All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris killed Santa Clause, for trespassing.

Chuck Norris always lists his occupation as 'Chuck Norris'

Chuck Norris once caught an eighty pound tuna while spearfishing in a mirage.

A big truck driver challenged Chuck Norris to a fight. Chuck asked him "paper or plastic"? The guy asked "what the hell does that mean"? Chuck said "thats the type of bag you're gonna carry your teeth home in".

Chuck Norris's spinning back-fist was the inspiration for the centrifuge . They just had to slow it down .

When Chuck Norris plays Five Nights at Freddy's, the animatronics don't get him. The animatronics come to him.

Chuck Norris can eat the flesh of banana without peeling it.

In the beginning there was nothing, then Chuck Norris kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job!!"... And that's the story of the universe.

Chuck Norris once hit a homerun and caught it.

Tense your forearm. Now wrap your other hand around the middle of it. That's Chuck Norris' girth.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep he waits.

You know why God took the name God? The name Chuck Norris was already taken.

Chuck Norris ate Hannibal Lecter

Chuck Norris can understand Van Damme.

Chuck Norris often bathes in municipal cesspools. Afterwards, Aquafina, Dasani & Evian are quick to capitalize on this opportunity to purchase low cost purified water.

Chuck Norris' mother was supposed to have triplets. Only one of them was chuck, the other two didnt stand a chance.

When Chuck Norris was a year old, other kids his age were eating strained peas for dinner. Chuck would have a steak, medium rare. And a baked potato.

The city of Pompeii was not destroyed by a volcanic eruption, but rather an eruption from Chuck Norris after having eaten a truckload of Southern Homestyle Chili. He was the only survivor.

If Chuck Norris goes through a turnstile sideways, the new capitol of Thailand will "Busted Turnstile".

Chuck Norris once farted while holding a bic lighter between his bearded ass cheeks. The result is now known as the Atomic Bomb.

There are no crying scenes of Chuck Norris in any of his movies? That's strictly because Chuck Norris never allows stunt doubles for any of his scenes.

we truly never dropped an atomic bomb on Hiroshima, we just dropped Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is all five Beatles.

Chuck Norris Installed linux in his sand watch

Chuck Norris head may be in the clouds but his round house kick is in the back of your face.

The reason why Chuck Norris was made is because hes freaking badass.

Tesla's Optimus robot can fold laundry and sort objects. When it met Chuck Norris, it folded itself.

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a banana.

Iraq doesn't have any weapons of mass destruction. Chuck Norris lives in Ohio.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to vaccume his house, dust refuses to accumulate there.

Chuck Norris doesn't bend light.... he breaks it.

Chuck Norris beat the pebbles from the cement.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Chuck Norris, any day, requires a world-class intensive care unit and a round-the-clock team of surgeons, and even then you probably won't make it.

Chuck Norris is the only survivor of Pai Mei's exploding heart techinque.

Chuck Norris has over eighty million songs on his iPod. But he only listens to Bruce Springsteen.

Chun kuk do- founded by Chuck Norris in 1990- is an amalgamation of Korean tang soo do, shotokan karate, subak, taekkyon, judo and Brazilian jiu-jitsu. In other words, it's the juice that powers his epic roundhouse kicks.

You can't beat Chuck Norris at poker ever. He always has the better hand...and the better fist.

Chuck Norris wrote the songs "Stairway to Heaven" and "Paradise to City" cos he was bored.

Chuck Norris knows where Barack Obama was born.

Chuck Norris challenged a staring contest with Weegee then Weegee turned into Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' sphincter has fangs.

Chuck Norris can leave a message before the beep.

Chuck Norris can pause a movie at the cinema

The following is the short list of things Chuck Norris cannot do:

Why is Phillip's head shaped like a screwdriver? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris recently had to bail his mother out of jail. She was locked up for her role in a Friday night bar fight.

Chuck Norris has licked his elbow twice

Due to the high volume of complaints from victums having a boot removed from their ass, Preparation-H has been Chuck Norris approved.

One time when Chuck Norris got wasted, he found a parked semi-trailer. He pissed in the gas-tank - wich of course was empty - and he filled it just for fun. The semi-trailer is now better known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris is Strong Enough for a Man, But Made For a Woman.

Chuck Norris is the anonymous lucky bastard who won the $157 million Lottery jackpot. What are you going to do about it?

Rambo has a Chuck Norris poster on his wall.

