All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris can make Jenny leave the Block.

Chuck Norris can text/watch videos/surf the web.... on a payphone.

Chuck Norris is the only man alive that can fly a helicopter up-side-down. He uses it to mow his lawn.

No one truly knows who's Chuck Norris' real father. No one is biologically strong enough for this. He must've conceived himself.

When Chuck Norris walks into a bar, he automatically owns all the women inside and instantly has an infinite tab.

Some people can slide down stair banisters. Chuck Norris can slide UP down escalators.

Chuck Norris was the only senior in his high school.

Throughout his life, Chuck Norris has been widely acknowledged and praised for the extreme realness with which he kept his shit.

Sudden Death is: a. a crappy movie starring an even crappier Jean Claude Van Damme b. the way playoff overtimes are decided in the NHL c. what happens to you when you piss off Chuck Norris d. all of the above

All people with hemorrhoids have been the recipient of a Chuck Norris roundhose kick to the mouth that was delivered so severely that it caused their tounge, tonsils and adenoids to protrude from their asshole.

The Vatican's latest fundraiser is selling WWCND (What Would Chuck Norris Do) braclets.

Chuck Norris can lose his king and still win a chess game

Chuck Norris once punched a hurricane in its eye.

Chuck Norris can literally hand you your ass in a handbag. And then pull it out and kick it up between your ears.

Chuck Norris is Darth Vader's father.

Katy Perry kissed a girl to get attention from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is an illusion. His right foot doesn't kick you. His left foot spins the Earth so that your head hits his foot.

When Chuck Norris was a teenager, his parents used a jack-hammer to excise his zits.

When you ask Chuck Norris for directions, he'll give you a roundhouse-kick to the face and you'll land exactly where you need to be.

if you open a mail from Chuck Norris, it kills you.

some say that Chuck Norris' blood is green, too bad we'll never know

McDonald's got the idea of putting "Billions Served" on their signs after their founder visited Chuck Norris' house and saw his "Billions of Heads Severed" plaque on the wall.

Chuck Norris was once stopped by police and given a breath test. He inhaled the breathalyzer.

Chuck Norris invented tear gas by squeezing the stink out of a skunk.

Most folks that eat a bowl of Chuck Norris' Texas style ham & beans immediately blow out thier O-ring.

Chuck Norris can slice meat so thin it only has one side.

If you look into Chuck Norris' eyes for a few seconds, you will feel a little pee coming out.

Chuck Norris owns property in the Uncanny Valley

Chuck Norris is so awesome, he caused blindness to the whole bat species just by his sheer awesomeness. Infact, if you listen intently all the bats shriek "Chuck Norris! Chuck Norris! Chuck Norris!".

Chuck Norris lives in the guest house at his Texas palatial estate. Only his main house mansion is spacious enough to store all of his guns, ammo and ninja death stars.

Chuck Norris doesnt use dental floss...he uses barbed wire

In the filming of "The Way Of The Dragon", Chuck Norris was heavilly bribed to lose to Bruce Lee.

Chuck Norris can shoot you down by the Ctrl-Alt-Del menu.

Nostradamus didn't predict his spectacular beheading by Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can solve a paradox.

Chuck Norris can tell a 'yo mama' joke that is so perfect, your head will explode.

Chuck Norris pleasures himself with a battery post cleaner.

Chuck Norris once went to the doctors for a needle, but instead of the needle piercing Chuck Norris' skin, Chuck Norris' skin pierced the needle.

Chuck Norris loves all of his dogs, cats and horses .... with onions and gravy paired with a yak cheese, condor foie gras schmear on melba toast and a gallon jug of muscatel.

Chuck Norris Does not use Total Gym, Total Gym uses Chuck Norris, But then again No one Uses Chuck Norris So Chuck Norris Uses ToTal Gym!

Chuck Norris invented Thomas Edison

The limit of Chuck Norris as he approaches infinity does not exist because Chuck Norris has no limits.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you in such a way that you become incapable of dying, and just do a little worse every day.

Chuck Norris was hiking in the Pacific Northwest when a Sasquatch had the misfortune of coming face to face with him. Chuck beat the Sasquatch silly then ate his lunch.

jaggar has the moves like Chuck Norris

two teams of Chuck Norris's playing 'red rover' is what actually birthed the universe.

Chuck Norris...the Man, the Legend, but never the Myth.

Some people think they're cool if they walk across hot coals. Chuck Norris regularly breakdances on them.

