All Chuck Norris Facts

If you hear Chuck Norris say 'OH SNAP!!', he is most likely referring to your spine.

The last guy who tried to shake the hand of Chuck Norris ended up playing drums for Def Leppard.

Chuck Norris can punch you in the face via messenger pidgeon

It should go without saying Chuck Norris leaves a trail of vanquished supermodels in his wake wherever he goes.

Chuck Norris is the only man who can live with and without women.

The term absolute zero refers to the number of people who will survive if Chuck Norris decides to go on an all-out killing rampage.

Bugs in rugs are as snug as Chuck Norris

One night Ice Cube and Snoop Dog saw Chuck Norris walking the streets of Compton, so they "anonymously" called the police.

You know why alien space ships are called Unidentified Flying Objects? The aliens don't want Chuck Norris to identify them.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? As much wood as Chuck Norris wants it to.

The Most Interesting Man in the world recently met Chuck Norris. He said "meeting Mr. Norris was facinating".

Chuck Norris can disable his shadow.

Immortality is Chuck Norris' middle name.

If you make a spelling or grammar error when typing "Chuck Norris", you immediatly get killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never draws a blank. He draws a chain gun from his underpants, then laughs as he turns you into hummus.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.

Chuck Norris once played Monopoly, but promised he'd never play it again: ONE GREAT DEPRESSION IS ENOUGH!

When Chuck Norris was born he round house kicked the Doctor in the face Slow mo' 3 times for slapping his ass.

Chuck Norris doesn't drive, because all roads lead to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris enjoys playing backyard games with his grandchildren. They often play badminton. But instead of using little sissy racquets & a plastic birdie, they use boat oars & dead chickens.

Chuck Norris once mowed his lawn... With a Nail clipper

Stephen Hawking was Chuck Norris's first attempt at Robot Wars

Chuck Norris is by far the most violent member of the Wu-Tang Clan.

With Chuck Norris, fear calls 911.

Chuck Norris can set fire to a magnifying glass with an ant.

Chuck Norris can kill you as many times as he wants to. He knows CPR.

Chuck Norris once tried to teach a fat, stupid kid Martial Arts. Unsuccessfully. The kid grew up to be Steven Seagal.

Chuck Norris is the way the cookie crumbles.

Chuck Norris can slaughter Lebron at a game of one-on-one. Then he slaughters the spectators.

An observation by Yoda, "Alive still he was. Then Chuck Norris foot he met".

Chuck Norris has a devil-may-be-terrified-of-me attitude.

Chuck Norris once went grocery shopping wearing only a flamethrower.

If Chuck Norris got a teardrop tattoo every time he killed someone, his face would've been completely black by the time he was 11.

Chuck Norris always finds a treasure chest of gold coins in a box of Cracker Jack.

Chuck Norris created "INCEPTION" to allow people to believe that they had a fighting chance. That is why Bruce Lee never beat Chuck Norris In "Way of The Dragon"

Thanksgiving Chuck Norris Fact/Joke Time! Most people have turkey for Thanksgiving. Chuck Norris has chicken for Thanksgiving. "Chicken" meaning "cowards".

All individuals that have remarkably survived a Chuck Norris attack suffer what in medical terms is called 'optical rectumitis'. That being having their assholes kicked out through their eyesockets

Chuck Norris drinks Texas tea.

Chuck Norris' urine is used to disinfect hospital emergency rooms.

Chuck Norris can yell "BOO!!!" in your face with such force, you will shit out your lungs.

Eminem sang "Jimmy Cracked Corn" for Chuck Norris. Immediately following the performance, Chuck Norris cracked Eminem, and nobody cared.

A penguin once made fun of Chuck Norris. In revenge, he set Antarctica on fire. It was successful.

The Rolling Stones found out the hard way Chuck Norris CAN always get what you want.

Chuck Norris can tie two cherry trees together using only his tongue.

God is love. Chuck Norris is fucking awesome.q

The mountain didn't go to Mohammed. It would have for Chuck Norris.

The mayor of San Antonio, TX has hired Chuck Norris to lite his farts for the evening 4th of July fireworks program.

Chuck Norris tried yoga but found strangling gorillas less boring.

Chuck Norris is a pacifist. He can pass-a-fist through your face.

Chuck Norris kicked-in The Amazing Kreskin's face. Thus proving a Chuck Norris attack to be an unpredictable life event.

