All Chuck Norris Facts

If Chuck Norris told YOU to jump off a bridge, you should thank him profusely and do it immediately.

Chuck Norris doesn't ride in elevators. The elevator rides around Chuck Norris.

...Where no man has gone before! Chuck Norris doesn't need the "Star Fleet". He's went everywhere.

A wise boy once told his girlfriend " I will love you for as long as Chuck Norris is alive".

When Chuck Norris got his Polio shot as a child, the doctor needed a crossbow bolt covered in the immunisation fluid.

Chuck Norris stood in the way of progress.

Chuck Norris can fit a three prong cable into a two socket outlet.

Chuck Norris was Maria Shriver's rebound guy. And he was totally cool with it.

When people don't know what to do, they ask; "What would Jesus do?" When 'HE WHO IS HOLIEST' doesn't know what to do, he ponders, "What would Chuck Norris do?"

Someone once told Chuck Norris that a roundhouse kick is not the best kick. This has been noted in history as the worst mistake ever made.

If Chuck Norris were a country, his two main exports would be pain and death.

Chuck Norris discovered a new planet by simply pointing into the night sky and saying "there's one".

Chuck Norris refuses to dip his chips in sissy assed hummas. He prefers a pile of organic tree bark, dead feral hog & whiskey humus.

There is no such thing as a tornado Chuck Norris just don't like trailer parks.

Chuck Norris once broke into Fort Knox, to take a leak.

Chuck Norris is the only person on earth that can look dignified riding a Segway.

The Christmas Tree of Chuck Norris is/has/was: 100 meters tall. 103856 ornaments. 262 stars. 2847687949295 lights. Too many presents under it to count. Painted with 38583 colors, 683 being shades of green.

Chuck Norris has baffled mathematicians by dividing by zero.

Chuck Norris' speed while running reaches close to the speed of light. His speed while walking is twice the speed of sound. His speed while sleeping is 495 mph.

Chuck Norris scratches his nuts with a cheese grater.

Chuck Norris jumped to the top of Mount Everest.

The original Linux kernel was written in Persian by Chuck Norris. Linus Torvalds ported it to C.

Lindsay Lohan once put a hickey on one of Chuck Norris' hemorrhoids.

The lesser-known (but official) name for Jupiter's Great Red Spot is Hurricane Chuck Norris.

The Killer Instinct Community is thinking either to put Chuck Norris in season 3.

Chuck Norris has a special stare that turns goat crap into gasoline.

Which came first — the chicken or the egg? Chuck Norris said it was the beer which came first, the hell with these damn animals!!!

Chuck Norris never fails to get a card from his dear mother on Mother's Day.

God stole Chuck Norris' job when he applied... God has been hiding ever since.

Recently leaked Government documents confirm that Osama Bin Ladin died at Chuck Norris' hands. Chuck confirmed that Bin Ladins last words were "Chuck Norris, figures".

Once Chuck Norris took a Vacation to the bahamas, he was watching Oprah when she said something funny he pissed himself and laughed so hard is started hurricane Katrina.

Chuck Norris once snuck in to a free concert.

Chuck Norris once made a mirror break just by beating up a person in front of it.

Chuck Norris' RV has a tractor beam.

Chuck Norris carved his Thanksgiving turkey with a roundhouse kick.

God said "Let there be light." Chuck Norris said, "Let there be God."

If Chuck Norris EVER wants to see you talk, he will ram his arm up your ass and work your mouth like a puppet.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.

100 years ago Albert Einstein predicted gravitational waves Chuck Norris can provoke one, if he wants on 2015-09-14 he was in good mood, so he did it.

Jigsaw from SAW once woke up and found a recorded message from Chuck Norris that he will die some hours later because he can't get free of the room he was trapped in.

Every one of Chuck Norris' restaurants specialize in serving piping-hot knuckle sandwiches to anyone who dares to complain.

Chuck Norris makes golf a full-contact sport.

Chuck Norris created Hugh Jackman Jokes so he would stop getting fan mail. Needless to say, it didn't work.

In the making of delta force Chuck Norris had to use a stunt double in the fighting scenes so no actors would be killed. True Fact.

Chuck Norris gently & tenderly rubbed his beard across the tiny face of 'The Green Mile' mouse, thus giving it eternal life. Just imagine the fun he had squashing it with his boots over & over again!

