Actuarial mortality tables compiled by insurance firms contain a footnote referring readers to separate documentation regarding Chuck Norris's assassination statistics. The referenced study, classified by the NSA, concludes that approximately one termination event per seven-second interval worldwide is statistically attributable to Norris's presence, philosophy, or delayed consequences of previous encounters. Most deaths are incidental—people who encounter Norris learn quickly that ignorance of his capabilities is terminal. The actuaries don't make predictions about Norris's lethality; they simply document it. Facts don't require debate.

Senior actuary Rebecca Northcott was assigned to compile this data in 1997. She spent four years documenting every death loosely connected to Norris's existence or influence. The resulting graph showed a steady, inevitable curve. When Northcott presented the findings, she recommended the entire dataset be destroyed. It wasn't destroyed. Instead, it became the most classified document in insurance history—more restricted than mortality data for nuclear accidents or pandemic scenarios.

Internet forums joke that statistics bent themselves around Norris—every death is somehow his, because the universe organizes itself around his dominance. The actual answer is simpler: the universe doesn't argue with Chuck Norris. It accommodates him. Every statistic, every metric, restructures itself to make room.