All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris had appendicitis so he removed his appendix with his pocket knife and closed the wound with a staple gun.

Chuck Norris died yesterday. He's fine today.

Whenever there is an earthquake, know that Chuck Norris is not very far away.... and the earth knows it

if someone challenges Chuck Norris, life ends on earth

Chuck Norris starred in a sequel to the movie "300" It's called "1"

Chuck Norris makes Bear Grylls look like a goddamn shut-in.

The Chuck Norris commandments: Thou shall not misuse your lord Chuck Norris name. (Chuck 1:3)

The only thing that can survive a nuke is twinkes. And Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes his meat so rare; he only eats unicorns.

Bigfoot has plaster casts of Chuck Norris' foot prints.

If you ever insinuate that bearded men are insecure, the last thing you will ever see is Chuck Norris sprinting toward you.

Chuck Norris can whistle underwater.

Someone once used Chuck Norris' name in a men's restroom graffiti. That is correct, "once"! The body of a castrated man was later found by police floating in the city sewer system.

Chuck Norris won the 2011 Las Vegas Blackjack tournament by taking 22 hits on his last hand.

christmas fact: Chuck Norris can put you on the naughty list. That ends with a roundhouse kick in your face.

Chuck Norris doesn't smoke cigars. He smokes smoke grenades.

Chuck Norris is not afraid of a skin walker

'Chuck Norris' in Canadian is 'Sasquatch'

The Grim Reaper is actually Chuck Norris's son.

Some of Chuck Norris' favorite comedies include Reservoir Dogs, 300, Scarface, The Wild Bunch, Terminator II, Rambo III, Natural Born Killers, Conan the Barbarian, The Godfather, and Apocalypse Now.

Chuck Norris was supposed to star in the movie "Zombieland". The zombies were terrified of him and Woody Harrelson had to replace him.

Chuck Norris can burp Haiku verse in hex.

Want to know what Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick feels like? Go ask Stephen Hawking

Chuck Norris gives the same Christmas gift every year: he lets you live.

Chuck Norris once farted and lit it on fire as a joke. We now call it the sun.

Chuck Norris can unscramble eggs in a Vita-Mix blender.

Chuck Norris can make RuPaul dress like a man.

Chuck Norris fought a zombie bare-handed and won.

If you slap Chuck Norris......oh god i just cant say it...hes behind me.

Fred Long won the Oscar for Best Costume Design for Invasion USA, for providing Chuck Norris with tight jeans.

Chuck Norris can lift himself three feet in the air while urinating.

God said to the world, "Let there be light!" Chuck Norris said, "Say Please"

Chuck Norris is considered a sensitive, new-age guy... who just happens to own four gatling guns

Chuck Norris is allergic to mercy. Enough said.

Chuck Norris dung glows in the dark and emits a barely audible hum.

It is a well known fact that too many uninformed people, now deceased, took Chuck Norris for granted. It is equally true that all living, well informed individuals take Chuck Norris for granite.

The last guy to play frisbee with Chuck Norris was actually Bob Dole.

Chuck Norris's "Will" will never be stronger than Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris knows how to shut down Skynet. Warner Bros beged him not to so they can make some money out of it.

Chuck Norris looked at a grayard and said what have i done

Chuck Norris requires a recking ball to bowl

there isn't an I in team but there is an I in Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can kick u in the back of the face

The sunami in Japan was an accident. Chuck Norris just wanted to splash around in the tub.

Chuck Norris was the Da Vinci's Code. Nobody ever had the guts to decode it, knowing that.

Chuck Norris uses barbed wire as dental floss.

Only Chuck Norriss' fights start with the end.

Chuck Norris' living room is a full-scale replica of the final level of Doom.

Chuck Norris invented facial piercings back in the 60's when he rammed a hippie head first into a fisherman's tackle box.

Chuck Norris talked to himself in his mother's womb.

Chuck Norris' bodyguards a lucky to have Chuck Norris as their bodyguard.

Chuck Norris' uvula is the size of a punching bag.

Chuck Norris forced the Beatles to change the lyrics to many of their songs, including "All You Need Is Chuck", "Hey Jude (Chuck Norris Fathered You)" "I Am Chuck's Walrus" and "Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except Chuck Norris".

It is impossible to beat Chuck Norris in rock, paper, scissors since his roundhouse kick beats all. Yes, even the bomb.

When the Oracle told Chuck Norris he wasn't the ONE, he laughed and roundhouse kicked her in the face.

