All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris once ate a whole large container of nails and then shat out a nickel.

The truth doesn't hurt Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris hurts the truth.

Chuck Norris has the teeth of a crocodile. He keeps them in a jar of mayo [the mayo is still inside], and the crocodile has grown back his teeth.

Chuck Norris can beat a octopus in an underwater breathing contest.

Chuck Norris' birthday is on the 29th of Febuary...every year!

Chuck Norris uses a violin bow as a toothpick.

Chuck Norris can parallel park a freight train

There is only one thing Chuck Norris can't do... He can't die. But even if he prove me wrong, he'll still be alive afterwards.

Chuck Norris and Justin Bieber hang out in Minecraft... Justin: Ok, tell me... how did you find redstone at level 80 without any mods? Chuck: Don't you remember? Justin: Oh, right. I forgot. Chuck Norris can find redstone anywhere in Minecraft.

The angel of death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience.

Chuck Norris demands a 29th day of February every 4 years. We call this leap year. It's true name is leapspinkick year.

Some people have wondered why Chuck Norris never played hockey. Would you want to face Chuck Norris with blades attached to his feet?

Chuck Norris' phone never auto corrects him

Chuck Norris once ran a one-minute mile. He did it dragging an 18-wheeler while running in a field of wet cement.

The rotation of the Earth was actually started by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

When a problem comes along, Chuck Norris whips it. He whips it good.

Brian didn't survive Chuck Norris' punch- It was only a ghost who came from undeneath the table. It's hard to tell, because Brian is already white. Gee, I wonder how that happened!

Chuck Norris is so passionate, all of his crimes of passion are misdemenor fines that all of his victims/chosen ones will gladly pay for him.

Chuck Norris does not navigate through a corn maze... The corn merely realigns itself in chucks favor out of fear of being roundhouse kicked in the head!

Chuck Norris speaks fluent Pootie Tang

Chuck Norris helps out NASA by throwing astronauts into space.

Chuck Norris threw his first paper aeroplane age 4... It landed yesterday.

At McDonalds, Chuck Norris ordered breakfast at 10:40 and was denied because breakfast ends at 10:30. He got so mad , he roundhouse kicked the McDonalds so hard it became Wendy's !xpsl

Chuck Norris bleeds awesomeness, not blood.

Chuck Norris dreams in Blu Ray

Chuck Norris is the only one that knows the meaning of life!

When you watch Chuck NOrris in HD, it's even more painful.

Santa needs an army of elves and a team of reindeer to produce and deliver presents for the world. Chuck Norris could do the same with no help whatsoever.

When Chuck Norris needs a new car, he doesn't look for a car, the cars look for him!

Gordon Ramsay said that Chuck Norris' peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are outstanding and suitable for 5 star gourmet restaurants.

If a tree falls in the woods, not only did Chuck Norris hear it, he probably kicked that motherfucker over too.

Remember when I said Chuck Norris was slower than Sonic. I lied. Their top speed is equal.

The Titanic didnt sink because of an iceberg.. Chuck Norris just went out for a swim

Chuck Norris can make a hockey puck dissolve in his mouth in less than 15 seconds.

Jesus didn't walk on water. Chuck Norris carried him.

you don't shut up you shut down - Chuck Norris

To prevent air pollution and save energy, Chuck Norris swallows smoldering coal and then eat raw fish to cook it inside his stomach.

Chuck Norris does not hang ductwork. Ductwork hang's itself when it encounters Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented decaf coffee by punching a coffee bean.

Chuck Norris discovered the evolution of evolutions.

Bon Jovi went out in a Blaze of Glory because they stood behind Chuck Norris when he lit a fart!

The Death Star's original name was Space Station Chuck Norris.

"Chuck Norris can satisfy a woman by pointing at her with his finger and saying "Booya" "

Chuck Norris is always ahead of everybody else. But during Daylight Savings Time he is 2 hours ahead.

The force actually has three sides. The light side the Darkside and the Chuck Norris side

Physicists have recently discovered that the universe began when Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked a singularity (the big bang).

When Chuck Norris was on the Apprentice, the first thing he'd did was fire that smug Donald Trump.

The DEA raided a hotel room to capture a man sniffing cocaine, upon knowing that it was CHUCK NORRIS they all hancuff and arrested themselves!

This is Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris kills cyclops by punching them between the eyes. Chuck Norris kills all the bad guys without reloading. Chuck Norris is the greatest at being the greatest at everything. NO NOT attempt to be like Chuck.

