All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris won the 2014 Pikes Peak Hillclimb in a shopping cart.

Chuck Norris ripped the horn off of the world's last unicorn. He made a scrimshawed knife handle out of it.

After each of his trademark orgies, Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. He instead hangs upside-down from the ceiling and stares at his chosen ones until they put their clothes on and get the fuck out so the next group can enter.

Chuck Norris doesn't pay attention - attention pays him.

Chuck Norris does not believe in discrimination based on sex, age, race, religion, culture or geography - when it comes to his roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris can walk through a hurricane and not have his cigar lose its flame.

On his days off Chuck Norris actually gets along with people quite well. Chuck Norris never takes a day off.

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

Chuck Norris' favourite alcohol is Johnny Walker: Texas Ranger

FATWA senders-- Molly Norris is Chuck Norris's little sister

Chuck Norris would never swing from a chandoleer. He would devour it in one jump.

If you don't want to die alone, take a friend with you to Chuck Norris' house.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat. He refuels.

Once a vampire sprang at Chuck Norris in the dark. Chuck Norris ate the poor create raw and alive.

Chuck Norris' first word was 'apocalypse'.

Chuck Norris passes sarin gas.

*Chuck Norris is an acronym, it means: Crushing Heads Under Cars and Kicking Ninjas Over Rail Roads and Into Space

Daenerys Targaryen is the "Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea," the "Breaker of Chains," and "Mother of Dragons." She would trade all that and more to become "Woman of Chuck Norris."

Orange rhymes with Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' last name is in the android dictionary

If your teacher gets angry because you put Chuck Norris as an answer in your test, he/she isn't mad because of that answer, your teacher is in fact jealous because you are smarter than him/her.

Chuck Norris walked into a beauty parlor........ They didn't do anything to him!

Those who fight Chuck Norris can not retreat or surrender. They're dead long before they can do either.

Chuck Norris is the only one that can kill people that can't die!

Chuck Norris can Head Plank you anytime he wants too.

Chuck Norris once paid 25 cents for a $1.00 Snickers Bar and got $20.00 back in change.

Any movie featuring Chuck Norris in any way is classified as a Chuckumentary.

Disco, the Latin language, and Dinosaurs: all unfortunate victims of Chuck Norris.

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, for the result is only death.

Osama Bin Laden's current location: gaffer-taped to the underside of Chuck Norris' Hummer. Norris will hand him in after he has returned from his road trip to Alaska.

Chuck Norris' go-cart is tricked out with twin gatling guns, stinger missiles, an 8,000 horsepower engine and a state-of-th-art sound system. And it can fly.

Chuck Norris can un-fuck a pregnant woman.

Chuck Norris doesn't give his wife anniversary presents. The honer of being Mrs Chuck Norris is enough for her.

Chuck Norris is a true conservationist. He always reassembles his exploded grenades for reuse.

Chuck Norris was once in a catch 22, but he roundhouse kicked it down to a 12 pack and literally drank his problems away.

Chuck Norris can read braille by smelling the paper.

Chuck Norris uses a stunt double for his crying scenes.

Chuck Norris CAN kill you in your dreams.

Thank Chuck norris for having it your way at Burger king!

Trying to get the drop on Chuck Norris is like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube.

The first roundhouse kick of Chuck Norris made Pangaea turn into six different continents, THEN he decided which was the North and South

Chuck Norris knows the identity of the Navy Seal's that killed Osama bin Laden it is something that even President Obama does not know or will ever know.

When Chuck Norris wants bacon, he roundhouse kicks a pig until it is dead.

Adam and Eve did not become afraid because they ate the fruit. They were afraid of Chuck Norris because they knew what was good for them.

Chuck Norris created Canada when he kicked all the Liberals out of America.

Chuck Norris does not go swimming, water just wants the be around hime

Chuck Norris doesn't use keys, he always kicks the door in.

Chuck Norris can sell BLT sandwiches in a Mosque.

