All Chuck Norris Facts

5 star New York restaurants use Chuck Norris' toe jam as both a saffron and truffle substitute.

Chuck Norris can kill a red dragon with his level 1 mage using a single magic missile.. immediately followed by a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris can track a bloodhound.

Fact 4557 has been deleted by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs

There was once life on Mars. Except they made fun of Chuck Norris. What happened next was a mass extinction.

Those big men escorting Chuck Norris during public appearances aren't body guards, they're in the Federal Witness Protection Program.

Chuck Norris was once called to a trial as a witness. After intense questioning Chuck gave the Judge twenty years hard labour for wasting his time.

Everyone wonders what caused the Big Bang. Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris don't play that shit.

Chuck Norris once raised over $2.5 billion for charity in 2 hours using the slogan "Give, or I'll hurt you."

Chuck Norris knows you love this shit.

Chuck Norris was the original star for the movie Pacific Rim. The director had to fire Chuck when he continued to single handedly kick the shit out of the Kijus.

Chuck Norris can win a gunfight without firing a shot. And without a gun.

Chuck Norris does not speak... The words flee out of his mounth out of sheer terror, but in the exact order Chuck wants them to. I am sure you know why.

If you ever talk to a woman who has been on a date with Chuck Norris, and she says, "he was a little pushy", you know she's lying. Chuck Norris isn't 'a little' anything.

When will soccer become popular in the United States? When Chuck Norris becomes a fan.

Chuck Norris can make a carpet fly

Chuck Norris likes to pull Steven Segal's girly little ponytail and then stare at him when he turns around, daring him to make the first move.

Miss America took Chuck Norris to his Senior Prom.

Chuck Norris has never been called for jury duty. They know that Chuck literally would be Judge, jury and executioner if they did.

Chuck Norris can levitate birds.

Plato got his facts wrong. It was Chuck Norris that destroyed Atlantis.

Chuck Norris never reads a book. The book reads for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was challenged to a fight by the high school bully, so Chuck proceeded to kick the crap out of him. Chuck was in the fifth grade at the time.

Lightning is like a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick in the face. In a flash it's gone. Both lightning & your face.

Years ago, Chuck Norris was asked to become a member of the Beach Boys. Chuck declined but had he joined, they were going to change their name to the Beach Men.

Chuck Norris can see Russia from his house.

You bet your ass Chuck Norris' penny-farthing is the size of a goddamn ferris wheel

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.

When Chuck Norris urinates the whole world must flush their toilets.

Chuck Norris took the dingo's baby.

Some people say that god can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim on land

Chuck Norris can vividly remember tomorrow.

Chuck Norris dosnt need a keyboard he tells the computer to write something and it does

Chuck Norris once did a hippy chick. Their lovechild is Captain Planet.

Chuck Norris doesn't hug trees, he just breaks bulldozers.

Little known fact: the Internet would've shut down from lack of interest around 2005 if it wasn't for Chuck Norris facts.

Osama Bin Laden was not buried at sea. His body was handed over to Chuck Norris for "proper disposal."

In 1983, the Department of Transportation required that Chuck Norris wear a Catalytic convertor over his ass to prevent ozone depletion. It was later determined by the Environmental Protection Agency that it wasn't enough to prevent global warming.

Chuck Norris is who told Frank the Rabbit the world will end in 28 days.

Mosses did not parted the Red Sea. Chuck Norris did. The Bible got confused because Mosses and Chuck Norris sound so much alike.

Chuck Norris has a chainsaw bayonet attached to the end of his gatling gun. That's how he likes it.

In space, no one can hear you scream..... apart from Chuck Norris. He hears everything!

Chuck Norris can slam dunk a bowling ball from the half court line of a tennis court.

Once I thought water was rain till I took a trip to outer space and saw Chuck Norris peeing on the earth.

Chuck Norris delights in having BLT sandwiches for lunch! But understandably his BLT's are made of Barracuda, Leaches & Tarantulas nn buttered Texas Toast.

Chuck Norris never cries, in fact he does the exact opposite. His eyes suck in other people's tears.

