All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris can smell thngs with his feet.

Only God is allowed to edit Chuck Norris' Wikipedia page.

Chuck Norris can play dubstep on a harp.

A sniper tried to assassinate Chuck Norris, but Chuck Norris broke his neck before he could pull the trigger.

Chuck Norris can win at the game Battleship by simply banging Rihanna.

Chuck Norris owns a playstation 360

Chuck Norris was recently seen taking his pet for a walk. His pet is a wolverine.

Chuck Norris killed the trolls. Happy now?

When Chuck Norris is in a particularly artistic mood, he likes to set up a large canvas and roundhouse kick people near it while wearing ice-skates.

Chuck Norris is the reason why bats can't see cause they took one look at him and they went blind.

If you write "To Chuck Norris" on an envelope and post it, it will be delivered to THE Chuck Norris, from anywhere in the world.

Young Chuck Norris would walk uphill to and from school.

Florida was only made a state, because Chuck Norris wanted some orange juice.

You can feel the wind off Chuck Norris' roundhouse just watching Walker, Texas Ranger.

Chuck Norris doesn't need sleep. He gets plenty every time he blinks.

Chuck Norris once successfully landed a plane...in mid-air!

Chuck Norris once punched a guy so hard he turned into a gravestone.

Chuck Norris can eat eat a hammer and crap out an axe.

Chuck Norris can have his cake, eat it, then roundhouse kick you in the face with the extra power it gave him.

Chuck Norris once stared at a solar eclipse using a pair of binoculars. The seared binoculars are now the world's first dual lense 3D kaleidoscope.

A man once suggested to Chuck Norris that he might, for a change, want to wear a goatee. Chuck Norris cut him in half with a circular saw.

When the Mormons knock on Chuck Norris' door, Chuck Norris sends them to heaven.

Recently, a car salesman told Chuck Norris he needed to go green and drive a Toyota Prius. Chuck kicked the Prius across the parking lot then drove off in his Humvee.

Chuck Norris personally knows every SI swimsuit model. He should -- he banged each one of them.

If you step on a crack, Chuck Norris will break your back.

Chuck Norris does not kill you; your already dead when you see him.

Q. What did Chuck Norris do with his first 50 cent piece? A. After climaxing, he punched her in the face and took back his half dollar. Nobody charges Chuck Norris for his services!

Chuck Norris is so fast he can turn off the light and be in bed before it's dark.

All men are born equal. Chuck Norris was just born more equal than everyone else.

Chuck Norris was cast for the first Terminator but was rejected because the cameras kept melting when put in his direction

Chuck Norris' bedroom has leather walls.

Every night, Richard Dawkins prays to Chuck Norris for forgiveness

Chuck Norris can make he planet tilt on its axis simply by shoving a billiard cue into the ground and leaning on it.

The original title for Clash of The Titans was Clash of The Titans with Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie ten seconds long.

When Chuck Norris asks to 'borrow' something from you, be aware that you will never, ever get it back and are in fact about to be kicked in the face.

Chuck Norris has the heart of a child........ HE KEEPS IT IN A SMALL BOX.

The most obvious upside to receiving a brutal Chuck Norris roundhouse kick is is that you will enter the afterlife knowing that you have died the most awesome death possible.

Chuck Norris refused to do a cameo for Mission Impossible 3 until they changed the title to "Something the Care Bears Did."

Chuck Norris will personally come over and baptize your son if you name him Walker or Texas Ranger.

Chuck Norris is considered to be high-class Norristocrat.

people look up at the moon, while the moon looks down at Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can disassemble an Army tank with a spork.

Chuck Norris can headbutt himself in the face.

Tesla has Ludicrous Mode for insane acceleration. Chuck Norris has Roundhouse Mode. There are no survivors.

Chuck Norris' left buttocks can bench press 537 pounds while his right buttocks picks his nose.

Chuck Norris' business card simply reads "Congratulations, you've just been bitch slapped by Chuck Norris".

If you see Chuck Norris at a picnic, beware: Chuck Norris can decapitate anyone at any time with a flying paper plate.

Every year on his birthday, Chuck norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris doesn't fly, gravity collapses around him.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked this fact.

Chuck Norris' beautiful singing voice can make tanks break down.

By the time you see Chuck Norris in your rearview mirror, he's already kicked you in the face and is 10 car lengths ahead of you.

