All Chuck Norris Facts

Chuck Norris is the only man to swim the entire length of the Amazon. He swam all 4048 miles in 7 days.

Chuck Norris can kill you with a cotton ball.

Chuck Norris CAN kill a dead body!

Chuck Norris caused Pompeii to erupt by just going to the lava. He didn't die though cause he's immune to lava.

Chuck Norris hates Internet Explorer. And he is going to roundhouse kick the fuckin shit out of you if you use it. Get Firefox!

Chuck Norris dosn't dip oreos in milk, Chuck Norris dips glasses of milk in oreos.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a compiler like Visual Studio to compile code. Code compiles for him out of pure trepidation. This includes code on paper!

Chuck Norris once ordered a Big Mac from the witness stand... and he fucking well got one from the judge.

Chuck Norris once won a game of duck, duck goose using only the word "goat"

If you stare into the abyss for too long, Chuck Norris will stare back.

Chuck Norris wears glasses to protect the sun.

After meeting with Chuck Norris, iron man was referred to as the tin man!

Ice doesn't melt in the Sun,Chuck Norris melts it with his.....MIND!

Chuck Norris has a mahogany fireplace in his shower

God modeled his beard look after Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once spent 3 days and 5 nights on a lavish Las Vegas vacation package.

In the Chuck Norris universe, there are no decimal numbers,or remainders in division, or anything that's partly finished, in any case. Chuck Norris likes everything whole and proper.

Teacher says every time a bell rings Chuck Norris kills an angel.

On Storage Wars, Chuck Norris is allowed go in all the storage lockers and open all the boxes he wants. Who's going to stop him.

Once god asked Chuck Norris "what do you want?". Chuck Norris retorted "what the fuck do YOU want?" and proceeded to roundhouse kick him mercilessly. Ever since god went into hiding and is rarely seen by anyone ever again.

Chuck Norris invented the Shotgun Enema.

Chuck Norris never 'attends' parties. He is the party.

Chuck Norris once ordered pizza in McDonalds. He got it.

Chuck Norris uses two 11 yr old kids and a scarf as his nunchucks.

In stead of threatening to call child support whenever my dad wants to beat me, I threaten to call Chuck Norris.

If you knock your drink over at Chuck Norris' house, you will be killed before the drink hits the carpet. Then Norris will catch the glass without spilling a drop anyway.

You are always told to turn off your cell phone during a flight, in case Chuck Norris calls you and whispers the secret incantation to make you spontaneously combust.

Chuck Norris was NOT born he willed himself into exsistance.

Chuck Norris recently got a prince albert piercing the size of a dumbbell.

Chuck Norris once needed "more cowbell" from the New York Philharmonic Symphony Orchestra and he damn well got it.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a shadow anymore because he roundkicks a wall if it appears

Chuck Norris won Gold in the Olympic Fencing Competition while riding a horse, wearing body armor & brandishing jousting lance.

McGruff "takes a bite out of Crime." Chuck Norris prefers exterminating Crime.

Chuck Norris can walk a tight rope upsidedown.

Chuck Norris doesn't fart, air flees his body in despair.

Chuck Norris is God's secret cousin

Chuck Norris made Twisted Sister take it.

A Chuck Norris flying roundhouse kick in the face has been known to cause a yellow, pus filled abscess in hemorrhoidal tissue.

Chuck Norris did not call the wrong number.You answered the wrong phone.

JFK wasnt killed by a bullet, Chuck Norris ran in and deflected the bullet with his beard... JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement

Chuck Norris can move quicker then the blink of an eye

Chuck Norris one cut down a giant redwood tree with a pair of nail clippers

The Incas used to sacrifice their most beautiful women to the Sun God. The Sun God was their title for Chuck Norris.

What's the difference between Jam and Jelly? Chuck Norris CANNOT Jelly his fist up your ass

If you look in Chuck Norris eyes their is no dought you will explode

George Jung sniffed cocaine, Chuck Norris snorts sheet rock.

Chuck Norris can sharpen James Blunt.

When Chuck Norris farts, it sounds like the theme to NCIS.

