All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris is the only person on Earth to be forgiven for punching the Pope.

Chuck Norris often goes to funerals with popcorn and soda.

When Chuck Norris was 9, his girlfriends father told Chuck to stay away from his 23-year-old daughter.

Chuck Norris can understand women.

According to Chuck Norris, too much of a good thing is still a good thing... like Texas BBQ and bashing in somebody's face for instance.

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep with a teddy bear. He sleeps with a REAL bear.

Chuck Norris can literally kill time.

Touching Chuck Norris' beard will increase you life expectancy by 6 years. Unfortunately, the following roundhouse kick will reduce your life expectancy by 300. You do the math. ".

What's the difference between REM and Chuck Norris? One sings "Everybody Hurts", the other just hurts everybody.

Chuck Norris CAN eat only one Lays Potato Chip.

Chuck Norris's pubes can cut diamonds.

Chuck Norris just killed Clas.J.

Chuck Norris owns the Rights to eating ninjas for breakfast. That's why there is no Ninja Turtle cereal.

Chuck Norris doesn't obey the law HE IS THE LAW!

Chuck Norris cut himself while trimming his beard. When he was 6.

Aliens are too afraid to visit Earth because they're afraid they'll get probed by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can take a bath in a toilet.

Chuck Norris lets lightning hit him sometimes--it tickles.

Chuck Norris doesn't use stuntmen, stuntmen use Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris tested the tower 200 now the door has abs.

Chuck Norris can tear INXS apart.

Chuck Norris doesn't use a guard dog at his home. He relies on Brutus, who is absolutely lethal when it comes to prowlers and is considered to be the most badass attack rabbit in the world.

Fool Chuck Norris once, shame on you, fool him twice, be extremely thankful he had some reason not to kill you the first time he let you think you fooled him.

CHUCK NORRIS CAN EAT WATER WITH A FORK.

Luke's father is not Darth Vader. It's Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won the 1984 Tour de France on a tricycle....backwards.....and no wheels.

The Manny Pacquiao–Floyd Mayweather Jr. fight will only push through if CHUCK NORRIS says so...

Most experts are not entirely sure Chuck Norris has yet achieved self-awareness.

Chuck Norris uses beer coasters as shurikens.

Chuck Norris could kick your ass so hard that nine months after you die, your wife would give birth to his foot.

Chuck Norris can speak in sign language.

A grizzly bear shattered all its teeth when it bit Chuck Norris in the ass. A merciful Chuck Norris then lovingless fed the toothless grizzly 3 gallons of prueed salmon before ripping its gallbladder out through its asshole.

Chuck Norris keeps a stable full of miniature horses in his beer cooler.

If Chuck Norris was going to die in 4 seconds Steven Seagal "Might" get a hit on him with Steven Seagal dying on Chuck Norris last breath.

Every man should look himself in the mirror each day and say "how can I be more like Chuck Norris?"

Chuck Norris made a set of boxing speed bags out of Abe Vigoda's earlobes.

Chuck Norris uses the Shroud of Turin as a lobster bib.

Chuck Norris can complete a 40-hour workweek by 5 p.m. on Monday.

The reason plasma guns don't exist is because Chuck Norris hasn't donated plasma.

Chuck Norris can milk a horse.

Chuck Norris literally whipped all of the U.S. Marines into shape while the U.S. Air Force was having their mid-morning brunch and crochet lessons.

The saying "You win some, you lose some" was disproven by Chuck Norris.

The only solution for our economic recovery is Chuck Norris merchandise.

Dairy Queen announced it's newest DQ treat, the Chuck Norris Combo Blizzard consisting of DQ ice cream, metal shavings, gunpowder, Tobasco & topped with crushed glass.

There is a new Chuck Norris Visa Credit Card available. If you accrue enough Chuck Norris award points, he will personally punch the person of your choice in the face.

Chuck Norris has a million Espurr. When they hug his legs, you better get the bleep out of there, or else you'll die a death worse than a roundhouse kick. Don't believe me? Have you even READ Espurr's Pokedex entries?

Chuck Norris does not leave tips. Waitresses pay Chuck for the privilege of serving him.

The orgy scenes in "Caligula" pale by comparison to the 21st Birthday party thrown for Chuck Norris.

