All Chuck Norris Facts

Michael Jackson denied Chuck Norris' facebook friend request on June 25, 2009...you never deny Chuck Norris.

Boots cost Chuck Norris a fortune! He keeps losing them up people's asses!

Chuck Norris and the Terminator recently ran into each other. The Terminator asked "what's up, boss"?

The city of Atlantis was a thriving one until the day its leader insulted Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented cranberries by uprooting a cherry tree and throwing it into a farm pond.

Chuck Norris once repurposed an old baby chair into a four legged Ninja flying death spear.

Chuck Norris is who taught Bear Ghrylls all his survival skills.

Chuck Norris wields a freight train like nunchucks.

Jesus weeps. Chuck Norris doesn't.

Recently a heckler told Chuck Norris "I'll bet you've seen Steel Magnolias". Chuck immediately replied "I'll bet you are gonna see the imprint of my fist in the middle of your face".

Chuck Norris loves horses .... With ketchup and onions .

Chuck Norris formed the Grand Canyon with his bare hands.

Chuck Norris can literally break his foot off in your ass.

After Michael Jackson's death, investigators turned a blind eye to the huge Chuck Norris-shaped hole in the bedroom wall.

Chuck Norris doesn't need glasses. He just gets new eyeballs.

Chuck Norris can put out a fire....with gasoline.

Chuck Norris invented crunk. That's actually how you say his name in Chuckenese.

Ice Cream Is To Afraid To Melt If Chuck Norris Is Eating It.

Chuck Norris likes to perform chuckalingus on his ladies.

Argentina uses Chuck Norris' shit as currency.

If you blame Chuck Norris, your actually blaming yourself.

When Chuck Norris was 8, he acted out in class and was told to go to the Principals Office for a spanking, so Chuck went to the Office and gave the Principal a spanking.

Chuck Norris was originally set to play Dr. Manhattan in Watchmen, but the producers realized that the vision of a butt-naked fifty-foot tall, blue-glowing Chuck would result in erotically-charged rioting in cinemas the world over.

Chuck Norris can cut a knife with a stick of butter

Chuck Norris has a savings and a Chucking account

In 18th century England, Chuck Norris was considered an urbane and cultured Norristocrat.

Its always dark when Chuck Norris wakes up cause the sun dares not glare at Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris once had a weak moment, just to know what it felt like.

Harm never gets in Chuck Norris' way

The Avengers Assemble - Chuck Norris Dissemble.

Chuck Norris is the reason the BeeGees sing "Staying Alive"

Chuck Norris is too sexy for Right Said Fred.

Chuck Norris can drive manual, in an automatic.

Chuck Norris got his second speeding ticket for doing 137 MPH in his Corvette. When he was 9.

once a cobra bit Chuck Norris, after 5 days of pain the cobra died.

Chuck Norris made the Grand Canyon because he coughed "Just Once"

The Catholic Church has offered Chuck Norris the position of Pope at least four times...even though Chuck Norris isn't Catholic.

When Chuck Norris creates a login, it tells him "password not strong enough", he types in his name and it tells him "password too strong."

Chuck Norris grows his crops on solid concrete,and they are twice the size of ground grown crops.

The easiset way for Chuck Norris to attract women is to turn up.

In a single day in 1967, Chuck Norris shot down 22 enemy aircraft over Vietnam. He was stationed in Greenland at the time.

Chuck Norris can climb a tree without using his hands

Chuck Norris' neighbor asked if he could help fix his taps. Chuck fixed his taps, all right - then tapped his wife.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as Lord Eddard "Ned" Stark in Game of Thrones, but Boromir was cast instead because the film crew couldn't find a sword that can chop off Chuck Norris' head.

Although a big fan of meat, Chuck Norris has never eaten a tenderloin - nothing about Chuck is tender.

If looks could kill, Chuck Norris would be considered the biggest genocidal maniac since Hitler.

Chuck Norris is like a vampire. The difference is that he drinks more blood in one day than Dracula has had in 300 years.

Similar to an Iceberg, only 1/10 of Chuck Norris beard can be seen above the surface.

When Chuck Norris pokes you on Facebook you can feel it

Chuck Norris gargles peanut butter.

Chuck Norris once lighted his fart and sent himself propelling to Neptune for an interplanetary excursion.

Chuck Norris is the only anagram for 'death' that doesn't contain any of its letters.

