All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris walked in a Chinese restaurant and asked for Chicken Parmesan with Bruschetta bread... and got it.

Chuck Norris made the Big Bang when he was in space. The way he did it is by just clapping so hard that it made a "Big bang". Get it?

Many a class 5 Oklahoma tornado were started when Chuck Norris was preparing to lasso a steer.

Bloody Mary is afraid of saying Chuck Norris three times in the mirror.

Chuck Norris isn't the man he used to be. He's even better.

Chuck Norris made up these jokes because he wants the public to be informed.

Inspired by the 2004 Athens Olympics, Chuck Norris invented the roundhouse kick dive while visiting New Orleans..it's now known as Katrina.

A man once tried to beat Chuck Norris with his pennis,,,that man is now known as Rosie O'Donnell!!

Chuck Norris always have butterflies in his stomach because he eats butterflies for breakfast.

There are only three things in the world that are a sure kill. 1. Kirby's Super Inhale. 2. Captain Falcon's Falcon Punch. 3. Chuck Norris's Roundhouse Kick.

Chuck Norris can swallow a banana and make you look gay.

All the Chuck Norris facts you have read or ever will read took place within the first minute of him creating himself.

Chuck Norris can speak in any of 37 foreign languages in a Dyslexic format.

The earth was once called Pangaea until Chuck Norris stepped on a crack.

When Chuck Norris makes love to a woman, the Earth literally moves for her, at least at 3.5 on the Richter Scale.

The only thing that ever beats Chuck Norris to the punch is the face "said" punch is aimed at.

Chuck Norris can win a marathon hopping backward on one foot and pulling a brigade of tanks.

Chuck Norris invented the alphabets cos he was tired of being the only man with education.

Chuck Norris eats honey badgers for breakfast.

Chuck Norris does not urinate. He excretes crystals of hardened urea, which are polished by Egyptians and used as diamonds.

Chuck Norris can punch you in the eye through Google Glass.

Chuck Norris taught SpongeBob how to make a camp fire. Underwater.

July 20, 1969....... The day Chuck Norris became the first black man to land on the moon.

Over the years, Chuck Norris has had thousands of tattoos, but because of his healing factor they usually fade within a few hours. He just sometimes likes to impress his dates by getting big sleeves, back-tatts and a '666' on his forehead.

If Chuck Norris ever allowed a sports team to be named after him, that team would never lose again... except when Chuck Norris played against it.

Chuck Norris turned his clock back 25 years last night.

Sand is created by Chuck Norris shouting at rocks.

The City of Douche, NJ formally changed its name to Hackensack after Chuck Norris spent a night in the local Motel 6 & simultaneously screwed 12 of the city's female taxi drivers.

Mother Teresa said Chuck Norris was the only man she ever wanted to marry.

Multiple people have died from Chuck Norris giving them the finger.

Chuck Norris can submerge himself in water and come out dry.

Chuck Norris can look into infinity and see the back of his own head.

Chuck Norris once ripped a massive hole in the fabric of space-time several hours after a Montezuma's binge.

In the beginning, there was nothing. Then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the universe in the face and said "get a job".

Weed should be legal because I smoke it and so does Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was born during a firefight. The police captain threw him a Glock.

Chuck Norris can place his handprint in dry cement.

Sotheby's once auctioned off 1/4 lb of Chuck Norris toenail clippings for $400,000.

A man once introduced Chuck Norris as Carlos Ray (Chuck) Norris at a Texas law enforcement convention. Scientists now have no proof that that man ever existed.

Eternal life use to exist until Chuck Norris uninvented it, now Chuck decides who lives and dies.

Chuck Norris loves to eat puffer fish.

If you scramble the letters in the words "Chuck Norris" you can spell the words "death" and "roundhouse".

Chuck Norris doesn't smile. His mouth smiles for him.

Mel Gibson pretended to be a Lethal Weapon. Chuck Norris is a Lethal Weapon.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked SpongeBob SquarePants in the butt so hard that SpongeBob had to legally change his name to SpongeBob ParallelogramPants.

JFK always said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what Chuck Norris can fit his schlong into'.

