All Chuck Norris Facts

If you ever make the mistake of going up to Chuck Norris and saying 'what's up?', don't be surprised when he says 'you, asshole' and uppercuts you into the lower ionosphere.

Tim Leatherman, inventer of the Leatherman multitool carries a Chuck Norris Tool.

The raisins in Kellogg's Raisin Bran are actually dehydrated Chuck Norris boogers.

Chuck Norris once read the entire Merriam-Webster dictionary backwards in pig-Latin, while roundhouse kicking 30 ninjas.

"We will never know how brave Chuck Norris till we discover something in the universe that Chuck Norris is actually afraid of." - Socrates Socrates didn't die a natural death.

Popeye needs spinach to kick ass. Chuck Norris needs no such assistance.

Considering the rate at which his chest hair has spread to engulf most of his face, one must assume that Chuck Norris is going to look like a Wookiee by the end of this decade.

Chuck Norris can eat chicken noodle soup with a knife.

Chuck Norris's shadow weighs 250 pounds and can kick your ass .

Chuck Norris can win a staring contest with a statue.

In the year 1873, the then world super power Albertania waged a war against Chuck Norris. No one has heard about Albertania ever since.

Chuck Norris was recently inducted to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame for his superlative rendition of the Iron Butterly hit song, "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" which he sang while playing his hand made dulcimer.

Chuck Norris can turn the world on with his smile, but he prefers to inspire fear with his scowl.

When Chuck Norris farts in an elevator, all the other passengers hold their breath and say "good one, Chuck"!

Chuck Norris was seriously considered for all the major roles in the Avengers movies, except of course the female characters Black Widow and Hawkeye.

Chuck Norris once got into a pissing match with a fire hose and won!

The end of the world is scared to come because Chuck Norris will round house kick is ass.

You can rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris" to spell "Roundhouses".

Never tell a secret to Chuck Norris. Chuck will never tell but he'll kill you to be sure the secret stays with him.

There was no world recession, just Chuck Norris desiring a discount.

Chuck Norris's second child is Tim Tebow

Chuck Norris once was on a one man NFL team, he won the super bowl 4 times in a row on the same day

Contrary to popular belief, there are actually 5 classical elements: Earth, Air, Fire, Water, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris takes his feet to gun fights.

Zeus from Greek myth fathered many children, has a beard, and killed his own father. No, Zeus is not Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris killed Zeus for copying him.

Whenever Chuck Norris leaves a building, it explodes in dramatic form while Chuck walks away nonchalantly. Having a home is difficult for Chuck.

The Holy Grail has not been recovered yet because nobody is dumb enough to try to take away Chuck Norris' favorite beer stein.

Chuck Norris's s- foils are always in attack position.

When Chuck Norris fires a gun, he never misses. The bullets are too scared to fail him.

Terrorist once tried hijaking Chuck Norris's privat jet. Instead what happened was the world record broken for farthest boot up somebody's ass.

Chuck Norris named his left and right arms Truth and Justice. He has to unzip to show you The American Way.

Chuck Norris once made a classical music station play the theme to "Walker: Texas Ranger" for 12 straight hours.

Whenever Chuck Norris moves from point A to point B, the Jaws music plays, and no one has been able to figure out where it's coming from.

Superman is based off of Chuck Norris: They both are unstoppable.

Any questions to Chuck Norris regarding his spiritual beliefs will be met with a hearty chuckle and a savage beating.

Chuck Norris once roasted an entire moose on the manifold of his Hummer.

On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.

Chuck Norris can recite the alphebet sideways

Chuck Norris skipped all grades simultaneously, including college. When he was two.

Chuck Norris knows 28 words in 32 distinct languages that rhyme with orange.

When Chuck Norris throws a game of 'Washers' he uses a Maytag.

In the Star Wars universe, Chuck Norris regards a Star Destroyer as a slice of pizza. They do HIS bidding.

On Chuck Norris' birthday, one lucky child gets chosen to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for their life.

Chuck Norris can curdle water just by looking at it.

Chuck Norris made the Kessel run in less than three parsecs.

NASA scientists concur prolonged visual exposure to Chuck Norris can result in: blindness, nausea, and partial paralysis.

Chuck Norris has never shot a round of golf with a score above -73. It would have been -76 but the Eagle he shot on the Par 5, 17th hole was still in flight when he hit it.

