All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris can kill a living room

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked all the masculinity out of Justin Bieber, which all landed inside P!nk.

When Chuck Norris does push up he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.

He, Chuck Norris, is awesome!!!

Chuck Norris can destroy an entire office block with a single pelvic thrust.

Chuck Norris can peel an orange with a chopstick.

Chuck Norris once jumped up a bannana tree and sang the Star Spangled Banner backwards. When asked why he replied "Happy pappy bang bang!" then shat his pants

Chuck Norris can push the trigger.

Chuck Norris owns a squad of Oompa Loompas

Why did Chuck Norris hasn't appeared on any mortal kombat games. Simple, the name says it all. "mortal". Also there won't be any fatality tha will work on him, he will just roundhouse kick anyone either he wins or loose.

Chuck Norris is personally responsible for global warming, but it seems no one can convince him to go on a diet who actually lived to tell us if he would consider lightening his daily intake of barbecued rattlesnakes and beans.

Chuck Norris' mother once caught him masticating a horse in his bedroom.

Chuck Norris can send text messages on a Post-It Note.

Chuck Norris doesn't 'pass gas' he FARTS and blows trees over!

Life finds a way... of being ended by Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris updates his DNA every 5 minutes

When Chuck Norris visits his ranch, he always makes sure to take a ride on Sherman, his Cape Buffalo.

Chuck Norris invented calculus in order to keep track of how many people he kills.

Chuck Norris often go to the hen house to choke the chicken.

Why are there so many "Rocky" films? Because Rocky was smart enough NOT to fight Chuck Norris in any of them.

Chuck Norris beat a game of Super Mario Bros.(1985) by just pressing the start button

There's no point in crying over spilled milk unless it's Chuck Norris' milk ... then you're gonna die.

The thing worst than Chuck Norris is death...wait...I got it backwards.

along time ago Chuck Norris met an Asian kid also named Chuck Norris. Not pleased with there being another Chuck Norris so he punched him so hard the name on the the Asian kid's birth certificate changed to Bruce Lee.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

The only sure things in life are death and taxes. Unless you're Chuck Norris, then they're optional.

Carlsberg dont do Chuck Norris but if they did they would get Roundhoused

Chuck Norris did offer to dance with the Devil on the pale moonlight but the Devil said "not a chance, not with Chuck Norris"!

The Pope calls Chuck Norris "Father."

Chuck Norris can post 50,000 word essays on Twitter.

If Chuck Norris says that turkey, cranberries & yams actually taste real good, then they do!!! And out of fear, that's the only reason we we eat that crap. We are truely Thankful that Chuck Norris only demands this once a year.

Chuck Norris has a blood pressure reading of zero over zero,nothing puts Chuck under pressure.

Who wrote the book of love? Chuck Norris. He also authored The Book Of Death (Vols 1-27).

Chuck Norris' saliva is the fountain of youth.

The pie scene in american pie was originally a dare made to Chuck Norris, except the pie was actually a volcano crater.

Chuck Norris has his Budweiser shaken, not stirred.

Super Man's nacked eye can withstand a bullet. Chuck Norris' middle finger can reflect a laser beam and kill the shooter between the eyes.

Chuck Norris is allowed to play Stairway To Heaven.

Chuck Norris scared the Black out of Eminem.

Chuck Norris Just Saw Jackass 3D He Was Mad At Johnny Knoxville For Making A Film About Things Chuck Did At The Age Of 5

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked all the American out of Johnny Depp.

The NeverEnding Story ended, because Chuck Norris got tired of watching.

Chuck Norris showed musical talent at a very young age. He was humming "Bad To The Bone" when his Doctor delivered him.

If Chuck Norris had a penny for each roundhouse kick he delivered, the world supply of iron would have been long gone.

Chuck Norris doesn't clip his fingernails. He rips them with his bare hands and regrows new ones immediately.

Chuck Norris is actually slightly vulnerable to attack only in the first few seconds after impregnating a fresh virgin. So there you go, all Norris-haters - you have at least two minutes a day to try it if you dare.

Gorillas engage in fights only after making sure Chuck Norris is not watching them stealthly.

There is a reason why Chuck Norris' farts smell like dead tigers.

