All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris brung MJ back to life, but screwed up and made Taylor Swift.

What's the difference between Chuck Norris and Mud? Mud comes off..

Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Little-known fact: Chuck Norris taught Ike Turner how to play guitar. And the ancient art of the backhand.

Chuck Norris can dribble two bowling balls up a flight of stairs... with his feet.

Do you know why Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his balls because hair doesn't grow on steel!

Chuck Norris cut his own umbilical cord.

So Chuck Norris walks into a bar, and comes out an hour later, drunk. There were no survivors in the bar.

Everybody hates Chris. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was born while his mother was lion hunting on the African Savanna. Just seconds later he strangled a hyena with his own umbilical cord.

How long is a piece of strChuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was expelled from kindergarten. His teacher told Chuck he could not be milk monitor so Chuck climbed up on a chair and knocked him out.

Chuck Norris once had a staring contest with a picture of himself and won.

Chuck Norris survived Alderaan.

Before it became politically incorrect, guys used to participate in the sport of "dwarf tossing". Chuck Norris invented and enjoys the sport of gorilla tossing.

Chuck Norris and Cookie Monster once had a contest to see who ate the most cookies. At the end, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Cookie Monster in the head.

When Chuck Norris has a cavity he drills out the tooth with his cordless drill and uses melted lead for a filling.

Chuck Norris is arguably our country's greatest president.

IF CHUCK NORRIS GIVES YOU A ROUND HOUSE KICK IN YOUR DREAMS YOU REALLY DIE.

Baldness will be considered sexy only if Chuck Norris goes bald.

Chuck Norris got expelled from school when he was 6. He took Scooby, his pet Wolverine for show and tell.

Chuck Norris won a staring contest in his sleep.

It can be said that Chuck Norris has a foot fetish — he loves the sight of his own foot disintegrating assholes' heads.

Chuck Norris had a yo-yo when he was a kid. One night he just got bored with it and threw it up into the sky. Perhaps you've seen it.

If Chuck Norris is on your side, then Nationwide becomes irrelevant.

Ozzy Osbourne listens to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sired the E*Trade baby.

Every seven seconds, somewhere in the world, Chuck Norris kills someone.

Chuck Norris won an Olympic gold medal in Tae Kwon Do with a broken neck.

When raining, Chuck Norris doesn't need an umbrella, he can dodge the rain drops.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris' avatar is actually shorter than him.

Nominate Chuck Norris for the new Secretary of Defense!

Neo is The One, the one after Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor immediately put a name tag on his wirst, and a Shoalin Monk put a black belt around his waist. The president gave him a cigar.

Whenever Chuck Norris visits Vatican City, The Pope comes.

Chuck Norris is the one that bottled the mythical Genie in a bottle..

Chuck Norris once flipped a coin getting both heads and tails at the same time.

Horses know not to sneak up behind Chuck Norris!

All the world records were set by Chuck Norris. The people listed are in second place.

If you looked up 'legend' in the dictionary, you would be immediately decapitated by Chuck Norris for being dumb enough to not know that word.

Diamonds are tears solidified from when Chuck Norris was a baby.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a salesman over the telephone.

I carry a gun on my hip because Chuck Norris is too heavy.

Chuck Norris invented walking in slow motion with explosions behind him.

A new one, got on it myself after coming home from holidays — a sure "only Chuck Norris can do THAT!" Chuck Norris can go through airport security without being humiliated.

If Chuck Norris gave you a back rub, the coroner would swear you swallowed a hand grenade.

Homeless people are afraid to ask Chuck Norris for change. The last guy who did got a half dollar scissor kicked up his ass... twice.

The Big Kahuna is simply Hawaiian coast guard slang for the approaching of the Chuck Norris dong.

Teacher: why is the sky blue? Student: the sky is blue because Chuck Norris's favorite color is blue. Teacher: 100/100.

CHUCK NORRIS is the ancestor of the one-celled bacteria.

Chuck Norris was recently asked what he thought of Nancy Pelosi? Chuck said he thinks Nancy Pelosi is uglier than a bucket of buttholes. There were no further questions.

Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked is as likely as seeing a vampire with a suntan.

