All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris' saliva is the fountain of youth.

The pie scene in american pie was originally a dare made to Chuck Norris, except the pie was actually a volcano crater.

Chuck Norris has his Budweiser shaken, not stirred.

Super Man's nacked eye can withstand a bullet. Chuck Norris' middle finger can reflect a laser beam and kill the shooter between the eyes.

Chuck Norris is allowed to play Stairway To Heaven.

Chuck Norris scared the Black out of Eminem.

Chuck Norris Just Saw Jackass 3D He Was Mad At Johnny Knoxville For Making A Film About Things Chuck Did At The Age Of 5

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked all the American out of Johnny Depp.

The NeverEnding Story ended, because Chuck Norris got tired of watching.

Chuck Norris showed musical talent at a very young age. He was humming "Bad To The Bone" when his Doctor delivered him.

If Chuck Norris had a penny for each roundhouse kick he delivered, the world supply of iron would have been long gone.

Chuck Norris doesn't clip his fingernails. He rips them with his bare hands and regrows new ones immediately.

Chuck Norris is actually slightly vulnerable to attack only in the first few seconds after impregnating a fresh virgin. So there you go, all Norris-haters - you have at least two minutes a day to try it if you dare.

Gorillas engage in fights only after making sure Chuck Norris is not watching them stealthly.

There is a reason why Chuck Norris' farts smell like dead tigers.

Chuck Norris underwent successful hemorrhoid surgery yesterday. The surgeon had to use "the jaws of life" and a set of bolt cutters to complete the procedure

Chuck Norris one rode a trike. When he got off of it, it was a motorcycle ,measuring to be 16 feet tall and 72 feet long, with mounted grenade launchers and bazookas. He still keeps it in his garage.

Chuck Norris is the reason you can't see vampires in mirrors.

Darth Vader's lightsaber is a replica of Chuck Norris' shlong.

Chuck Norris gives up his shadow for Lent.

When Chuck Norris was 9 he was out trick or treating and ran into Freddy Kruger. Chuck kicked the crap out of Freddy then took his candy.

Chuck Norris can belive its not butter

When Chuck Norris got his vasectomy, the Doctor put his scalpel back in the drawer and used a chainsaw.

The only man alive that scares Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

If you and Chuck happen to be wearing the same clothes, Chuck Norris is better dressed than you.

One time, Chuck Norris was crossing the street without looking both ways. He ran over a car.

Chuck Norris once kicked Doyle Brunson's ace.

Chuck Norris once lit up a cigar in the Sahara Forest.

Want to end illegal immigration from all corners of the world? Four words: Chuck Norris, INS Commissioner.

Chuck Norris can take the way into the heart of Robin Scherbatzky while mosbying her.

When God told Chuck Norris he was going to create the earth in six days Chuck Norris said you better or else.

Chuck Norris stuffs lockers into bullies

After drinking a case of Corona beer, Chuck Norris' urine smells like a steaming platter of chicken fajitas.

The only time Chuck Norris felt sadness was when he read Nuck Chorris' jokes.

Chuck Norris can run Windows Vista without it crashing...on a 286!

You can totally tell that the chick who won Eurovision was fathered by Chuck Norris.

A man once told Chuck Norris that he and everyone would be wise to learn to "expect the unexpected" in life's journey. Chuck Norris then immediately roundhouse kicked the man in the face and said, "did you expect that?"

Every morning, Chuck Norris has a bowl of nails for breakfast.

Chuck Norris recently appeared on a 15-minute segment of 'Good Morning America', to promote and demonstrate the Total Gym 1000, while holding a bison in a headlock.

Chuck Norris was once invited to a Square Dance Hoedown. For clear and obvious reasons, there were no survivors.

Chuck Norris recently stated that cigars taste 'considerably better' when lit off of a flaming human corpse.

Chuck Norris gave out the location of Osama Bin Laden!

Chuck Norris can kick his way out of a black hole's Schwartzchild radius.

George Thorogood was inspired by Chuck Norris, when he composed "Bad to the Bone".

When Chuck Norris gives his song and dance, he sings Bad To The Bone while he dances on your face.

Chuck Norris was asked to donate blood. He proceed to donate 6 quarts... Simply by roundhouse kicking the flabotomist.

