All Chuck Norris Facts

Schrodinger's Cat is simultaneously dead and alive only when Chuck Norris is not around. Otherwise is only dead.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade, killed 50 pople, then the grenade exploded.

The surest cure for constipation is to hang a picture of Chuck Norris in the lavatory, for Chuck Norris scares the crap out of all living things.

Chuck Norris once took a test called the S.T.A.N.D. he got pissed before he got to the tenth question and roundhoused it.... it is now known as the S.A.T.

Chuck Norris is the reason why waldo is hiding. He also once threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people... then it exploded. Q: What is the last thing that goes through Chuck Norris' Victim's minds? A: His foot!

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live

If you see Chuck Norris and your heart stops, you're one of the lucky ones.

On rare occasion, Chuck Norris will allow a woman to give him a hickey. But then, only on his hemorrhoids.

Chuck Norris was featured on wheel of fortune all people did for the past 30 minutes was stare at a wheel not stopping

Area 51 is owned by Chuck Norris. So are Areas 1-50.

Chuck Norris teaches new tricks to old dogs and has made a leopard change it's spots.

Chuck Norris' fairy godparents do not use "Da Rules book". He can wish for anything he wants no matter if its bad or not.

Little known fact: Chuck Norris shot J.R. after he killed him with a spectacular roundhouse kick to the forehead.

Paul McCartney eats a vegan diet all the time -- except when he eats in the presence of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can quick scope with akimbo interventions on MW2

Chuck Norris always flips the script. That's the only reason why he doesn't get more movie roles.

There is no such thing as gravity, Chuck Norris once said "you must stay on the ground" and everyone has been to scared to find out what would happen if they didnt't.

Chuck Norris once composed an unfunny Chuck Norris fact. No one laughed. He killed everyone. You are reading that fact now.

Chuck Norris won on the 'America's Got Talent' show when he roasted a whole moose on a Hibachi grill.

For every foot that comes packed with force, fear, pain and suffering, that foot is connected to a leg, and that leg, with muscles like steel, is bound forever strong to a creature known as Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris wants to get naked in a hurry (ie: often), he simply flexes and his clothes explode off.

Chuck Norris killed Bin Laden before the SEALs got there

Chuck Norris can skeletonize a cow in under two minutes.

When Chuck Norris gets the munchies, God help any 7-11

Just one Spinning Backfist Punch by Chuck Norris will make your liver quiver and your spleen scream.

In carpentry there's a saying: "Measure twice, cut once." Chuck Norris has a similar saying: "Fuck measurements, let's rock."

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can kneecap you just by simply poking you in the eyes.

Chuck Norris does not need hair dye, he scares it back to it's original color

The Chuck Norris family once had a weiner roast in what was formally called the Mojave Forrest.

Chuck Norris once threw a 98 yard touchdown pass to defeat the Chicago Cubs, 6 to 0.

Chuck Norris does not have a shadow... nobody follows Chuck Norris around

When Chuck Norris was born his Dr did the customary slap on the ass. Chuck didnt appreciate this so he punched the Dr in the balls.

Chuck Norris can play rock-paper-scissors in a mirror - and win.

Chuck Norris once microwaved a bowl of instant oatmeal for Chef Gordon Ramsay who understandably loved it so much that he asked Chuck for the recipe.

Chuck Norris eats coal and shits out diamonds.

The reason why TV shows get interrupted with emergency broadcasts is because Chuck Norris is interrupting the show.

When Chuck Norris dances, he ends droughts.

Slenderman runs from Chuck Norris. Its also the reason why Slenderman has no eyes.....Chuck Norris roundhoused kicked his face.

Chuck Norris has an Erdos number of O.

Chuck Norris' turban can hold a Glock and twelve grenades.

Chuck Norris can bench press an Army tank. While sitting inside of it.

Just saying Chuck Norris' name will put hair on your chest.

When Steve Jobs booted up his first computer, his background was a picture of Chuck Norris taking a bite out of an apple.

Chuck Norris's skateboard has 22" spinning rims.

Chuck Norris once found a nine-leaf clover. He ate it.

