All Chuck Norris Facts

Roundhoused kicked by Chuck Norris... Life ruined forever.

Chuck Norris invented the internet so people could talk about how great Chuck Norris is.

Chuck Norris called himself Walker because he doesn't need to run.

Chuck Norris participated in the 2005 home run derby, he has yet to receive the "Golden Ball".

Chuck Norris is the greatest matador who ever lived.

None of the world's greatest chess grandmasters will any longer play against Chuck Norris because he always Checkmates them on his first move.

Chuck Norris is a bulldozer with a beard.

If Chuck Norris is a zombie, your screwed.

always capitalize Chuck Norris's name. always.

Chuck Norris is faster than Lightning.

Chuck Norris is allowed to draw pictures of Mohammad

Chuck Norris ordered some sushi in a Chinese restaurant and got one.

When smokey the bear comes up on tv saying "only you can prevent wildfires" most people don't see Chuck Norris in the background. To bad for those people.

If you sneeze on Chuck Norris, He'll sneeze at you back. Which will blow you away.

Fact: The closest a fist has ever come to Chuck Norris' face is when he eats. In fact, there's a Hollywood legend that when Chuck Norris eats a hot dog, they have to slow the film down just so you can see it.

If you somehow survive a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris, you'd still go to jail for head butting his foot.

Many people do not realize that Chuck Norris has been a bouncer for many, many years. EVERY guy that's ever mouthed off to Chuck has had his face bounced off the asphalt.

Chuck Norris is credited for carrying Hannibal's elephants across the Alps.

An elderly man accidentally let his Buick roll into Chuck Norris' new Lexus. Chuck was furious and got violent. Chuck punched out the Buick.

When you die you don't go to heaven, you go to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris despises the color yellow, and can stand it for only about 12 hours at a time. Which is why the sun hides daily.

Chuck Norris doesn't name his kids, he numbers them.

Chuck Norris' beard is what protects us from the sun's destructive ionizing radiation.

Chuck Norris can teach his teachings to teach better.

Chuck Norris rickrolls Rick Astley.

The only thing scarier than a black hole is a Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris look in the mirror, even his reflection runs off.

Chuck Norris doesn't take life for granted - he just takes lives.

Chuck Norris melted Mt Kilauea with a 6 pack of ice cold beer.

Chuck Norris once commented, "There are few problems in this world that cannot be solved by a swift roundhouse kick to the face. In fact, there are none."

Chuck Norris once shoved a watermelon up Gallagher's nose. Then shattered it with a flying roundhouse kick. Thus, proving that Gallagher is scatter-brained.

When Chuck Norris was in high school he was the star of his debate team. It was quite a feat for someone whose rebuttal was always; "no".

Chuck Norris is never late, NEVER.

how do you put out a forest fire? you have Chuck Norris fart on it.

Jason didn't drown Chuck Norris pulled him under

Chuck Norris can sky dive from the ground into the plane.

Converse were originally called Chuck Norris...not Chuck Taylor.

Chuck Norris' tongue is actually an atypical proboscis which he has adapted to absorb the last few drops of liquid & foam from the bottom of his beer cans.

When The terminator said "I'll be back", he was actually going to seek the help of Chuck Norris.

The universe was created from Chuck Norris' saliva that came out of his mouth when he sneezed.

Chuck Norris is the one who killed Chivalry.

Chuck Norris went to a beauty salon yesterday to get a pedi and have his crotch waxed. There were NO survivors.

During WWII, it was really Chuck Norris we dropped on Hiroshima.

Chuck Norris wants to feel you on the inside.

Chuck Norris uses a live Cobra for a hatband. It stays in place because it's frozen in fear.

Chuck Norris don't wait for Santa Clause,Santa Clause waits for Chuck Norris.

If you waste even one second of Chuck Norris' time you will spend eternity in hell.

They say lightning never strikes in the same place twice - tell that to last guy to receive a one,two punch from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's checks never bounce.

Chuck Norris threw your only trash can in the trash.

Chuck Norris can turn a cave into a tunnel.

Newtons third law of motion states that Every action has a reaction equal in magnitude and opposite in direction When Chuck Norris uses his roundhouse kick there is only action.

Chuck Norris didn't like watching Aaron Hernandez play football. So he sent him to prison so he wouldn't have to see him play again.

