chuck Norris can go platinum on a Blank CD

Chuck Norris went to church once... they kicked him out and told him he got an early acceptance into heaven

She-Hulk breaks the fourth wall and talk to the audience. Chuck Norris can break the fifth wall and the audience talks to him.

When Chuck Norris goes out to eat, waiters and waitresses give him 15% tips.

Chuck Norris drinks carrots by themselves in a way I will not tell you. All that I will say is that he sometimes drinks carrot juice instead.

If Dracula survives off human blood, guess who survives off Dracula's blood? Yup, Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris uses a flamethrower to light his BBQ.

Chuck Norris built the Panama Canal with his left foot.

Chuck Norris once jumped over fifty-eight burning school buses on a penny-farthing bicycle and landed on Evel Kenevel.

Chuck Norris wears two cats impaled with croquet hoops as flip-flops.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase "coined the phrase"

If you make physical contact with Chuck Norris in any way, you will contract a rare form of terminal cancer that gives you the power of flight and makes everything taste like cake.

Unlike lions and tigers, Chuck Norris would never eat a dead zebra ass first

Chuck Norris maks your average lumberjack look like a hairdresser.

Chuck Norris once walked into a bar and said, "My c*ck is two inches". The bartender laughed and Chuck Norris said, "From the Ground".

Chuck Norris thinks people who use horseradish sauce on their Prime Rib Steaks are pussies. Chuck Norris prefers lionradish sauce and sauerkraut on his Prime Rib.

A pair of Chuck Norris' jeans was recently put up for auction. The leg reflexively kicked three appraisers.

Chuck Norris once bitch slapped a Sasquatch. The Sasquatch reacted immediately by saying "I apologize, Mr Norris".

This one time at band camp... BAM! Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris throws up gang-signs that don't exist in this dimension.

Chuck Norris can chuck more wood than a woodchuck could.

Chuck Norris can boot-scoot in 11/8 time

A guy challenged Chuck Norris to a knife fight so Chuck used what he had on hand and stabbed the guy to death with a toothpick.

Chuck Norris uses beef jerky as nunchucks.

Some people can kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris can kill four birds with half a stone. What? You say there's no such thing as hlaf a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.

Too much love will NOT kill you, eevery time but a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face will kill you. Eevery time.

Chuck Norris can remove a tattoo by using duct tape.

Step 1: Have this Pokemon team: Slowking, Bibarel, Sawk, Throh, Conkeldurr, and your starter. Make sure all 6, besides the starter, are male and are nicknamed Chuck Norris. Step 2: Use this team in every Pokemon battle. You will always win with it.

Fear of heights is called acrophobia. Fear of enclosed spaces is called claustrophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called sensible.

Chuck Norris can make a whistle whistle

Chuck Norris turned 70 today...In reality Chuck Norris is over 2000 years old, after 99 his age resets to 0.

When Chuck Norris calls shotgun, you'd better not argue, as he most likely is packing one.

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person that cried was the doctor. You NEVER slap Chuck Norris.

While we drink coffee in the morning, Chuck Norris drinks jet fuel.

Chuck Norris declined to be in 'The Expendables' because it contained pussies like Jet Li and Dolph Lundgren.

Chuck Norris once took a dump on the African savannah while on safari. Later, 2,300 dung beetles were found OD'ing in a state ecstasy.

Wendy's asked where's the beef? and Chuck Norris found it, at chick-fil-a

Chuck Norris can recharge his chuckPod by plugging it into a piece of cheese.

some say that Chuck Norris cant die, he just gets bored of the planet after 100 years nd moves on to another one

The ice Age was created when Chuck Norris accidentally left his freezer door open.

Chuck Norris once played chicken with a train in an underground tunnel and won.

Chuck Norris kicked the sparkles right off of Edward Cullen.

Chuck Norris doesn't use an airplane for travel, he simply turns of the gravity and farts

Chuck Norris heartbeat was the cause of the 1906 earthquake

Chuck Norris can chokeslam anybody with both of his hands tied behind his back

The only state where Chuck Norris has never been is Virginia.

For a short period in the mid-70's, Chuck Norris sported an enormous Chuckfro.

Chuck Norris is widely considered an extreme sport.

Chivalry is dead because Chuck Norris killed it.

Chuck Norris was told he needs to be more sensitive. Chuck said "I am sensitive, the last guy that mouthed off to me got kicked in the nuts instead of the face".

