All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris sustained a serious laceration during a sword demonstration. Instead of going to the ER, Chuck fixed his wound with a staple gun.

Chuck Norris can win America's Got Talent on the first episode.

What came first the Chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris did.

Chuck Norris uses a Gatling gun as an egg whisk.

Cats have Chuck Norris-like reflexes.

If you look up Chuck Norris in the dictionary, you will get Round house Kicked in the face, or the balls, depending on how you are holding the dictionary.

Chuck Norris doesn't need Twitter, he's already following you.

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a bbq grill brush and white phosphorus.

Chuck Norris won the Tour De France on a stationary bike.

Chuck Norris flashes the peace sign a lot because it's the easiest way to go for the eyes.

If Chuck Norris gets pulled over, HE lets the policeman off with a warning.

Chuck Norris survived his execution. His executioners did not.

When Chuck Norris speaks, everyone can understand him in their own tongue.

Chuck Norris lit a fart on the Hindenburg.

During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

Bruce Lee died from a delayed reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face in Way of the Dragon.

Chuck Norris opens his Dos Equis beer bottles with The Most Interesting Man in the World's asshole.

Chuck Norris can put a plane in reverse.

Chuck Norris is the one that establishes all 'No man's lands'

Chuck Norris doesn't love Raymond.

Gangsters scare their children with stories of Keyser Soze. Keyser Soze just says the words 'Chuck' or 'Norris' to scare his; even Soze wouldn't fully say 'Chuck Norris' to his kids, that would be sick.

After the start of the race, Chuck Norris took a two day vacation in Italy, eviscerated a Yeti in Switzerland, then won the Tour de France by riding backwards on a tricycle while potty training a wolverine.

Chuck Norris occasionally suffers from insomnia. When this happens, Chuck simply knocks himself out.

Chuck Norris once consumed a 40lb sack of rice in under 8 minutes... using a single chopstick.

Chuck Norris can accurately predict the past.

Chuck Norris is the only person ever to ace a Rorschach test.

When Chuck Norris goes fishing, he doesn't use a fishing rod. He simply points to fish and says "you, you, you, you, you, in the bucket!"

Chuck Norris once chugged a quart of moonshine and immediately pissed out a fifth of Goldschlager.

Chuck Norris recently received a Nobel Prize for his groundbreaking role in "Firewalker".

If suddenly the world was taken over by aliens...everyone would be made their slaves and Chuck Norris would be made their king, no questions asked.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a furnace. He heats his house by scaring the molecules into moving faster.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole watermelon in one bite. The next day he crapped out 4 hammers, 3 turtles, 2 large pizzas, and 1 eggshell. That was 22 years ago.

Apparently, somebody must have told Mr. Ed that Chuck Norris named his one-eyed warrior Willlllbur.

Casanova was a real Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can eMail a roundhouse kick.

Effigies get burnt in Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has a set of hips made for war.

Chuck Norris polishes the marble floors of his palaces by moonwalking around them.

Chuck Norris ripped soneone's mouth up and told them to SHUT UP.

Antarctica was made by sand everywhere.Then Chuck Norris used a flamethrower to turn it into ice. Finally it got so cold that it started snowing. And its also how winter was made.

The Looney Tunes were originally called just The Tunes... until Chuck Norris made them Looney!

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own two hands

Chuck Norris' real name was Uzzy Killington. He changed it to Chuck Norris because it sounded tougher.

Chuck Norris is so tough that he always bathes and showers in cold water.

White noise is just the gathered screams of Chuck Norris' victims.

Chuck Norris can strike a match on a bar of soap

Chuck Norris doesn't bench press weight sets, he bench presses FREIGHT TRAINS!

Don't tell Chuck Norris What to bring to a BBQ. Chuck Norris only brings the pain.

you know why justin bieber never hit puberty because Chuck Norris controls his growth...

