All Chuck Norris Facts

Michael Jackson once met Chuck Norris. That night, he went home and wrote "Thriller"

Davy Crockett shot his first bear when he was only 3. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his first bear into oblivion when he was only 6 months old.

No matter where Chuck Norris is, he always gets free wifi and a full bar cell-phone reception

You know why Chuck Norris-movies suck? Because the movies are nervous about Chuck Norris in 'em.

A guy was furious at Chuck Norris. He fought with Chuck Norris with all of his rage. Chuck Norris happily fed on his rage until the guy became a hippie. Then Chuck Norris obliterated him, because Chuck Norris doesn't like hippies.

Chuck Norris swallows sword-swallowers.

When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he makes lemonade, and then goes to sunbathe on the beach.

Thunder is just another result of Chuck Norris sneezing.

Chuck Norris can't wait to find out what it's actually like to wait.

Chuck Norris found an extra Ping golf club sock in his dryer.

Creatine Monohydrate, the body building supplement is manufactured from Chuck Norris' dead skins extracts.

Chuck Norris was only played in scenes of the movie Expendables 2 because all of the action scenes compiled would only last 17 seconds.

Chuck Norris never has a failure to communicate

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

When Chuck Norris farts, everyone around him says "excuse me Mr. Norris"!

Chuck Norris can swim in an empty pool.

When the going gets tough, Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can live on the dark Side of the moon............naked

When Chuck Norris was 2, he was pulled over for doing 35 MPH in a 25 zone on his tricycle.

There are at least 23 ways Chuck Norris can kill you with printer toner.

Chuck Norris can walk into some asshole's house, murder everyone inside, then have a massive KFC feast and an orgy and walk out without leaving a single strand of DNA.

If Chuck Norris had a pennie for every time he roundhouse kicked someone, he would be the richest man ever.

Sometimes people die though they deserve to live. None of those people were killed by Chuck Norris. When Chuck Norris kills someone, they damn well deserve it.

Chuck Norris doesn't worship Buddah,Buddah worships Chuck Norris.

The customer is always right...except when Chuck Norris owns the business.

A cow goes "moo". Chuck Norris goes "cow."

Chuck Norris got pulled over by a cop once. The cop was lucky to leave with a warning.

Chuck Norris and Rodney Mullen were skateboarding in Singapore. Rodney got fined, and Chuck got paid

Chuck Norris uses pepper spray to spice up his steaks.

All is fair in love and war................ Except when Chuck Norris breaks out the grenades

Chuck Norris can punch the 'you' out of you.

Senpai notices Chuck Norris. and im pretty sure Chuck Norris likes it.

Old Faithful is Chuck Norris' drainpipe

Heard the saying "you can't controll the weather"?, well Chuck Norris can.

When "The Situation" looks at Chuck Norris, "The Situation" turns into a beer-bellied redneck dumb-minded farmer in Colarado.

Chuck Norris would not be considered 'armed and dangerous'; if they had to use such terminology, they would rate him 'DEFCON 14'

Chuck Norris once changed his name back to Chuck Norris.

The Green Bay Packers challenged Chuck Norris to a football game. Final score: Norris 274, Packers (-96).

Q. Can you spell "Chuck Norris" without using any r's? A. Yes, "Chuck Kickass"

One time Chuck Norris rode a shark... on land while on fire while making love to three swimsuit models

Facebook as got a Chuck Norris account

when Chuck Norris stands in front of a mirror, it shattered because it knew that no one stands in between CHUCK NORRIS and CHUCK NORRIS.

Chuck Norris once kicked a foot ball so hard it went into orbit and took out the command ship of an alien armada that where plotting to take over the earth ... they soon changed there minds

The number on tombstones aren't years; there just how many times Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked that person in the face.

The Dos Equis guy is Chuck Norris' padawan.

Chuck Norris can invite you to your own birthday party.

Chuck Norris correctly predicted the result of Super Bowl XLVIII in 1952.

I don't agree with the fact that Chuck Norris never sleeps, I think he does, we just don't now when and how long he sleeps, because his Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented the word 'oblivion' so his roundhouse victums would have a place to find themselves kicked into.

They say Bruce Lee died in an accident...but it is the fact you don't kick Chuck Norris' ass without consequence!

