All Chuck Norris Facts

JFK always said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what Chuck Norris can fit his schlong into'.

Elon Musk proposed the Hyperloop for high-speed travel. Chuck Norris already travels at that speed. He calls it 'walking.'

Chuck Norris doesn't use a microwave to pop his popcorn. He simply sits the package on the counter and the kernals jump in fear of a round house kick

Chuck Norris catches the bus one handed.

Chuck Norris has an uncredited cameo in Predator. His beard plays the jungle.

SpaceX catches rocket boosters with giant mechanical arms. Chuck Norris catches them with one hand while eating breakfast.

No one can be sure what Chuck Norris looking at, only that it has 5 seconds left to live

Chuck Norris can drive a pop-up camper.

When Chuck Norris was 5, he got 2 wheeler like his friends. . Their 2 wheelers were bicycles, Chucks was a Harley.

Lightning put Chuck Norris rods on the roof of its' house.

Chuck Norris can "get a grip on yourself".

Chuck Norris' giantic hemorrhoids smell like a potpourri sachet.

Chuck Norris broke the speed of sound. With his elbow.

Most people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris's beard and Mr. T mohawk are 2nd cousins!

The International Monetary Fund is in debt to Chuck Norris

As a teenager, Chuck Norris had a summer job. He was a lumberjack in the Sahara rainforest.

Chuck Norris chugs bottles of whiskey as if they were cans of light beer.

Kings buy Chuck Norris size beds.

You know when you have so much fun it feels like time flies by so fast....... That's Chuck Norris telling Father Time to hurry up and get to the part where he roundhouse kicks you to death

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Sam Jackson is the only person to ever out-surf Chuck Norris at Chadderton baths. Incidentally, Chuck roundhouse kicked him in the face, and the force put him in a roundhouse induced coma for the rest of his natural life...

Chuck Norris spent a day digging a canal in the United States. We know that project as the Mississippi River.

Jesus is the only person in history who was not killed by Chuck Norris; when Chuck Norris kills someone, they stay dead.

Chuck Norris once paddled the shit out of Ronald McDonald with his own shoes. He later commented "Anyone who wears stupid big red shoes like that is a fucking clown."

The Illuminati still exist today only because they deliver Chuck Norris' pizzas.

Chuck Norris can ram a VHS tape into a DVD player and the motherfucker will play.

Chuck Norris eats tree leafs and shits 100 dollar bills.

As a toddler, little Chuck Norris would cut the paper into star shapes with a pair of hedge clippers.

Chuck Norris doesn't mow his lawn; he dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris knows how many kicks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop: one

Chuck Norris can eat Green Eggs and Ham anywhere he wants to.

Chuck Norris can make your nightmares come true. By roundhouse kicking you.

Chuck Norris was peeling an onion. He made the onion cry.

Chuck Norris pulls the gernade and throws the pin, on purpose...

Chuck Norris can kill you in 17 interesting and horrifying ways just by shaking your hand.

Chuck Norris is what the butler saw.

When Chuck Norris was in the Air Force, everyone, even the generals, saluted him first.

Chuck Norris studied abroad for two years. Then he studied her sister.

This is a web site for NEW AND ONLY NEW Chuck Norris Facts.If Chuck Norris finds out(and he will find out) you have posted one that you read or heard....Beg for Merciful God to take you and not Chuck Norris

The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.

Quantum physicists have found that the only source of energy immense enough to cause subatomic particles to travel backward in time as Neutrino's is Chuck Norris's roundhouse.

All your base are belong to Chuck Norris.

In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris makes joke about you

It is a scientific fact that the only reason the 'Dark Knight' trilogy was any good was because it was directed by a guy who had the same initials as Chuck Norris.

Liam Neeson was taken by Chuck Norris

You can get tetanus simply by staring at Chuck Norris' beard for too long.

Chuck Norris was so ugly when he was born that his mom threw him away and kept the afterbirth.

Chuck Norris commits armed robbery with other people's arms.

Chuck Norris doesn't care about complex numbers ... nothing is complex for him!

Chuck Norris can make a Snooker 147 maximum break with a single shot.

Chuck Norris can hit a bull in the butt with a banjo.