After downing a quart of Chivas Regal, Chuck Norris' turds look & smell like a steaming pile of freshly boiled Haggis.

Chuck Norris once stayed at the Hotel California and was allowed to check out...and leave.

Chuck Norris shotgunned a baker and a candlestick maker's heads off into a bathtub.

Chuck Norris doesnt clean house the house cleans him

Chuck Norris makes the speed of light wish it was faster.

If you play Stairway to heaven backwards you hear a satanic message. If you play the theme song to Walker,Texas Ranger backwards you hear Chuck Norris kicking the Devils ass.

The only time Chuck Norris was ever beaten was in a fictional movie, Way Of The Dragon, by Bruce Lee. Both Lee and his son Brandon would later die in mysterious curcumstances. This is not a motherfucking coincidence.

Chuck Norris's middle name is Chuck Norris.

Pictures are said to be worth a thousand words. Pictures of Chuck Norris are worth 10,000 words.

How many roads must a man walk down, before you can call him a man? Don't ask Chuck Norris, he was considered a man by age four.

Chuck Norris never flushes. When he sits, the toilet gulps in fear.

If Princess Leia was really smart, she would have said, "Help me Chuck Norris, you're my only hope."

Chuck Norris is the only person to whom God has said," I did not know that!"

Some people die even though they don't deserve to. None of them are killed by Chuck Norris. He kills those who damn well fucking deserve it.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire ream of rice paper and shat out origami swans and Mister Miyagi from Karate Kid.

Chuck Norris once finished a round of golf at 72 under par.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago; however, death doesn't have guts to tell him.

Chuck Norris can read the top 10 Chuck Norris facts... Without even slightly grinning.

Chuck Norris once ate a banana and then defecated a gainomax recovery drink package...that is how gainomax is made

Chuck Norris has decided to start taking Square Dance lessons. He's tired of tap dancing on peoples faces.

The band Disturbed used to be called I'm Fine until they saw Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' passport is his face.

Chuck Norris is just like you he puts his pants on one leg at a time exept when he does it he fights north Koreans

Chuck Norris' dog is a Velociraptor.

Both sides of Chuck Norris' bed are the wrong sides.

In the morning, Chuck Norris eats specially formulated Cheerios made of cement.

Chuck Norris does not walk dogs, his cats do.

Chuck Norris can eat or drink anything without a single stop while doing roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris always finds the G-spot.

Chuck Norris once woke up one morning thinking he was in the process of strangling a 1,200 pound walrus but then very quickly realized that he was actually masterbating.

Chuck Norris invented happiness when he spared a mans life, when the man told his family, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the jaw thus ending the man and adding another hair to Chuck's beard!

Ever wonder why your wife thinks your inadequate? Answer: Chuck Norris!

If Chuck Norris wore pink bunny slippers, it would be queer not to wear them.

When Chuck Norris goes SCUBA diving and surfaces too fast he gets the straights.

If the Dos Equis guy were to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume. If Chuck Norris were to pat you on the back, you would die.

In order to sleep, Chuck Norris has to roundhouse kick himself in the face approximately 754 times. Even then, he still tosses and turns a little.

Chuck Norris changed the law of BODMAS to ROUNDHOUSE

Chuck Norris' last birthday party was held at the La Brea Tar Pits where he enjoyed all of the party games and easily won the 'dunking for dinosaurs' event.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist says "I KILL YOU!". Chuck Norris kills you without telling you anything.

Chuck Norris can inflate a truck tire by blowing into the stem.

If you ask Chuck Norris how to be famous, he will show you. You will regain conciousness with a crowd around you.

Some people thought the Loch Ness Monster was a plesiosaur, others an eel. Chuck Norris thought it tasted like chicken.

If you ever do the stupid 'look out!! Chuck Norris is behind you!' joke, he will snap your fucking neck like a chicken bone.

Chuck Norris can drive an aircraft carrier by himself.

Chuck Norris writes all the lyrics for Cannibal Corpse. And are all based on personal experiences.

The Internet was invented by Chuck Norris so that he could deliver roundhouse kicks worldwide from the comfort of his own home.

Chuck Norris does not have red hair.... The color red is now known as Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' Chihuahua, Pickles, had to be placed in quarantine after she chewed up Rocco, the neighbors Pit bull.