All Chuck Norris Facts

Stephen Spielberg and George Lucas both witnessed Chuck Norris survive a nuclear explosion in an ice box.

Chuck Norris is who the lead singer of The Divynals thinks about when she touches herself.

Chuck Norris choked Kim Jong-Il to death with some spicy cabbage.

Elon Musk's Terafab will produce a terawatt of computing power per year. Chuck Norris produces that every time he cracks his knuckles.

Chuck Norris' scrotem smells like a potpourri sachet.

As a child, 6 year old Chuck Norris would walk 17 miles to the zoo on misty summer mornings just to suddenly wake-up a few silverback Mountain Gorillas in order to have something to play with.

When Chuck Norris sleeps, time stops.

Chuck Norris' childhood asthma allowed him to breathe underwater.

Chuck Norris is the reason why babies cry.

Chuck Norris' beard has a Twitter account, a Myspace page, and a bestselling biography by Mick Wall. A HBO miniseries is currently in the works.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in its chin. Its decendants are now known as giraffes.

Chuck Norris knows more about propaganda then Noam Chomsky.

Chuck Norris can mine obsidian with a wooden pickaxe. In Minecraft.

Knock...Knock. "Who's there?" (Door crashes into room, building collapses, mushroom cloud) "Chuck Norris."

A bird in the hand is worth two in the tree. Chuck Norris is worth six hundred and sixty-six trillion dollars and the Budweiser brewery.

Chuck Norris shaves with a hunting knife. "Shaving" consists of cutting a new mouth-hole every morning. That's how tough his beard is.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

If Chuck Norris says to you "Truth or dare?", he's not playing the game...

Chuck Norris flosses with piano wire.

Kryptonite is actually a piece of Chuck Norris's nose booger

Great minds think alike, false. Great minds think like Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris puts the G in G-spot.

No...Chuck Norris does not like Kumquats but he does like to Kum-in-quats.

Chuck Norris can ignore the call of nature for 36 hours, but he can never ignore the call of duty.

What happens when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object? This is a trick question, for there can never be two of Chuck Norris.

Tim Tebow prays to Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is sometimes looks so black, that when he jumps in a swimming pool it looks like an oil spill.

Pac-Man was based on Chuck Norris. They both eat souls.

Roundhoused kicked by Chuck Norris... Life ruined forever.

Chuck Norris invented the internet so people could talk about how great Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris called himself Walker because he doesn't need to run.

Chuck Norris participated in the 2005 home run derby, he has yet to receive the "Golden Ball".

Chuck Norris is the greatest matador who ever lived.

None of the world's greatest chess grandmasters will any longer play against Chuck Norris because he always Checkmates them on his first move.

Chuck Norris is a bulldozer with a beard.

If Chuck Norris is a zombie, your screwed.

always capitalize Chuck Norris's name. always.

Chuck Norris is faster than Lightning.

Chuck Norris is allowed to draw pictures of Mohammad

Chuck Norris ordered some sushi in a Chinese restaurant and got one.

When smokey the bear comes up on tv saying "only you can prevent wildfires" most people don't see Chuck Norris in the background. To bad for those people.

If you sneeze on Chuck Norris, He'll sneeze at you back. Which will blow you away.

Fact: The closest a fist has ever come to Chuck Norris' face is when he eats. In fact, there's a Hollywood legend that when Chuck Norris eats a hot dog, they have to slow the film down just so you can see it.

If you somehow survive a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris, you'd still go to jail for head butting his foot.

Many people do not realize that Chuck Norris has been a bouncer for many, many years. EVERY guy that's ever mouthed off to Chuck has had his face bounced off the asphalt.

Chuck Norris is credited for carrying Hannibal's elephants across the Alps.

An elderly man accidentally let his Buick roll into Chuck Norris' new Lexus. Chuck was furious and got violent. Chuck punched out the Buick.

