All Chuck Norris Facts

If you ever dare speak aloud the blasphemy 'chickidee china, de chinese Chuck Norris', you will burst into flames.

If there was a game about Chuck Norris you'd be scared to play it because every time you'd open it up it would roundhouse kick you in the balls.

Surprising Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, only slaughters.

When Chuck Norris was 8, he and his friend, Freddy both got pets. Freddy got a hamster and Chuck got a Tasmanian Devil.

Chuck Norris killed a fat guy with a poisened candy bar. and yes u r stupid for not thinking of that.

Chuck Norris never has to rake leaves off his lawn. No tree that wants to continue to live dares shed its leaves on the property of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't need contact lenses. He'll just shoot two woks.

In high school, Chuck Norris struck out 27 batters using only 15 pitches.

Chuck Norris can step on a land mine and it won't detonate, out of sheer respect.

Most people call in bomb threats. Chuck Norris calls in himself threats. And gets away with it.

Chuck Norris died Years ago death was to scared to tell him

The only time Chuck Norris ever made a mistake was when he was writing about killing a squadron of ninjas. As he was writing that he 'owned' them, his finger slipped and wrote 'pwned' instead. It immediately became an official, widely-used term.

If you look at your birth certificate it says Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris would have built Rome in less than a day.

Bob the Builder. Can we fix it. Chuck Norris already did. With a roundhouse kick.

Chuck Norris recently composed an orchestral concerto during a drunken rage.

The only reason Chuck Norris hasn't brutally beaten George Lucas to death is because he still wars the beard.

The world used to be round o that when people go to the bottom of the Earth they fall off but then Chuck Norris stepped on a globe and its all flat and so it the world THANK YOU,CHUCK!

Michael Phelps currently holds the record for most Olympic gold medals in a single Games with 8. That record will be broken in 2012, when Chuck Norris wins 22.

When Chuck Norris first went into space in the late 50's, they had to add extra rockets just to account for the combined testicular mass.

One time in school, I forgot to prepare a graded presentation, so I just stood in front of the class and said "Chuck Norris". I got an 'A'.

Of course Chuck Norris is banging Sarah Palin.

When playing Minecraft, make a new world with the name and seed both being "Chuck Norris". Even on peaceful, you will be surrounded by 1,000,000 endermen when at the spawn.

Chuck Norris was asked to be on the show, 'Swamp People' but he was soon fired off the show after thousands of alligators were killed during only 1 episode.

Chuck Norris can speak hundreds of languages, but the four he mainly uses are English, Profanity, Sarcasm and Real Shit.

Chuck Norris doesn't pedal a bike. He roundhouse-kicks one of the pedals to go a mile.

This year, Chuck Norris has given up strangle holds and uppercuts for Lent.

Chuck Norris divided to infinity equals to infinity!

It takes a team of groundskeepers three days to shave the entire surface area of Chuck Norris' balls.

Chuck Norris doesn't take an arrow to the knee, he takes his knee to the arrow

It's not that Chuck Norris is Bullet Proof, it's that Bullets aren't Chuck Norris Proof

if the mouse will play when the cat is away,, the cat will fly when Chuck Norris is in the house

Chuck Norris said "Go fuck yourself" and you did...

If Chuck Norris coughs on you, you owe him 50 bucks.

Of course Chuck Norris screwed Madonna.

When Chuck Norris tells you a joke, your sides will literally split. That's why he stands back a bit when he tells it, so nothing splashes onto his boots.

If Chuck Norris eats anything with the color green, he will shit a billion dollars.

The leading cause of ninja death is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has enough meat in his pants to feed 17 million starving ninjas.

When Chuck Norris found out what the lyrics to his favourite song, 'Take A Walk On The Wild Side', were really about, he hunted down Lou Reed and broke four of his ribs.

Movies that suck never feature Chuck Norris.

If you roundhouse kick Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris will say: "Congratulations. You are my Roundhouse Kick buddy!" If i were a Roundhouse Kick Buddy i would go crazy! XD

Police officers do not wear protective vests because of guns on the streets, but because they erroneously believe that if they pull Chuck Norris over for anything it will stop him from handing them their spleen.

Deccember 23, 2012 is not the end of the world. It is either the day Chuck Norris dies or become president.

Little known fact: Chuck Norris deviginized Mary LONG before Joseph ever met her.

Chuck Norris is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

Chuck Norris' pet hamster just gave birth to twin tarantulas.

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do? All of them.

When bored and just for shits and giggles, Chuck Norris likes to walk around skid row with hundred dollar bills hanging out of his pockets.