Chuck Norris underwent successful hemorrhoid surgery yesterday. The surgeon had to use "the jaws of life" and a set of bolt cutters to complete the procedure

Chuck Norris one rode a trike. When he got off of it, it was a motorcycle ,measuring to be 16 feet tall and 72 feet long, with mounted grenade launchers and bazookas. He still keeps it in his garage.

Chuck Norris is the reason you can't see vampires in mirrors.

Darth Vader's lightsaber is a replica of Chuck Norris' shlong.

Chuck Norris gives up his shadow for Lent.

When Chuck Norris was 9 he was out trick or treating and ran into Freddy Kruger. Chuck kicked the crap out of Freddy then took his candy.

Chuck Norris can belive its not butter

When Chuck Norris got his vasectomy, the Doctor put his scalpel back in the drawer and used a chainsaw.

The only man alive that scares Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

If you and Chuck happen to be wearing the same clothes, Chuck Norris is better dressed than you.

One time, Chuck Norris was crossing the street without looking both ways. He ran over a car.

Chuck Norris once kicked Doyle Brunson's ace.

Chuck Norris once lit up a cigar in the Sahara Forest.

Want to end illegal immigration from all corners of the world? Four words: Chuck Norris, INS Commissioner.

Chuck Norris can take the way into the heart of Robin Scherbatzky while mosbying her.

When God told Chuck Norris he was going to create the earth in six days Chuck Norris said you better or else.

Chuck Norris stuffs lockers into bullies

After drinking a case of Corona beer, Chuck Norris' urine smells like a steaming platter of chicken fajitas.

The only time Chuck Norris felt sadness was when he read Nuck Chorris' jokes.

Chuck Norris can run Windows Vista without it crashing...on a 286!

You can totally tell that the chick who won Eurovision was fathered by Chuck Norris.

A man once told Chuck Norris that he and everyone would be wise to learn to "expect the unexpected" in life's journey. Chuck Norris then immediately roundhouse kicked the man in the face and said, "did you expect that?"

Every morning, Chuck Norris has a bowl of nails for breakfast.

Chuck Norris recently appeared on a 15-minute segment of 'Good Morning America', to promote and demonstrate the Total Gym 1000, while holding a bison in a headlock.

Chuck Norris was once invited to a Square Dance Hoedown. For clear and obvious reasons, there were no survivors.

Chuck Norris recently stated that cigars taste 'considerably better' when lit off of a flaming human corpse.

Chuck Norris gave out the location of Osama Bin Laden!

Chuck Norris can kick his way out of a black hole's Schwartzchild radius.

George Thorogood was inspired by Chuck Norris, when he composed "Bad to the Bone".

When Chuck Norris gives his song and dance, he sings Bad To The Bone while he dances on your face.

Chuck Norris was asked to donate blood. He proceed to donate 6 quarts... Simply by roundhouse kicking the flabotomist.

If Chuck Norris was God, there would be no sand but only concrete, no water but only Liquir.

Chuck Norris can lick your tattoos off.

Chuck Norris' first car was a bulldozer.

Chuck Norris can whistle in sign language.

A good man is hard to find, but Chuck Norris can easily find one and snap him over his knee.

Chuck Norris put the bop in the bop shoo wop shoo wop. He also put the ram in the ramalama-ding-dong.

When Chuck Norris was little, his parents bought him an anvil for his playpen. He broke it immediately.

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if the wood chuck was Chuck Norris? All of it.

Chuck Norris can open locked doors. Without a key.

Chuck Norris knows what you did last winter.

When Chuck Norris goes to the airport, TSA agents grope themselves.

Manual doors open automatically for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was surfing and came face to face with a huge Great White shark. The shark quickly swam away after sustaining a very serious Chuck Norris bite.

If Superman and The Flash had a race to the end of the world, Chuck Norris would be the winner.

Many people can make rocks skip on water. Chuck Norris does it better -- by skipping entire islands.

Like many other magnificient creatures, Chuck Norris has his own mating season, we know this season better as winter

Chuck Norris doesn't have a nervous system. He has a supremely tough and confident system.

Chuck Norris invented "That's what she said", and your mom went, 'oh yeah'

Chuck Norris can turn even the safest firework into an instrument of mass destruction.

Orange Bird is both the smallest and largest bird in Angry Birds Theme 18-2. Chuck Norris has both the smallest and largest 8=D.

Music soothes the savage beast... unless, of course, the savage beast in question is Chuck Norris.