All Chuck Norris Facts

Time heals all wounds... Chuck Norris inflicts them!

Chuck Norris spilled some milk. He didn't cry over the spilt milk. The spilt milk cried and made its way back into the carton.

I got an e-roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. My cheeks are still swollen.

Chuck Norris can play Candy Crush on a public phone.

Chuck Norris's football team won the NBA championship against the tennis player Roger Federer.

A panel of 5 judges survived after allowing a young Chuck Norris to win his 5th grade spelling bee by correctly spelling the word "Encyclopedia" as b,o,o,k.

Chuck Norris once went fishing and roundhoused the Kraken in the face when he came back he feed his family for ten years.

An interviewer recently asked Chuck Norris what it felt like to lose to Bruce Lee. Chuck Norris unloaded a revolver into her face.

Chuck Norris killed The Fat Lady because it's not over until Chuck Norris sings.

John F. Kennedy in his famous speech actually meant this... "It's not what the Government can do for you, it's what you can do for CHUCK NORRIS!"

Chuck Norris doesn't eat submarine sandwiches. He eats submarines...

Cucumbers aren't nearly as cool as Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once swung a walrus around by its tusks and threw it half a mile. He kept the tusks.

Chuck Norris passes the dutchie on the RIGHT-hand side.

They don't have a Chuck Norris wax statue at Madame Tussauds till now cos every time they make one, it comes alive and destroys all other statues.

It should go without saying, but it still bears repeating: don't knock on Chuck Norris' door on Halloween.

Chuck Norris created Pluto by staring at Neptune.

Scientists are currently searching for the particle that gives everything mass. They will never find it because it is hiding inside Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won a staring contest against medusa.

Big Foot claims he has a couple pictures of Chuck Norris... All his friends think he's full of crap.

Chuck Norris converted Bermuda triangle into Bermuda pants.

Chuck Norris beat a man to death with his own corpse.

Chuck Norris started the joke which started the whole world crying.

You can give Chuck Norris a full-body massage, and he still can't be touched.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick you in the face so hard, archaeologists from thousands of years from now will find your skull fragments in the next continent encrusted with diamonds.

Superman is faster than a speeding bullet. Chuck Norris is faster than the speed of light.

Everything on Chuck Norris' properties are powered by a deus ex machina.

If you download more than five images of Chuck Norris, your hard drive will explode.

Mr. T threw a punch and Chuck Norris met his punch with a round house kick....... The result was the 80's.

After barely being beat in a foot race by a cheetah, Chuck Norris pointed his finger at the fast cat and said,"Man, you're such a cheetah!" They paused for a second and then burst out laughing, as they left together to go eat a zebra or something..,

Don Rickles pokes fun at lots of people, but he knows better than to say a word when it comes to Chuck Norris.

The reason why babies cry when they are born is because they know they've been brought into the same world as Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once swam the English Channel in 10 minutes while pulling 3 oil tankers with his teeth. Upon Chuck's arrival in France, the French immediately surrendered.

Did you know Chuck Norris once clogged the toilet....... while peeing?

You can not stop Chuck Norris, nor can you hope to contain him.

A burglar made the mistake of surprising Chuck Norris as he was getting ready for bed. Chuck beat him to death with his toothbrush.

When Chuck Norris met Scorpion from MK, Scorpion said "STAY OVER THERE!!!"

Aliens are real. They are just in hiding because they know that Chuck Norris is waiting!

Chuck Norris can ace a test by writing "Violence" for every answer, because violence is the answer.

When Chuck Norris wants something, the person standing next to him better goddamn give it to him within the next two seconds or die by the roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris went out for a casual bike ride when he was visiting Paris and accidentally won the Tour de France.

Chuck Norris has a beard because every time he tries to shave his hairs break the shaving blades.

Chuck Norris once took a bath in a little spread of ocean between Bermuda, Florida, and Puerto Rico. It's been f***ed up ever since.

Every night, Chuck Norris brings at least three women back to his log cabin in the hills, to give them a good, hard Norrising.

Press this button to see Chuck Norris at age 32, and to die. ---->O It's not a real button, by the way. When Chuck Norris rates this good, though, it will be.

For some their body is a temple, for Chuck Norris, his body is a full on religion!

A door to door salesman interrupted Chuck Norris during his steak dinner. Chuck punched him in the brain.

Once Chuck Norris went to donate a liter of his own blood to a charity hospital. The doctors in the hospital had to turn down his selfless service as human beings cannot accept smoldering lava for blood transfusion.

