All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris is the reason why space stays "outer".

Chuck Norris is the man who shot Liberty Valance.

Paul Newman has Chuck Norris's Own salad dressing and mayo.

A cobra once bit Chuck Norris. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died

The survival rate for characters in Chuck Norris' movies are so low that people still die when you have it paused.

If you see Chuck Norris screwing your mother, DO NOT APPROACH HIM. Just ignore all of the epic music playing, the explosions and the birds trying to fly in the window, and prepare a grave for her.

The hole in the ozone layer only developed because Chuck Norris decided a darker tan would look good on him.

Martin Luther King may have had a dream, but Chuck Norris had a body count.

There is no adultery mother, there's just Chuck Norris in town.

Anti-deforestation laws prohibit complete listings of Chuck Norris' acomplishments on any paper based product.

Ghost sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories

Chuck Norris has the world's largest baculum. Don't know what that is? Look it up.

If Chuck Norris hits himself, he'll create an infinite loop by countering each blow, a paradox no one can solve. Except Chuck Norris.

Q:What does Chuck Norris eat for breakfast? A:Nails and bullets. His beverage is gasoline.

Chuck Norris had a confirmed kill count of over 50 by his third birthday.

Chuck Norris can give you a vasectomy with a roundhouse kick or a trombone...your choice?

Chuck Norris roasts marshmallows by holding them near his groin for less than 30 seconds.

When Chuck Norris is in Rome.......... The Romans what he does.

Yesterday, while on his way to Wal*Mart, Chuck Norris ran a stop sign...up Steven Seagal's ass.

Chuck Norris knows what it sounds like when doves cry.

Chuck Norris can hover up-side-down in a jet-pack.

Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey. Chuck Norris rode into Jerusalem on a SCUD missile.

When Chuck Norris sings, deaf people start to hear, and mute people start to talk. Too bad, he never sings.

Chuck Norris is NOT ''lovin it''.

Can Chuck Norris kick it? Of course he fucking can.

Chuck Norris was breifly considered for the next Batman movie, but after test shoots, it became clear that it's impossible to film the batroundhouse kick and survive.

Chuck Norris invented a new language called Roundhouse Chuckanese

Chuck Norris visited an island and got bad customer service. That place was Atlantis

Chuck Norris wears alligator boots. He just slips his feet into real live alligators when he does.

Chuck Norris doesn't get mail. He gets chain mail.

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away" Chuck Norris can keep the doctor away with a cheeseburger.

Chuck Norris blows more testosterone into a handkerchief than Arnie can ever hope to have.

UFC actually stands for "Ultimate Fatality by Chuck". To prove this, Chuck Norris challenged the UFC champion. When Chuck entered the cage, the UFC champ pummeled himself to death.

Chuck Norris's Car doesn't have any indicators.

Chuck Norris taught Michael Jackson how to moonwalk.

When Chuck Norris "dots his I's and crosses his T's the spell checker applauds.

You can rearrange the letters to the word, "Omnipotent" to spell Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris pissed on a truck. that truck is now known as Optimus Prime

"The Most Intresting Man in the World" asks Chuck Norris for advice.

Chuck Norris' beard hair can be spun into gold. This is only in theory, for no one has, or will, ever touch Chuck's beard. EVER.

The Exxon Valdez accidently stuck Chuck Norris while he was swimming across the Bearing Sea.

Chuck Norris once caught a Tarpon out of the guppy tank at Wal*Mart.

The Manny Pacquiao-Floyd Mayweather Jr. fight does not push through because CHUCK NORRIS's share is too much. He's asking for $1 Billion.

Chuck Norris was in a Jack Ryan movie. He was The Sum of All Fears.

The Chicago Cubs just signed Chuck Norris to a one year $2.5 billion contract thus assuring a 2012 World Series title. The contract, however, is contingent upon the Cubs also signing Albert Pujols...as Chuck's personal batboy.

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

Nobody knows Easter better than CHUCK NORRIS!!

Just simply witnessing a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to somebody else's face can cause you to get a case of Tourette's syndrone.

Chuck Norris is so strong, he can roundhouse a bubbled paladin and blow his computer up.

Chuck Norris taught Kirk Hammet, Tom Morrello, and Jimi Hendrix. With a ukelele.