To err is human. To forgive is divine. To kill is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris snorts crushed-up glass.

When Graham bell invented the phone he found three messages from Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris keeps a grenade launcher hidden inside his grand piano.

If you're going to prison, simply tattoo 'PROPERTY OF CHUCK NORRIS' on your lower back, and you can drop the soap all you want.

Chuck Norris was expelled from the 5th grade when he took Steve, his pet Velociraptor for show and tell.

CHuck Norris' Mother has a tatoo of Chuck Norris on her right bicep.

Chuck Norris' house has a ceiling, but no roof

When Chuck Norris was little he followed a rainbow. He met a leprechaun and asked for its gold. It wouldn't give it to him. This is why we no longer have leprechauns. "

Freddy Krueger can't sleep because he is afraid of Chuck Norris appearing in his dreams.

Chuck Norris nags and bitches at women for leaving the toilet seat DOWN.

Chuck Norris recently got Sylvester Stallone in a headlock and told him 'motherfucker if I ever hear you fucking swear I will motherfucking kill your entire motherfucking family, bitch'.

Chuck Norris can make a slinky go up the stairs.

A dentist once lost his arm trying to remove a young Chuck Norris' tonsils.

Chuck Norris' bathroom shower is equipped with with automatic Tazer guns that provide him with that calm, fresh, relaxed feeling before each new day of face punching old ladies delaying traffic in crosswalks.

Whitney Houston was recently found dead in a Hotel room with drugs all around her body. She overdosed once she found out Chuck Norris was actually her father.

The last time Chuck Norris had a brainstorm it knocked out power to 3 major US cities at once

When the Terminator goes to the cinema, he watches only Chuck Norris movies.

Steven Seagal crossed the road because Chuck Norris stuffed Seagal's head up a chicken's ass.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever win a game of chess in one move. A round-house kick to the head!

Rick James died of a heart attack when he heard the words 'I'm Chuck Norris, bitch'.

Chuck Norris kills time. With two meat cleavers.

Chuck Norris is the only person on Earth who can literally be beside himself. You don't want to be around when they do that.

Chuck Norris is the reason The Divynals touch themselves.

Chuck Norris once beat Pokemon Black and White. He hacked once, though this was so when he got a Pokemon, it immediately turned into a Metapod. None ever used Struggle.

Chuck Norris is not photographed. The film just tries to emulate him.

Chuck Norris threw a knife in MW3 and killed someone in skyrim.

If Chuck Norris ever starred in Jaws, the movie would be called: "Dentures".

The day before the MTV awards, Miley was broken in by Chuck Norris.

If you google "What is the purpose of life?", a picture of Chuck Norris pops up.

The real reason why the Titanic sunk was because Chuck Norris was swimming under water and crashed into the Titanic by accident.

When a telemarketer phones Chuck Norris' number, the first thing they hear is the pleading voice of one their loved ones.

Chuck Norris was not made by god.God was made by Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can stare an enemy into submission, but it's a lot more fun to roundhouse kick their ass

Some have said to seeing Chuck Norris levitate. Truth is, Earth just moves down when he farts.

Chuck Norris doesn't get drunk. He simply lowers his IQ to yours.

The recent financial debacle was not due subprime mortgage lending and the housing bubble bursting. The real reason was Chuck Norris stopped lending to banks.

fish gotta to swim and birds gotta fly... but if Chuck Norris tells them to do otherwise... then those fish better start flyin!

Chuck Norris doesn't buy shoes; they grow out of his feet.

Chuck Norris can roll a stone and make it gather moss

Chuck Norris receives mothers day cards for giving birth to twins: WAR AND PEACE!!!!

Chuck Norris loves to throw horseshoes. He had to give it up. Texas ran out of horses.

Chuck Norris doesn't need to blow out the candles on his birthday cake . They just know what to do and when to do it.

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

When face to face with Chuck Norris, the honey badger DOES give a shit.

The Terminator peed his pants when he turned around and saw Chuck Norris behind him.

Chuck Norris doesn't get sucked away into tornadoes. The tornado gets sucked away into Chuck Norris.

Jack Links Beef Jerky wanted to film a series of "Messin' with Chuck Norris" commercials. They later had to settle for Sasquatch because they couldn't find any actors dumb enough to mess with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris solved the illegal immigration problem. He replaced every "U.S. Border" sign with "Norris Ranch".

Chuck Norris put Lysol out of business, he kills odor too

Chuck Norris always signs his cheques with a bigass peacock feather.