All Chuck Norris Facts

When Chuck Norris says he is "Sorry", its not for what he has done, but for what he is about to do.

Chuck Norris's beard can cure breast cancer.

Chuck Norris has decided the value of Pi shall be 1, henceforth.

For entertainment purposes, Chuck Norris serves rum&coke and spiked punch as refreshments at AA meetings.

Chuck Norris can see the Illuminati but the Illuminati can't see Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks saplings. This is because the saplings will turn into trees the instant after he does that.

It would cost $10,000 for Chuck Norris to get a tattoo; the artist would need a .50 cal machine gun.

The formation of The Universe began when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the singularity.

Chuck Norris's beard alone has experienced more than your entire body.

If a Domino's driver is late delivering your pizza, the pizza is free of charge. If a Domino's driver is late with Chuck Norris' pizza, that driver immediately loses his life. (And all future pizzas Chuck orders are free of charge)

Chuck Norris has a 386 yard long bullwhip. He uses it at his palacial ranch to swat gnats off the gentitals of his herd of his prize winning longhorn bulls.

Q: Who would win in a beer dinking contest between Stone Cold Steve Austin and Chuck Norris? A:Noone because no bar can hold that much awesomness!

Chuck Norris gets 95% in a 50-50 partnership.

Chuck Norris carries a list it's simple. 1.Kill and kill somemore

Ever wonder why Curly disappeared from the Three Stooges? Chuck Norris did not find him funny.

Chuck Norris can make hamburger out of ham.

Chuck Norris Found The Ark Of The Covenant... He Currently Uses It As A Coffee Table.

Chuck Norris' hula hoop has four samurai blades attached. He only uses it in the moshpit.

Ah hem. Im sorry by If Chuck Norris is a zombie, your screwed, i mean, WE'RE ALL SCREWED DAMMIT! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

The word "upChuck" came from the first time Chuck Norris round-house kicked someone in the stomach.

Chuck Norris is older than his own dad.

When Chuck Norris plays a game, every minute is potentially "Sudden Death" for his opponents...including cards and board games.

Chuck Norris once won the Boston Marathon...while sleeping...in Chicago.

When Chuck Norris calls you, you have two options: either yes, or yes. Choose one if you want to live ...

Chuck Norris CAN handle the truth.

After defeating Chuck Norris in combat ! Bruce Lee died of a broken heart.

Chuck Norris would like to be / under the sea / in an octopus's garden / throttling Ringo

Chuck Norris does sleep. He sleeps with his eyes wide open and a very big grin.

Garry Neville beat Chuck Liddell in an arm wrestle. But Chuck Norris beat them both in an arm wrestle. With his wrist .

Chuck Norris owns and operates a family restaurant in Waco, TX. The only item on the menu is a knuckle sandwich.

Fun Fact: The moment Chuck Norris was pulled from his mother's womb all the doctors and nurses in the hospital began to sing "O' Fortuna" in its entirety. There is still no scientific explanation as to how this happened.

When Super Saiyans get angry they transform into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the world's only Nobel prize-winning astrophysicist who gained his credentials solely by intimidating and beating the shit out of a bunch of eggheads.

Chuck Norris's jeans are so tight to prevent excess oxygen from reaching his legs and causing involuntary Roundhouse Kicks.

Pandora opened the box and saw Chuck Norris

there is no use crying over spilled milk, unless its Chuck Norris' milk because then your gonna die

Chuck Norris struck gold while performing his own prostate exam.

A talk show host told Chuck Norris that Justin Bieber is a no talent, lying, lowdown, egg sucking dog. Chuck said "that's not true, Bieber does not like eggs".

What you can't argue with is the Chuck Norris motto, which is "of the Norris, for the Norris, by the Norris." Chuck the Norris.

In soviet Russia Chuck Norris still kicks your ass!

Chuck Norris once killed an old man in his childhood.

Chuck Norris doesn't play music - he works it like a slave owner.

Chuck Norris has Hitler's skull hanging off of his key-chain.

Chuck Norris uses hippies as fire wood.

Chuck Norris has 3 birthdays a year

When Chuck Norris was once working at Freddy's Fazbear's Pizza, he punched the manager and roundhouse kicked Freddy Fazbear in the face.

Chuck Norris can piss in a urinal and leave the seat up.