Elon Musk proposed the Hyperloop for high-speed travel. Chuck Norris already travels at that speed. He calls it 'walking.'

Chuck Norris doesn't use a microwave to pop his popcorn. He simply sits the package on the counter and the kernels jump in fear of a round house kick.

Chuck Norris catches the bus one handed.

Chuck Norris has an uncredited cameo in Predator. His beard plays the jungle.

SpaceX catches rocket boosters with giant mechanical arms. Chuck Norris catches them with one hand while eating breakfast.

No one can be sure what Chuck Norris looking at, only that it has 5 seconds left to live.

Chuck Norris can drive a pop-up camper.

When Chuck Norris was 5, he got 2 wheeler like his friends.. Their 2 wheelers were bicycles, Chucks was a Harley.

Lightning put Chuck Norris rods on the roof of its house.

Chuck Norris can "get a grip on yourself".

Chuck Norris' gigantic hemorrhoids smell like a potpourri sachet.

Chuck Norris broke the speed of sound. With his elbow.

Most people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris's beard and Mr. T mohawk are 2nd cousins!

The International Monetary Fund is in debt to Chuck Norris.

As a teenager, Chuck Norris had a summer job. He was a lumberjack in the Sahara rainforest.

Chuck Norris chugs bottles of whiskey as if they were cans of light beer.

Kings buy Chuck Norris size beds.

You know when you have so much fun it feels like time flies by so fast....... That's Chuck Norris telling Father Time to hurry up and get to the part where he roundhouse kicks you to death.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Sam Jackson is the only person to ever out-surf Chuck Norris at Chadderton baths. Incidentally, Chuck roundhouse kicked him in the face, and the force put him in a roundhouse induced coma for the rest of his natural life...

Chuck Norris spent a day digging a canal in the United States. We know that project as the Mississippi River.

Jesus is the only person in history who was not killed by Chuck Norris; when Chuck Norris kills someone, they stay dead.

The Illuminati still exist today only because they deliver Chuck Norris' pizzas.

As a toddler, little Chuck Norris would cut the paper into star shapes with a pair of hedge clippers.

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn; he dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris knows how many kicks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop: one.

Chuck Norris can eat Green Eggs and Ham anywhere he wants to.

Chuck Norris can make your nightmares come true. By roundhouse kicking you.

Chuck Norris was peeling an onion. He made the onion cry.

Chuck Norris pulls the grenade and throws the pin, on purpose...

Chuck Norris can kill you in 17 interesting and horrifying ways just by shaking your hand.

Chuck Norris is what the butler saw.

When Chuck Norris was in the Air Force, everyone, even the generals, saluted him first.

Chuck Norris studied abroad for two years. Then he studied her sister.

This is a website for NEW AND ONLY NEW Chuck Norris Facts. If Chuck Norris finds out(and he will find out) you have posted one that you read or heard....Beg for Merciful God to take you and not Chuck Norris.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

Quantum physicists have found that the only source of energy immense enough to cause subatomic particles to travel backward in time as Neutrino's is Chuck Norris's roundhouse.

All your base are belong to Chuck Norris.

In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris makes joke about you.

It is a scientific fact that the only reason the 'Dark Knight' trilogy was any good was because it was directed by a guy who had the same initials as Chuck Norris.

Liam Neeson was taken by Chuck Norris.

You can get tetanus simply by staring at Chuck Norris' beard for too long.

Chuck Norris was so ugly when he was born that his mom threw him away and kept the afterbirth.

Chuck Norris commits armed robbery with other people's arms.

Chuck Norris doesn't care about complex numbers ... nothing is complex for him!

Chuck Norris can make a Snooker 147 maximum break with a single shot.

Chuck Norris can hit a bull in the butt with a banjo.

Chuck Norris smokes rolled-up newspapers.

Chuck Norris is the one. Not Keanu Reeves, or Jet Li, and DEFINITELY not Christopher Lambert.

Chuck Norris uses his pet guinea pig, Whiskers, to hunt mountain lions.

Chuck Norris can watch DVDs in a VCR player.

Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That is why there are no signs of life there.

Tigers developed stripes as an evolutionary strategy. Chuck Norris made them an endangered species anyway.