All Chuck Norris Facts

The welcome mat at Chuck Norris' front door cleverly conceals the alligator pit.

Chuck Norris doesn't get crabs... he gets lobsters

The Cheetah has to outrun the antelope.....not so it can catch it, but in the hopes Chuck Norris will kill the slowest animal, as the Cheetah simply can't outrun him.

Ted Nugent is Chuck Norris' padawan.

Upon leaving a public swimming pool, Chuck Norris then urinates in it.

In the 1980s, Chuck Norris dry fired a gun eastward. The result was the Chernobyl Incident

One factory in Texas decided to motivate their employees by hanging posters of Chuck Norris with the message "Don't Piss Off Chuck -- Do Your Work." Production increased by 500% within 6 months.

why is flag waving on the moon? Chuck Norris was running around

When Chuck Norris watches, the paint dries instantly.

Chuck Norris once went through a McDonald's drive-thru in his Harrier jet. He then came back and flattened it with rockets when he realized they forgot the fries.

Buzz Lightyear found out just how far it is to infinity and beyond after Chuck Norris drop kicked his ass for refusing to come out of his grandson's toy box.

'Original Sin' actually refers to the first time anyone ever tried to fight Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes so he can accidentally roundhouse kick kids in the neck.

Chuck Norris wears boxer shorts made from barbed wire.

Chuck Norris's beard is so powerful that it has a beard itself

If Chuck Norris was anti-social, the world would be a very dangerous place.

Chuck Norris can't feel pain because pain is afraid of him.

Usain Bolt broke the 100m record by accident because he was trying to run away from Chuck Norris

Girls program in VB, men program in C, macho men program in Java, but Chuck Norris programs with voltage levels.

Chuck Norris idea of a toy car is a SSC Ultimate Areo

Chuck Norris can use bulldozer to knock a mosquito off of a bright red macaque's ass.

Chuck Norris got into a fight with himself... and won

What happened to the dinosaurs? Chuck Norris. What happened to Atlantis? Chuck Norris. What happened to the Toltecs? Chuck Norris. Notice a trend yet?

Kirby can't swallow Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris can swallow Kirby.

When Elon Musk needs advice, he texts Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris responds with a roundhouse kick emoji that hasn't been invented yet.

Chuck Norris sneezed in Japan- therefore causing Hiroshima to be bombed.

Doctor's slap babies because their NOT Chuck Norris

"Doom" -- 1) a popular video game. 2) Your inevitable fate if you fight Chuck Norris.

Darth Vader claimed the Death Star matched the power of Chuck Norris. It was then destroyed....... twice.

The Draught of Living Death is not a magical potion or anything like it, it's not even liquid. It's the state of a human which, by some hell of an accident, survived a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

If you fight Chuck Norris, you can not retreat or surrender. He will kill you long before you can do either.

When he was a kid, Chuck Norris' bedroom walls were filled with photos of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can make a depressive manic.

Chuck Norris brung MJ back to life, but screwed up and made Taylor Swift.

What's the difference between Chuck Norris and Mud ? Mud comes off..

Girrafes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Little-known fact: Chuck Norris taught Ike Turner how to play guitar. And the ancient art of the backhand.

Chuck Norris can dribble two bowling balls up a flight of stairs...with his feet.

Do you know why Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his balls because hair doesn't grow on steel!

Chuck Norris cut his own umbilical cord

So Chuck Norris walks into a bar, and comes out an hour later, drunk. There were no survivors in the bar.

Everybody hates Chris. Except Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was born while his mother was lion hunting on the African Savanna. Just seconds later he strangled a hyena with his own umbilical cord.

How long is a piece of strChuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was expelled from kindergarten. His teacher told Chuck he could not be milk monitor so Chuck climbed up on a chair and knocked him out.

Chuck Norris once had a staring contest with a picture of himself and won.

The Dos Equis man once said, "I am the most interesting man in the world." Chuck Norris then said. "Do you want fries with this", then bitch slapped him until he cried out for his mommy.

Chuck Norris survived Alderaan.

Before it became politically incorrect, guys used to participate in the sport of "dwarf tossing". Chuck Norris invented and enjoys the sport of gorilla tossing.

Chuck Norris and Cookie Monster once had a contest to see who ate the most cookies. At the end, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Cookie Monster in the head.

