All Chuck Norris Facts

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When life throws lemons at Chuck Norris, he catches them and throws them back at life.

Chuck Norris went to the white house and crapped and pissed on President Barack Obama's desk, just because he is Chuck Norris.

Arnold Schwarzenegger always says he'll be back. But Chuck Norris always handles things the first time

Chuck Norris has five rows of teeth.

Chuck Norris' eyes can un-pixellate any criminal's face on the TV.

Miley Cyrus was inspired to do Wrecking Ball after actually swinging on one of Chuck Norris's balls.

If you ever suggest that Chuck Norris might be gay, make no mistake, you will be dead before you even see the movement in the darkness.

When Chuck Norris watches Bubble Guppies, he gets pissed off and jumps into the TV and roundhouse kicks the motherf$&!ing sh*t out of them.

Chuck Norris once removed a thorn from Big Foot's little toe. That's why it's impossible to track Chuck Norris through the wilderness because Big Foot covers his trail with his own footprints.

Fun Fact: Chuck Norris wearing a blanky, riding a tricycle, with a kitten on his head looks more badass THAN YOU WILL EVER BE!!

Of course Chuck Norris banged Dolly Parton when she was in her prime.

Chuck Norris is loaded with more weaponry and alcohol than every pirate in history put together.

The Hulk doesn't like Chuck Norris when he's angry.

Chuck Norris on the cast of The Expendables 2 means the movie will consist of opening credits, one roundhouse kick, and closing credits. A single shot will not be fired.

Chuck Norris can see a black person on Friends.

Chuck Norris will kill anyone who does NOT respect him.

Samuel L Jackson is Chuck Norris' padawan

Chuck Norris once got in a bullfight with a matador.

Chuck Norris sees his reflection in a window.

When Chuck Norris was born, his Dad celebrated by lighting up cigars, one for him and one for Chuck.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

The Chicago Cubs are the worst team in baseball history. The only reason Cub fans still exist is because they are the only group of losers that Chuck Norris, uncharacteristically, has displayed any mercy for.

Every time Chuck Norris kills somebody, Danny Trejo gets another pockmark.

Chuck Norris cuts his steak with a plastic spoon.

Chuck Norris has the powers of the force, but NOBODY knows

When Chuck Norris claps his hands, the sun turns off.

Wooy Woodpecker died today. Nobody laughs at Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was a Sherman Tank in a past life.

Chuck Norris can stack cups without moving his hands or eyes.

Chuck Norris went for a stroll in the jungle and was ambushed by a very hungry tiger. The attack was brutal, merciless and clinical. The tiger just doesn't have a ghost of chance at all. That is how Chuck Norris got the tiger rug in his living room.

Every once in awhile Chuck Norris goes on vacation to asia or the Middle-East. While there he usually gets into a bar-fight. Afterwards, this is remembered as a "war"

Chuck Norris raced light. Now he is always in the dark!

Chuck Norris keeps all the nuclear launch codes pinned to his fridge.

Michael Jackson can moonwalk but Chuck Norris can sun walk

The world is actually a long action movie franchise and we're all just background characters in Chuck Norris' story.

Chuck Norris can bend irony into balloon-animal shapes.

Chuck Norris got his legs cut off and still managed to get up and walk it off.

The Original Name of the Movie was Alien vs Chuck Norris. The producers found this to be a bit of an unfair fight, and knowing that they wanted a sequal, they substitued Predator for Chuck Norris. Many lives were saved.

The US did not boycot the 1980 Summer Olympics. Chuck Norris was the only US qualifier for every event. He decided not to compete because there was no challenge.

In 3rd grade , Chuck Norris wrote tthat 1+1=4 , and was instantly promoted to 8th grade.

Chuck Norris turned his Total Gym into a time machine.

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. When life gives Chuck Norris lemons, he makes apple juice.

In Hollywood, the abbreviation HD stands for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is so scary, he can print his own money by sending selfies to the U.S. Mint.

Chuck Norris only finds M&M's in a bag of Trail Mix.

Chuck Norris can be a better villain than Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Snaptrap, Venom, Lizard, and.....well any other villain. Hes a better villain than anyone.

Chuck Norris doesn't live in America. America lives under Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' prostate has eaten dozens of doctor's middle fingers.

Chuck Norris, motherfucker. Chuck fucking Norris.

Chuck Norris was a first responder but he quit because people wanted him to use the defibrillators, and not roundhouse kicks.

