All Chuck Norris Facts

The fall of Berlin wall was caused by Chuck Norris fart.

When Chuck Norris was 6, he and his friend Billy both got new 2 wheelers. Billy got a Schwinn and Chuck got a Harley Fat Boy.

As a toddler, Chuck Norris built a fort out of legos. That fort was known as The Alamo.

The Chuck Norris family distillery in Waco, TX produces a smooth sipping whiskey that is 134% alcohol and appropriately labeled NorrisShine.

If Chuck Norris roundhouse kick Bruce banner he would not get angry, he would be cured and never again will transform in the hulk, cause Chuck Norris kicks have healing properties. Either you get cured or die

Chuck Norris won on a special celebrity episode of America's Got Talent by playing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" with a pair of cymbals.

Hurrican Katrina was caused after Chuck Norris ate a bad burrito.

Even Queens, Kings & most adult twins prefer Chuck Norris sized beds.

Chuck Norris could land a whale with his wedding tackle.

Chuck Norris changes saw blades while using the saw!

Once Chuck Norris died just to see how it feels like to be dead. The next day he resurrected himself and roundhouse kicked everyone who celebrated his temporary death.

Upon meeting Chuck Norris for the first time, always refer to your girlfriend as 'my humble offering'.

Chuck Norris can murder you with his tonsils.

Chuck Norris can count to 577 on his toes.

Clearly, the Iranians don't know that Chuck Norris is a Jew.

Chuck Norris has survived in every possible geographic location on Earth, as well as 7 on the moon and 2 on Mars.

You've heard of Mount Everest. It's actually a pile of dead people in Chuck Norris' back yard.

Chuck Norris can put his contact lenses in while blindfolded.

Adam and Eve weren't the first people on Earth, Chuck Norris just kept a low profile.

Chuck Norris was banned from competing in the National Karate Championship. Everyone he competed with the year before ended up in the Special Olympics.

Chuck Norris can kill you in a punch

Big Brother in Orwell's 1984 was really Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is a PhD in Pain. However, his advances in the field of Pleasure have earned him a Nobel Prize.

Chuck Norris's milkshake brings everybody to the yard.....

When Chuck Norris stares at the sun, the sun blinks.

Chuck Norris loves you. The proof: You're still alive, aren't you?

Just before killing someone, Chuck Norris likes to say 'where's your god now?'

Chuck Norris easily on the latest 'Iron Chef America' contest when he prepared and served the judges a knuckle sandwich loaded with C-4.

Chuck Norris buy groceries with his driver's license.

The signs outside of Chuck Norris' properties all say "TRESPASSERS WILL BE NORRISED"

people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones Chuck Norris can throw glass at stone houses

Chuck Norris doesn't 'give you a wedgie'; he slices you in half with your own underwear.

When Chuck Norris uses a bow and arrow, the ghost of Robin Hood appears with a notebook

As a kid, Chuck Norris washed himself with a special sponge. We now know the sponge as Spongebob.

Chuck Norris rocks a sweet beard of power.

Tungsten steel was discovered in Chuck Norris' DNA.

Chuck Norris can hammer nails with a screwdriver.

Chuck Norris does not have a cell phone. If he wants to talk to you, he will shout.

The last time Chuck Norris farted, Steven Seagal was born

Chuck Norris ride into town on Friday, stayed three Nights, the rode out again on Friday. On a horse named Steve.

Keith Stone thinks Chuck Norris is smooth.

Chuck Norris can check out books from the Library of Congress

there is no Global warming. when Chuck Norris farts the globe warms.

Hilter died the day after Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence... i think not.

Chuck Norris will not allow his image to be associated with losers! That's why he changed the title of his syndicated TV series from 'Walker, Texas Ranger' to 'Walker, St Louis Cardinal'.

Chuck Norris has an aquarium in his house and inside is the lock ness monster.

On his last camping trip, Chuck Norris used a live porcupine for a pillow.

Chuck Norris once turned a mountain into a molehill.

America's next top model is really a competition of who gets to have Chuck Norris's child.

Kids play jumprope. Chuck Norris plays jumpanaconda.