When you die you don't go to heaven, you go to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris despises the color yellow, and can stand it for only about 12 hours at a time. Which is why the sun hides daily.

Chuck Norris doesn't name his kids, he numbers them.

Chuck Norris' beard is what protects us from the sun's destructive ionizing radiation.

Chuck Norris can teach his teachings to teach better.

Chuck Norris rickrolls Rick Astley.

The only thing scarier than a black hole is a Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris look in the mirror, even his reflection runs off.

Chuck Norris doesn't take life for granted - he just takes lives.

Chuck Norris melted Mt Kilauea with a 6 pack of ice cold beer.

Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."

Chuck Norris once shoved a watermelon up Gallagher's nose. Then shattered it with a flying roundhouse kick. Thus, proving that Gallagher is scatter-brained.

When Chuck Norris was in high school he was the star of his debate team. It was quite a feat for someone whose rebuttal was always; "no".

Chuck Norris is never late, NEVER.

how do you put out a forest fire? you have Chuck Norris fart on it.

Jason didn't drown Chuck Norris pulled him under

Chuck Norris can sky dive from the ground into the plane.

Converse were originally called Chuck Norris...not Chuck Taylor.

Chuck Norris' tongue is actually an atypical proboscis which he has adapted to absorb the last few drops of liquid & foam from the bottom of his beer cans.

When The terminator said "I'll be back", he was actually going to seek the help of Chuck Norris.

The universe was created from Chuck Norris' saliva that came out of his mouth when he sneezed.

Chuck Norris is the one who killed Chivalry.

Chuck Norris went to a beauty salon yesterday to get a pedi and have his crotch waxed. There were NO survivors.

During WWII, it was really Chuck Norris we dropped on Hiroshima.

Chuck Norris wants to feel you on the inside.

Chuck Norris uses a live Cobra for a hatband. It stays in place because it's frozen in fear.

Chuck Norris don't wait for Santa Clause,Santa Clause waits for Chuck Norris.

If you waste even one second of Chuck Norris' time you will spend eternity in hell.

They say lightning never strikes in the same place twice - tell that to last guy to receive a one,two punch from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's checks never bounce.

Chuck Norris threw your only trash can in the trash.

Chuck Norris can turn a cave into a tunnel.

Newtons third law of motion states that Every action has a reaction equal in magnitude and opposite in direction When Chuck Norris uses his roundhouse kick there is only action.

Chuck Norris didn't like watching Aaron Hernandez play football. So he sent him to prison so he wouldn't have to see him play again.

When Chuck Norris throws a ball, it crushes someone like a wrecking ball. I blame miley cyrus.

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.

on December 21 2012 the worlds ass will be putting up a vacancy sign and Chuck Norris foot is looking for a room and that's how the world will end

Chuck Norris told Mike Portnoy to leave Dream Theater.

if you dont agree with Chuck Norris god management beware of roundhouse kick so

In the late 1800's Chuck Norris' nickname was "Polio". And the reason for that nickname was not sloely because he has iron lungs.

Chuck Norris is the illegitimate father of Casey Heynes (look it up).

Chuck Norris has won the AFI lifetime achievement award, twice.

Chuck Norris has been to Jupiter; that's why there's the big red spot.

Chuck Norris does not dodge bullets, bullets dodge him out of fear.

Chuck Norris once wrestled a huge alligator for over 9 hours before he realized that he was actually masterbating.

Chuck Norris won the National Pie Eating Contest by devoring 168 hotdogs in less than 10 minutes.

As a one-man band, Chuck Norris can do note-perfect renditions of Slipknot songs.

Chuck Norris knows what Willis was talking about

When Chuck Norris switches on his computer, it skips the bootup process and goes straight to the desktop.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a send button on his email, it knows its role.

If you try to drop kick Chuck Norris, you should stay down there.

Chuck Norris gargles with thumbtacks.

Actually, it was Chuck Norris that fought The Battle of Jericho. Joshua later played taps.