All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris once kicked a foot ball so hard it went into orbit and took out the command ship of an alien armada that where plotting to take over the earth ... they soon changed there minds

The number on tombstones aren't years; there just how many times Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked that person in the face.

The Dos Equis guy is Chuck Norris' padawan.

Chuck Norris can invite you to your own birthday party.

Chuck Norris correctly predicted the result of Super Bowl XLVIII in 1952.

Chuck Norris can "shit fire and save matches"!

I don't agree with the fact that Chuck Norris never sleeps, I think he does, we just don't now when and how long he sleeps, because his Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented the word 'oblivion' so his roundhouse victums would have a place to find themselves kicked into.

They say Bruce Lee died in an accident...but it is the fact you don't kick Chuck Norris' ass without consequence!

Every night when Chuck Norris goes to sleep, his beard detaches itself, picks up a small knife and sprints towards the city in hopes to match his kill count.

Chuck Norris once beat the crap out of target for practice.

Chuck Norris once grabbed Vin Diesel and inserted his index finger into Vin Diesel's anus. Vin Diesel got very pissed over the matter. Chuck Norris then started kicking him continously non-stop for a day for not having any sense of humor.

Chuck Norris never 'visits' your house. He reposseses it.

Chuck Norris is a firestarter. A twisted firestarter.

Chuck Norris uses an F5 tornado to mop the blood off his palace floors.

Chuck Norris has a moat around his ranch named Rubicon, and you best not cross it.

When Chuck Norris goes clubbing, the authorities turn a blind eye on all the people he clubs to death.

Next to Chuck Norris, the Dos Equis guy is the Least Interesting Man.

Why are Jay-Z's lips so big? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is three times deadlier asleep than anyone else is when they are awake.

Most people have Microwave ovens. Chuck Norris has a Megawave oven.

Chuck Norris gives cigarettes cancer

Chuck Norris once accidentally broke steel by touching it.

Chuck Norris always carries a ice cooler around with him so he can store severed hands of people who where brave enough to shake his hand

In high school, Chuck Norris would get out of math class by dividing by zero and then escaping through the wormhole it produced.

Chuck Norris invented beer & pizza. He also invented the wheel but it doesn't taste as good at a Superbowl parties.

Chuck Norris understands every definition in the Oxford Thesaurus, except one; that on mercy.

When Chuck Norris has a bone to pick, it's always the jawbone.

Chuck Norris got mad at some vegetables, the end results were Black-eyed peas.

The sign on the door read "pull to open". Chuck Norris pushed it open anyway.

Dos Equis' "most interesting man in the worls" asks Chuck Norris for advice

Despite the fact that Chuck Norris doesn't book with Orbitz, they still send him a check when someone else books a hotel for a less.

Chuck Norris can kill over 9000 ailens, birds, noobs, people with only oen rock

The last person that goosed Chuck Norris lost a finger, hand and forearm from his crimped butt cheeks.

Chuck Norris is himself when he's hungry.

Chuck Norris proved Mythbusters was all a myth.

Some people balance eggs on end every Spring and Fall Equinox, but Chuck Norris balances skulls.

Optimis Prime transforms back into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can spell out myspace using M&ms and Skittles

Chuck Norris's car drives over 9000 miles and never crashes.

Chuck Norris can make Robin Williams and Lewis Black calm the fuck down.

Chuck e cheese was actually gonna be called: Chuck Norris cheese. it was then changed for being too violent. Every animatronic for Chuck Norris cheese was violent because they do roundhouse kicks.

When Chuck Norris goes to the museum, the exhibits aren't allowed to touch Chuck.

Chuck Norris' beard's beard's beard has a beard

When you die, Chuck Norris will find your grave and roundhouse kick you.

When God walked in the sea ... Chuck Norris was swimming in the land!!

Chuck Norris owns the trademark on both the 70's and the 80's.

If Michael Jackson can Moon Walk, Chuck Norris can Sun Walk

When Edmund Hillary and Tenzin Norgay reached the top of Mount Everest, they saw Chuck Norris peeing at the summit - into the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris owns Area 51. He also owns Areas 1 thru 50.

Many men envy Ron Jeremy's nine-inch-plus manhood. Ron Jeremy envies Chuck Norris' manhood.

The Voyager space probe is the second man-made object to leave the galaxy. The first was a VW Beetle that Chuck Norris threw in 1967.

