All Chuck Norris Facts

Santa Claus believes in Chuck Norris.

Scientists warn about the AI singularity — the moment machines become smarter than humans. Chuck Norris calls that 'Tuesday.'

Chuck Norris riverdanced on Michael Flatley's face.

If you don't make these jokes funny, Chuck Norris will run all the way around the world in a millasecond and roundhouse kick you in the face!

Chuck Norris can repaint the mona lisa with no paint.

Chuck Norris went to the bottom of the bottomless pit, he was so pissed there was a bottom, he roundhouse kicked it and now it truly is bottomless

The pressure at the Earth's deepest point is more than 1000 times the normal atmospheric force, or about 1 tenth of the force of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris' earlobes can roundhouse kick your face through the back of your skull.

Chuck Norris discovered dark rings around Uranus. No, not the planet.

There is a huge marthon with 300 of the fastest people in the world.Do you know who was the fastest and has already won? You guessed it,Chuck Norris

There is no Zool. Only Chuck Norris.

Ghostbusters call Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once won on the TV reality show, Top Chef, by microwaving a corncob.

When Bruce Banner gets mad,he turns into the Hulk.When Chuck Norris gets mad,the Hulk turns and runs.

Chuck Norris' cut his own ambilical cord. (;

Chuck Norris is never in a DMV longer than two minutes. Most of this time is him shooting the shit with the staff!

Chuck Norris had a razor named after him, made by Gillette for women. He is the best a woman can get.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade which killed 50 people...then it exlpoded.

When the Bible said God made man in his own image, it did not mean all men. Just Chuck Norris.

If you accidentally sit in Chuck Norris' seat at the opera, expect to have a clarinet jammed up your ass by intermission.

Chuck Norris use to eat clowns but they taste funny.

A Klondike bar would do anything for Chuck Norris.

If I had a nickel for every Chuck Norris joke out there...

Chuck Norris drinks a special protein shake made entirely from blended chimpanzee brains.

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick the air around him and it bleeds wind.

Chuck Norris' ringtone is considered a weapon of mass destruction.

Chuck Norris is a man of his word. Every contract he signs, he signs in blood....Your Blood for doubting his word

Chuck Norris dosemt tell yo mama jokes, yo mama tells Chuck Norris JOKES

The Earth does not revolve around the sun...this is because the sun revolves around Chuck Norris, who lives on Earth

Chuck Norris dosen't sing in the rain. Chuck Norris sings in Category 5 tornado and hurricanes.

Chuck Norris was recently bitten by a vampire. After a couple drops of Chucks blood, the vampire screamed and burst into flames.

A Chuck Norris fact a day keeps his roundhouse kicks away.

On NCIS, when Gibbs wants your attention he gives you a head slap. When Chuck Norris wants your attention, he gives you a skull punch.

Senses come to their Chuck Norris.

All of Chuck Norris' limbs act as natural particle accelerators.

Brokeback Mountain isn't just a movie, it's also a pile of dead ninjas in Chuck Norris's backyard.

A UFO tried to abduct Chuck Norris once. When the aliens woke up three hours later, they had no memory of what had happened, but did find that their watches had stopped and their asses were really sore...

Chuck Norris can shove a CD in his mouth and music will come out his ears.

If Chuck Norris starts a Twerk flash mob in Syria the government of Syria would surrender.

Chuck Norris didn't like this joke, so he deleted it by roundhouse kicking it.

Chuck Norris doesn't "style" his hair, it lays down out of sheer terror.

Chuck Norris always wins at "Battleship." No one has the guts to even fire a shot.

Chuck Norris is the only man ever to beat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

They stoped making Chuck Norris movies because you don't watch Chuck Norris he watches you

Chuck Norris came, he saw, he conquered--in reverse order.

Chuck Norris is the only person on earth who can rhyme 'orange' with 'lozenge'.

Chuck Norris isn't gay, he's just run out of women

Chuck Norris can pull a hat out of a rabbit.

Chuck Norris walked in a chinese restaurant and asked for Chicken Parmesan with Bruschetta bread...and got it.

Chuck Norris made the Big Bang when he was in space. The way he did it is by just clapping so hard that it made a "Big bang". Get it?

Many a class 5 Oklahoma tornado were started when Chuck Norris was preparing to lasso a steer.

Bloody Mary is afraid of saying Chuck Norris three times in the mirror

Chuck Norris isn't the man he used to be. He's even better.

