All Chuck Norris Facts

The Most Interesting Man in the world is Bizarro Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' nut sack is so flexible that he can literally put one nut on a golf tee and practice his drives.

When Chuck Norris was first born he heard his dad tell his mom "it's a boy, let's name him Gaylord". Chuck instantly slapped his dad in the back of the head. Chucks dad then said "on second thought, let's name him Chuck".

Chuck Norris can light farts bare assed.

Chuck Norris can create fire by rubbing two ice cubes

Chuck Norris doesn't wilderness survival skills. The wilderness needs Chuck Norris survival skills.

Chuck Norris has never had a heart attack, manly do to the fact that Chuck Norris's heart is not foolish enough to attack, Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris pissed out the Golden Gate Bridge at age 7

The bars never go down on Chuck Norris's at&t phone unless those bars want to live.

Chuck Norris can choke you with a cordless phone.

God help the man who disagrees with Chuck Norris. Or not, because God's afraid of him, too.

SpaceX is building the internet in space. Chuck Norris has had Wi-Fi in space since 1985 — it runs on pure intimidation.

Chuck Norris won on last weeks Iron Chef America T.V. show by microwaving two ham & cheese Hotpockets.

What's the definition of beautiful? Whatever Chuck Norris says it is.

Chuck Norris. Thats all im gonna say.

The japanese exclamation "HADOUKEN!!!" means "I CHANNEL SOME OF CHUCK NORRIS' ENERGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!" If you say it correctly whilst holding your hands in front of you, you might emit a huge blast of pyrokinetic energy. Or you may just piss Chuck off.

It took Harry Potter 7 books to defeat Voldemort. It only took Chuck Norris 7 words.

There is only one thing that could possibly stop Messi's unstoppable form Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick

Einstein's Theory of Relativity states that nothing can travel faster than light... except Chuck Norris's roundhouse kick.

Super Villans would terrorize the world but Chuck Norris kills them all. Consequentially Super Heroes are unemployed.

Chuck Norris can have his cake and eat it too.

Chuck Norris is the greater of two evils.

Ok im back. Chuck Norris was secretly included for Mortal Kombat X. The developers then changed their minds and removed him because 1 hit from Chuck Norris= a fatality.

Superman can stop a bullet with his teeth. Chuck Norris can cause a bullet to implode, before exiting the chamber.

Chuck Norris is the reason ninjas like to be unseen.

Honey badger cares about Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris once lapped his opponent, in a drag race.

Chuck Norris will spin you right round, baby, right round. Like a record, baby, right round round roundhouse.

Before the Wright brothers made the first airplane, Chuck Norris had already invented the rocket and flown to Pluto, where he lived for 20 years.........naked

When Chuck Norris moves in next door to you your lawn will die.

Chuck Norris can quitely sneak up on himself

Palaeontologists think the velociraptor had feathers because Chuck Norris said so.

A single death is a tragedy; Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face is a statistic.

Chuck Norris doesnt play by the rules. the rules play by Chuck Norris

a long time ago Chuck Norris kicked the world so hard that its still spinning today.

Chuck Norris does not do drugs. In order to get a buzz he climbs radio station transmition towers during thunderstorms and drinks Redbull & Captain Morgan Rum from a pair of 55 gallon steel drums.

Chuck Norris eats 10 eggs daily.

Chuck Norris offered to be a spokesman for GM. GM turned him down. GM is now bankrupt. That is no coincidence.

Unlike Santa Claus, Chuck Norris doesn't need to check his list twice.

The mystery in the Universe was unlock, but the Universe cannot unlock the mystery of CHUCK NORRIS!

Chuck Norris can squeeze stones out of blood.

Chuck Norris is one badass motherchucker.

A man sitting next to Chuck Norris on a plane started to complain about the lack of room and got on Chuck's nerves. So he stuffed the motherfucker into the overhead storage compartment.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, it comes back with a beer.

Chuck Norris's car is fitted with go faster brakes.

Chuck Norris won the $142,000,000 Texas state PowerBall Lottery with a ticket stub from a Texas Rangers baseball game.

Chuck Norris isn't in the army the army's in Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris dies, the rest of the world will die with him.

The original title for Big Hero 6 was Big Chuck Norris 6. The movie was cancelled after going into production becuase nobody would pay 13 dollars to see a 28 second-long movie.