Chuck Norris trims his fingernails with a chainsaw.

If you ever have to go to prison, get "property of Chuck Norris" tattooed on your body and you can drop the soap with no fear.

Some are born great (Chuck Norris), some achieve greatness (Chuck Norris) and some have greatness thrust upon them (Chuck Norris).

Little known fact: Chuck Norris is also a world-class classical pianist. He recently quit, however, stating that he hated playing over the sounds of audience members' heads exploding out of sheer sensory overload.

Chuck Norris action figures have been banned in the United States and Mexico due to the roundhouse action related to eye loss in children.

What is the definition of infinity? The number of people Chuck Norris has roundhouse kicked in the face.

When Chuck Norris gets a flat tyre, he doesn't need a jack, he just lies under his car and reads Hustler.

Think Green... Think Chuck Norris!

The timeless movie classic "Clash of the Titans" is actually based on a 1974 Detroit Bar Fight involving Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, God, and all five members of AC/DC.

September 11, 2001- The World Paper Airplane Throwing Championships were held in California... Chuck Norris won when his 4 best throws landed somewhere on the East Coast.

Humans believe in GOD.GOd believes in DEATH.DEATH believes in CHUCK NORRIS.

The Avatar was created by Chuck Norris uppercutting a smurf.

Chuck Norris can piss his name in mid-air.

Chuck Norris won the 2014 Pikes Peak Hillclimb in a shopping cart.

Chuck Norris ripped the horn off of the world's last unicorn. He made a scrimshawed knife handle out of it.

Chuck Norris doesn't pay attention — attention pays him.

Chuck Norris does not believe in discrimination based on sex, age, race, religion, culture or geography — when it comes to his roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris can walk through a hurricane and not have his cigar lose its flame.

On his days off Chuck Norris actually gets along with people quite well. Chuck Norris never takes a day off.

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

Chuck Norris' favourite alcohol is Johnny Walker: Texas Ranger.

FATWA senders-- Molly Norris is Chuck Norris's little sister.

Chuck Norris would never swing from a chandoleer. He would devour it in one jump.

If you don't want to die alone, take a friend with you to Chuck Norris' house.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat. He refuels.

Once a vampire sprang at Chuck Norris in the dark. Chuck Norris ate the poor creature raw and alive.

Chuck Norris' first word was 'apocalypse'.

Chuck Norris passes sarin gas.

*Chuck Norris is an acronym, it means: Crushing Heads Under Cars and Kicking Ninjas Over Rail Roads and Into Space.

Daenerys Targaryen is the "Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea," the "Breaker of Chains," and "Mother of Dragons." She would trade all that and more to become "Woman of Chuck Norris."

Orange rhymes with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' last name is in the android dictionary.

If your teacher gets angry because you put Chuck Norris as an answer in your test, he/she isn't mad because of that answer, your teacher is in fact jealous because you are smarter than him/her.

Chuck Norris walked into a beauty parlor........ They didn't do anything to him!

Those who fight Chuck Norris can not retreat or surrender. They're dead long before they can do either.

Chuck Norris is the only one that can kill people that can't die!

Chuck Norris can Head Plank you anytime he wants too.

Chuck Norris once paid 25 cents for a $1.00 Snickers Bar and got $20.00 back in change.

Any movie featuring Chuck Norris in any way is classified as a Chuckumentary.

Disco, the Latin language, and Dinosaurs: all unfortunate victims of Chuck Norris.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, for the result is only death.

Osama bin Laden's current location: gaffer-taped to the underside of Chuck Norris' Hummer. Norris will hand him in after he has returned from his road trip to Alaska.

Chuck Norris' go-cart is tricked out with twin gatling guns, stinger missiles, an 8,000 horsepower engine and a state-of-th-art sound system. And it can fly.

Chuck Norris doesn't give his wife anniversary presents. The honer of being Mrs Chuck Norris is enough for her.

Chuck Norris is a true conservationist. He always reassembles his exploded grenades for reuse.

Chuck Norris was once in a catch 22, but he roundhouse kicked it down to a 12 pack and literally drank his problems away.

Chuck Norris can read braille by smelling the paper.