Every night when Chuck Norris goes to sleep, his beard detaches itself, picks up a small knife and sprints towards the city in hopes to match his kill count.

Chuck Norris once beat the crap out of target for practice.

Chuck Norris once grabbed Vin Diesel and inserted his index finger into Vin Diesel's anus. Vin Diesel got very pissed over the matter. Chuck Norris then started kicking him continously non-stop for a day for not having any sense of humor.

Chuck Norris never 'visits' your house. He reposseses it.

Chuck Norris is a firestarter. A twisted firestarter.

Chuck Norris uses an F5 tornado to mop the blood off his palace floors.

Chuck Norris has a moat around his ranch named Rubicon, and you best not cross it.

When Chuck Norris goes clubbing, the authorities turn a blind eye on all the people he clubs to death.

Next to Chuck Norris, the Dos Equis guy is the Least Interesting Man.

Why are Jay-Z's lips so big? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is three times deadlier asleep than anyone else is when they are awake.

Most people have Microwave ovens. Chuck Norris has a Megawave oven.

Chuck Norris gives cigarettes cancer

Chuck Norris once accidentally broke steel by touching it.

Chuck Norris always carries a ice cooler around with him so he can store severed hands of people who where brave enough to shake his hand

In high school, Chuck Norris would get out of math class by dividing by zero and then escaping through the wormhole it produced.

Chuck Norris invented beer & pizza. He also invented the wheel but it doesn't taste as good at a Superbowl parties.

Chuck Norris understands every definition in the Oxford Thesaurus, except one; that on mercy.

When Chuck Norris has a bone to pick, it's always the jawbone.

Chuck Norris got mad at some vegetables, the end results were Black-eyed peas.

The sign on the door read "pull to open". Chuck Norris pushed it open anyway.

Dos Equis' "most interesting man in the worls" asks Chuck Norris for advice

Despite the fact that Chuck Norris doesn't book with Orbitz, they still send him a check when someone else books a hotel for a less.

Chuck Norris can kill over 9000 ailens, birds, noobs, people with only oen rock

The last person that goosed Chuck Norris lost a finger, hand and forearm from his crimped butt cheeks.

Chuck Norris is himself when he's hungry.

Chuck Norris proved Mythbusters was all a myth.

Some people balance eggs on end every Spring and Fall Equinox, but Chuck Norris balances skulls.

Optimis Prime transforms back into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can spell out myspace using M&ms and Skittles

Chuck Norris's car drives over 9000 miles and never crashes.

Chuck e cheese was actually gonna be called: Chuck Norris cheese. it was then changed for being too violent. Every animatronic for Chuck Norris cheese was violent because they do roundhouse kicks.

When Chuck Norris goes to the museum, the exhibits aren't allowed to touch Chuck.

Chuck Norris' beard's beard's beard has a beard

When you die, Chuck Norris will find your grave and roundhouse kick you.

When God walked in the sea ... Chuck Norris was swimming in the land!!

Chuck Norris owns the trademark on both the 70's and the 80's.

If Michael Jackson can Moon Walk, Chuck Norris can Sun Walk

When Edmund Hillary and Tenzin Norgay reached the top of Mount Everest, they saw Chuck Norris peeing at the summit - into the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris owns Area 51. He also owns Areas 1 thru 50.

Many men envy Ron Jeremy's nine-inch-plus manhood. Ron Jeremy envies Chuck Norris' manhood.

The Voyager space probe is the second man-made object to leave the galaxy. The first was a VW Beetle that Chuck Norris threw in 1967.

Jesus walked on water. Chuck Norris skipped through air.

Question: How long does it take for Chuck Norris to watch 60 Minutes? Answer: He's done watching a non-rerun episode 835 years before he starts watching it, and he doesn't even need time travel.

Time heals all wounds...Chuck Norris inflicts them!

CHuck Norris spilled some milk. He didn't cry over the spilt milk. The spilt milk cried and made its way back into the carton.

I got an e-roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris. My cheeks are still swollen.

Chuck Norris can play Candy Crush on a public phone

Chuck Norris's football team won the NBA champinship against the tennis player Roger Federer

A panel of 5 judges survived after allowing a young Chuck Norris to win his 5th grade spelling bee by correctly spelling the word "Encyclopedia" as b,o,o,k.