When Chuck Norris throws a ball, it crushes someone like a wrecking ball. I blame miley cyrus.

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.

on December 21 2012 the worlds ass will be putting up a vacancy sign and Chuck Norris foot is looking for a room and that's how the world will end

Chuck Norris told Mike Portnoy to leave Dream Theater.

if you dont agree with Chuck Norris god management beware of roundhouse kick so

In the late 1800's Chuck Norris' nickname was "Polio". And the reason for that nickname was not sloely because he has iron lungs.

Chuck Norris is the illegitimate father of Casey Heynes (look it up).

Chuck Norris has won the AFI lifetime achievement award, twice.

Chuck Norris has been to Jupiter; that's why there's the big red spot.

Chuck Norris does not dodge bullets, bullets dodge him out of fear.

Chuck Norris once wrestled a huge alligator for over 9 hours before he realized that he was actually masterbating.

Chuck Norris won the National Pie Eating Contest by devoring 168 hotdogs in less than 10 minutes.

As a one-man band, Chuck Norris can do note-perfect renditions of Slipknot songs.

Chuck Norris knows what Willis was talking about

When Chuck Norris switches on his computer, it skips the bootup process and goes straight to the desktop.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a send button on his email, it knows its role.

If you try to drop kick Chuck Norris, you should stay down there.

Chuck Norris gargles with thumbtacks.

Actually, it was Chuck Norris that fought The Battle of Jericho. Joshua later played taps.

Chuck Norris can send his roundhouse kicks through the mail to everywhere, since he knows every address in the entire world! So don't be surprised if you see someone's head instantly explode from opening an envelope.

Once when Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McDouble at McDonald's because it was 9:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard that it became a KFC.

When you search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked," on any search machine, you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen, and it never will too!

Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the nose off of the Sphinx.

Chuck Norris was so pissed, he accidently hit something that borke the moon.

Chuck Norris can stop a chainsaw with his hand. This is actually true. There is footage. Not surprising, as he brushes his teeth with one twice a day.

The Turing Test determines if a machine can think like a human. The Norris Test determines if a human can survive like a machine.

Listen. Understand. Chuck Norris is out there. He can't be reasoned with, he can't be bargained with...he doesn't feel pity of remorse or fear... and he absolutely will not stop. Ever. Until you are dead.

Other fictional characters based on Chuck Norris: Han Solo, Boba Fett, Robocop, the T-800, the T-1000, Snake Plisskin, Dirty Harry, Conan, Jeff Lebowski, Kayser Soze, Wolverine, The Punisher, Iron Man, Walker: Texas Ranger, the Predator and Morpheus.

Chuck Norris' former 3rd grade librarian once "shushed" him for talking too loudly. Former librarian, Stephen Hawking, later became a world renowned physicist.

Chuck Norris knows who the fuck Alice is. She is now living next door to him.

When Chuck Norris eats brussel sprouts, his farts smell like cotton candy.

Rattlesnakes have died from Chuck Norris bites.

Chuck Norris can pinch an atom with a chopstick

Chuck Norris took a wrong turn at the zoo and found himself in with Brutus the nasty Silverback Gorilla. Brutus was then seen politely showing Chuck to the exit door.

Chuck Norris uses vice drips for clothes pins...and nipple clamps.

Some creatures fatally confuse Chuck Norris' beard with a rain forrest.

Chuck Norris can eat 3 bean burritos then go to the lake and take a whirlpool bath.

CHuck norris can kick u with his hands, and punch u with his feet.

The US Navy SEALs recently honored Chuck Norris with the 'Please Stop It, You're Making Us Look Bad' Award.

Chuck Norris: Chilling Hulking Undeniable Cunning Killing Not nice Order Ripped Righteous Invincible Sensational

Chuck Norris dosn't talk to people, he KILLS them Chuck Norris dosn't neet a friend to have fun.

Chuck Norris has Skynet installed on his laptop.

When Chuck Norris wa born 3 nurses and 2 doctors were killed when he shot them with 2 MPK-5's he had developed while in the womb.

Chuck Norris sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows if you've been bad or good... but will kill you on sight either way.

Chuck Norris can win German Soccer Championship ...... with Schalke 04

It is possible to contract hepatitis from smelling one of Chuck Norris's farts.

Chuck Norris has been all over more co-ed ass than butterfly tattoos.