All Chuck Norris Facts

you know why justin bieber never hit puberty because Chuck Norris controls his growth...

Chuck Norris once look down at all the destruction and chaos he had caused and he thought it ..... GOOD

Chuck Norris never gets 'caught' in the crossfire. He revels in it.

The average human tongue has over 2,000 taste buds. Chuck Norris' tongue only needs four: to taste beer, meat, cigars and tang.

Chuck Norris once killed the alpha-male of a pack of hyenas with a blowgun. The remaining hyenas were permanately blinded by the muzzle flash.

Chuck Norris put humpty dumpty back together again, only to roundhouse kick him in the face

Chuck Norris can draw a circle with edges without a pencil.

The U.S. Government has come up with a new form of capitol punishment called 'Lethal Ejection'. It's where Chuck Norris throws the death row inmate through the side door of a Boeing 737 at 35,000 feet.

Typing 'walker' into a search engine will yield more results for 'Paul Walker' than for 'Walker Texas Ranger'. Which is why Chuck Norris murdered him.

The ten commandments abide to everyone except Chuck Norris because there is no superior to him

When Chuck Norris was 3 he got a tricycle. When he was 4 he was bored with it and installed Harley V-Twin engine.

One thing Chuck Norris cannot do, is tenderizing meat, once he tried it it got pulverized.

Meteors are actually people blazing down to Earth after having been roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris into space for telling bad jokes about him.

The 3D Chuck Norris movie was rated RRRR because no one made it out of the theater. No one ever crosses Chuck Norris!

When Chuck Norris' balls dropped, the Earth itself wobbled on its axis.

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Chuck Norris can beat you up with a grain of sand

Chuck Norris can make a vivacious banana spilt of out a rotten turnip, head cheese, goat gonads and a 1/2 pint of Wild Turkey topped with dingle berries.

Chicken tastes like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once wrote a book. Its called the Bible.

Aliens won't invade until Chuck Norris dies.

Keep calm and carry on. Or Chuck Norris will kill you.

Chuck Norris' car wash mitt is made from Donald Trumps wig, with his head still in it.

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite which interestingly is the scientific name given to Chuck Norris' boogers.

Chuck Norris can tell Simon what to do.

Chuck Norris' black belt is blacker than the inside of Wilt Chamberlain's leather-lined coffin on a moonless midnight.

Chuck Norris has decided the world will not end on 12/12/12.

In the beginning, Chuck Norris was the Fist, and the Fist was Norris. Chuck Norris saw that this was good. Chuck Norris then said then "let there be Pain from the fist", and then there was Pain....He saw that this was good.

Chuck Norris was the reason why dinosaurs are extinct.

The greatest honor Chuck Norris' mom ever received was giving birth to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can escape a Black Hole

Contrary to popular belief, the groundhog does not fear seeing its shadow. It actually fears seeing Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris jumped out of the fire into a bigger fire, Chuck Norris doesn't need a frying pan

Chuck Norris thinks outside the box,then roundhouse kicks the box into oblivion.

Of course Chuck Norris taught the Joker the pencil trick.

Chuck Norris says that crying is actually allergic reactions to feelings.

Chuck Norris is allowed to say "ni" to The Knights Who Say Ni.

Chuck Norris overpassed the speed of light.

Chuck Norris can calculate letters.

Every morning, Chuck Norris wakes up, gets out of bed, yawns, and scratches his balls with an electric egg beater.

Chuck Norris voted once, and automatically had a degree from the Electoral College.

Chuck Norris' childhood macaroni art is on display at the Smithsonian.

Chuck Norris' idea of a relaxing evening stroll is walking through East Detroit at midnight.

Chuck Norris has an IMAX television in his bedroom

Chuck Norris casually goes where no man has ever gone before.

Chuck Norris terminated the terminator.

Chuck Norris is the only thing that matters to Metallica.

Chuck Norris is allowed to have pudding without eating his meat.

Chuck Norris' bowel movements smell like vanilla incense

Chuck Norris can smell in 3-D.

Everybody hurts, sometimes... everyone except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't fan the flames of jealousy - he farts on it.

John Connor once said that humans' have a strength that cannot be measured. It is now apparent he was speaking of Chuck Norris.

If you see Chuck Norris picking his nose, its best not to say anything.