The Dos Equis guy was cloned from a piece of Chuck Norris's ass

Chuck Norris was attacked by a vicious pit bull and it ended up with a trip to the hospital. The Vet at the Animall Hospital said there was a 20% chance the pit bull would pull through.

Chuck Norris is the best American Sniper by far. He once made an 1,800 yard kill shot in the mountains of Afghanistan using only his trusty Donald Duck PEZ dispenser.

Fort Knox wanted to store gold in Chuck Norris' beard - but Chuck Norris' beard makes gold rust.

How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a lightball? Nobody has ever asked him that and I suggest you keep quiet as well.

Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

Chuck Norris receives billion-dollar royalty cheques from the World Bank monthly for his cameo role in 'Dodgeball'.

Blackholes are Chuck Norris' way of playing pranks on scientists.

Chuck Norris once carved a big 'CN' on Zorro's forehead.

At the end of a rainbow there is no pot of gold, it's Chuck Norris' cornhole.

Not a huge lover of nature, Chuck Norris once killed a cloud.

Chuch Norris doesn't breathe air- air breathes Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the unjust subject of a memetic internet sensation.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can lock a drawer with the key still inside it.

Chuck Norris can win the Olympics by just watching it.

When Chuck Norris holds a staff meeting, he is the only one there

Chuck Norris sleeps with anite lite, he is not afraid of the dark, it's afraid of him.

It has been rumored that the previous North Korean Premier, Kim Jong-il actually died shortly after calling Chuck Norris an "Amelican Plick"

Robocops' four prime directives: 1-Serve the public trust. 2-Protect the innocent. 3-Uphold the law. 4-Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' grandfather presented him with an alarm clock on his 7th birthday. Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked and broke the clock into a million pieces. Nothing alarms Chuck Norris. Btw Chuck Norris' grandfather is also Chuck Norris.

If you hate software in school, you should try Chuck Norris' software.

Chuck Norris loves making cocaine snow angels on the floors of his castles.

Chuck Norris plugged the oil spill in the gulf of Mexico with the CEO of BP.

There was once a contest for the most epic person in the world. Chuck Norris signed up. He got -678324567th place. He won, by the way.

As a child, Chuck Norris once killed a pediatrician with a tongue depressor.

Once upon a time Chuck Norris took a swim in the oceans, ever since it has remained salty from Chuck Norris' sweat.

Chuck Norris smacked the bejesus out of Bejesus. That's why he is currently known as simply Jesus.

Chuck Norris cuts a knife in two pieces, with a chunk of bread

After his wedding, Chuck Norris sent "You're Welcome" cards to all of his guests.

Chuck Norris can make a cat land on its back.

I, Fabio Lanzoni, am Chuck Norris' youngest son.

To Chuck Norris, rules and necks exist for the same reason; to be broken.

Can God create a rock so heavy he himself cannot lift? Yes, he created Chuck Norris.

the answer to the question whick goes first chicken or egg, the answer is CHUCK NORRIS

Chuck Norris once had he's own teit paper only problem it didn't take any shit

Chuck Norris can rip your skull out and then kill you. Impossible? Heh, you'll be screaming that when it happens to you.

Villagers used to tremble with fear when they heard Atilla the Hun was coming. Atilla the Hun shit his pants when he heard Chuck Norris was coming!

Chuck Norris won the New York Marathon while steaming some crab legs in Austin, TX

Chuck Norris made a new religion painism where you go to church and he round house kicks for an hour

Earth doesn't tell to Chuck Norris when the Earth dies, Chuck Norris tells the Earth.

Chuck Norris doesnt have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris can get road rage in a fighter jet.

Chuck Norris is friends with Sonic The Hedgehog. They race often, too. Unsurprisingly, Sonic loses every time he doesn't cheat.

Chuck Norris could bend Uri Geller with his mind. But he would prefer to brutally roundhouse kick him in the face if he ever comes back to America.

If you spell "Chuck Norris" while playing Scrabble - you win. Forever.

Someone ask Chuck Norris waht kind of music he listened to. You fool he answered I don't listen to music music listens to me. He then proceeded with a roundhouse kick to the face while the National Anthem listned in the background.

Chuck Norris' birth certificate is a piece of lambskin with the words 'IT HAS BEGUN' written in blood.

Chuck Norris doesn't go places, places go to Chuck Norris

If Michael Jackson can moonwalk, Chuck Norris can run on the sun.

Chuck Norris washes his dishes with an angle-grinder.

CHuck Norris doesn't smoke crack. He cracks smoke.