Chuck Norris doesn't walk home...Home walks to Chuck Norris!

When bored, Chuck Norris will play Hopscotch on your face.

Chuck Norris doesn't know karate. Karate knows Chuck Norris - as its only master.

Chuck Norris is the reason Usain Bolt can run so fast.

Chuck Norris has submitted internet forms without posting all required information because he is a machine - not a mere man.

South American tribesmen coat their blowdart tips in Chuck Norris' sweat.

If you smoke Chuck Norris' back hair, you get high forever.

It isn't uncommon for grown men to wet themselves in Chuck Norris' terrifying, musk-scented presence.

Chuck Norris won the Texas state lottery by turning in a bingo card.

Chuck Norris' motto: "The difficult I do immediately. The impossible takes 3 seconds longer".

Lance Armstrong didnt beat cancer, Chuck Norris did it for him.

Chuck Norris once ran for president. The president shrieked like a girl, shat himself and fainted.

Chuck Norris is banned from Mortal Kombat yet he comes back to play every year.

Allstate may protect you from mayhem, but it is useless against Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' ranch is home to the world's largest stockpile of ungiven fucks.

Chuck Norris invented Herpes Duplex by roundhouse kicking a man with lip Herpes twice. Once in the mouth followed by one in the nutsack.

If the sun met Chuck Norris, it would burn up and die.

Chuck Norris won a car on The Price is Right by guessing a can of tuna was worth $5,467...

Chuck Norris is the reason why Oscar the Grouch is in a trash can.

In fact there is no Google satellite views, just Chuck Norris eyes that he lets you to use it.

Chuck Norris got mad at a hamer and round house kicked it in to the first sluge hamer

AHEM... Chuck Norris Fact/Joke.

Elon Musk wants to build a city on Mars. Chuck Norris already has a summer home there — he breathed once and the atmosphere became breathable.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris does actually sleep - with his eyes wide open, rarely blinking.

Chuck Norris sits on his tv and watches the couch.

When Chuck Norris was 8, he had to have his dad pick him up from school. Chucks car had broken down and was in the shop for repairs.

Saddam Hussein didn't have weapons of mass destruction. Chuck Norris does. He is one.

Chuck Norris created creation.

Chuck Norris can run the three legged race SOLO

Chuck Norris can gag you with a horrendous stinch simply by typing the word "fart" on his computer keyboard.

Chuck Norris put mark zuckerberg in ICU....he poked him on facebook

The Old Spice Man aspires to smell like Chuck Norris

If Chuck Norris ever created a video game, it would play you.

Chuck Norris likes to eat G-strings.

Superman's weakness wasn't kryptonite. It was Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris possesses a commanding, cool-eyed stare that can make panties spontaneously combust.

When Chuck Norris pours milk on his rice cripsies they shut the fuck up!!!

E=MC2 actually means EVERYTHING = Mr. CHUCK NORRIS CHUCK NORRIS!

Chuck Norris quit his NRA membership because he thought they were too Liberal.

Time heals all wounds. Except, of course, if you've just been wounded by Chuck Norris. Then you're fucked.

Pick any hot woman -- Chuck Norris has slept with her. Or will.

God rested on the seventh day because Chuck Norris isn't that much of a slave driver.

Chuck Norris can play funk bass with old cables from the golden gate bridge.

Chuck Norris can bungee jump without a rope

Chuck Norris has a Lucario named Telepatly. He doesn't use it in battle often, as said Lucario always wins on turn -247 to turn 3, and that would be even more unfair. However, said Lucario lives up to its nickname like heck.

Chuck Norris made the dinasaurs extinct

Did you know that Chuck Norris is not held on Earth by Gravity? He simply clings on the surface using his toes.

Chuck Norris can get revenge for something you may or may not do.

Once, Chuck Norris took the "Old Dirt Road". Unfortunately he turned it into a 6 lane super highway.

Chuck Norris washes his hands in the Pacific ocean, and air dries them in tornadoes.

It was actually Chuck Norris who gave Halle Berry the vanilla fever.

Wimpy made sure he reimbursed Chuck Norris the following Tuesday for the hamburger he ate that day.