When a young Chuck Norris learnt how to swim, he didn't need any floaties or vests. He swam laps with his feet encased in concrete.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity and negative infinity, mutliple times, while waiting in line at the DMV.

Tony the Tiger knows that Chuck Norris is G-R-E-A-T!

The fumes from a Chuck Norris fart can make Limburger Cheese smell a perfume factory.

Chuck Norris can build a computer with Windows 7.

Chuck Norris doesn't count his chicken before they hatch. He cracks them and eats them.

Chuck Norris doesn't have nightmares, nightmares have him

Chuck Norris once made a waterfall run backwards by sheer intimidation.

Kevelar body armour is made from the nose hair of Chuck Norris

The Kool-Aid Pitcher Man once burst through Chuck Norris' livingroom wall and said, "Oh Nooooo!"

I don't know why we haven't been able to explore Black Holes yet....just send Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris doesn't play billiards, as he pots all the balls on his first shot. You won't see this, you would have already been killed by the rebounding cueball.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Justin Bieber's voice is so high

Chuck Norris ate tiny the tiger for breakfast and it was GGGRRRREEEAAAT!

Attitudes have a Chuck Norris problem.

Chuck Norris knows theory of Everything, but if he tells you he will have to kill you.

Santa actually gives everyone presents. It's just that Chuck Norris pounds some of them into coal.

Chuck Norris has never lost playing 'Whack-a-Mole'.

Chuck Norris once interrogated agent Smith.

Chuck Norris' pet mouse, Mr Whiskers, ate a cat.

For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

All libraries file Chuck Norris' novels in Non-Fiction

Chuck Norris special orders his pencils without erasers because Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.

Chuck Norris wins American Idol humming the Tetris theme.

Chuck Norris is thankful for everything he's got. And that is everything on this planet, including the planet

Clint Eastwood to Chuck Norris: Ask yourself, "Do I feel Lucky?Well, do you , punk? Chuck Norris with piercing hollow stare. You do know who I am, right? ...... Pow! Thud! " maybe you need to talk to the foot.

Chuck Norris can destroy a falling piano with a dime.

Chuck Norris pioneered the idea of multiple organ donations after ripping out the still-beating heart, kidneys, lungs, liver and eyes of some fool who scratched his car.

Chuck Norris can beat the Dark Souls video game in one play through without dying.

After Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Theresa Caputo, the Long Island Medium in the face for being a fake, she really was able to communicate with the dearly departed...posthumously.

Chuck Norris scrathes his balls with barb wire.

Chuck Norris can sing "Yankee Doodle Dandy" in a Jamaican Reggae voice.

If Chuck Norris was the lead actor of Mission Impossible, the movie would've lasted 1 minute.

When many people end a threat with "or else," the "or else" is pain or punishment. When Chuck Norris uses "or else," it means horrible death.

When Chuck Norris plays Halo 3, he uses only a pistol. He has never lost. EVER.

Chuck Norris and his Mom have matching tattoos. Left kuckle Right knuckle Chuck Norris . Left foot Right foot Chuck Norris. Only one difference. Above his Mom's hairy mat it reads Hello ! Above Chuck Norris's bearded Ass it simply reads Goodbye.

The world was a cube. Until Chuck Norris got there!

During the Japan Tsunami a UFO was spotted flying out of the water.Recent news report Chuck Norris piloted the object. That object was his leg.

Chuck Norris puts his pants on by roundhouse kicking his closet.

Chuck Norris visited his local Taco Bell and ordered a platter of Alaskan King Crablegs. The Taco Bell manager was pronounced DOA at a local hospital after he was only able to provide Chuck with a single chicken fried snail a la carte.

The Black Eyed Peas inspiration for "Boom Boom Pow" is about Chuck Norris famous lethal combination. 2 straight jabs creating the "Boom" sound and finishes you off with the roundhouse kick to the head creating the "Pow" sound.

In science, the hydrologic cycle is simply the process of Chuck Norris watering the garden to keep his feeding supply fresh.

Chuck Norris was selling a line of drinks called (Chuck Norris in a can) in a wide variety of flavors, but do to the fact that the drinks had a roundhouse kick of flavor, it had the same effect as a roundhouse kick.

Once, as a child, Chuck Norris lied to his parents. Seconds later, their pants caught on fire.

On a recent trip to Vegas, Chuck Norris won a hand of blackjack with 21 aces.