Superman has posters of Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was asked his opinion on Miley Cyrus. Chuck said he wouldn't give 25 cents for her if her twat was gold plated.

Nun chucks is nun without chucks ... Chuck norris, that is

Just looking at a picture of Chuck Norris makes you more of a man.

Rome wasn't built in a day. But, Chuck Norris did level the city within seconds.

Most folks play badminton with a racquet and a birdy. Chuck Norris plays badminton with a boat oar and a dead chicken.

Chuck Norris doesn't just open a can of whoop ass, he opens a six pack.

the temperature of hell is EXACTLY half that of Chuck Norris's sauna

Chuck Norris knocked a whole forest down by looking at it

It's just a matter of time until an asteroid strikes earth. They are just scared to hit earth until Chuck Norris has died

Once while walking a nature trail, Chuck Norris observed a hornets nest hanging from a tree limb. He knocked it down with a roundhouse kick just for the fun of pulling the stingers out of the ass of each one of 500 pissed off hornets.

Chuck Norris is on a first name basis with noone

Chuck Norris is even better than the real thing.

Chuck Norris was once asked in an interview what he thought about all the Chuck Norris jokes going around. He simply said "They aren't jokes" and went back to drinking his mug of nails.

Chuck Norris was Victoria's Secret. She never walked right again.

When someone tells Chuck Norris the world doesn't revolve around him, they start floating away.

Chuck Norris installed Skynet on his iPod.

Osama bin Laden actually shot HIMSELF in the head. The first SEAL in said "hit the floor!". bin Laden thought he said "hi, I'm Chuck Norris!".

Once, Chuck Norris held a judge in contempt, while in court.

Chuck Norris energy drink is liquid nitrogen!

God is Chuck Norris 3rd cousin

Spontaneous combustion is just one of the highly contagious diseases Chuck Norris transmits daily.

Documentaries about Chuck Norris' life can be found in video libraries in the horror section.

you may check your room for monsters but monster check thier room for Chuck Norris

Gollum wanted the One Ring from LOTR so bad because Chuck Norris told Gollum to go get it for him.

Chuck Norris puts the K in knife. This is to confuse his prey.

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone, he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.

The first mutant was Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris strikes, it is literally like lightning. Count in seconds after a flash before you hear the thunder. that's how far away he is.

Chuck Norris can finish a fat Cuban cigar in a single massive drag. He will then crunch up and swallow the roach, and stare at you while slowly exhaling through his nostrils.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can write history of the future.

Some guys think they're a badass because they beat up a guy in a bar fight. Chuck Norris once beat a Jeep to death.

Chuck Norris can make a single female cheat.

When Chuck Norris jumps in front of an oncoming rocket, the rocket will move out of Chuck Norris's way to avoid hitting him.

Chuck Norris doesn't have school because hes too smart. That happened in 2nd grade.

Chuck Norris has a honorary membership at the UNO.

Bill Clinton got Chuck Norris' sloppy seconds

Chuck Norris is in everyone of the devil's nightmares

Chuck Norris can beat up Hugh Wackman.

The first man to be kicked in the groin by Chuck Norris coined the term "pisshell," just before he cried to death.

Elon Musk sleeps four hours a night. Chuck Norris doesn't sleep — the universe just pauses while he rests his eyes.

BB guns are considered nonlethal weapons...except when in the hands of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris COULD bench press Rosie O'Donnell.

Chuck Norris can get an exponential equation from the derivative of a whole number.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris practices his roundhouse kicks: a. Anywhere he wants B. Chuck Norris doesn't need to practice C. On your face D. All of the above Hint: The answer is 'd'

God said "Let there be light!" Chuck Norris said "Say please."

Chuck Norris owns a piggy bank made from a real pig.

Emancipated women bring and cook for Chuck Norris beer while he's watching TV.

Chuck Norris recently did an audio commentary of one of his best-selling novels.

Pound for pound, Chuck Norris will pound the shit out of you.

When Chuck Norris typed "LMAO" on the internet, he actually did it.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself. Oh, and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris could literally mop the floor with your face. He could also vaccum his car out with your digestive tract. And disinfect his toilet with your soul.