If Chuck Norris was God, there would be no sand but only concrete, no water but only Liquir.

Chuck Norris can lick your tattoos off.

Chuck Norris' first car was a bulldozer.

Chuck Norris can whistle in sign language.

A good man is hard to find, but Chuck Norris can easily find one and snap him over his knee.

Chuck Norris put the bop in the bop shoo wop shoo wop. He also put the ram in the ramalama-ding-dong.

When Chuck Norris was little, his parents bought him an anvil for his playpen. He broke it immediately.

How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if the wood chuck was Chuck Norris? All of it.

Chuck Norris can open locked doors. Without a key.

Chuck Norris knows what you did last winter.

When Chuck Norris goes to the airport, TSA agents grope themselves.

Manual doors open automatically for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was surfing and came face to face with a huge Great White shark. The shark quickly swam away after sustaining a very serious Chuck Norris bite.

If Superman and The Flash had a race to the end of the world, Chuck Norris would be the winner.

Many people can make rocks skip on water. Chuck Norris does it better -- by skipping entire islands.

Like many other magnificient creatures, Chuck Norris has his own mating season, we know this season better as winter

Chuck Norris doesn't have a nervous system. He has a supremely tough and confident system.

Chuck Norris invented "That's what she said", and your mom went, 'oh yeah'

Chuck Norris can turn even the safest firework into an instrument of mass destruction.

Orange Bird is both the smallest and largest bird in Angry Birds Theme 18-2. Chuck Norris has both the smallest and largest 8=D.

Music soothes the savage beast... unless, of course, the savage beast in question is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can match the pwer packed taste of Sunny D.

Some people are lactose intolerant. Dairy is Chuck Norris intolerant.

In his high school year book, Chuck Norris was named " most likely to kick you in the face ".

The six stages of grief: 1.Denial 2.Anger 3.Bargaining 4.Depression 5.Acceptance 6.Being Killed By Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a hole into a cow, just to see what was coming down the road.

Chuck Norris died once. when greated by the grim reaper chuck proceded 2 round house kick the reaper.long story short death will never make that mistake again

Chuck Norris made a legless man run for his life.

Garmin GPS Googles Chuck Norris for directions.

Black-eyed peas were normal peas before Chuck Norris decided he didn't like peas.

Chuck Norris is Wolverine's favorite X-Man.

Chuck Norris can stop the space-time continum

How do you know when Chuck Norris has been in your house? You are now homeless. And, more often than not, dead.

Chuck Norris can bring a gun to a lightsaber duel

As a child, Chuck Norris played Hot Potato with live hand grenades.

Jesus could turn water into wine. Chuck Norris can turn his own piss into award-winning top shelf whiskey.

A cab driver in Paris received a near fatal roundhouse to his face from Chuck Norris. It was Chuck Norris' way of saying Hi in French.

Chuck Norris invented taking credit for other people's inventions. But he has also invented heaps of stuff

The National Weather Service was going to name a hurricane after Chuck Norris but television stations would not allow them to call it "Hurricane Fuck'em Up Chuck".

Once Chuck Norris pissed off anger, and that is how happiness was invented.

Chuck Norris is the best thing since sliced bread, which of course, was invented by by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow

GOD created the world in 6 days, what did he do on his rest day? HE CREATED CHUCK NORRIS

Chuck Norris was born at the speed of sound into the forehead of a Nazi.

Chuck Norris once ate a rubix cube. He pooped it out solved

Chuck Norris throw Gun powder over his frenchfries.

Chuck Norris flosses with lightning.

The only time Chuck Norris has ever had his butt whooped is when the doctor did it when he was born. The Dr. has been in hiding ever since.

Chuck Norris was at a restaurant when the waitress asked if he would like to try their Tofu. Chuck said "lady, I'd rather piss upwind in a hurricane".

Phonics are hooked on Chuck Norris.

When playing craps, Chuck Norris only uses one die. And he always rolls a 7.

It wasn't the a-bomb that annihilated nagasaki and hiroshima during WWII..it was Chuck Norris jumping out of the plane and punching the ground.

Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

It's actually incorrect to say that Chuck Norris does not give a fuck. He had no fucks in the first place. One cannot give fucks that one does not have.