Chuck Norris humps camels, shags carpets and bones China.

In 79 A.D., Chuck Norris took a laxative. As a consequence, the entire city of Pompeii was destroyed.

Chuck Norris does not live in America. He craps the hell out of America and lives in California.

Chuck Norris can play the violin... on the piano.

Chuck Norris' opinion is considered to be a fatwa in Japan.

Chuck Norris is better than Billy Madison's shampoo and conditioner.

Adonis was a total Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is James Bond's wingman.

Camels have a hump because Chuck Norris needed a place to store his kills.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep with a gun he sleeps with his fist.

When Gotham City needs help, they call on Batman. When Batman needs help, he calls on Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can murder you via text message.

Recent testimonials from women worldwide have equated Chuck Norris' to that of a rivet gun.

Chuck Norris' heartbeat is dubstep.

Chuck Norris slaughtered Paul McCartney back in '67 and replaced him with a cyborg.

A Tesla battery holds 100 kWh of energy. Chuck Norris' morning yawn generates twice that.

Chuck Norris holds all the real-world cheat codes. Yeah, even the zombie one.

Chuck Norris doesn't need sunblock. The Sun needs Chuck Norris block, CNPF (Chuck Norris Protection Factor) 1000000000000000.

Chuck Norris strikes fear into zombies.

A power drill just wouldn't be... unless it had a Chuck Norris KEY.

Chuck Norris once made it to the Super Bowl. He beat the Steelers 450 to -60.

Each Thanksgiving, millions of people give thanks that Chuck Norris has let them live to see another Thanksgiving.

The Pope once tried to bless Chuck Norris. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so big he can't lift it, then hurl it through your kidneys, then make a bigger rock and lift it.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

If you type "Chuck Norris" into your GPS, it says, "Recalculating... Chuck Norris is arriving at your location... you're dead... Good-bye!"

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a machine gun and flosses with a lightsaber.

When Chuck Norris says he is "Sorry", it's not for what he has done, but for what he is about to do.

Chuck Norris's beard can cure breast cancer.

Chuck Norris has decided the value of Pi shall be 1, henceforth.

For entertainment purposes, Chuck Norris serves rum&coke and spiked punch as refreshments at AA meetings.

Chuck Norris can see the Illuminati but the Illuminati can't see Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks saplings. This is because the saplings will turn into trees the instant after he does that.

It would cost $10,000 for Chuck Norris to get a tattoo; the artist would need a .50 cal machine gun.

The formation of The Universe began when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the singularity.

Chuck Norris's beard alone has experienced more than your entire body.

If a Domino's driver is late delivering your pizza, the pizza is free of charge. If a Domino's driver is late with Chuck Norris' pizza, that driver immediately loses his life. (And all future pizzas Chuck orders are free of charge).

Chuck Norris has a 386 yard long bullwhip. He uses it at his palatial ranch to swat gnats off the gentitals of his herd of his prize winning longhorn bulls.

Q: Who would win in a beer dinking contest between Stone Cold Steve Austin and Chuck Norris? A:No one because no bar can hold that much awesomeness!

Chuck Norris gets 95% in a 50-50 partnership.

Chuck Norris carries a list it's simple. 1.Kill and kill somemore.

Ever wonder why Curly disappeared from the Three Stooges? Chuck Norris did not find him funny.

Chuck Norris can make hamburger out of ham.

Chuck Norris Found The Ark Of The Covenant... He Currently Uses It As A Coffee Table.

Chuck Norris' hula hoop has four samurai blades attached. He only uses it in the moshpit.

Ah hem. I'm sorry by If Chuck Norris is a zombie, your screwed, I mean, WE'RE ALL SCREWED DAMMIT! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

The word "upChuck" came from the first time Chuck Norris round-house kicked someone in the stomach.

Chuck Norris is older than his own dad.

When Chuck Norris plays a game, every minute is potentially "Sudden Death" for his opponents... including cards and board games.

Chuck Norris once won the Boston Marathon... while sleeping... in Chicago.

When Chuck Norris calls you, you have two options: either yes, or yes. Choose one if you want to live ...

Chuck Norris CAN handle the truth.

After defeating Chuck Norris in combat! Bruce Lee died of a broken heart.

Chuck Norris would like to be / under the sea / in an octopus's garden / throttling Ringo.

Chuck Norris does sleep. He sleeps with his eyes wide open and a very big grin.