Once when Chuck Norris was a child.....who are we kidding, Chuck Norris was born a man

Chaoticians are going to rename the so-called 'butterfly effect' as the 'Norris effect'- whenever Chuck Norris goes bezerk and destroys a city, another city on the other side of the world blows up also.

Housten's problem was Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris play Texas Levitate, because he don't need to hold 'em.

Chuck Norris' tongue is actually a proboscis.

The funniest joke ever was told by Chuck Norris about some tumbleweed that rolled by in silence.

Chuck Norris made SCREAM scream so bad he drops his mouth

Little known fact: Chuck Norris was, briefly, the only Spice Boy. He was known as Violent Spice.

The only reason O.J. won his case was because Chuck Norris was a 49ers fan

If you ever dare to 'axe' Chuck Norris a question, he will 'axe' your forehead.

Chuck Norris can choose his friends... his neighbors... his parents and family.

Following every bowl of horse hair & ballbearing bisque, Chuck Norris drinks a quart of Liquid Plummer to aid in digestion.

Chuck Norris has a role in every Saw movie... as the traps!

Confucius say wise man not face front of bull, not face back of mule, not face Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris pees pure arsenic.

Chuck Norris completed COD Black opps on a broken guitar hero guitar

The first terminator went back in time to kill Chuck Norris. As a result, the terminator will never exist.

The Terminator movies were written specifically with Chuck Norris in mind for the title role, and was originally called the Walkernator. The only differences were that the T-800 would always wear a cowboy hat and smoke cigars.

Chuck Norris did not shoot the Sheriff or the Deputy but he did torch thier police cruiser with a flaming porcupine.

Chuck Norris can exhale a huge plume of cigar smoke at any time.

Chuck Norris single-handedly saved Jack Daniels from going into bankruptcy

Chuck Norris' Ipod came with a real charger instead of just a usb cord.

Chuck Norris once held his shit for three days. His defacation is now known as the Rocky Mountains.

Chuck Norris wasn't born in a hospital. He made himself.

If you see Chuck Norris in the wild, he may eat right out of your hand, because Chuck Norris has no natural predators.

Hillary Clinton sacrifices goats to Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum balls. He chews bawling balls.

Peanut Butter has a Chuck Norris allergy...

Chuck Norris swims in active volcanos to cool off.

Chuck Norris killed all the dinosaurs and burried the corpses.

Chuck Norris' blood type is diesel

Chuck Norris is a supporter of gender equality in the workplace. That's why he makes his female employees work longer hours so they can earn the same as the men.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a cutlery drawer. He has a kitchen arsenal.

Bad news - Chuck Norris got sick last week and died. Good news - He's feeling much better now and went back to work yesterday.

Chuck Norris does not run out of bullets, bullets run out of Chuck Norris:

Chuck Norris can play a PS3 game on a PS2 console.

Chuck Norris whistles, his his war pigs come running after justin beaver!!!

in the game monopoly Chuck Norris doesnt cross go , go moves out the fucking way

Chuck Norris lives in Navasota, Texas. Navasota has a crime rate of precisely zero. No shit. Look it up.

Chuck Norris can play the Ventures hit 'Pipeline' in its entirety on a slide trombone.

Chuck Norris eats soup with a fork, KFC with chopsticks, and bananas with his feet.

Chuck Norris is a poet and his feet know it. Each one has an impression of your face on it.

Chuck Norris made One Direction go two ways.

A man once asked Chuck Norris, "what happens when an unstoppable force meets and immovable object?" Chuck Norris answered the question by punching himself in the face.

Chuck Norris can draw a picture of him kicking your ass, and send it you you a week in advance - and as soon you open it he will knock on your door, properly kick your ass, and you STILL won't know what the fuck happened.

Stanford university recently received a scholarship from Chuck Norris

It used to be called goodminton before Chuck Norris tried it.

Chuck Norris has a bear carpet in his room. The bear isnt dead. Its just afraid to move.

Chuck Norris can speak French....in Russian

When Chuck Norris points a gun at you you're actually safer

Chuck Norris can see the color beningiorer. And you haven't even heard about it.

Chuck Norris isn't a cannibal, because he is actually a superior species. So next time he devours a family member, don't be upset, just remember this is just the beautiful cycle of nature.

Chuck Norris is the biggest boss that Rick Ross has seen so far.