Chuck Norris smokes rolled-up newspapers.

Chuck Norris is the one. Not Keanu Reeves, or Jet Li, and DEFINATELY not Christopher Lambert.

When Chuck Norris brutally murders you, he will send the cleanup bill to your immediate family, and they'd better fucking pay.

Chuck Norris uses his pet guinea pig, Whiskers, to hunt mountain lions.

Chuck Norris can watch DVDs in a VCR player.

Chuck Norris has been to Mars. That is why there are no signs of life there.

Tigers developed stripes as an evolutionary strategy. Chuck Norris made them an endangered species anyway.

Chuck Norris once allowed a man shoot an apple off his head at 20 paces with a 12 gauge shotgun. He was unharmed of course.

When Chuck Norris visited Saudi Arabia, all the arabs run out.

Chuck Norris already knows that this is the 3,000th fact about him. It's just that Chuck don't give a fuck.

Chuck Norris never bows to royalty, or anyone, for that matter. If they wish to continue to live, they must bow to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris assults your senses with a crowbar.

The Amish fertilize their gardens with Chuck Norris shit.

Chuck Norris can literally slap you stupid.

Chuck Norris can pick an apple off a orange tree and make the best damn lemonade you have ever had.

Just one dollop of Chuck Norris' elbow grease can keep your car lubricated for up to fourteen years.

Chuck Norris officially announced today that he is in fact permantly retiring...your face from public view.

Chuck Norris can kill Liberty Prime in one hit with a BB Gun.

Chuck Norris and his toothbrush can take on a guy wielding a crowbar. And win.

Chuck Norris is the only person on earth who can get a quadruple-word score at Scrabble.

Chuck Norris ate the fat bastard who ate all the pies.

Robbin Williams in fact did not commit suicide because of depression. He new Chuck Norris was looking for him.

Q:Why did the chicken cross the road? Answer:To get on Chuck Norris's good side.

Freddy thought he was the true nightmare until he met Chuck Norris who roundhouse kicked and from that day Freddy hides in fear thinking a nightmare in texas

Chuck Norris had a Doctor that suggested he needed to eat tofu instead of red meat. Chuck immediately suggested the Doctor needed to have the teeth slapped out of his mouth.

Chuck Norris cleans his toilet with a backhoe and a WeedEater.

In honor of Earth Day, Chuck Norris threw a massive BBQ and kegger in the middle of the Amazon rain forest.

Mike wants to be like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris didn't have plush animals when he was a kid. He had guns to sleep with.

Chuck Norris trained his pet mountain lions to nurse baby sheep and later fed them back to the mountain lions thus perpetuating mountain lion existence.

Chuck Norris is the reason why you don't see Total Gyms being sold in garage sales

I fought the law and................Chuck Norris won.

Chuck Norris can go to places that say "Do Not Enter"

Chuck Norris can land a plane in Auto Pilot.

The Revolution will be televised on Chuck Norris's television.

Jesus wears a WWCND (what would Chuck Norris do) bracelet.

Chuck Norris can rear-end the car he's driving.

If Chuck norris punched the earth it wouldnt shatter it would create a black black hole and only let the the people live that he deemed worthy

In fact John of Saw doesn't play a game with people for fun, he was just doing what is mentioned in Chuck Norris biggest game to save his ass.

Chuck Norris's main method of preventing universe-shattering paradoxes consists of kicking people in the face.

Isac Newton discovered gravity because Chuck Norris chucked an apple in his face from the moon.

Chuck Norris once wrote..."I will personally roundhouse kick anybody in the face that missplells words!"

If you want to know if something is funny, just ask Chuck Norris. If he laughs, it's funny. If he doesn't, prepare to die, because you wasted his time.

When Chuck Norris Runs the Earth Spins Faster

Chuck Norris bought a double cheeseburger from McDonalds on the dollar menu for 2 dollars. He then proceeded to round house kick the cashier

Some people look for religion, religion looks for Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris has been awarded the coveted 3 Michelin Star rating for plating a saucer of microwaved instant grits.

When speaking in public about his multitude of lifetime accomplishments, Chuck Norris always appropriately refers to himself in the fourth-person.