Anywhere Chuck Norris eats, instantly becomes a six star restaurant.

Chuck Norris has reached the end of the Internet more than once.

Chuck Norris once snapped a bears neck after it scratched his jacket.

If you want to change your name, then you have to be killed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris watches TV on his Gameboy.

When Chuck Norris goes for a swim, the sharks panic. You wanna defy gravity? Let Chuck Norris give you a roundhouse. No Wait, no one "LETS" Chuck, he just does.

Chuck Norris once played pool with the planets. He lost to Pluto... that's why it's not a planet.

Chuck Norris can perform delicate heart surgery with two sticks and a tire iron.

Chuck Norris can fight better than all fighting video games. How? He instantly wins.

Chuck Norris's keyboard has an F13 key.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Mars is red.

Chuck Norris' beerhat is a Viking helmet with two kegs.

When he was four, Chuck Norris could use his Etch-A-Scetch like an iPad.

Bono wears Chuck Norris sunglasses.

Chuck Norris went to court once, and he lost. He roundhouse kicked the judge in the head so hard that all of justice became blind.

Zebras were created when Chuck Norris kicked the color out of horses.

Little known fact: Chuck Norris was the original lead singer of the British pop band The Smiths. He went by the name Norrissey.

Chuck Norris' accent wears a tuxedo.

If you see Chuck Norris doing anything illegal, it's best not to day or do anything about it.

When Chuck Norris finishes watching a useless 1-hour movie, he can get his 1 hour back.

Whenever Chuck Norris gets thirsty, he doesn't buy water or drink from a fountain. He prefers the arterial spray from a freshly decapitated passerby.

There are ancient tribes in the Amazon, as yet untouched by modern civilization, who worship Chuck Norris as their god of gods.

Chuck Norris can rear-end his own car.

Chuck Norris is the actual King of the World.

Remember the show "Who's the Boss"? Chuck Norris was the boss. Chuck Norris is everyone's boss.

Chuck Norris and the Dale Lamma got to gether to see the perfect human the Dale Lamma asked Chuck Norris where the person was Chuck Norris told Him to look at ME the perfect HUMAN!{Which is Chuck Norris}

Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, killed Kenny, and killed Mr. Boddy in the hall with a roundhouse kick.

Acid rain happens when CHUCK NORRIS piss.

Deepfake technology can make anyone look like anyone else. Nobody has ever successfully deepfaked Chuck Norris because the footage roundhouse kicks the algorithm.

Chuck Norris once actually made it rain cats and dogs just so he could solve a mouse problem.

Chuck Norris can play skin banjo without using his hands.

Every hair on Chuck Norris' beard represents the soul of a victim.

Chuck Norris can in fact buy love. But he prefers to spend his cash on beer and ammunition.

Chuck Norris did not play high school or college football, thus sparing hundreds from injury.

Chuck Norris can text using his walkie-talkie and without batteries.

Osama, Gaddhafi, and Kim Jong IL, died in 2011 because they forgot to pay tribute to CHUCK NORRIS!

Chuck Norris doesn't drink tea — he drinks hot beer.

Chuck Norris can cremate you instantly with a mean-ass death stare.

One day Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a building killing thousands while drinking a diet coke on a sunny day.

I've heard Chuck Norris was going to be a playable character in SSBB. His hammer-using animation would be him moving the hammer in a full circle with only his left pinky. It turns out that he is stronger than that.

Who would win in a fight: Chuck Norris or Chuck Norris? Neither. The world would implode from that much awesome.

Chuck Norris has no enemies. He only has victims.

Colten: Chuck Norris Plus your mom plus you equals two bodies lying in a huge pool of blood and a diabolical smile on Chuck Norris' face.

The idea of Pepsi came to fruition when Chuck Norris micturated in a can. The idea of Crystal Pepsi came to fruition when Chuck Norris drank lots of water one day and pissed in a bottle.

Q:why did the chicken try to cross the road? A:to get away from Chuck Norris... and it never made it to the other side.

Chuck Norris can comb his hair with a thunderbolt.

It's easy to be Latino lover like Chuck Norris if u stole the beauty from Susan Boyle.

Every superhero has a back-up plan in times of big trouble: contact Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can do blastbeats on a grand piano.

SpaceX can land a rocket on a drone ship. Chuck Norris can land a drone ship on a rocket.

Chuck Norris was issued an American Express Platinum Card when he was 9. The President of American Express apologized to Chuck for making him wait so long.

Chuck Norris knows how to get to Sesame Street.