All Chuck Norris Facts

The wind howls because of Chuck Norris

The AC/DC song "Thunderstruck" was inspired by Chuck Norris breaking wind.

Chuck Norris is so ruthless, he will punch out any old bitch named Ruth on sight.

The Big Comfy Couch was made for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris finally defeated Joan Rivers.

Chuck Norris has won many a contest merely by showing up.

Chuck Norris loves your mother.

Chuck Norris can eat an a whole plate of fried rice in under 1 second... using a single chopstick.

When you die, Chuck Norris' life will flash before your eyes.

MMA fighters wet themselves when Chuck Norris enters the room.

"Smarty Had A Party" dinnerware was invented because Chuck Norris might show-up.

Chuck Norris participated in the Running of The Bulls but was banned from ever doing it again. All the bulls ran from Chuck and wouldn't come back.

Chuck Norris name is in the webster's dictionary under roundhouse kick and above god.

Chuck Norris can sneeze your face off.

Chuck Norris was once court-martialed. He was immediately promoted to five-star admiral.

Chuck Norris's favorite word? CHORUS.

There are two types of people in the world: those who agree with Chuck Norris and those who are wrong.

Chuck Norris hides in plain sight.

Chuck Norris is the only man who has hit 5 home runs while playing in the Super Bowl.

If Chuck Norris is late....time better slow the fuck down!!

If you fight against Chuck Norris, there is no retreat and no surrender. You're dead before you can do either.

when Chuck Norris is asleep the sheep count him

Chuck Norris' beard also works part-time as his pubes.

King Canute failed when he tried to make the ocean waves obey him. Chuck Norris succeeded.

The skidmarks in Chuck Norris' underwear are actual tyre-tracks.

Chuck Norris is, and has always been where it's at.

Chuck Norris once abducted aliens.

Chuck Norris beer-bongs tequila.

If Chuck Norris and a Grizzley bear go after the same salmon, Chuck will be the one having smoked salmon for dinner.

Chuck Norris has a .50 BMG Derringer.

When a cop pulls Chuck Norris over for speeding, THE COP has to explain himself to Chuck Norris.

Mother Nature doesn't mess with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not forget his friends and loved ones birthdays. He decides when their birthdays are.

Chuck Norris doesn't chop trees in minecraft to get wood, the trees just falls every time he's near them.

God helps those who help themselves. Chuck Norris slaughters lazy assholes by the thousand.

Chuck Norris could find you. with his eyes closed.

Death is not the greatest loss in life Chuck Norris is if he died but Chuck Norris doesn't die for know one

If Kobe Bryant can throw a basketball 20m and shoot, Chuck Norris can throw Kobe Bryant 30 m and score.

Chuck Norris' buisness cards simply say: 'Look at me.' You will then be staring down the barrel of a twelve-guage.

Chuck Norris has a heart as black and cold as the most lifeless corners of outer space.

Optimus Prime owns a Chuck Norris action figure

Chuck Norris' mom always looks forward to every Mothers Day. Her loving son always provides her favorite gift...an uppercut.

Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Then Chuck Norris mowed her down with his snowmobile and finished her off.

If you stare at the american flag for long enough, you will see a 3-D image of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris fails at jump roping.

Chuck Norris graduated from preschool, high school, and college before he was even born.

Just a little over 50 years ago, Chuck Norris once helped President Kennedy mount a horse when they went horseback riding in Texas. He didn't later help Jack off the horse.

A sign at the entrance to NorrisWorld: 'You need to be at least this tall (30 microns) to die from a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.'

Chuck Norris is the only guy in a nudist colony who can carry two cups of coffee and nine donuts.

Chuck Norris can draw a perfect circle with a ruler

Chuck Norris once played a game of basketball with Walt Disney's head.

Chuck Norris once took his pants off in a Thanksgiving Day parade. All the horses wept. Male and female.

Chuck Norris uses wasabi as toothpaste.

Everyone knew the world was flat,but they especially didn't want sail around the world because they knew if they fell then Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick them.

