All Chuck Norris Facts

Sir Issac Newton developed his groundbreaking theories on gravitation after he recovered from being almost killed by an apple thrown by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris plays Jenga with brick buildings.

Chuck Norris doesn't clip his fingernails... he rips them out with his bare hands and regrows new ones immediately.

Chuck Norris sells weapons-grade plutonium to school kids.

Chuck Norris loves to plant tubes of springing snakes in bodies to be autopsied.

Carly Fiorina once crawled through the entire Waco, TX sewer system just to watch Chuck Norris take a shit in a Taco Bell restroom.

Chuck Norris was once bitten by a Rattle Snake... After 3 Days of suffering the rattle snake died!

Nightmares have Chuck Norris-mares.

Unlike Elvis Costello, Chuck Norris was Punching The Detectives.

Chuck Norris is the only grown man alive that can wear Superhero Jammie's and no one will give him crap about it.

Chuck Norris believes that for every action there is an equal and opposite roundhouse kick to your head.

Chuck Norris can TKO King Hippo in Mike Tyson's Punch Out.

Chuck Norris is so fast that when he stops he has to wait for his shadow to arrive.

Chuck Norris sometimes wishes that alcohol could affect him. He has drunk 5 bottles of whiskey a day for the past 20 years, and still nothing.

Every convicted killer in the history of the world has been innocent. They were all just covering for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris Can Cut a Box In Half With 1 Finger

Chuck Norris likes to joust with a flagpole and a quad bike. He also pole vaults this way (9 gold medals).

Chuck Norris can win a connect 4 in 3 moves

Alls well that ends well. But if your life ends with a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick, all is not well.

Chuck Norris uses the woods as the bathrooom.

"Elect Chuck Norris for Pope".

Chuck Norris took down god zilla in 1894.

The Cybertruck was designed to be bulletproof. It still can't survive a Chuck Norris glance.

Chuck Norris is the only co-star he can work with.

Jesus' last words, before giving up the ghost in Aramaic were "Eloi Eloi lama sabachthani". The approximate translation into modern English: Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris, please don't roundhouse kick me!

Chuck Norris once threw a hand grenade into a crowd of 50 people , killing everyone of them.....then the grenade went off.

Chuck Norris plays Rusiian rulette with full barrels, and he always wins.

The invasion of America in Modern Warfare 2 insulted Chuck Norris by blowing up his house - he walked across the Pacific to Russia and promptly roundhouse kicked Moscow in the face, thereby ending the war.

Chuck Norris plays pool with comets and astroids. He shoots them into black holes.

Of course Chuck Norris doesn't use cleaning agents for his toilet, his piss does the job

Chuck Norris can kill a grizzly-bear with its own teeth.

In 2014 Chuck Norris invested 1 cent with a Wall Street investment firm. As of today he became a billionaire.

Chuck Norris has a pentagram tattooed around his cornhole.

Chuck Norris invented the word 'mortuary' so he would have a place to stack cadavers.

Chuck Norris roundhoused a hole in the roof of Cowboys Stadium so that God can watch his favorite team play.

Chuck Norris had what Meg Ryan was having.

Chuck Norris once paid a chef in Australia to cook him up a koala bear.

The U.S. Coast Guard has recognized Chuck Norris' gonads and nut sack as a legal personal floatation device.

Chuck Norris has an 11-inch prehensile tongue.

The movie 'Caligula' was inspired by the average Chuck Norris house party.

If iron and steel can talk, they wanna call Chuck Norris daddy.

Chuck Norris cleans his earwax out with a Dremel tool.

If you type in the best person in the world you get pictures of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once possessed an evil spirit.

It's Chuck Norris' world; we are just living in it.

Chuck Norris created a mountain so heavy he could not lift it........ Then lifted it just to show who the fuck Chuck Norris is.

Rocks learn from Chuck Norris on how to be rocks.

Chuck Norris keeps a shotgun in his wallet.

Chuck Norris actually means God in spanish, english, german, roundhouse, arabic, french, assassin, italian and just go with it or he'll kick you

When does the Chuck Norris roundhouse kick strike? The answer is, anywhere, at any time, so hide in a hole forever...just in case he is looking for you.