It is impossible for Chuck Norris to get skidmarks because he craps bleach.

Chuck Norris can tell you how to get to Sesame Street.

Chuck Norris wrote his autobiography in Hexadecimal.

Once Chuck Norris played Super Mario and he never loses a life.

The only thing that Chuck Norris can't do is smell his own farts.

Chuck Norris tans in a pizza oven.

Chuck Norris once tried to wear glasses. The result was him seeing his back.

Chuck Norris is recommending his friends buy 2-story homes because zombies can't climb stairs.

Sinkholes are not caused by water under the earth. They are results of someone questioning Chuck Norris' volleyball spiking ability.

Christmas special: Chuck Norris gets infinity presents. Lucky him.

Chuck Norris once kicked a giraffes face to a snake. Now to this day the snake was called: "Brontosaurus."

Chuck Norris would love to bring your daughter to the slaughter.

Someone once said, "Chuck Norris doesn't look so tough". All that is left of that person is an ass with a boot up it.

If u spell CHUCK NORRIS without capitalizing his letters he'll wil roundhouse kick you 230,000,000 times less than a half a second and the only this u will see is your body in a coffin. It is a good thing that I capitalized his.

Chuck Norris once did stand-up comedy in Las Vegas. The entire audience laughed themselves to death.

What is black, white and red all over? Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked an actor in a black and white old movie.

By the time you finish reading this 9,000 people will have been murdered by Chuck Norris. :D.

Don't ever make the mistake of staring at Chuck Norris or you will find yourself picking up your teeth with two broken arms and counting them with two black eyes.

Life is like a brutal Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. It's more spectacular than you will ever know.

When nine hundred number operators get lonely at night, they call Chuck Norris.

When the first man whent to the moon Chuck Norris had already had a pic nic there twice.

Chuck Norris makes toast in the shower, while using his hairdryer. As a result, his electricity bill is outrageous, so he doesn't pay it.

The secret ingredient in Miracle Grow is Chuck Norris sweat. It scares plants into growing faster.

If Chuck Norris says "Let's have fun!", he actually wants to roundhouse kick you to space.

Dinosaurs went extinct because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.

Chuck Norris sold eBay on eBay.

Chuck Norris will kill Vicente Naverette.

Chuck Norris was originally going to be in Kombat Pack 2 for Mortal Kombat X. They cancelled him because 1 roundhouse kick kills the opponent instantly. FATALITY!

When Chuck Norris lived in Jamaica in the early 70's, he killed literally hundreds of people with his chucklocks alone.

Chuck Norris is better than Ash Ketchum because Ash didn't catch all the Pokemon yet.

The Dynamic Duo was originally called Chuck Norris and Batman. When Chuck Norris got bored and retired, Batman got promoted and added Robin to the team.

Ever wonder why the US government build AREA 51? Because AREA 1 up to 50 was build for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris digests His Food In His Mouth.

Chuck Norris is the reason we, as a species, can't have nice things.

Chuck Norris created Snooki by punching an Oompa Loompa in the face.

Chuck Norris once strangled a man to death with a cordless phone.

"Bigfoot" did exist... until he tried to threaten Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't play God of War. He is the God of War.

All insect killing sprays are made out of Chuck Norris fart.

Chuck Norris does not mow his grass.... he dares it to grow...

Chuck Norris doesn't go to the gas station. Chuck Norris goes to Jurassic Park.

Chuck Norris turned down the role as Optimus Prime!

Tiffany has breakfast at Chuck Norris's.

Chuck Norris can break every bone in your body with poetry.

Scientists theorize that surviving a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick would be worse than dying from it. Unfortunately no-one has survived one to confirm this theory.

Opinions are like assholes — every single one is in danger of being violated by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' wristwatch is accurate to one second every ice age.

Read! It's what smart people do! But not Chuck Norris. He already is smart enough.

Chuck Norris' density: 89,000,000 Kelvin (otherwise known as 1 Norris).

Internet service dies each time someone on your ISP tries to submit a dry Chuck Norris fact.

Chuck Norris enjoys hang gliding after dark with a pair of night-vision goggles and a bunch of nooses.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked a man in a wheelchair in the ground people dug that fossil up it is now a handicap parking sign but really it is a warning that Chuck is coming.