Chuck Norris was out for a hike when he came face to face with a Grizzly Bear. Witnesses say after screaming loudly, the bear ran whimpering into the woods.

Chuck Norris is the reason why the words "Bad" and "Ass" came together

I played Madden football 18 times with Chuck Norris back in 2007 and we had the Patriots. Chuck opted to simulate the Super Bowl and the Giants beat us 17-14, coincidence? You be the judge....

Chuck Norris can complete a 1440, triple pump, two hand monster dunk from the midcourt line.

Someone once asked Chuck Norris if he had the time...and Chuck said "yes, and it's mine to keep"

Chuck Norris made a turkey by catching a live one, eating it,and throwing it up.

Everytime Chuck Norris lands on a property in a game of monopoly he gets paid

Rain never used to exist before Chuck Norris began shouting at clouds to reveal their true nature.

When Chuck Norris says, 'this is the line. Don't walk across it', he just created a new international border.

People use x-ray films to view the solar eclipse. Chuck Norris goes to the moon to have a better view of the phenomemon with his naked eyes.

Chuck Norris doesn't have X chromosomes

If it bleeds, we can kill it. Therefore, Chuck Norris cannot bleed.

Atlantis is at the bottom of the Atlantic, because that's where Chuck Norris put it.

Every time Chuck Norris goes to New Orleans, hot women bare their breasts for him whether it's Mardi Gras or not.

Chuck Norris won the 'Dancing with the Stars' competition by Moonwalking on his butt cheeks.

Chuck Norris drank Daniel Day Lewis' milkshake.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse house kicked a man for asking him who invented the Roundhouse Kick.

Chuck Norris is clever enough to do crossword puzzles in ink.

Chuck Norris found Waldo, Carmen Sandiego and Jimmy Hoffa.

Chuck Norris can stop the Stones from rolling.

Chuck Norris can eat a Charleston Chew without chewing.

"Carpe diem" is a Latin aphorism translated to "seize the day". "Chucky diem" is a Chuck Norrism translated to "seize the throat".

The greatest discovery of mankind is Chuck Norris. You don't have to ask 'why?'.

The REAL reason why Hitler killed himself was because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.

Chuck Norris will be roundhouse kicking your ass in a second. And then he does mine.

Jesus shamelessly wore a Chuck Norris beard.

Chuck Norris can head butt a dumpster. And win.

Chuck Norris has a reputation not to be sneered at. Seriously, don't sneer at him. You'll get a boot to the kidneys.

Four score and seven years ago... Chuck Norris drank a barrel of mead and roundhouse kicked the shit outta some mutton chop-wearing assholes.

A heckler told Chuck Norris his movies stunk. Chuck told him "I'd slap you stupid but I can tell someone already beat me to it".

If Chuck Norris played baseball, the Texas Rangers would have won the World Series in 2011. And 2010. And every Series dating back to 1972, their first year in Texas.

when firs man inventioned submarine, he saw a Chuck Norris smiling at him at deapt of 34000feets

For a split of a nanosec I had disbelief in Chuck Norris, but quickly I noticed that this particular nanosec was splitted by his karatepunch.

Chuck Norris can take Braveheart's life AND his freedom.

Chuck Norris commanded Russell Wilson to pass the ball instead of handing it off to Marshawn Lynch. Thats the reason why the Patriots won.........Seahawks should've won.

The Grim Reaper recently pissed in his robe when he realized he had snuck up behind Chuck Norris b

Chuck Norris once completed a perfect swan dive in tuck position from the high dive into an empty swimming pool.

Hand Sanitizer Doesn't Clean Chuck Norris Chuck Norris Cleans It

Five Finger Death Punch and Twelve Foot Ninja are rock bands named after the way Chuck Norris killed a giant ninja.

Those who say you can't unring a bell never met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has never worn underwear not made out of leather.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.

That damn dress is whatever color Chuck Norris says it is!

List Of Things Chuck Norris Cannot Kill You With: tiny Minecraft slimes

Chuck Norris solved the Riemann hypothesis on an abacus.

Chuck Norris is the best in the West. He also has the North, East and South totally covered.

If Chuck Norris ever fell of of a building the groung would move out of his way

When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he destroys an orphanage

Because of Chuck Norris the big 5 is now know as the big 6.

Chuck Norris single-handily won a game of football by completing a 97 yard touchdown pass to himself. It was the only offensive play of the game.

Don't fight the IRS alone. Even Chuck Norris has to pay taxes.

Marry had a little lamb...and Chuck Norris silenced it.