'Cthulhu' is simply Chuck Norris misspelled.

Chuck Norris invented time travel to fight himself... we refer to the battle as the big bang theory

Chuck Norris once round house kicked a bear while on a survival trek in Siberia. That incident was known as the Tunguska event.

The Icelandic word for "Chuck Norris" is pronounced "google." No joke, google it.

Chuck Norris can satisfy any woman at any time just by looking at her.

If Chuck Norris was the messenger, shoot yourself

Because Chuck Norris likes the videogame Final Fantasy , SQUARE ENIX won't stop making them because the producers know that something bad is going to happen if the finish the series.

Chuck Norris beat the director of 'Good Luck Chuck' to death with a pool cue.

The truth can't handle Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is a proud sponsor of death!

Chuck Norris doesn't clip his nails with nail clippers, he clips his nails with scissors, and they work perfectly.

Little-known fact: Chuck Norris' parents were named Morris and Doris.

We all need somebody to lean on. Except for CHuck Norris.

Chuck Norris picks his nose with a toilet bowl plunger.

Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with one bird

Chuck Norris doesn't shuck oysters. He chucks them.

Chuck Norris is the law. And if you break the law, the law breaks you.

Chuck Norris is really just a manifestation of Pennywise The Clown's fear.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick Batman's prep time

Chuck Norris can nail a hammer into a wall.

Chuck Norris kills the elephant in the room.

There are no facts about Chuck Norris - only understatements.

Chuck Norris' one man "Roller Derby" team always wins while skating around the rink on a rusty garden tiller.

When Chuck Norris brews a strong pot of coffee he uses a flame thrower and 1/2 of Columbia's coffee trees.

Superman has no defense against Kryptonite...and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris enjoys plucking chickens while skydiving.

To prove his mental strenght Chuck Norris listened to Metallica/Lou Reed-collaboration "Lulu" on repeat for a whole day.

Death is Chuck norris's apprentice

For Charlie Sheen winning is just wishful thinking. For Chuck Norris it's a way of life.

Chuck Norris uses Old Faithful as his private bidet.

The new Seven Wonders of the world are: 1. Chuck Norris's left fist 2. Chuck Norris's right fist 3. Chuck Norris's left leg 4. Chuck Norris's right leg 5. Chuck Norris's manhood 6. Chuck Norris's chin 7. Chuck Norris's beard

When Chuck Norris guested on Hell's Kitchen, Gordon Ramsay did not swear once and heartily praised and ate Chuck's offering of burnt toast and pubes.

Chuck Norris won the PBA Championship Rodeo Bull Riding contest by riding Snort, a 6,450 lb Brahma Bull for 4 hrs 27 minutes when Snort finally collapsed. 9 months later, Snort had a calf.

If Chuck Norris sees a Mini Cooper pull up and park, 18 circus clowns had better come out of it!

Chuck Norris never has to get his Ferraris shipped over. He simply goes to Italy, takes one from the lot without paying, gets a run-up through Russia and jumps the Bering Strait.

Chuck Norris used to throw shoes at Dubya all the time.

Chuck Norris was manufactured in Switzerland & is the world's only automaton killing machine ever assembled.

Cancerous growths have been found on tobacco plants growing in fields that Chuck Norris had walked through.

Why are the Desperate Housewives so desperate? Because Chuck Norris doesn't live on their block.

China was once bordering the United States, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it all the way through the Earth.

If Chuck Norris shaved off his beard, there would be no chin... just another fist

Chuck Norris is so tough that he doesn't use the washing-machine. He beats the shit out of the clothes.

Chuck Norris has a wallet made of face.

Chuck Norris broke the mold after he made himself.

There is a saying "Only the good die young". Chuck Norris was born before Christ.

When Chuck Norris steps on a scale and it reads 205, that's not his weight in pounds....that's how many people he's killed.....since stepping on the scale.

Tiger Woods is the Chuck Norris of golf.

Chuck Norris brutally beat the shit out of the rock band Buckcherry, because of their stupid name. He hates when people re-arrange the letters of his sacred name. Wait - oh shit.

Chuck Norris has slept with Carmen Sandiego. She has now fallen for him and stalks him.

Chuck Norris once skydived from the ionosphere. Why? Because he would be the only gold medalist to survive that kind of a fall.