Hercules strangled two snakes in his crib when he was a baby. Chuck Norris strangled two elephants just mere seconds after birth using his own umbilical cord.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a bubble-bath. He simply farts in the water.

Back in 1940, when Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey. That is how he grew muscles on his 1st birthday.

Chuck Norris can down a shot before he even orders it.

Chuck Norris can speak japanese so fluently your ears will bleed.

Contrary to popular folklore, Ebenezer Scrooge became filled with the true spirit of Christmas after he found out that Tiny Tim is Chuck Norris' nephew. And the fact that Chuck Norris relentlessly kicked his ass all night long on Christmas eve.

The Swiss all own a Chuck Norris Army Knife.

Chuck Norris invented spectacles so even short-sighted people could see how brilliant he is.

Chuck Norris has to use deodorant not to cover up any offensive odor, but to keep women from throwing themselves at him when they smell his essence.

Chuck Norris can make his world class Texas chili in your gramdmother's old Crotch Slot

Christians are afraid of Satan, Satan is afraid of Chuck Norris

Most tough eat nails for breakfast, Chuck Norris does all his grocery shopping at The Home Depot.

Doctor who's real name is Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was asked if he had ever gone skindiving? Chuck replied "no, but I've gone muff diving hundreds of times".

Chuck Norris can roundhouse kick you around the world.

what happens when an unstoppable force meets and immovable object? nobody knows there is only one Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once gave a canniption fit to a hissy.

Originally Schools had blocked websites. Chuck Norris can go in blocked websites.

There are two types of people in the world: those who have been killed by Chuck Norris, and those who will be.

When Chuck Norris was in high school he played baseball. He did not use a bat, he just used his fist to punch the ball out of the park.

Chuck Norris' sextape was in the Ark of the Covenant

When Chuck Norris walks up to you, then without a word turns around, bends over, and strikes a match between his legs, know that you are about to die the most unbelievably awesome death possible.

Chuck Norris doesn't text message with him fingers. He uses his nose.

The main reason why Chuck Norris regrets inventing time travel is because he hates people from the future constantly beaming into his house to talk to him. Needless to say, he has definitely disrupted some future timelines.

Chuck Norris laughs Death in the face

Chuck Norris' treehouse has a basement.

Chuck Norris can write a haiku with one syllable.

Chuck Norris has venom glands instead of tear ducts.

When Chuck Norris tears out your heart and squeezes with one hand, the immense pressure results in a blood diamond

Only Chuck Norris can prevent a forest fire.

Chuck Norris made a bath take a shower.

if Chuck Norris wanted to recycle, he would recycle your face.

Chuck Norris dosn't shoot his gun... he's killing the bullets.

Chuck Norris invented beef jerky by throwing a bull through a chain-link fence.

Chuck Norris likes sunny days and long walks on the beach....but only after gunning down a Taliban pre-school.

If Chuck Norris cried, his tears could replace rocket fuel.

Chuck Norris invented the olympic games. with his left pinky.

When a biker falls while riding he gets a permanent case of road rash. When a ninja falls fighting Chuck Norris he gets a permanent case of Chuck rash.

Chuck Norris is the first and only person to kill someone on every continent of the world. He achieved this distinction in 3 days in 1972.

Nokia connects people but Chuck Norris disconnected the Black Berry Messaging Service

When Chuck Norris was young his friends had 10 speed bikes. Chucks bike had warp drive.

When Chuck Norris recycles paper it turns right back into trees

Nothing is more American than apple pie. This is not true. Nothing is more ANYTHING than Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can breathe water and drink air.

Curators at Madame Tussauds Wax Museum had to remove the life size wax figure of Chuck Norris one day after they first installed it. It seems they found Chuck Norris' wax foot deeply inbedded in the face of the Michael Jackson figure.

If the Grinch stole Chuck Norris's Chrismas, He has 3 seconds to give it back.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to pay $4.00 a gallon for gas. His vehicle is too frightened to ever run out.

Chuck Norris made Russell Crowe cry.

Before you fight Chuck Norris, he makes you write your will.

Wolves howl at the moon. Chuck Norris laughs at us.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Chess without moving his pawns.

Chuck Norris trims his pubes with a weed whacker.