The 1st time Chuck Norris tried bowling he rolled a 301.

Chuck Norris doesn't look at the weather forecast. He DECIDES what the weather will be.

Due to a temporal anomaly not yet fully understood, the sun does actually shine out of Chuck Norris' ass.

If you hold Chuck Norris's cowboys boot to your ear, you can hear the riff from 'Rock You Like a Hurricane.'

When Chuck Norris was in the fourth grade, he gave HIS TEACHER detention.

Chuck Norris can de-forest 5 acres of the Amazon using a butterknife, a boomerang, and a pair of pliers.

The Dali Lama said that violence is wrong. Chuck Norris backhanded him.

If Barney and Bob the Builder had a swimming contest, you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was never aware of the filming of Walker Texas Ranger

Chuck Norris asked his nurse to help him go take a piss. Chuck just had surgery and his Doctor told him not to lift anything over 10 pounds.

Chuck Norris doesn't have any greens or potatoes with his steak. He has a second steak.

James Cameron did not make Avatar Chuck Norris did he made it from a Text Message.

Chuck Norris can prepare a 5 star gourmet dinner out of dirt, toejam and Wheaties.

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn. Instead, he just dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris can push himself in a wheelbarrow.

When Chuck Norris breaks wind, it stays broken.

Chuck Norris wouldn't touch you with a barge-pole. He will impale you with it.

Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing around the world to the point where he was looking at the back of his own head.

Chuck Norris is a master of the ancient art of Feng Shui. He will without warning walk into your house, destroy all your furniture, choke you to death, then bill your family.

It is possible to look to the left and right at the same time with just a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris

A little know fact is that ObamaCare pays for Morphine, Oxycontin and reconstructive surgery for those few survivors of a Chuck Norris beating.

When Chuck Norris gets really mad, he raises the roof. LITERALLY.

Chuck Norris can wheelie a unicycle.

Some people install alarm systems. Others install Chuck Norris door mats. No one has the balls to walk on Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is a nightmare on freddie kruegers street

Chuck Norris is made of violence.

Making eye contact with Chuck Norris is a great way to get your spine removed

Chuck Norris once listened to an entire song....on mute

Chuck Norris can start a fire by rubbing 2 ice cubes together.

If you're ever stupid enough to ask for Chuck Norris' credentials, expect to witness something completely mind-blowing and impossibly awesome just before your brutal death.

Chuck Norris' beard can speak most east Asian languages and several regional dialects, through surprisingly with a recognizably Irish accent to the native ear.

Chuck Norris can get a checkmate in only one move.

Chuck Norris wins Miss Universe with an Gorilla disguise

Chuck Norris can draw a square with only 3 lines...

Burger King once tried to sue Chuck Norris for copy write infringment because he has a sign on his front gate that says "Home of the Whopper". They lost

Chuck Norris has eyes in the back of his head. Yeah,literally - in the back of his head.

Chuck Norris' amps used to go to eleven, but he recently hot-rodded them so they now go to infinity.

The fastest and most effective way to die is to point a gun at Chuck Norris.

Don Juan was a real Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris makes big girls cry

The only time Chuck Norris says hi is never

Chuck Norris invented guns so the rest of us have a fighting chance....

Chuck Norris can knock you down with a feather. But he prefers a savage roundhouse kick to the brain.

Chuck Norris can run a nuclear power station using a rowing machine.

The very last cockroach that survives a nuclear holocaust will die under the boot-heel of Chuck Norris

When is Chuck Norris annoyed with you, he will cut your head and throw it to your face.

Chuck Norris once revived a dead, beached Humpback Whale by performing CPR and then throwing it back into the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris can perform a three-point turn. With a tractor trailer. In an alley.

Aliens do exist, they are just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they invade

Chuck Norris once knocked himself out with his own line drive when he slid into second.

Chuck Norris eventually found God, terrified and in phoetal position. NO ONE hides from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can write Haiku verse in Hex.