Chuck Norris' denim shirt contains three Robin Williams's worth of chest hair.

In an average day, Chuck Norris: kills 74 and a half people sleeps with 120 women eats two large automobiles saves the world thrice, and decimates a small city.

Rocks get stuck between a hard place, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' feminine side is more manly than the manliest man's manly side.

God comes over to Chuck Norrises house to borrow sugar

Chuck Norris killed the Dead Sea, and painted the Red Sea with its blood.

There is a madness to Chuck Norris' method.

Chuck Norris doesn't discriminate he exterminates.

Chuck Norris knows when you have a gerbil up your ass.

Chuck Norris' "little black book" was recently used by the Texas government to compile their last phone directory.

It's a well-known fact that the most lethal substance on Earth is Chuck Norris adrenaline.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that not even Google will be able to find you.

Chuck Norris usually showers by buying several dozen puppies and kittens, then starting up his wood chipper.

Chuck Norris once went over Mach 4 using a hang glider.

Rifle barrels are modeled after Chuck Norris' urethra.

When Chuck Norris rips you a new one, it is actually anatomically superior to your old one. You must thank Lord Norris.

your life will flash before your eyes. that means Chuck Norris has roundhoused you

Chuck Norris can sit in a chair, pull up on the sides, and lift himself off the ground.

When Chuck Norris goes swimming sharks hear scary music.

Chuck Norris was being interviewed and was asked what he thought about politics. Chuck said "I think Joe Biden puts the "Vice" in Vice President"!

Chuck Norris has concealed weapons permits, so he can wear gloves.

Chuck Norris' crotch is considered a weapon of mass destruction.

Chuck Norris solo-ed Everest in shorts and a tank-top.

Chuck Norris can listen to music without speakers.

As a young hoodlum, Chuck Norris would often rob people at bazookapoint.

Doctors have discovered that a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick would cure every disease known to man. However, since it would also shatter your bones and vital organs, it has never been implemented.

Chuck Norris died from a fight. Oh wait, its opposite day.

When zombies encounter people they growl and stumble along after them. When zombies encounter Chuck Norris, they scream and run the opposite direction.

You can call Chuck Noriss' phone with no caller ID.. But Chuck Norris can & WILL call you right back!

When Chuck Norris sits down and puts a pack of microwave popcorn in his lap, it immediately explodes with the power of a nailbomb. It's his favorite party trick.

Chuck Norris cat tie his shoes without laces

Chuck Norris never begs to differ. He just makes you beg for your life.

Ben Franklin discovered Electricity after Chuck Norris tolf him to "Go fly a Kite!"

Chuck Norris defies the laws of physics

Chuck Norris applied for the position of 'God' but was rejected because of over-qualification.

Steven Seagal once took a swing at Chuck Norris. Seagal now runs like a girl in ever film he's in.

When Chuck Norris's Dewott's Hyper Beam misses, it kills someone in Minecraft.

Scientists use Chuck Norris' spectacular kicks to calibrate their earthquake warning systems

Chuck Norris is the only man on Earth who can slice a playing card in half with a pickle.

Chuck Norris fought battles at the Coliseum in Rome as a gladiator with the "wooden sword". When Chuck Norris killed everyone off, he awarded everyone else who stood and watched, there "freedom" including the Emperor.

If The Most Interesting Man in the World were to slap you on the back, you'd put it on your resume. If Chuck Norris were to slap you on the back, your spine would leave the Earth's atmosphere at about Mach 2.

There is no Ninja Turtle cereal because eating ninjas for breakfast is a copyright of Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris was a beverage, he would be a big gulp, because that's what people would when faced by him.

Chuck Norris once screamed "bloody murder" in sign language for the hearing impaired.

Chuck Norris will peel your face like an orange...then squeeze your head for the juice.

All of Chuck Norris' genes are Levi's.

Chuck Norris has erotic three-ways with life and death on a daily basis

Chuck Norris only keeps in touch with his first nine dozen kids - all the others around the world get a quarterly newsletter

Chuck Norris is easily the most intensely awesome thing in the known universe. But of course, anything in the unknown universe would readily agree immediately if asked.

Wolves are hungry like the Chuck Norris.