Chuck Norris can build a plane out of MacGuyver.

The deer and the antelope roam only where Chuck Norris gives them permission to.

If you ask Chuck Norris to wear a seatbealt, he WILL belt you.

TV commercials advertise Gorilla Glue. Gorillas repair things with Chuck Norris Glue.

Chuck Norris can rap over 700 syllables a minute

All e-mail from Chuck Norris is preceded by this warning: Open at your own risk. Enough said.

Chuck Norris will soon open his own fried chicken restaurant chain: RKC-- Roundhouse Kickin' Chicken.

Chuck Norris favorite pastime is scrapbooking.

don't send Chuck Norris e-mail. if it annoys him he can round house kick you thru Cyber Space!

When Chuck Norris takes a crap this is what's called an earthquake.

When refueling his Hummer at the gas station Chuck Norris likes to smoke big fat cigars and stare at the attendant.

Once Chuck Norris forgot to cover his mouth before he sneezed, ever since the Moon has crates!

Chuck Norris is so old-school, he plays a coal-fired guitar.

The official title for the Academy Award for Best Actor is "Best Actor Not Named Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris CAN fool the Children Of The Revolution. Then roundhouse kick them in the face.

Chuck Norris was able to defeat Superman because his beard is made of pure kryptonite.

Google asked Chuck Norris where to search.

Chuck Norris made Tom Petty back down.

Chuck Norris' anniversary present for his wife was giving birth to the baby for her.

Chuck Norris' beard is like the facehugger from Alien.

Chuck Norris was actually the original Spock in Star Trek, but was fired because instead of saying 'live long and prosper', he would always say 'die hard... with a vengance'.

Chuck Norris ended world hunger with one knuckle sandwich.

Chuck Norris doesn't need OnDemand cable services. His TVs show what he wants to watch and when out of sheer terror.

Chuck Norris invented time, so people know when theirs is up.

Chuck Norris doesn't wear sunscreen when he is in the sun. The Sun wears Chuck Norris Screen.

Chuck Norris did the worm up K2.

If you ever make the mistake of going up to Chuck Norris and saying 'what's up?', don't be surprised when he says 'you, asshole' and uppercuts you into the lower ionosphere.

Tim Leatherman, inventer of the Leatherman multitool carries a Chuck Norris Tool.

The raisins in Kellogg's Raisin Bran are actually dehydrated Chuck Norris boogers.

Chuck Norris once read the entire Merriam-Webster dictionary backwards in pig-Latin, while roundhouse kicking 30 ninjas.

"We will never know how brave Chuck Norris till we discover something in the universe that Chuck Norris is actually afraid of." - Socrates Socrates didn't die a natural death.

Popeye needs spinach to kick ass. Chuck Norris needs no such assistance.

Considering the rate at which his chest hair has spread to engulf most of his face, one must assume that Chuck Norris is going to look like a Wookiee by the end of this decade.

Chuck Norris can eat chicken noodle soup with a knife.

Chuck Norris's shadow weighs 250 pounds and can kick your ass .

Chuck Norris can win a staring contest with a statue.

In the year 1873, the then world super power Albertania waged a war against Chuck Norris. No one has heard about Albertania ever since.

Chuck Norris was recently inducted to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame for his superlative rendition of the Iron Butterly hit song, "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" which he sang while playing his hand made dulcimer.

Chuck Norris can turn the world on with his smile, but he prefers to inspire fear with his scowl.

When Chuck Norris farts in an elevator, all the other passengers hold their breath and say "good one, Chuck"!

Chuck Norris was seriously considered for all the major roles in the Avengers movies, except of course the female characters Black Widow and Hawkeye.

Chuck Norris once got into a pissing match with a fire hose and won!

The end of the world is scared to come because Chuck Norris will round house kick is ass.

You can rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris" to spell "Roundhouses".

Never tell a secret to Chuck Norris. Chuck will never tell but he'll kill you to be sure the secret stays with him.

There was no world recession, just Chuck Norris desiring a discount.