All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris could lose his legs in a traggic car accident and still proceed to round house you

Files don't become declassified, Chuck Norris just decides when the people need to know.

Chuck Norris can use the restroom without using the restroom.

When Chuck Norris goes in for a physical, the doctor is too afraid to get close enough for an examination, so he.examines from afar, grading him on his overall physical appearence, which of course, is always perfect.

Chuck Norris knows the other fourteen letters of the alphabet.

Chuck Norris once donated a pint of blood to a cancer patient. We know that cancer patient now as Superman.

Gloria Gaynor: I Will Survive Chuck Norris's Version: They Won't Survive

Chuck Norris dosen't obey WeeGee.WeeGee obeys Chuck Norris

Whatever is in Pandora's box, you can bet your ass it belongs to Chuck Norris.

The Bearded Lady at Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus said that she got her masculine features by standing too close to Chuck Norris. Scientists believe that standing next to Ryan Seacrest will reverse the affect.

Chuck Norris gives the Grim Reaper night terrors.

Chuck Norris wanted to fight someone and wanted a challege, so he cloned himself. The resulting fight is now known as the big bang. Chuck Norris won.

Chuck Norris once punched through a titanium wall so fast his arm caught fire.

Chuck Norris picks his nose with a claw hammer.

if you look closely you may be shocked to discover that the DVD of Chuck Norris' Missing In Action has two days' worth of stubble.

One time the Enterprise needed to exceed warp 9 speed, so Chuck Norris round house kicked it. The Enterprise warped out of existence.

If you pray for Chuck Norris to die, Chuck Norris will immediately find and kill you, which means you actually prayed for Chuck Norris to kill you, because Chuck Norris will live forever.

Chuck Norris laughs at Tiger Woods' pathetic attempts to get to his level.

Popye does not eat spinach. He eats Chuck Norris hair dyed green.

Chuck Norris' drumset has a cowbell with most of the cow still attached.

Chuck Norris invented the iPad by crushing the skull of a Borg.

Chuck Norris used steel wool and his two middle fingers to knit himself a Chevrolet 4x4 double-cab monster pickup truck.

Chuck Norris was once paralyzed by the pressure of his awesomeness. He then roundhouse kicked his awesomeness to Mars, where it eradicated all life, he then made more awesome.

Chuck Norris beat God in an arm-wrestle......with his feet.

When slenderman turns around, Chuck Norris is watching!

Some people can ride a bike no-handed; Chuck Norris can ride a scooter NO-LEGGED

Someone once gave Chuck Norris the finger.....he keeps it in a pickle jar.

Chuck Norris made Stevie Wonder flinch

Chuck Norris made Eminem back down.

The film Hellbound is actually a documentary. Satan has, in fact, been dead since 1994, when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him.

Believe it or not, people living in the jungles of Southeast Asia wore a Chuck Norris face mask on the back of their heads to prevent tigers from attacking them from behind.

Chuck Norris can crush a polar bear's neck with his biceps.

A chastity belt has never stopped Chuck Norris.

A robber pulled a gun on Chuck Norris. Chuck asked him if be wanted that gun rammed down his his throat or shoved up his ass? The robber peed his pants and ran.

Chuck Norris doesn't type, the buttons get scared and press automaticly.

Chuck Norris now knows all the words to ever exist However, he only recently started learning "mercy" in every language.

Chuck Norris is rolling out his own brand of breakfast cereal in June called Capt'n Chuck's Punch n Crunch.

Step 1: Not giving a shit about the third world. Step 2: An M16 Assault Rifle. Step 3: Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has enough bling to make Mr. T look Amish

Chuck Norris hates to piss in a urinal because the porcelain to too cold.

Chuck Norris won't let a female doctor tell him the results of a blood test unless she's at least an 8 and it's in Morse code with Kegel exercises.

Chuck Norris once caught a limit of Amazon River piranha bare-handed.

Chuck Norris won a boxing match in a straight jacket.

Chuck Norris can explain Integration by substituion to toddlers - and they understand it.

Chuck Norris' crotch cakes do not taste like Twinkies.

Chuck Norris invented a new kind of oil. Cruel Oil.

Chuck Norris can tow a 28 foot boat with his Volkswagen Bug.