When Chuck Norris has a cavity he drills out the tooth with his cordless drill and uses melted lead for a filling.

Chuck Norris is arguably our country's greatest president.

IF CHUCK NORRIS GIVES YOU A ROUND HOUSE KICK IN YOUR DREAMS YOU REALY DIE

Baldness will be considered sexy only if Chuck Norris goes bald.

Chuck Norris got expelled from school when he was 6. He took Scooby, his pet Wolverine for show and tell.

Chuck Norris won a stareing contest in his sleep.

It can be said that Chuck Norris has a foot fetish - he loves the sight of his own foot disintegrating assholes' heads.

Chuck Norris had a yo-yo when he was a kid. One night he just got bored with it and threw it up into the sky. Perhaps you've seen it.

If Chuck Norris is on your side, then Nationwide becomes irrelevant.

Ozzy Osbourne listens to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sired the E*Trade baby.

Every seven seconds, somewhere in the world, Chuck Norris kills someone.

Chuck Norris won an Olympic gold medal in Tae Kwon Do with a broken neck.

When raining, Chuck Norris doesn't need an umbrella , he can dodge the rain drops.

Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

Chuck Norris' avatar is actually shorter than him.

Nominate Chuck Norris for the new Secretary of Defense!

Neo is The One, the one after Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was born, the doctor immedately put a name tag on his wirst, and a Shoalin Monk put a black belt around his waist. The president gave him a cigar.

Whenever Chuck Norris visits Vatican city, The Pope comes.

Chuck Norris is the one that bottled the mythical Genie in a bottle..

Chuck Norris once flipped a coin getting both heads and tails at the same time.

Horses know not to sneak up behind Chuck Norris!

all the world records were set by Chuck Norris. the people listed are in second place.

If you looked up 'legend' in the dictionary, you would be immediately decapitated by Chuck Norris for being dumb enough to not know that word.

Dimonds are tears solidified from when Chuck Norris was a baby.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a salesman over the telephone.

I carry a gun on my hip because Chuck Norris is too heavy.

Chuck Norris invented walking in slow motion with explosions behind him.

A new one, got on it myself after coming home from holidays - a sure "only Chuck Norris can do THAT!" Chuck Norris can go through airport security without being humiliated

If Chuck Norris gave you a back rub, the coroner would swear you swallowed a hand grenade.

Homeless people are afraid to ask Chuck Norris for change. The last guy who did got a half dollar scissor kicked up his ass...twice.

The Big Kahuna is simply Hawaiian coast guard slang for the approaching of the Chuck Norris dong.

Teacher: why is the sky blue? Student: the sky is blue because Chuck Norris's favorite color is blue. Teacher: 100/100

CHUCK NORRIS is the ancestor of the one-celled bacteria

Chuck Norris was recently asked what he thought of Nancy Pelosi? Chuck said he thinks Nancy Pelosi is uglier than a bucket of buttholes. There were no further questions.

Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked is as likely as seeing a vampire with a suntan.

Chuck Norris trims his fingernails with a chainsaw.

If you ever have to go to prison, get "property of Chuck Norris" tattooed on your body and you can drop the soap with no fear.

Some are born great (Chuck Norris), some achieve greatness (Chuck Norris) and some have greatness thrust upon them (Chuck Norris).

Little known fact: Chuck Norris is also a world-class classical pianist. He recently quit, however, stating that he hated playing over the sounds of audience members' heads exploding out of sheer sensory overload.

Chuck Norris action figures have been banned in the United States and Mexico due to the roundhouse action related to eye loss in children.

What is the definition of infinity? The number of people Chuck Norris has roundhouse kicked in the face.

When Chuck Norris gets a flat tyre, he doesn't need a jack, he just lies under his car and reads Hustler.

Think Green...Think Chuck Norris!

The timeless movie classic "Clash of the Titans" is actually based on a 1974 Detroit Bar Fight involving Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, God, and all five members of AC/DC.

September 11, 2001- The World Paper Airplane Throwing Championships were held in California...Chuck Norris won when his 4 best throws landed somewhere on the East Coast.

Humans believe in GOD.GOd believes in DEATH.DEATH believes in CHUCK NORRIS

The Avatar was created by Chuck Norris uppercutting a smurf.

Chuck Norris can piss his name in mid-air.