Chuck Norris wears a full samurai suit as pajamas.

'The Hurt Locker' is also the name of where Chuck Norris used to keep his homework, gym shorts, and assorted students and teachers he didn't like.

Haiti once talked about Chuck Norris' momma, we all know what happened to Haiti.

When asked how he wanted to die, Saddam Hussein requested a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the head. Saddam died instantly.

Chuck Norris dosn't climb mountains; mountains climb Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.

Chuck Norris dedicates at least three hours every day to conceiving new life.

Chuck Norris knows it's funny until someone gets hurt... THAN IT'S HILARIOUS.

Chuck Norris' newest pet is a rocket pig. Chuck says the coolest thing about it is, if you ever get tired of flying your rocket pig, you can just turn it into bacon. Win, win!!

In the sport of bull riding staying on for 8 seconds is success. In Texas there is a sport called Chuck Norris riding. To date no bull has been able to stay on Chuck Norris for more then 3 seconds.

Chuck Norris wrote half of "War and Peace" in a day. Guess which half.

Harry Potter's teacher was Chuck Norris

Salman Rushdie is afraid of the fatwa on him... but is utterly terrified that Chuck Norris is even slightly irked at him.

Gordon Ramsay features Chuck Norris' Toaster Strudel recipe in all of his restaurants.

Fanboys such as Genwunners are made when Chuck Norris is hungry for the exact part of the brain that accepts opinions.

The reason why the truth hurts, is because Chuck Norris round-house kicked it in the face

Chuck Norris`s calender doesn`t need a leap year. Its more acurate than ours.

Chuck Norris is here to kick ass and take names, but doesn't bother to do that second thing.

There are only two true wonders of the world... and they are both down Chuck Norris' pants.

Chuck Norris changes the weather with his moods.

Chuck Norris really wants to hurt Boy George.

Chuck Norris can deliver justice without violence, but it is less fun that way.

Like a good neighbor, Chuck Norris is there to roundhouse kick you in the face.

Reece is back, Chuck Norris spam!!!

Chuck Norris once held one nostril shut while blowing an incredible snot volley from the other nostril. This action caused an epiphany among toy manufacturers that directly lead to the invention of the Nerf Blaster.

Why did bruce lee dress up like Chuck Norris in Enter the Dragons? Becase bruce lee was to scared to face Chunk Norris the lee is.

Have you ever wondered why Chuck Steaks are so tough. You guessed it.Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris threw a fit once. It took God six days and seven nights to fix the damage.

The secret to Five Hour Energy is that there is a drop of Chuck Norris sweat in every bottle.

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago but death jst hasnt built up the courage to tell him yet

Chuck Norris has no belly button. He was born with a black belt instead of an umbilical cord.

Whenever people are holding wooden boards, Chuck Norris breaks them in half. Then he breaks the boards.

Lothario was a real Chuck Norris.

the real reason king kong fell was because he realized he had awaken Chuck Norris so he commited suicide.

Chuck Norris predicted the Mayan Calendar.

Chuck Norris once wrestled Zeus to a draw

Chuck Norris lives forever. When he was young, cave people used his beard hairs as tips for spears.

It can be either called 'the war against terrorism', or 'the war FOR Chuck Norrism'.

Chuck Norris can Fed-Ex a choking.

A girl asked Chuck Norris to shave his beard. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her, and she grew taller and her hair grew shorter. That girl is now Justin Bieber.

Chuck Norris once dialed 911 and got a busy signal from his own phone.

Chuck Norris can score a hole in zero in golf.

The dinosaurs are extinct because 70 million years ago Chuck Norris farted.

It doesn't matter what those bitch-ass Rolling Stones say, Chuck Norris CAN always get what he wants.

The Chinese started learning American English so that they could praise Chuck Norris in English.

My grand-father has Chuck Norris' head mounted on his wall.

Bowser was once like any other Koopa- until Chuck Norris breathed on him.

Chuck Norris won master chef Australia by cooking 2 minute noodles.

Jedis in Star Wars don't use The Force... they use CHUCK NORRIS... with Chuck's Premission.

Chuck Norris has Internet connection on his classic black Bell telephone.