Chuck Norris invented the yellow brick road.

If a vampire bites Chuck Norris, it becomes his slave.

A man once took Chuck Norris to court for alleged assult. After the shortest jury deliberation in history, the man was found guilty of first-degree Talking Shit About Mr. Norris and sentenced to death by instant roundhouse kick.

Bill Gates hasn't wrote a check Chuck Norris couldn't cash.

Chuck Norris turned down the lead role in the movie "Crank" ...said it made him look weak

The last time Chuck Norris used the term "clean up this mess" it rained for 40 days and 40 nights.

Chuck Norris used an abacus to solve the final digit of pi.

The real reason of the tsunami was because Chuck Norris threw a rock from texas and it landed in the indian ocean.

Space only exist because it afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris

As a child, Chuck Norris' favorite pass time was running at the speed of light and ripping apart the fabric of time and space for fun and entertainment.

Chuck Norris can stare down a Buckingham Palace guard. After he does that, he roundhouse kicks their stupid furry hats off their heads.

The U.S. Coast Guard has approved recordings of Chuck Norris farts for use on all maritime vessels as the preferred fog horn signal.

Chuck Norris breaks hockey sticks over his shins.

Chuck Norris doesn't fear death, death fears him

Chuck Norris taught Moses how to use a GPS

Chuck Norris can cure ADD with a simple glance of disapproval.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris doesn't get constipated, he holds his shit for ransom

Chuck Norris drinks his whiskey with a goddamn funnel.

Chuck Norris likes to fill pinatas with nitro glycerine and give them to orphanages.

Every time Chuck Norris enters a room the theme from Walker, Texas Ranger plays.

The surest way for any of the factions to rule supreme on "Game of Thrones" is to get Chuck Norris to fight for them.

Chuck Norris can satisfy an oil well.

Hitler shot himself not because the Russians were in Berlin, but because he heard Chuck Norris had just volunteered for military service.

Chuck Norris played golf. He tee'd off. The ball landed in the cup, bounced out, landed in the 2nd cup, then the 3rd... finally stopping in the 18th.

Chuck Norris' slinky goes UP the stairs.

Chuck Norris once won the World Horse Racing Championship riding a dead horse.

There can be a lot of Chucks. But there can be only one Chuck Norris.

The Bill Of Rights was written by Chuck Norris on a used napkin and was originally called The Chuck Of Wrongs.

Chuck Norris can make you lick your own elbow by twisting you into a pretzel.

Chuck Norris likes lots of honey on his Texas Toast. That's why he keeps 27 killer bee hives in his livingroom.

Chuck Norris can kill people in four different languages.

Chuck Norris doesn't jump because if he jumps he makes a hole in the ozone layer.

When Chuck Norris drives through a ghetto neighbourhood, he can make his Chevrolet truck appear much more "hip" than usual by pressing the "Swag" button on the dashboard.

Chuck Norris was on safari in The Congo and suddenly came face to face with a huge Silverback Gorilla. Once the Gorilla realized who it was, he wet himself and ran screaming into the jungle.

The best part of waking up is not Foldgers in your cup. It's knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

Chuck Norris is what U2 are looking for.

Don't talk about Chuck Norris. He's listening

Many don't know Chuck Norris was arrested when he was 10. Chuck beat up a 26 year old guy in a bar fight.

Chuck Norris can't use Twitter, because he is doing everything, everywhere, all the time. It would break the Internet.

Chuck Norris was able to jumped the Grand Canyon on his grand-daughter's tricycle.

Chuck Norris' computer boots up in under 4 seconds. The "Welcome" sound is the Walker: Texas Ranger theme song.

"Welcome to the jungle" starts playing out of nowhere whenever a dr starts giving Chuck Norris a colonoscopy

Chuck Norris was ask to join the cast of The Exspendables, but once Stallone offered Chuck the part.... he did a roundhouse kick, and said with a grin.. Sly you know as well as anyone.. Chuck Norris is not expendable.

Chuck Norris blew up the Death Star with a roundhouse kick.

Only God can judge the whole mankind. Only Chuck Norris can judge God

Chuck Norris killed his shadow while shadow boxing. That's why you never see his shadow when he comes up behind you.

Chuck Norris tried to slap the pedophelia out of Michael Jackson. Sadly, Chuck slapped Michael a bit too hard.