Chuck Norris made up these jokes because he wants the public to be informed.

Inspired by the 2004 Athens Olympics, Chuck Norris invented the roundhouse kick dive while visiting New Orleans..it's now known as Katrina

A man once tried to beat Chuck Norris with his pennis,,,that man is now known as Rosie O'Donnell!!

Chuck Norris always have butterflies in his stomach because he eats butterflies for breakfast

There are only three things in the world that are a sure kill. 1. Kirby's Super Inhale. 2. Captain Falcon's Falcon Punch. 3. Chuck Norris's Roundhouse Kick.

Chuck Norris can swallow a bannana and make you look gay.

All the Chuck Norris facts you have read or ever will read took place within the first minute of him creating himself.

Chuck Norris can speak in any of 37 foreign languages in a Dyslexic format.

The earth was once called Pangaea until Chuck Norris stepped on a crack.

When Chuck Norris makes love to a woman, the Earth literally moves for her, at least at 3.5 on the Richter Scale.

the only thing that ever beats Chuck Norris to the punch is the face "said" punch is aimed at.

Chuck Norris can win a marathon hopping backward on one foot and pulling a brigade of tanks.

Chuck Norris invented the alphabets cos he was tired of being the only man with education.

Chuck Norris eats honey badgers for breakfast

Chuck Norris does not urinate. He excretes crystals of hardened urea, which are polished by Egyptians and used as diamonds.

Chuck Norris can punch you in the eye through Google Glass.

Chuck Norris taught spongebob how to make a camp fire. Underwater.

July 20, 1969....... The day Chuck Norris became the first black man to land on the moon.

It's good to be the king. Until Chuck Norris snaps your fucking neck from behind.

Over the years, Chuck Norris has had thousands of tattoos, but because of his healing factor they usually fade within a few hours. He just sometimes likes to impress his dates by getting big sleeves, back-tatts and a '666' on his forehead.

If Chuck Norris ever allowed a sports team to be named after him, that team would never lose again...except when Chuck Norris played against it.

Chuck Norris turned his clock back 25 years last night.

Sand is created by Chuck Norris shouting at rocks.

The City of Douche, NJ formally changed it's name to Hackensack after Chuck Norris spent a night in the local Motel 6 & simultaniously screwed 12 of the city's female taxi drivers.

Mother Teresa said Chuck Norris was the only man she ever wanted to marry.

Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.

Chuck Norris can submerge himself in water and come out dry.

Chuck Norris was born May,6 1945. Nazi Germany surrendered May,7 1945. Coincidence? I think not.

Chuck Norris can look into infinity and see the back of his own head.

Chuck Norris once ripped a massive hole in the fabric of space-time several hours after a Montezuma's binge.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the universe in the face and said "get a job".

Weed should be legal cause i smoke it and so does Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was born during a firefight. The police captain threw him a Glock.

Chuck Norris can place his handprint in dry cement.

Sotheby's once auctioned off 1/4 lb of Chuck Norris toenail clippings for $400,000.

After seeing ''The Blair Witch Project'', Chuck Norris went into the woods, found the Blair Witch, and roundhouse-kicked it repeatedly until it died. When Chuck Norris pays 6 dollars to see a witch movie, you'd better show him a fuckin' witch.

A man once introduced Chuck Norris as Carlos Ray (Chuck) Norris at a Texas law enforcement convention. Scientists now have no proof that that man ever existed.

Eternal life use to exist until Chuck Norris uninvented it, now Chuck decides who lives and dies

Chuck Norris is the only man who can kick the shit OUT of you, then back in.

Chuck Norris loves to eat puffer fish.

If you scramble the letters in the words "Chuck Norris" you can spell the words "death" and "roundhouse".

Chuck Norris doesn't smile, his mouth smiles for him.

Mel Gibson pretended to be a Lethal Weapon. Chuck Norris is a Lethal Weapon.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked SpongeBob SquarePants in the butt so hard that SpongeBob had to legally change his name to SpongeBob ParallelogramPants.

JFK always said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what Chuck Norris can fit his schlong into'.

Elon Musk proposed the Hyperloop for high-speed travel. Chuck Norris already travels at that speed. He calls it 'walking.'

Chuck Norris doesn't use a microwave to pop his popcorn. He simply sits the package on the counter and the kernals jump in fear of a round house kick