Chuck Norris was originally cast to play the Terminator. However, the directors realized that if Chuck Norris was the Terminator, there would be no human resistence.

Chuck Norris sack-slapped a man in Reno just to watch him cry.

Michael Jordan was recently asked who he thought was the greatest basketball player in the world. His answer? Chuck Norris.

pearld harbour was burned because Chuck Norris pee on that with high explosive urine

Chuck Norris put 5 of his good friends in the hospital, after they challenged him to a pillow fight.

Chuck Norris once stabbed a man to death with a pillow.

Chuck Norris can cast Tenth Level Spells under First Edition rules.

Chuck Norris once rode a bull for 6 hours. He then ate it raw.

Chuck Norris uses his tongue can sniff out snakes. His tongue can also strangle a snake. He uses his beard to fillet the snake into bite size pieces and mixes it in with bananas to top off his bowl of Post Toasties.

Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Grim Reaper can process them.

Chuck Norris has a gentle side and it has only killed 100 ninjas.

Chuck Norris is the reason Atlantis no longer exists.

What Chuck Norris calls a "chaser" is what you and I call "cobra venom".

Chuck Norris can fix stupid with duct tape but he prefers to fix it with a roundhouse kick to stupid's face.

Chuck Norris is suing the creators of Facebook, for stealing the name of his personal collection of facial tissue he ripped off from people he met with bad manners.

The rock band Stone Temple Pilots got their name after they witnessed Chuck Norris cruising around in an Aztec shrine on the streets of L.A.

It's a little known fact that Chuck Norris's cat had a part in Harry Potter. To conceal her identity they called her " Mrs Norris".

Sheena became a Punk Rocker ever since Chuck Norris broke her heart.

When Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks your nuts your face implodes on itself.

Pound for pound, Chuck Norris is the biggest badass ever.

If you ever hear that Chuck Norris has died, it's not true. He just went to heaven to show God how it's done. i.e. create the world in 2 days cos' he has better shit to do.

The color brown exists because Chuck Norris scared the shit out of while.

The term "Screaming Mimi" was introduced to American society in 1959 as a result of Chuck Norris attending an Eisenhower family BBQ.

Osama is not hiding from U.S soldiers , but of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can satisfy any woman just by being in the same room with her.

Did you know that Mother Nature had a one-night-stand with Father Time? The result was Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason that the Army had to change their slogan, "An Army of One".

A long time ago, in a galaxy far,far away.... Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the shit out of somebody.

Chuck Norris recently won the celebrity 'Dancing with the Stars' TV competition with his rendition of a Rottweiler dragging is ass across the carpet.

Chuck Norris spelled backwards is Chuck Norris

According to Forrest Gump: "Life is not like a box of chocolates. Life is actually not pissing off Chuck Norris. And that's all I have to say about that!"

Jesus's birthday isn't December 25th, but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card on that day. Jesus was to scared to tell Chuck the truth, and that's why we celebrate Christmas.

Once, while hunting in Alaska, Chuck Norris bagged a a bull moose, a rhinoceros and 4 hyenas.

Chuck Norris can flog a dead horse back to life.

Chuck Norris beated on the ground and now we have bricks

Scientist have tried to come up with a theory for how Chuck Norris came to be... we now know this theory as the "Big Bang"

Seriously, if it wasn't for Chuck Norris, we would be up to World War Nine by now.

Chuck Norris can ride his bike with no handlebars..............or wheels

In Highschool when Chuck Norris phone rang in class the teachers phone was confiscated

The U.S. Constitution's ban on cruel and unusual punishment specifically exempts Chuck Norris.

If you ask Chuck Norris for his autograph, he'll dip his boot in a bucket of ink and roundhouse kick you in your face.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles by chewing ghost chilis.

Chuck Norris don't give a fuck. Fuck gives Chuck.

Want to cure hiccups? Just pretend Chuck Norris is angry at you. As long as that thought doesn't make you die of fright, you'll never have hiccups again.

Chuck Norris can swallow his tongue, reel out two feet of toilet paper and wipe his own ass with it.

Chuck Norris once saw Spiderman on a wall so he folded up a newspaper and swatted him.

Chuck Norris simply walks into Mordor

The Inuit have over a 100 words for snow but only two for fear.. Chuck Norris.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, some poems rhyme, Chuck Norris kicked my ass.