Chuck Norris's poster once kicked my ass and put me in the Hospital for a year.

Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes, He steps on Necks!!!

Chuck Norris is accepted into any gang. Blood or Crip

Chuck Norris use's hand sanitizer as eye drops.

Chuck Norris is so Right-Wing he plays Pin the Blambe on the Donkey.

Chuck Norris is Death of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. He kills by the grace of the roundhouse kick, and he rides a bull. The others dare not question him.

Chuck Norris uses a cement mixer filled with silk pillows as a fleshlight.

The following is the complete list of things Chuck Norris cannot do:

Chuck Norris died 10 years ago. Death is just to afriid to tell him.

Chuck Norrisis the only person who can totally understand Snoop Dogg's 'nizzle fizzle' shit.

A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.

If you look closely, you can see Chuck Norris in the background of every scene in 'Avatar'.

Chuck Norris completed all missions on his "Call of Duty 4: Modern Warefare" game when set, on Prestige Level 55 "Deathmatch" setting & while standing on his head, blindfolded, hancuffed and wearing earplugs. And with his Guitar Hero controller.

Chuck Norris has already won the Tour De France whilst sitting on a tortoise's back with no legs. In 2015.

Chuck Norris thought that he had a bug crawling up his nose. Turned out it'snot.

Whenever Chuck Norris gets a massage, he gives the female masseuse a happy ending.

Chuck Norris' car keys have killed many a man.

Lebron James saw Chuck Norris wearing a Spurs cap and he cramped up.

Chuck Norris can hit a golf ball twice with one swing.

Chuck Norris went back in time and punched Moses in the face, just to prove that he could do it.

Chuck Norris went to burger king and got an egg McMuffin sandwich at 4pm

Chuck Norris wrote names in a black book.That book is known as Death Note.

Chuck Norris once got a 500 game in bowling. Without a ball. Or pins. Or oxygen. And nobody has ever worked up the courage to ask him how.

Chuck Norris can climb Mount Everest with his eyes closed and his arms tied behind his back. He does that every morning to worm-up.

Hugh Jackman is an actor. Wolverine. Chuck Norris is real. Now get roundhoused to your next movie...like a man, Hugh Wackman!

Chuck Norris was in Terminator 2. He was Judgement Day.

After drinking 5 cups of coffee, Chuck Norris stepped behind a tree and pissed so hard he knocked a Cessna 172 out of the air in mid flight.

Steven Segal onece challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face. this is why Steven Segal talks funny

Contrary to the popular idiom, it was in fact a Chuck Norris flying roundhouse kick and not a straw that broke the camel's back.

Chuck Norris can pay attention... in cash.

Chuck Norris once farted on someone and was a very gross one that the man got sick with a disease. This disease is now what we call: Ebola.

If you look up the term Ass Kicker in the dictionary, there will be a picture of nothing--because it's a fucking dictionary, they don't have pictures--but the page will smell a little bit like Chuck Norris.

Police dime criminals out to Chuck Norris.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind was beer. Chuck Norris invented beer. Granted, the wheel was also a fine invention but you can't serve a wheel with pizza which was also invented by Chuck Norris.

The Chuck Norris Facts sites are actually pages taken from Chuck Norris daily diary

Chuck Norris gets 5% cash back on all hand written checks.

Chuck Norris can tell you that he likes Dr. Pepper... with a straight face.

Chuck Norris perportadly walked into a salon for a pedicure. Nine months later 17 redheaded baby boys were born in local hospitals.

Chuck Norris can kill you in an instant. seriously.

Jimmy crack corn, so Chuck Norris cracked his neck.

Chuck Norris once had an interim job at Denny's. Not because he couldn't get a better job, because of his ability to unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris was at a rap concert once and the rapper told everyone to raise the roof. Promptly afterward he killed the rapper with a swift roundhouse kick to the face. No one tells Chuck Norris what to do.

Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, and Sammy Sosa didn't really take steriods, they just got batting tips from Chuck Norris

The only way to defeat Chuck Norris is to kill yourself, and beat him to the punch

Lance Armstrong wears LiveStrong braceltes. When Chuck Norris gets finished with him his bracelets should read DeadWeak.

When Chuck Norris speaks French, he doesn't sound gay.