Jesus walked on water. Chuck Norris skipped through air.

Question: How long does it take for Chuck Norris to watch 60 Minutes? Answer: He's done watching a non-rerun episode 835 years before he starts watching it, and he doesn't even need time travel.

Time heals all wounds...Chuck Norris inflicts them!

CHuck Norris spilled some milk. He didn't cry over the spilt milk. The spilt milk cried and made its way back into the carton.

I got an e-roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. My cheeks are still swollen.

Chuck Norris can play Candy Crush on a public phone

Chuck Norris's football team won the NBA champinship against the tennis player Roger Federer

A panel of 5 judges survived after allowing a young Chuck Norris to win his 5th grade spelling bee by correctly spelling the word "Encyclopedia" as b,o,o,k.

Chuck Norris once went fishing and roundhoused the Kraken in the face when he came back he feed his family for ten years.

An interviewer recently asked Chuck Norris what it felt like to lose to Bruce Lee. Chuck Norris unloaded a revolver into her face.

Chuck Norris killed The Fat Lady because it's not over until Chuck Norris sings.

John F. Kennedy in his famous speech actually meant this... "It's not what the Goverment can do for you, it's what you can do for CHUCK NORRIS!"

Chuck Norris dosn't eat submarine sandwiches, he eats submarines...

Cucumbers aren't nearly as cool as Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once swung a walrus around by its tusks and threw it half a mile. He kept the tusks.

Chuck Norris passes the dutchie on the RIGHT hand side.

They don't have a Chuck Norris wax statue at Madame Tussauds till now cos everytime they make one, it comes alive and destroys all other statues.

It should go without saying, but it still bears repeating: don't knock on Chuck Norris' door on Halloween.

Chuck Norris created Pluto by staring at Neptune

Scientists are currently searching for the particle that gives everything mass. They will never find it because it is hiding inside Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won a staring contest against medusa

Big Foot claims he has a couple pictures of Chuck Norris... All his friends think he's full of crap.

Chuck Norris converted Bermuda triangle into Bermuda pants.

Chuck Norris beat a man to death with his own corpse.

Chuck Norris started the joke which started the whole world crying

You can give Chuck Norris a full-body massage, and he still can't be touched.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick you in the face so hard, archaeologists from thousands of years from now will find your skull fragments in the next continent encrusted with diamonds.

Superman is faster then a speeding bullet,Chuck Norris is faster then the speed of light

Everything on Chuck Norris' properties are powered by a deus ex machina

If you download more than five images of Chuck Norris, your hard drive will explode.

Mr. T threw a punch and Chuck Norris met his punch with a round house kick....... The result was the 80's.

After barely being beat in a foot race by a cheetah, Chuck Norris pointed his finger at the fast cat and said,"Man, you're such a cheetah!" They paused for a second and then burst out laughing, as they left together to go eat a zebra or something..,

Don Rickles pokes fun at lots of people, but he knows better than to say a word when it comes to Chuck Norris.

the reason why babies cry when they are born is because they know they've been brought into the same world as Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once swam the English Channel in 10 minutes while pulling 3 oil tankers with his teeth. Upon Chuck's arrival in France, the French immediately surrendered.

Did you know Chuck Norris once clogged the toilet....... while peeing?

You can not stop Chuck Norris, nor can you hope to contain him.

A burglar made the mistake of surprising Chuck Norris as he was getting ready for bed. Chuck beat him to death with his toothbrush.

when Chuck Norris met Scorpion from MK, Scorpion said "STAY OVER THERE!!!"

Aliens are real. They are just in hiding because they know that Chuck Norris is waiting!

Chuck Norris can ace a test by writing "Violence" for every answer, because violence is the answer.

When Chuck Norris wants something, the person standing next to him better goddamn give it to him within the next two seconds or die by the roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris went out for a casual bike ride when he was visiting Paris and accidentally won the Tour de France.

Chuck Norris has a beard because everytime he tries to shave his hairs break the shaving blades.

Chuck Norris once took a bath in a little spread of ocean between Bermuda, Florida, and Puerto Rico. It's been f***ed up ever since.

Every night, Chuck Norris brings at least three women back to his log cabin in the hills, to give them a good, hard Norrising.

Press this button to see Chuck Norris at age 32, and to die. ---->O It's not a real button, by the way. When Chuck Norris rates this good, though, it will be.

For some their body is a temple, for Chuck Norris, his body is a full on religion!