In "Wanted Dead Or Alive", the lyric "I've seen a million faces, and rocked them all" is dedicated to Chuck Norris. Of course, the word 'rocked' is an euphemism for 'roundhose-kicked'.

the number one cause of forest fires is Chuck Norris spit.

Chuck Norris doesn't need haircuts because his hair knows when to back down.

Chuck Norris drinks Mexican water by the gallon.

Chuck Norris strapped a bomb onto himself and ran for an Al-Qaeda camp. Once there, he triggered it and kept on running.

Chuck Norris' toejam sells for over eight hundred dolars a bottle.

For Chuck Norris...In the game Monopoly every space is free parking.

Chuck Norris' hard stare can win a staring contest with a $1 bill.

Why is Chuck Norris awesome? because hes Chuck Norris.

If Chuck Norris gives you a bag of wet mice for a Christmas gift, consider yourself lucky! It could have been something related to his foot and your face.

Due to his jet-setting lifestyle, Chuck Norris knows how to say 'Time to die' in over thirty different languages.

Chuck Norris went into a restaurant and ordered a beef steak. The waiter asked him how would he like his steak cooked - well done, medium or rare. Chuck Norris said - "Alive".

Chuck Norris can rhyme with Orange

Chuck Norris was worshipped as a god by the Eskimos. That is why they had igloos modelled after his signature move.

Chuck Norris fought the Law and Chuck won. No law can hold back Chuck Norris.

When the lord said let there be light, Chuck Norris said say please.

When Chuck Norris Sleeps his nightmares become reality for all the world to see. Fortunately he never sleeps....ever.

Chuck Norris can pick a lock with once of his own nostril hairs

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and even quacks like a duck but Chuck Norris says it's a rare red-breasted sapsucker in heat... It's a rare red-breasted sapsucker and be thankful Chuck let you agree with him.

'Deja Vu' is when nature replays, for the benefit of someone, what Chuck Norris did too quickly for his memory to correctly register

Chuck Norris is the reasion why Justice wargrave shot himself in "then there were none"

Old MacDonald had a farm, EIEIO. Chuck Norris puched him in the face, EIEIO. That's what made Old MacDonald get dyslexia, OIEIE.

Time stops whenever Chuck Norris takes his shades out of his pocket and slowly puts them on.

It was Chuck Norris who taught Mongo, of the "Blazing Saddles" movie fame, how to proerly light a cigar.

Most people get their heat from the sun, the sun gets it heat from a single Chuck Norris roundhouse kick

If you hear Chuck Norris say 'OH SNAP!!', he is most likely referring to your spine.

The last guy who tried to shake the hand of Chuck Norris ended up playing drums for Def Leppard.

Chuck Norris can punch you in the face via messenger pidgeon

It should go without saying Chuck Norris leaves a trail of vanquished supermodels in his wake wherever he goes.

Chuck Norris is the only man who can live with and without women.

The term absolute zero refers to the number of people who will survive if Chuck Norris decides to go on an all-out killing rampage.

Bugs in rugs are as snug as Chuck Norris

One night Ice Cube and Snoop Dog saw Chuck Norris walking the streets of Compton, so they "anonymously" called the police.

You know why alien space ships are called Unidentified Flying Objects? The aliens don't want Chuck Norris to identify them.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? As much wood as Chuck Norris wants it to.

The Most Interesting Man in the world recently met Chuck Norris. He said "meeting Mr. Norris was facinating".

Chuck Norris can disable his shadow.

Immortality is Chuck Norris' middle name.

If you make a spelling or grammar error when typing "Chuck Norris", you immediatly get killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris never draws a blank. He draws a chain gun from his underpants, then laughs as he turns you into hummus.

Chuck Norris once played Monopoly, but promised he'd never play it again: ONE GREAT DEPRESSION IS ENOUGH!

When Chuck Norris was born he round house kicked the Doctor in the face Slow mo' 3 times for slapping his ass.

Chuck Norris doesn't drive, because all roads lead to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris enjoys playing backyard games with his grandchildren. They often play badminton. But instead of using little sissy racquets & a plastic birdie, they use boat oars & dead chickens.

Chuck Norris once mowed his lawn... With a Nail clipper

Stephen Hawking was Chuck Norris's first attempt at Robot Wars

Chuck Norris is by far the most violent member of the Wu-Tang Clan.

With Chuck Norris, fear calls 911.