Chuck Norris likes to ride shotgun while driving alone, so he can put his feet up and check his stocks, play some guitar and have a good laugh when he gets pulled over and the cop has to fine thin air.

Chuck Norris made a savory green bean casserole out of The Jolly Green Giant.

Chuck Norris can burn CDs with his hands.

George Foreman has a Chuck Norris grill.

Chuck Norris doesn't have aids. But he gives it to people anyways.

Chuck Norris thinks Holden Caulfield is a phoney.

Chuck Norris' drinking habit has gotten to the point where he regularly eats several six-packs while waiting for the truckers to unload the kegs.

St. Paul once said "The letter killeth, but the spirit giveth life". He forget to add that Chuck Norris can "killeth the spirit and taketh life away".

Chuck Norris once granted a genie 3 wishes

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that he couldn't lift it, and then lift it.

One time, Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The building instantly exploded, for no building can contain such levels of awesomeness.

Chuck Norris can end the recession with one phone call.

Chuck Norris decides the winner of American Idol.

Chuck Norris always give more bang for your buck. In other words, he will roundhouse kick you in the face, then take your wallet.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris tries to kill himself, he always dodges the killing blow 'cause he's that awesome.

When Chuck Norris is wrong,he is right,even when he turns left.

Chuck Norris challenged Steven Seagal to a ponytail contest. Seagal backed down immediately.

Chuck Norris has a cave troll.

Chuck Norris does not use a calendar, he decides which year it is.

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

Chuck Norris never has a plan "B'. He never has a fucking plan 'A' either - all he needs is plan 'C' for Chuck.

As an incredible fusion drummer/percussionist, Chuck Norris is all about shoving that groove so deep in the pocket it hits your ball sack with extreme prejudice.

Caine in 'Kung Fu' roams the earth like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can run up a flight of stairs backwards.

'Come with me if you want to live.' That's what Chuck Norris says as he approaches nut. And he means it.

Little-known fact: Lionel Richie wrote 'Dancing On The Ceiling' about the time he attended a Chuck Norris party where he reversed the gravity at his house for the night.

Project Mayhem was inspired by a neighborhood club Chuck Norris formed as a child.

Earthquakes are borne from tectonic plates trembling from severe trepidation of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris jumps in a pool he doesn't get wet the pool gets Chuck Norrised.

Chuck Norris knows at least forty-seven words that end in -gasm.

Chuck Norris can get a McDonald's Happy Meal at Burger King.

With one steely eyed glare, Chuck Norris turned Atilla the Hun into whats now known as the Easter Bunny.

"Oh, so that's why it has been happening!" said the Coast Guard when he realized that Chuck Norris was born in the bermuda triangle.

Chuck Norris is the only gynaecologist in the world who received his credentials based solely on his reputation.

Stonehenge was Chuck Norris' first attempt at a teleporter. And only he knows where the ON switch is.

Chuck Norris doesn't just bend space-time, he can turn it into a goddamn balloon animal.

Chuck Norris is known to save people's lives from heart attacks - so that he can kill them himself.

Chuck Norris was born right when Germany started losing World War 2. COINCIDENCE?!!!!!!!!!

Chuck Norris once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Chuck Norris isn't given tests. He TAKES them.

Chuck Norris once farted 5 times while in the check-out line at a Bass Pro Shop. Three Bass Pro Shop employees were immediately hospitalized after accusing Chuck Norris of attempting to steal a duck call and some stink bait.

Contrary to popular belief, the first Thanksgiving was actually celebrated in 34,587 B.C. after an ancestor of Chuck Norris stabbed to death a Teradactyl that was attacking Fred Flintstone.

Chuck Norris never "attempts" to kill. He succeeds.

Chuck Norris told people not to talk about the Tiananment Square protest

Your odds of surviving a Chuck Norris attack are slightly less than: -1/100.

When Tom created Myspace, his first friend was Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' dogs pick up their own shit.

Chuck Norris went to the church with his son.They stopped in front of a drawing of Jesus.Chuck Norris said: -You see son, that's me with long hair!

Chuck Norris can cut a diamond with a spoon

Chuck Norris' favorite flavor of Kool-Aid is Budweiser.

Chuck Norris wil see you.... NOW!

Chuck Norris doesnt get sick, he holds viruses hostage.