All Chuck Norris Facts

The last time Chuck Norris was invited to the White House, the invitation said 'come as you are', so that's how he went - wearing nothing but a pair of assless chaps and a beer.

Chuck Norris skipped recess in school, becuse he don't play

Chuck Norris directed Two Girls One Cup

The Big Bad Wolf is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can spell the word "one" with the number 1.

Chuck Norris can see sound....and kill it

Chuck Norris is probably watching you right now. Don't turn around.

When Chuck Norris calls you your options are "Answer" or "Answer".

Chuck Norris can mash a potato in one blow, with a skewer.

The last person smart-off to Chuck Norris found himself picking up his teeth with two broken arms and counting them with two black eyes.

Chuck Norris' saliva is used to euthanize Komodo dragons.

Chuck Norris can parallel park a tank.

Chuck Norris can play Angry Birds from a payphone...

Chuck Norris showed the Feds videos of him shooting 2pac and Biggie, but there was not enough evidence to convict him

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give Chuck Norris a fish, he will kill you with it.

Chuck Norris can ride a bike. Without getting on.

Chuck Norris doesn't get 2-day deliveries from Amazon, he gets his order the same day

When Chuck Norris looks into the mirror the mirror shatters because the mirror isn't even stupid enough to get between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris was young...Santa sat on his lap.

The Sun is Chuck Norris' Snuggie

The most powerful malware that no anti-virus can quarantine is called Chuck Norris' roundhouse...

Chuck Norris made the mayans extinct.

Chuck Norris once went separate ways.

Chuck Norris is the reason NWA ran straight outta Compton.

While vacationing in Japan, Chuck Norris shot a hole in one at Pebble Beach.

When economic crisis comes, you should know that Chuck Norris is playing Monopoly.

Chuck Norris can get free internet access, text messages and smart phone app functionality from train station pay phones.

Chuck Norris can tear a hole in the very fabric of space-time by simply rubbing his hands together.

Chuck Norris trims his beard with piranha"s.

Chuck Norris recently ate 4 bean burritos at a Southern CA Taco Bell. 30 minutes later, 2 miles of San Fernando Valley sewer line blew up.

Chuck Norris once turned Medusa to stone

Chuck Norris doesn't take out the garbage. Garbage knows enough to get the hell out of Chuck's house.

Chuck Norris is more self-aware than a zen monk levitating in a hall of mirrors.

Chuck Norris is why Alfred E. Neuman should worry.

When Christopher Columbus first reached the Americas Chuck Norris greeted him with a big ole Texas BBQ.

The sun really shines on Chuck Norris. We just happen to live close enough to him.

Chuck Norris can make a stop sign start.

A Mars a day helps Chuck Norris to kill assholes and shag his multitudes of women. He don't need to rest.

When Chuck Norris goes for a swim in the ocean, sharks try to punch him in the nose to avoid being attacked.

The Man works for Chuck Norris

Calculator's refuse to work around Chuck Norris in fear of outsmarting him

Chuck Norris went ice fishing and caught an igloo, the Titanic iceberg and a dead Polar Bear.

On a bad day, Chuck Norris will kill you. On a good day Chuck Norris will have only pulled your hemorrhoids out thru your nostrils.

Whenever you lie, Chuck Norris pulls the wings off a fairy, then shoves it in his mouth and sucks out all the moisture.

Chuck Norris can beatbox at over 500 bpm.

The only reason why you feel hot like sh*t is because Chuck Norris sh*t on you.

When Chuck Norris wants chicken, he really means children.

Gary Neville can kick a football 200meters, to out do Garry Chuck Norris kicked phill Neville 300 meters

How would "Gilligan's Island" been different if Chuck Norris was in charge of the SS Minnow? * No goofy sailors * No professors * No old rich people * More orgies involving Ginger and Mary Ann and their nubile friends

Chuck Norris came before the chicken or the egg.

every time Chuck Norris has a beer 17 people die

Chuck Norris' pet hamster can kick a pit bulls ass.