Chuck Norris can take a selfie with both hands tied behind his back

Chuck Norris sustained a serious laceration during a sword demonstration. Instead of going to the ER, Chuck fixed his wound with a staple gun.

Chuck Norris can win America's Got Talent on the first episode.

What came first the Chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris did.

Chuck Norris uses a Gatling gun as an egg whisk.

Cats have Chuck Norris-like reflexes.

If you look up Chuck Norris in the dictionary, you will get Round house Kicked in the face, or the balls, depending on how you are holding the dictionary.

Chuck Norris doesn't need Twitter, he's already following you.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a bbq grill brush and white phosphorus.

Chuck Norris won the Tour De France on a stationary bike.

Chuck Norris flashes the peace sign a lot because it's the easiest way to go for the eyes.

If Chuck Norris gets pulled over, HE lets the policeman off with a warning.

Chuck Norris survived his execution. His executioners did not.

When Chuck Norris speaks, everyone can understand him in their own tongue.

Chuck Norris lit a fart on the Hindenburg.

During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

Bruce Lee died from a delayed reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face in Way of the Dragon.

Wayne Gretzky is so great because Chuck Norris was a good friend of his. He just wouldn't admit it publically, b/c Chuck Norris felt that it's about time that anyone else but him got the attention. The media is that fucking annoying.

Chuck Norris opens his Dos Equis beer bottles with The Most Interesting Man in the World's asshole.

Chuck Norris can put a plane in reverse.

Chuck Norris is the one that establishes all 'No man's lands'

Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond.

Gangsters scare their children with stories of Keyser Soze. Keyser Soze just says the words 'Chuck' or 'Norris' to scare his; even Soze wouldn't fully say 'Chuck Norris' to his kids, that would be sick.

After the start of the race, Chuck Norris took a two day vacation in Italy, eviscerated a Yeti in Switzerland, then won the Tour de France by riding backwards on a tricycle while potty training a wolverine.

Chuck Norris occasionally suffers from insomnia. When this happens, Chuck simply knocks himself out.

Chuck Norris once consumed a 40lb sack of rice in under 8 minutes... using a single chopstick.

Chuck Norris can accurately predict the past.

Chuck Norris is the only person ever to ace a Rorschach test.

When Chuck Norris goes fishing, he doesn't use a fishing rod. He simply points to fish and says "you, you, you, you, you, in the bucket!"

Chuck Norris once chugged a quart of moonshine and immediately pissed out a fifth of Goldschlager.

Chuck Norris recently received a Nobel Prize for his groundbreaking role in "Firewalker".

If suddenly the world was taken over by aliens...everyone would be made their slaves and Chuck Norris would be made their king, no questions asked.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a furnace. He heats his house by scaring the molecules into moving faster.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole watermelon in one bite. The next day he crapped out 4 hammers, 3 turtles, 2 large pizzas, and 1 eggshell. That was 22 years ago.

Apparently, somebody must have told Mr. Ed that Chuck Norris named his one-eyed warrior Willlllbur.

Casanova was a real Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can eMail a roundhouse kick.

Effigies get burnt in Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't always get into fights but when he does you see some serious shit.

Chuck Norris has a set of hips made for war.

Chuck Norris polishes the marble floors of his palaces by moonwalking around them.

Chuck Norris ripped soneone's mouth up and told them to SHUT UP.

Antarctica was made by sand everywhere.Then Chuck Norris used a flamethrower to turn it into ice. Finally it got so cold that it started snowing. And its also how winter was made.

The Looney Tunes were originally called just The Tunes... until Chuck Norris made them Looney!

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own two hands

Chuck Norris can charge a cars battery by connecting the cables to his nipples

Chuck Norris' real name was Uzzy Killington. He changed it to Chuck Norris because it sounded tougher.

Chuck Norris is so tough that he always bathes and showers in cold water.

White noise is just the gathered screams of Chuck Norris' victims.

Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap

Chuck Norris doesn't bench press weight sets, he bench presses FREIGHT TRAINS!

Don't tell Chuck Norris What to bring to a BBQ. Chuck Norris only brings the pain.