Chuck Norris is the only person who can divide by 0.

If you want to keep people out of your property, the most effective sign you can use is a picture of an angry Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe air, air breathes Chuck Norris's foot.

People ask for the time.. Time asks Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a mattress for refusing to share with him.

Movies and TV shows fail when they do not impress Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not affected by the human condition.

Chuck Norris has to visit the dentist twice a month in order to remove the jawbreakers stuck between his teeth.

No matter how religious you are, you won't be allowed into heaven if the last thing you said before your brutal death was 'I'm not afraid of Chuck Norris'.

Chuck Norris put the laughter in man slaughter.

Chuck Norris favorite cologne is tear-gas.

If you stare at the American flag for long enough, you will se a 3-D image of Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris shaves the razor blades get cut.

The spurs on Chuck Norris's boots have a three-ton towing capacity

Silence and peach terrifies Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris could get to the 4th level of the Scary Maze Game, because he's not afraid of the Exorcist Girl, The Exorcist Girl is afraid of him.

Not only does Chuck Norris beat you to the punch, he will punch you to the beat.

Chuck Norris wishes you a knuckle sandwich, and a happy throat-punch.

For the first time in 10 years, Chuck Norris is taking a day off. There will be no amazing feats today that can out-do American resolve. (5-2-11)

Chuck Norris has gone green! He just ate the Incredible Hulk.

Once, while staying over at his buddies' house, little Chuck Norris had a pillow fight. There were no survivors, and the house had to be demolished.

Chuck Norris once pissed on an electric fence. This took down the power grid in Texas, Oklahoma, Arizona and parts of southern Utah.

You know why they made super Mario, because Chuck Norris was chasing Mario.

Chuck Norris fired Donald Trump...with a flamethrower.

In Rush Hour, Jackie Chan said that his father caught a bullet with his bare hands. Chuck Norris can catch lasers with his bare hands

Chuck Norris dosent think hes a badass he knows it

Chuck Norris can go to closed stores

Swizerland chose to become neutral in an attempt to always avoid pissing off Chuck Norris.

When the mother of Chuck Norris was pregnant she could feel him moving in her stomache. Little did she know, he was perfecting his Round House Kick.

Chuck Norris can consume an entire 25-piece bucket of KFC in under a minute.

Chuck Norris is so hard that he mows the lawn with his teeth.

Chuck Norris REALLY went back to the future.

Chuck Norris' favorite Texas Chinese restaurant always serves him Snake Egg Drop Soup, Armadillo Fried Rice, Scorpion Rangoon, Moo Goo Gai Moose & Hunan Jack Rabbit.

Chuck Norris can bake cookies...in the freezer.

Chuck Norris' shadow follows him from a safe distance.

Celebrities die in threes because for Chuck Norris, killing one celebrity is never enough.

Chuck Norris can crush a beer can with his calf muscles.

Originally, the movie Alien vs Predator was called Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. It was canceled because no one wanted to see a movie that is 30 seconds long.

When Chuck Norris goes for a physical, the doctor is too afraid to get close enough for an examination, so he only examines him from afar, grading him on his overall physical appearance, which of course, is always perfect.

Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked Mike Tyson, permanently damaging the "social" and "speech" parts of the brain. This is why Mike Tython talkth like thith and has an Antithocial Perthonality Dithorder.

Check yourself before you wreck yourself....... Cos roundhouse kicks from Chuck Norris is bad for your health.

Chuck Norris' family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Queen Elizabeth.

Chuck Norris turned my pepsi into coke....I drank it for my own safety

God is just a fake name Chuck Norris uses.

Chuck Norris was recently given 5 gallons of Propofol. He blinked twice.

All science students maybe aware about the fact that picochuck is the unit of manliness in the International System of Units (SI). An average man measures about 0.00073 pc. Chuck Norris measures 39,372 petachucks.

A reporter once referred to Chuck Norris as a 'God-fearing patriot'. Upon reading the article, Chuck Norris immediately sprinted to the fucker's bomb shelter and turned him into hummous. Chuck Norris fears nothing.

Chuck Norris' beard is actually made out of liquid metal. He can instantly stab you with it.

Chuck Norris know's Victoria's Secret.

Jesus can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim on land.

Chuck Norris will kill you if you don't bow down and weep for him every time his name is mentioned.