And just who were Rage Against The Machine killing in the name of? Chuck Norris.

Richard Simmons is an example of someone acknowledging the existence of Chuck Norris. Before they met, Richard was originally known as Fabio.

Madonna was a quiet unassuming virgin before her date with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knows exactly how many roundhouse kicks to your ass that it takes to make a poignant hemorrhoidal bouquet for you...one!

When Chuck Norris goes to bed. He checks the closest for bruce lee

Chuck Norris stole Clara's beef.

Chuck Norris' Christmas tree is actually a 20 foot Tesla coil. It is also necessary to power his electric beard trimmer.

Chuck Norris inspired R.Kelly to write the song "I Believe I Can Fly" after he received a roundhouse kick that sent him flying to the moon.

People believe we evolved from monkeys. Actually, we evolved backwards from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won the Daytona 500 in a Barbie Jeep.

Chuck Norris was actually the one who made the world, he was just modest and let god take the credit.

Chuck Norris shot tupac and biggie.

There will no longer be Mixed Martial Arts; Chuck Norris sorted them all out.

Chuck Norris got his first pair of nunchucks when he was a zygote.

Only one person cried when Chuck Norris was born and that was the doctor.... no one slaps Chuck Norris

America is not a democracy. Its a Chucktatorship ruled by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can hypnitize you by simply unzipping.

Chuck Norris makes great charcoal grilled cannibal kabobs.

The only way you can die is by Chuck Norris. If you're about to die by something else, he'll kill you a nanosecond beforehand.

Chuck Norris' favorite handgun is an M1A1 Abrams.

If you build it, Chuck Norris will come and kill you.

John Denver wrote "Thank God I'm A Country Boy" when Chuck Norris moved to the city.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at KFC. He got one.

Chuck Norris once set a magnifying glass on fire with ants...during a thunderstorm.

Tht legendary Thunderbird is Chuck Norris's pet bird.

Chuck Norris drinks unholy water.

If Chuck Norris ever died... Wait... What am I saying? He can't.

Once as a 3 year old child, Chuck Norris fell down and skinned the sidewalk with his knee.

Hurricanes are mother nature's way of running from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a man with a merciful glancing blow to the forehead. And as a result, the man now has a fivehead.

When Chuck Norris plays Combat Arms he uses only his fist

Chuck Norris was the first one to know that the bird is the word

Some people like to eat frog legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

For Chuck Norris, NOT skinning you alive the moment he sets eyes on you is considered one of his warmest greetings.

Chuck Norris can rob a bank with a squirt gun.

There are more than 1 billion Chinese people throughout the world because Chuck Norris likes Chinese food.

Blackouts are caused by Chuck Norris charging his iPhone.

When Chuck Norris sends you a poke on Facebook, it kills you.

The real question is "What would a Klondike Bar do for Chuck Norris?"

Chuck Norris dis-assimilated The Borg with paperclip and a can opener.

Chuck Norris was once asked if he liked soccer. The last thing the questioner ever saw was Chuck's boot just before his decapitation.

A school decided to motivate its students by putting up "Chuck Norris is Watching You" posters around the building. Within 2 months, discipline problems fell to zero and test scores went up 300%.

Chuck Norris has a cameo in Armageddon, The day after tomorrow, 2012, and war of the worlds... as the same role.

When Freddy Krueger falls asleep , Chuck Norris appears to kick his ass!

Chuck Norris once killed a T-rex With A lion

Chuck Norris's Round House Kick causes particle accelaration.

The Aboriginal witch doctors of Australia consider Chuck Norris a godlike spirit-man for his ability to fart loud didgeridoo-like tones that paralyze wambats and other indigenous tablefare.

Born 12 feet tall, Chuck Norris shrinks himself 20% every 1,000 years to "keep killing interesting".