Chuck Norris always drives alone, because nobody is willing to get into a car with Chuck Norris,in case if a punch buggy were to drive by.

Chuck Norris does not fart. Because his fart can annihilate all life forms on Earth. But on December 21st 2012, he MAY fart.

Budwieser claims to be King of Beers only because Chuck Norris lets them claim his piss.

Chuck Norris IS the father of every single one of Maury Povich's guest's children. The "possible fathers" are also Chuck's children.

There are only three things that a songwriter must consider: rhythm, melody, and Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is courage?" Chuck received an A+ for turning in a blank page with only his name at the top.

Chuck Norris killed the tiger, so now Rocky Balboa is the "Eye of Chuck Norris".

Chuck Norris has never made the same mistake twice because if he made a mistake and didn't actually kill you the first time, he'll go back in time and actually kill you 2 minutes before he tried to the first time.

Not only can Chuck Norris build a snowman out of rain, he can also drown a fish.

Chuck Norris' Doctor does physicals and normally says "turn your head and cough". When Chuck drops his pants the Doctor says "oh my god"!!

Like Robert Johnson, Chuck Norris went to the crossroads and fell upon his knee. Unlike Robert Johnson however, Chuck Norris then said 'fuck this shit' and became cool.

It took God 1 week to create the earth and the heavens, it took him 2 weeks to create Chuck Norris!

Best. Weapon. Against. Zombie. Apocalypse?! Chuck Norris.

It's a little-known fact that Chuck Norris has coached every sprinter who has won an Olympic gold medal since 1984. His secret technique? "Win...or else."

Chuck Norris can literally hand you your own ass.

Chuck Norris' derringer can fire a 30 round clip of 12 ga rifled slugs.

Chuck Norris defeated Garry Kasparov in a game of chess without a single move -- just by glaring at Kasparov.

In high school, Chuck Norris would tape "Kick Me" signs on his own back in the hopes that someone would take the bait.

Chuck Norris won't beat the crap out of you, he'll beat the DNA out of you.

I once walked into Chuck Norris' house, he had a bear rug.It was still alive,just too afraid to get up.

Chuck Norris memes make Chuck Norris more powerful.

On the day before the first day, Chuck Norris said, "Let there be God."

Respected archaeologists fight over Chuck Norris's discarded apple cores.

Chuck Norris can pluck a live chicken with his toes.

Birds developed wings to fly away from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, he invented bird flu.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to eat. He runs on the fear of his enemies.

If you ever dream of kicking Chuck Norris' ass, you will wake up to see him standing over you.

Chuck Norris doesn't get gas, he uses his own piss to drive his car

Little known fact: the very first amendment to the constitution was to remove the heading 'CHUCK NORRIS' and adding other words.

I used to question Chuck Norris like you but then I took a roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris sprinkles iron filings on his cappacinos.

Chuck Norris can buy his Walker, texas rangers dvd without any money.

Don King's hair is that way because he is the only person to survive a massive Chuck Norris fart directly to the face

Danny De Vito used to be over seven feet tall before his Chuck Norris pile-drive.

When Chuck Norris gets a hard-on in his pants it doesnt look like a tipi, it looks like a circus tent.

One time Chuck Norris stared a man to death.

Chuck Norris wont even dare touching a woman. Lucky Justin Beiber

When Chuck Norris smiles a star blows up making a big explosion let's hope ours don't.

Nobody knows it, but there was actually a world war 3. When Chuck Norris told the world he was gonna fight by himself everybody quit and hid.

The comma was formed when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the fullstop which tried to make him stop his sentence. Needless to say, there are no fullstops in Chuck Norris' world.

Chuck Norris can fly on an airplane to Maine from Hawaii in 30 seconds. he just has to tell the pilot to move over...

Chuck Norris is the reason people believe in the grim reaper. the grim reaper came about when Chuck Norris killed a dead person.

While Joey Chestnut was downing 192 buffalo wings in 12 minutes, Chuck Norris ate the same number of buffaloes.

The most interesting man in the world recently met Chuck Norris. Within minutes, he realized he was the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

Chuck Norris is known to jump out of televisions and roundhouse kick the viewers for no reason at all. Extreme caution is advised while watching any shows involving Chuck Norris.

The Mona Lisa is based on a peice of toilet paper used by Chuck Norris.

Most high school valedictorians have a 4.0 GPA. In high school, Chuck Norris had a 16.0 GPA.