Chuck Norris once look down at all the destruction and chaos he had caused and he thought it ..... GOOD

Chuck Norris never gets 'caught' in the crossfire. He revels in it.

The average human tongue has over 2,000 taste buds. Chuck Norris' tongue only needs four: to taste beer, meat, cigars and tang.

Chuck Norris once killed the alpha-male of a pack of hyenas with a blowgun. The remaining hyenas were permanately blinded by the muzzle flash.

Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face

Chuck Norris can draw a circle with edges without a pencil.

The U.S. Government has come up with a new form of capitol punishment called 'Lethal Ejection'. It's where Chuck Norris throws the death row inmate through the side door of a Boeing 737 at 35,000 feet.

Typing 'walker' into a search engine will yield more results for 'Paul Walker' than for 'Walker Texas Ranger'. Which is why Chuck Norris murdered him.

The ten commandments abide to everyone except Chuck Norris because there is no superior to him

When Chuck Norris was 3 he got a tricycle. When he was 4 he was bored with it and installed Harley V-Twin engine.

One thing Chuck Norris cannot do, is tenderizing meat, once he tried it it got pulverized.

Meteors are actually people blazing down to Earth after having been roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris into space for telling bad jokes about him.

The 3D Chuck Norris movie was rated RRRR because no one made it out of the theater. No one ever crosses Chuck Norris!

When Chuck Norris' balls dropped, the Earth itself wobbled on its axis.

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Chuck Norris can beat you up with a grain of sand

Chuck Norris can make a vivacious banana spilt of out a rotten turnip, head cheese, goat gonads and a 1/2 pint of Wild Turkey topped with dingle berries.

Chicken tastes like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once wrote a book. Its called the Bible.

Aliens won't invade until Chuck Norris dies.

Keep calm and carry on. Or Chuck Norris will kill you.

Chuck Norris' car wash mitt is made from Donald Trumps wig, with his head still in it.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite which interestingly is the scientific name given to Chuck Norris' boogers.

Chuck Norris can tell Simon what to do.

Chuck Norris' black belt is blacker than the inside of Wilt Chamberlain's leather-lined coffin on a moonless midnight.

Chuck Norris has decided the world will not end on 12/12/12.

In the beginning, Chuck Norris was the Fist, and the Fist was Norris. Chuck Norris saw that this was good. Chuck Norris then said then "let there be Pain from the fist", and then there was Pain....He saw that this was good.

Chuck Norris was the reason why dinosaurs are extinct.

The greatest honor Chuck Norris' mom ever received was giving birth to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can escape a Black Hole

Contrary to popular belief, the groundhog does not fear seeing its shadow. It actually fears seeing Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris jumped out of the fire into a bigger fire, Chuck Norris doesn't need a frying pan

Chuck Norris thinks outside the box,then roundhouse kicks the box into oblivion.

Of course Chuck Norris taught the Joker the pencil trick.

Chuck Norris says that crying is actually allergic reactions to feelings.

Chuck Norris is allowed to say "ni" to The Knights Who Say Ni.

Chuck Norris overpassed the speed of light.

Chuck Norris can calculate letters.

Every morning, Chuck Norris wakes up, gets out of bed, yawns, and scratches his balls with an electric egg beater.

Chuck Norris voted once, and automatically had a degree from the Electoral College.

Chuck Norris' childhood macaroni art is on display at the Smithsonian.

Chuck Norris' idea of a relaxing evening stroll is walking through East Detroit at midnight.

Chuck Norris has an IMAX television in his bedroom

Chuck Norris casually goes where no man has ever gone before.

Chuck Norris terminated the terminator.

Chuck Norris is the only thing that matters to Metallica.

Chuck Norris is allowed to have pudding without eating his meat.

Chuck Norris' bowel movements smell like vanilla incense

Chuck Norris can smell in 3-D.

Everybody hurts, sometimes... everyone except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't fan the flames of jealousy - he farts on it.