Every Thanksgiving, millions of people are thankful that Chuck Norris has allowed them to continue to live.

The Grim Reaper's idol is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once visited a convent in the desert. Since that day it has been known as the Bunny Ranch.

Chuck Norris chiseled Snoop Dog's snizzel.

5 star New York restaurants use Chuck Norris' toe jam as both a saffron and truffle substitute.

Chuck Norris can kill a red dragon with his level 1 mage using a single magic missile.. immediately followed by a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can track a bloodhound.

Fact 4557 has been deleted by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs

There was once life on Mars. Except they made fun of Chuck Norris. What happened next was a mass extinction.

Those big men escorting Chuck Norris during public appearances aren't body guards, they're in the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Chuck Norris was once called to a trial as a witness. After intense questioning Chuck gave the Judge twenty years hard labour for wasting his time.

Everyone wonders what caused the Big Bang. Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once raised over $2.5 billion for charity in 2 hours using the slogan "Give, or I'll hurt you."

Chuck Norris can win a gunfight without firing a shot. And without a gun.

Chuck Norris does not speak... The words flee out of his mounth out of sheer terror, but in the exact order Chuck wants them to. I am sure you know why.

If you ever talk to a woman who has been on a date with Chuck Norris, and she says, "he was a little pushy", you know she's lying. Chuck Norris isn't 'a little' anything.

When will soccer become popular in the United States? When Chuck Norris becomes a fan.

Chuck Norris can make a carpet fly

Chuck Norris likes to pull Steven Segal's girly little ponytail and then stare at him when he turns around, daring him to make the first move.

Miss America took Chuck Norris to his Senior Prom.

Chuck Norris has never been called for jury duty. They know that Chuck literally would be Judge, jury and executioner if they did.

Chuck Norris can levitate birds.

Plato got his facts wrong. It was Chuck Norris that destroyed Atlantis.

Chuck Norris never reads a book. The book reads for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was challenged to a fight by the high school bully, so Chuck proceeded to kick the crap out of him. Chuck was in the fifth grade at the time.

Lightning is like a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in the face. In a flash it's gone. Both lightning & your face.

Years ago, Chuck Norris was asked to become a member of the Beach Boys. Chuck declined but had he joined, they were going to change their name to the Beach Men.

Chuck Norris can see Russia from his house.

You bet your ass Chuck Norris' penny-farthing is the size of a goddamn ferris wheel

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.

When Chuck Norris urinates the whole world must flush their toilets.

Chuck Norris took the dingo's baby.

Some people say that god can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim on land

Chuck Norris can vividly remember tomorrow.

Chuck Norris dosnt need a keyboard he tells the computer to write something and it does

Chuck Norris once did a hippy chick. Their lovechild is Captain Planet.

Chuck Norris doesn't hug trees, he just breaks bulldozers.

Little known fact: the Internet would've shut down from lack of interest around 2005 if it wasn't for Chuck Norris facts.

Osama Bin Laden was not buried at sea. His body was handed over to Chuck Norris for "proper disposal."

In 1983, the Department of Transportation required that Chuck Norris wear a Catalytic convertor over his ass to prevent ozone depletion. It was later determined by the Environmental Protection Agency that it wasn't enough to prevent global warming.

Chuck Norris is who told Frank the Rabbit the world will end in 28 days.

Mosses did not parted the Red Sea. Chuck Norris did. The Bible got confused because Mosses and Chuck Norris sound so much alike.

Chuck Norris has a chainsaw bayonet attached to the end of his gatling gun. That's how he likes it.

In space, no one can hear you scream..... apart from Chuck Norris. He hears everything!

Chuck Norris can slam dunk a bowling ball from the half court line of a tennis court.

Once I thought water was rain till I took a trip to outer space and saw Chuck Norris peeing on the earth.

Chuck Norris delights in having BLT sandwiches for lunch! But understandably his BLT's are made of Barracuda, Leaches & Tarantulas nn buttered Texas Toast.

Chuck Norris never cries, in fact he does the exact opposite. His eyes suck in other people's tears.

Chuck Norris can take a selfie with both hands tied behind his back